Thursday, July 30, 2009

Obama Invites Voters to White House for Kool-Aid Shots After Saying Electorate Acted "Socialistically" Last November

Washington, D.C.--Saying he "calibrated his words poorly" in saying the electorate acted "socialistically" last November, President Obama invited registered voters to the White House for a dialogue over "multiple Kool-Aid shots" to help “smooth things over.”

The event followed President Obama's invitation of a Cambridge, Massachusetts, policeman to the White House for a beer after he said the officer acted "stupidly" even though Obama admitted he hadn't known all the facts when he made the comment.

Crowds gathered on the South Lawn throughout the day as people enjoyed a mind-altering combination of vodka, Jagermeister, and grape flavored Kool-Aid.

"We were all just waiting around for a while," said one voter. "Then someone asked when the dialogue was going to begin. They told us shots first, dialogue later."

President Obama eventually appeared by smashing through a fake brick wall and bellowing "Oh, yeah!"

By early evening, the lawn was scattered with staggering voters yelling "Yeth we c-c-can! Yeth we c-c-can!" and demanding government-run health care.

Associated article: http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601070&sid=aH3me8AdYAJc

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Lawyers Hail Obama's Disparagement of Most Other Professions

The Trial Lawyers Association hailed President Obama's disparagement of most other professions today, saying "We applaud the President's casting suspicions on the motives of doctors, police, and firefighters, as we do every day in court."

At a July news conference, Obama said police acted "stupidly" regarding a recent incident just moments after he admitted "I don't know all the facts." He also claimed doctors make medical decisions based not on their best medical judgment, but on how much they'll be reimbursed for a given procedure. These remarks followed Obama's nomination of a Justice to the Supreme Court who denied promotions to firefighters who scored highest on an advancement test on the grounds no black firefighters scored high enough for promotion.

A trial lawyer spokesperson added, "We're looking forward to working with the administration on crafting its next harangue against nurses."

Associated articles: http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5j4S-r9G0m8HEq4JAFUw7_epFRb9QD99KUAO00; http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2009/07/obama_critiiciz.html; http://www.businesswire.com/portal/site/google/?ndmViewId=news_view&newsId=20090723006009&newsLang=en; http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/07/16/sotomayor-faces-final-day-questioning/; http://www.facs.org/news/obama081209.html; associated video: http://hotair.com/archives/2009/07/27/must-see-cambridge-cop-says-she-wont-vote-for-obama-again-after-gatesgate/

Sunday, July 26, 2009

White House Points to Lower National Voter Intelligence Estimates

Washington, D.C.--In a widely touted press conference on health care legislation, President Obama stated his proposals “will keep government out of health care decisions.”

But according to the Associated Press, Obama’s “principles of reform … plainly show the government making key decisions in health care.”

When asked how he could defend the counter-factual statement he made at the press conference, President Obama pointed to his Administration’s most recent "voter intelligence estimates," which have been dramatically lowered in recent months.

Associated articles: http://finance.yahoo.com/news/FACT-CHECK-Obamas-health-care-apf-2748340478.html?x=0&sec=topStories&pos=main&asset=&ccode=; http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0709/25415.html

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Democrats Cite Health Care Cost Savings of Fewer Seniors, More Abortions

Washington, D.C.--Criticized for pushing a health care reform program costing over $1 trillion, Democrats argued their plan includes cost savings by providing for fewer seniors and more abortions.

These cost savings are acheived by cutting $500 billion from Medicare -- just as baby boomers turn 65 and increase Medicare enrollment by 30% -- and by allowing federally funded abortions.

"I'm not saying we should be dancing on their graves," said one Administration official. "But I have to say those cost-savings at the front and back end do nicely frame our health care plan."

President Obama's "science czar," John Holdren, hailed the cost-control measures. Holdren is the co-author of a 1977 book entitled "Ecoscience: Population, Resources, Environment" that proposed "compulsory sterilization," possibly by spiking water reserves and staple foods with a sterilizing chemical, on the grounds that "To provide a high quality of life for all, there must be fewer people."

Holdren told Letterman, “Nothing irritates me more than the pitter-patter of little carbon footprints.”

Associated articles: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203517304574303903498159292.html; http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090722/ap_on_go_co/us_health_care_overhaul_abortion; http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/07/21/obamas-science-czar-considered-forced-abortions-sterilization-population-growth/; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/08/07/AR2009080703043.html; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203863204574344900152168372.html; http://www.factcheck.org/2009/08/abortion-which-side-is-fabricating/; associated audio (Robert Reich): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IT7Y0TOBuG4&feature=player_embedded

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Obama Delivers First-Ever "State of Obama" Address to the Nation Through Specially Designed One-Way Mirror

What follows are excerpts from President Obama’s first “State of Obama” address to the nation.

Good evening. With unemployment increasing even more than my economic team told you it would if Congress had not passed my massive spending program, and with claims regarding my health care reform proposal becoming more implausible by the day, I thought it best to focus not on the state of the Union, but rather, on the state of Obama.

Now, I have made history in many ways, and I continue to do so today. For the first time, I am addressing the Nation through a specially designed one-way mirror that will allow me to remain focused on my path ahead.

I have come a long way already. As the elected president of the Harvard Law Review and as a law professor, some criticized me for failing to publish a single piece of scholarship, or even release my grades. But as I wrote in two autobiographies exploring the rich history and profound significance of me, “I am Barack Obama.”

Later, as a state Senator, I voted “present” on legislation nearly 130 times. Some criticized me for that. But as all Americans have now come to know, I am a “present” to the American people.

As a U.S. Senator, some say I wasn’t associated with any important legislative initiatives. But I did introduce a bill to recognize August 4, 2061, as the 100th anniversary of my birth. Unfortunately, the bill failed to pass in a prior era of despair.

My energy plan will encourage the development of new technologies that convert my boldness into reusable energy. And my health care plan will produce a universal system for allocating that warm, comforting feeling you get when you hear my confident voice, or see me without a shirt.

The state of Obama is good.

Associated articles: http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/016/532tzlcn.asp; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/07/17/AR2008071701839.html; http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/2009/08/revealed_behind_the_scenes_oba.asp; associated video: Washington Examiner; http://www.thefoxnation.com/president-obama/2009/04/21/krauthammer-presidents-narcissism-knows-no-bounds

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

President Obama Says “Hold the Mayo”

Washington, D.C.--President Obama has repeatedly held up the famous Mayo Clinic in Minnesota as a model for providing “some of the best quality and some of the lowest cost” health care.

But recently the Mayo Clinic said the health care reform legislation Obama supports “misses the opportunity to create higher-quality, more affordable health care for patients,” that “In fact, it will do the opposite,” and “The real losers will be the citizens of the United States.”

While speaking at the Children's National Medical Center, Obama was asked about the Mayo Clinic’s dire assessment of his health care reforms.

“Hold the mayo,” he said, apparently reiterating his advice that Americans should eat healthier.

Associated articles: http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/2009/07/obama_loves_mayo_but_mayo_does.asp; http://finance.yahoo.com/news/FACT-CHECK-Obamas-health-care-apf-2748340478.html?x=0&sec=topStories&pos=main&asset=&ccode=

Monday, July 20, 2009

Giant U.S. Money Leak Ruins Floors Throughout China

Peking, China.--Chinese diplomats lodged an official complaint with the United Nations today as a giant U.S. money leak continued to ruin floors throughout China, on the other side of the globe.

“Congress’ record $4 trillion in annual spending has been seeping into our country for weeks now,” said China’s foreign minister, “but the U.S. has done nothing about it.”

China estimates the leak pours $11 billion per day under China’s upper crust, loosening floor boards, weakening foundations, and clogging toilets.

“Every day I read in paper about more U.S. spending,” said one frustrated Chinese citizen. “And every day I tell my wife we need a bigger mop.”

Associated articles: http://www.nypost.com/seven/07192009/news/nationalnews/govt_spending_shatters_postwar_records_180113.htm; http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/economics/6146957/China-alarmed-by-US-money-printing.html

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Obama Appoints Bizarro Economic Policy Communications Czar

Washington, D.C.--President Obama announced his appointment of Bizarro, an imperfect duplicate of Superman known for his twisted logic, as his “economic policy communications czar.”

Before making the announcement, Obama praised Bizarro’s “compelling life story” in which he overcame his creation by Lex Luthor in a flawed duplication ray to become one of Superman’s most famous enemies.

While noting he was “hampered by an inherent illogic,” Obama said “There’s no one better than Bizarro to describe my economic policies to the American people.”

After taking the podium, Bizarro described how the Administration is reducing the federal budget deficit by using the same logic it’s used to argue the massive spending bill passed by Congress “saved” millions of jobs even as the unemployment rate reaches historic highs.

“We reduce budget deficit by making OK you keep some money,” said Bizarro. “Money you keep not used by government, so government deficit go down.”

When asked whether the Administration had any new proposals to lower the deficit, Bizarro said “Biden have plan that we spend money so no go bankrupt. Print more hot soft cash!”

Associated articles: http://www.cnsnews.com/public/content/article.aspx?RsrcID=51162; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204488304574425294029138738.html; http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090921/ap_on_go_pr_wh/us_health_insurance_tax_fact_check

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Movie Review -- “Return of the Living Constitution” (Spoiler alert!)

The next zombie-themed blockbuster horror flick is set for release the first Monday in October, but this reviewer received an advance screening of what’s shaping up to be one apocalyptic zombie tale set in the not-too-distant future.

“Return of the Living Constitution” begins at a prestigious law school, where Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia delivers a lecture on the role of a judge, properly understood, which he says is to apply technical interpretive tools to discern what voters or their elected representatives intended by their use of terms ratified as part of the Constitution or enacted into law.

“If the terms of the law are not largely fixed by their meaning as understood when the law was enacted,” says Scalia, “there can be no rule of law, because people will not be subject to rules commonly understood in advance, but rather to the whims of life-tenured judges that are impossible to predict in advance.”

As Scalia speaks, his academic audience, increasingly uneasy with his dry judicial vision, finds itself animated by a raw desire to go beyond the mere application of the law and impose their will on democratic majorities. This hunger quickly mutates into an insatiable lust to impose their political views through constitutional interpretation.

As the questions directed at Scalia grow increasingly unintelligible, and the audience begins to jerkily amble toward him, arms outstretched, Scalia escapes through a window. He gathers his originalist colleagues on the Supreme Court before vast hordes of law students, professors, and advocacy attorneys fill the streets, overturning mail boxes, lamp posts, and popularly enacted statutes that do not clearly violate the Constitution.

The zombies find leaders in the more activist Supreme Court Justices, who command them to overrun Congress and then head for the National Archives, where they intend to devour the U.S. Constitution, which they consider a “living, breathing” document.

Scalia and his originalist colleagues barricade the Archives doors with stacks of Founding-era documents, but the zombies tear through them. It soon becomes apparent that, unlike traditional zombies, these undead can only be killed by a blow to their “gut,” and not their head, as they’re motivated by empathy and “gut feeling” rather than thought.

Just as the swelling zombie hordes are about to reach our nation's founding document, Scalia distracts them with books compiling foreign legal precedents. Waving such volumes as “The Collected Decisions of Zimbabwe,” he temporarily diverts the advancing throngs with a tantalizing new source of interpretive power.

With the zombies otherwise occupied, Scalia grabs the sword from the hands of a nearby statute of “Lady Justice” and begins hacking undead guts in the same biting manner he pens his dissents.

The movie is campy fun for the most part. But by the end I couldn’t help feeling a real sense of dread.

Association article: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124753085258335815.html; associated video: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6601447644448962468&ei=-WihSZXDGpHEqQL1xI3YDw&q=scalia&hl=en; see also http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3117897142973835232&ei=iGmhSdOOOILorgLrjY3YDw&q=scalia&hl=en&emb=1

Thursday, July 9, 2009

White House Furthers Its “Commitment to Transparency” By Requiring That Official Meeting Records Be Written on Plastic Wrap, with Invisible Ink

Washington, D.C.--Following a report in the New York Times that Obama White House “climate czar” Carol Browner instructed auto industry executives “to put nothing in writing, ever” regarding the deliberations that occurred at official energy policy meetings, concerns were raised that such instructions might violate a federal law that requires the preservation of documents concerning significant policy decisions.

As a result, Browner issued new orders that any records of what occurs at policy meetings “be written on plastic wrap, with invisible ink.”

At a press conference, Browner defended her new instructions, saying she was merely “following this Administration’s strong commitment to transparency.” To demonstrate, she held up what she claimed to be a large stack of official meeting minutes, saying “Look, you can see right through them. It's like they're invisible. It doesn’t get more transparent than that.”

The policy change followed other news that Administration officials suppressed a study by an EPA economist that warned of the damaging economic consequences that would befall small businesses if carbon dioxide gases were regulated as illegal emissions under the Clean Air Act.

Browner added that, in the future, all studies casting doubt on Administration proposals “will also be subject to the new translucent records policy.”

Associated articles: http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/blogs/beltway-confidential/Put-nothing-in-writing-Browner-told-auto-execs-on-secret-White-House-CAFE-talks-50260677.html; Politico

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Floor of U.S. House of Representatives Redesigned for Wagers on Legislation Not in Final Form

Washington, D.C.--Following a vote on a global warming bill that included a 300-page amendment the leadership of the U.S. House of Representatives could not produce in final form before votes were cast, the floor of the House has been redesigned to accommodate wagers on legislation not available in final form.

The screen that formerly showed the legislation under consideration has been replaced with a board displaying Las Vegas odds reflecting the chance various provisions are in the bill Members are voting on.

“It’s a crap shoot,” said one Member. “And I mean crap.”

Under the new rules, amendments are “flopped” face down and only revealed after final votes are cast.

“It’s tough,” said one member of the minority party. “Speaker Pelosi has a plastic surgeon give her a different poker face before each hand’s dealt.”

Members have already begun giving names to sections of bills they’re backing. “I’m rooting for Exemption Express," said one Congressman clutching his voting card as the final minutes of the vote counted down. “The odds are 2-1 he’s in the final product.”

The new system has led to some confusion, as when one Member yelled “Bingo!” during floor debate.

But rules of thumb are gradually taking hold. “Since we can’t vote on the text of the legislation,” said one Representative, “some of us are only voting for bills that have lucky House Resolution numbers.”

Associated articles: http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/jul/06/passing-unread-laws/; http://www.cnsnews.com/public/content/article.aspx?RsrcID=50677; associated video: http://hotair.com/archives/2009/07/27/video-conyers-scoffs-at-doing-his-job/

Obama Signs Executive Order Issuing Blanket Denial of Vice President’s Future Remarks

Washington, D.C.--In what was described as a move to “streamline the process of clarifying” Vice President Biden’s repeatedly ill-informed remarks, President Obama signed an executive order that contains a blanket denial of comments Vice President Biden is expected to make in the future.

Obama addressed reporters at the start of the signing ceremony, stating “When I put my Vice President in charge of overseeing the trillion-dollar spending Congress authorized this year, I said nobody messes with Joe. And as we’ve seen, nobody messes with Joe because he is entirely capable of making a mess of himself.”

Following the ceremony, the Vice President apparently made some remarks of his own from behind an opaque screen, using a electronic device to disguise his voice. “Thanks to this blanket denial,” he warbled, “the American people will no longer have to worry about my public statements giving the green light to an Israeli attack on Iran, stating this Administration misread how bad the economy is, warning that people should have avoided confined places and public transportation after initial swine flu reports, and confessing that determining how many jobs were created by the spending bill I was in charge of was above my pay grade.”

According to Administration officials, the White House considered alternatives to the executive order -- such as extending to the Vice President the Administration policy of reading Miranda warnings to terrorists and advising them of their right to remain silent – but ultimately decided to take steps short of those required before criminal prosecution.

Sources said the executive order would also bring an end to a controversial CIA program in which all of Biden’s communications were secretly monitored to help preempt further public embarrassment.

Associated articles: Mediaite; http://hotair.com/archives/2009/07/07/who-put-joe-in-charge-of-the-lights/; http://www.nypost.com/seven/07182009/postopinion/opedcolumnists/joe_bidens_terrible_truths_179997.htm#commentsiframe

Sunday, July 5, 2009

School Voucher Opponents Protest Food Stamps Program

The federal food stamps program allows people of low-income to purchase the foods of their choice at grocery stores. But lately that program has come under fire by President Obama and Congressional Democrats for the same reasons they oppose school voucher programs that would allow low-income parents to choose where their children go to school.

“Education is essential to development, but so is food,” said Obama at a rally organized by food-choice opponents. “If we can’t trust low-income parents and profit-making companies to educate our children with taxpayer-funded vouchers, how can we trust those same people with vouchers used for food? The government, not individual citizens, should be doing the choosing.”

Teachers and prisoner food service unions joined forces to attack the food stamps program, which has helped those of limited incomes to choose meals for their own families since the 1960’s.

“Food vouchers create a two-tier system in which people who are incarcerated have to rely on government-provided food services, while those living freely on limited incomes are able to choose the food vendors of their choice,” argued one protester holding a “Support Public Foods” sign. “That unfairly drains money from prison and other government-run institutional food providers.”

Another protester said “How can we go forward with a food voucher program when there’s an ongoing debate regarding whether or not food choice leads to better outcomes in nourishment?”

Other protesters pointed to the separation of church and state, saying “Under the food stamp program, low-income beneficiaries who follow religious dietary laws can use taxpayer funds to pay for foods based on religious teachings. How is that constitutional?”

And yet another protester added, “Come to think of it, why can someone buy a religious text with a welfare check? Down with welfare programs!”

Associated articles: Daily Caller; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124147923132785121.html; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124148314511885437.html; http://www.ij.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1537&Itemid=282; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/19/AR2009041901882.html; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123604286020215187.html; http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/oct/29/dc-voucher-program-fights-to-survive/; Wall Street Journal

Associated videos: Reason TV; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gGMfGnvrD4; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EX7nHeevRlQ&feature=channel_page; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V34kYMm82oo&feature=ch; Institute for Justice

Thursday, July 2, 2009

White House Defends Use of Electric Cattle Prods at “Cattle Call” Meetings

Washington, D.C.--The White House has come under criticism for planting questioners and screening questions at what were promoted as spontaneous “town hall meetings,” prompting veteran White House correspondent Helen Thomas to say not even Richard Nixon tried to control the press the way President Obama has.

In response, the White House announced it would stop exercising such control over the events. Now referred to as “cattle call meetings,” they will feature questioners “chosen at random” with an electric cattle prod.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibb acknowledged the new format was a work in progress. “I understand it’s sometimes difficult to hear the questions over the yelps,” he said. “We’re working on that."

When asked whether the use of a high-voltage behavioral modification device might unduly influence the tenor of the questions asked at the meetings, Gibbs replied in the sarcastically patronizing manner reporters have come to know and love. “I’m shocked, shocked you would suggest such a thing,” he said. “Kiss off!”

Associated article: http://www.cnsnews.com/public/content/article.aspx?RsrcID=50445; associated video: http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2009/07/01/cbs_helen_thomas_challenge_gibbs_on_controlled_town_hall_meeting.html

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Obama Supporters Use Latest Debt Projections to Press for Constitutional Amendment Allowing Involuntary Servitude

Days after the independent Congressional Budget Office released its latest public debt projections, supporters of President Obama and his massive spending policies launched a campaign to repeal the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which prohibits involuntary servitude, so Americans can shoulder an even larger tax burden.

“The CBO report shows debt is now growing faster than gross domestic product,” said one campaign organizer. “That’s going to require dramatically higher taxes that will essentially make taxpayers indentured servants to the government, which is something the Thirteenth Amendment doesn’t allow.”

Each year, Americans have to devote about three-and-a-half months’ worth of earned income to pay mandatory government taxes, and they’re expected to have to pay much more than that in the future under current debt projections.

Rally participants waved signs saying “Support the Income Tax!” “Embrace the Debt!” and “It’s Not Involuntary Servitude If We Choose It!”

Supporters of the repeal said that since it usually takes about seven years to ratify a constitutional amendment, “we need to start the process right away, before the public debt taxpayers owe doubles by 2019.”

Associated articles: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/27/AR2009062701979.html; http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0709/24660.html; http://www.american.com/archive/2009/september/making-bush-look-like-a-piker

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Democrats Force Quick Vote on "Cap and Tax" Legislation, Citing an "Escalating Skepticism Crisis” Regarding Climate Warming Theories

Washington, D.C.--Democrats in Congress and President Obama forced swift action on a massive bill to dramatically increase energy costs in the face of what they called an “escalating skepticism crisis” regarding theories that claim human emissions are making the earth warmer.

“In Europe, Japan, and Australia, there is increasing doubt that drastic cuts in energy use are warranted, as the evidence of human-caused global warming proves lacking,” said Democrat Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “If we don’t enact draconian policies now, this window of misinformation might be closed forever.”

Proponents of the “cap and tax” legislation showed reporters a dire depiction of what could be “things to come” if misguided policies are not locked in place now: a lonely Al Gore, increasingly isolated on a twisted theory melting in the face of contrary empirical data.

As the earth’s temperature has flat-lined, even as concentrations of carbon dioxide increase, and research is contradicting what was previously claimed to be a consensus, Administration officials said “we must act now to increase energy costs based on extremely suspect environmental theories before those theories are completely refuted.”

Associated articles: London Times; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124597505076157449.html;
http://www.clubforgrowth.org/2009/06/15_reasons_to_oppose_climate_b.php; http://blogs.usatoday.com/sciencefair/2009/07/could-we-be-wrong-about-global-warming.html; http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=ZmU0NDMzZTlkM2E5MDBhY2Q4N2ViYTFkNjVmNzU5NTc=; http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=ZTBiMTRlMDQxNzEyMmRhZjU3ZmYzODI5MGY4ZWI5OWM

Friday, June 26, 2009

Obama Urges Congress to "Set an Example for the World to Follow" by Passing Critical Tooth Fairy Legislation

Washington, D.C.--President Obama has tried to convince the world that releasing terrorist detainees held at Guantanamo Bay doesn't pose a security threat, so other countries might accept them. He has also tried to convince the world that draconian steps should be taken to increase energy costs so emissions he claims increase "global warming" can be reduced worldwide.

But those efforts have met resistance overseas because Americans -- increasingly skeptical of their value -- generally oppose the release of Guantanamo Bay detainees into their own communities and legislation taxing domestic energy consumption.

Today, President Obama used what some called "his inherent moral authority" to prod Americans in a "new direction" by urging Congress to start "setting a better example for other countries to follow" by passing “essential tooth fairy legislation.”

"How can we expect the rest of the world to join us in pursuing bold, new, and untested policies aimed at making the world a better place if we don't do the same here at home?" asked Obama. “That's why I'm calling on Congress to set a new tone by passing legislation requiring all Americans to remove some of their own teeth and place them under their pillows so the tooth fairy can pay us a visit and boost the world economy."

One Administration official added, "If we can get other countries to trust our commitment to the tooth fairy and similar concepts, we'll have a much better chance getting them to pursue other apparently counter-factual policies."

"Americans have always been dreamers," said Obama at the conclusion of his remarks. "Congress needs to live up to that heritage and immediately pass tooth fairy legislation."

Associated articles: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/16/world/16gitmo.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/28/AR2009052803920_pf.html; http://www.royalgazette.com/siftology.royalgazette/Article/article.jsp?articleId=7d9684e30030001&sectionId=60; http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2009/06/four-uighurs-settled-in-bermuda.html; http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=OTIxNTlkNzc5NTM3N2IzYzBlODZiNDRjMGRlYWQxYzE=

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Obama Surrenders to Big Government; Signs Instrument of Surrender in Form of Bill Regulating the Cigarettes He Can't Keep Himself from Smoking

Yesterday, President Obama, a longtime and current smoker, officially surrendered to the federal government on behalf of the American people by signing federal legislation regulating cigarettes and other tobacco products. The ceremony took place aboard the deck of the U.S.S. Illinois.

During the ceremony, Obama said, "I am the perfect example of why individuals cannot be expected to use their own abilities and resources to improve their own lives. And if I can't do it, who can? We must look to government for the coercion we need to help reach the result it deems best for us."

The surrender was witnessed by cabinet officials and hundreds of other federal bureaucrats.

"Like many Americans," said Obama, "I often can't be trusted to set a good example for my kids, let alone provide all the parenting necessary to help ensure they do the right thing. This surrender is not something I wanted. But it's something we need as a nation."

Observers said Obama seemed a bit tense by the conclusion of the ceremony, at which time he reached into his suit pocket and quickly ducked behind the nearest flight control tower.

Associated articles: Fox News; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/22/AR2009062202910.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/17/AR2009061702802.html

Monday, June 22, 2009

White House Press Corps Struggles to Maintain Objective Distance from President While Sharing His Teleprompter

Washington, D.C.--An overwhelmingly left-leaning press has always found it difficult to maintain the sort of distance from a Democratic President required for objective news coverage. But media insiders say the relationship between the media and the President is becoming “more complicated than ever” now that the White House press corps shares Obama’s teleprompter.

“When the media and the President share a common vision, it only makes sense that they share the same teleprompter feed,” said one media critic. “But we’ve seen too many instances where reporters and the President finish each other’s sentences.”

News producers admit that while being so close to the President makes it easier to make campaign donations, it does have its drawbacks.

For example, during a recent ABC News special that was broadcast from the White House and touted Obama’s health care plan, viewers watched as anchor Charlie Gibson uttered Obama’s trademark “uhm’s” and “er’s” while he and the President struggled to read from the same teleprompter screen. They eventually butted heads.

“It was an awkward moment,” said one studio technician. “It got even worse when Gibson seized the opportunity and gave the President a quick peck on the cheek.”

Media analysts acknowledged that a shared teleprompter raises some technical issues, but dismissed concerns based on journalism ethics.

“The media does its job when it reports the news accurately,” said one source. “And there’s no better way to ensure that’s done than by reading directly from the President’s teleprompter.”

Associated articles: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/31/AR2009053102079.html; http://www.ibdeditorials.com/IBDArticles.aspx?id=330306097960268; http://newsroom.ucla.edu/portal/ucla/Media-Bias-Is-Real-Finds-UCLA-6664.aspx; http://gawker.com/5311055/white-house-press-corps-spent-the-fourth-of-july-hanging-out-with-obama-off-the-record

Friday, June 19, 2009

Obama Sends Sterner Message to Iran from His Personal Blackberry, But Experts Say His Use of Emoticons “May Cloud Message”

As millions of Iranians took to the streets to oppose a theocratic dictatorship, President Obama remained silent for several days, then spoke only tepidly in opposition to the brutal government crackdown on protesters demanding a more democratic Iran.

In an initial statement, Obama said he supported the continued “dialogue” in Iran but wished to avoid “meddling” in its affairs. Roundly criticized by all sides of the political spectrum for such timid remarks in support of liberty and democratic principles, Obama said yesterday that he sent a “sterner” message to the Iranian regime from his personal Blackberry.

But foreign policy analysts immediately expressed concern with the message’s “heavy use of emoticons” that may “muddy the import of its meaning.”

The message, reproduced in the accompanying picture, states “Dear Supreme Leader (and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad)” and begins with “Let me take this opportunity to clarify my earlier remarks.”

“A promising beginning,” remarked one foreign policy expert, “but then you see the emoticon,” referring to the characters :-} indicating “embarrassed smile.”

The next sentence of the message, “I want you to know that I support the protesters,” is followed by the emoticon *<:-) which analysts say indicates “Who do they think I am, Santa Clause?” The message continues “But I also respect your authority to maintain order,” followed by the ;-) “mischievous wink” emoticon. The penultimate sentence reads “I know that democracy can only be maintained if a country follows the rule of law,” which ends with the characters =[:-= , which one expert said “either refers to Abe Lincoln, or the medieval torture device known as the rack.” The message ends with “Please also understand that I do not mean for this email to be seen as meddling in your affairs,” and the accompanying characters 12@>-->-- which, according to experts, is the universally recognized “dozen roses” emoticon representing “abject apology.”

The email is signed “Your friend in denuclearization, Barack.”

When Iranian foreign officials were asked their reaction to the new “sterner” message, they said they had not yet seen it, and that “It probably got sent to the spam folder.”

Associated article: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/18/AR2009061803495.html

Saturday, June 13, 2009

EXCLUSIVE: GM Unveils More Aggressive Post-Bailout Commercial

General Motors' most recent television ad, called "re: invention," was criticized by some for taking a timid and defensive approach to luring new customers. In the ad, a narrator states "Let's be completely honest ... General Motors needs to start over to get stronger" and refers to the company's bankruptcy proceedings. It does not, however, refer to the $50 billion in taxpayer money that was used to bail out the company to date.

In response, media insiders say GM is on the verge of releasing a new version of the ad which company officials say "is equally honest," but takes "a more direct, bottom-line approach" to convincing consumers they should buy a GM car.

This publication obtained an advance copy of the new ad, and readers can view it below.



Associated articles: New York Times; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/11/AR2009061104213.html

Friday, June 12, 2009

In Televised Debate, Obama Deftly Confronts Straw Men, Explains Phantom Baseline By Which Administration Policies Should Be Judged

Washington, D.C.--President Obama laid down a gauntlet last night, agreeing for the first time to a face-to-face televised debate with the various straw men he says have unfairly criticized his policies.

Following Obama’s explanation that the baseline for expected budget savings should be the costs of war efforts no one suggested funding, he opened yesterday’s debate by explaining how the fairness of his proposals should be measured against a phantom baseline of terrifying government policies no one’s ever proposed.

“Some say I acted unfairly by forcing auto company bondholders to accept equity stakes of just 9% while granting 20% to the unions whose overly generous wage and benefits programs helped drive the companies to bankruptcy,” said Obama. “But I think the American people will understand the choice I made was the only one consitent with our values, considering the alternative was making auto company stakeholders eat syringes.”

In a largely one-sided exchange of ideas, the straw men reiterated their usual arguments, saying “We should just to do nothing,” “We can address these issues with half-steps and piecemeal measures,” and “While our opponent chooses unity and hope, we support road rage and peach phobias."

Obama took the offensive to thunderous applause, stating “I reject the philosophy that says every problem can be solved if only the government flooded houses with molasses.”

Finally, the president offered an emphatic retort to end the debate. “No longer,” he said, “will we accept the notion that hate and fear can fulfill all our nation’s energy needs.”

Associated articles: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/03/02/republicans-expected-war-savings-obama-budget-suggest-fuzzy-math/; http://www.investors.com/NewsAndAnalysis/Article.aspx?id=477978; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/04/AR2009020403174.html; http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/24/us/politics/24straw.html?ref=politics

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

After Granting Terrorists Miranda Rights, Obama Authorizes Use of Lawyers to Act as Terrorists’ Human Shields

Afghanistan--After reversing a previous position in which he said terrorists should not be granted Miranda rights, President Obama took what national security experts say was the next logical step in his law enforcement approach to terrorism by authorizing defense lawyers to act as terrorists’ protective human shields.

Addressing reporters at a press conference to announce the new policy, Obama said “Under my Administration, we’ve already taken the step of advising terrorists of their right to remain silent and their right to consult an attorney. Today I build on that policy by announcing terrorists will have additional legal rights in the form of attorney human shields.”

Borrowing former Iraq dictator Saddam Hussein's strategy in which civilians were used to protect military targets from attack, Obama said he was adapting the tactic to “further the bedrock American principle that says everyone deserves a phalanx of lawyers.”

“The laws of war prohibit the targeting of civilians and don't afford captured enemy combatants the right to a lawyer,” said Obama. “If terrorists don’t follow the laws of war, we shouldn’t either. Hence, my policy of lawyers for terrorists.”

Administration officials added that the element of surprise is essential to winning the war on terror, and "the last thing terrorists will expect is that we’d surround them with civilian legal counsel."

When asked whether the new shield policy itself violated the laws of war, Administration officials said it did not, explaining that “technically, lawyers aren’t human.”

Associated article: http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/016/605iidws.asp; associated video: http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2009/06/10/flashback_obama_says_detainees_dont_deserve_miranda_rights.html; http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-fbi28-2009may28,0,694540.story

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

CBS Previews First Episode of “Survivor: Palau;” Show Features Team of Former Detainees Released from Guantanamo Bay

Los Angeles, California.—CBS previewed the latest season of its popular “Survivor” television series to an audience of Los Angeles media critics yesterday.

The network announced that as a result of the Obama administration’s negotiations with the island of Palau – and $200 million in advertising paid for by the federal government -- contestants on “Survivor: Palau” include several former detainees released from Guantanamo Bay. The detainees are members of a Uighur ethnic group affiliated with a designated terrorist organization that seeks to establish a radical Islamic theocracy throughout South and Central Asia.

While some critics complained the contest was shaping up to be “a bit of a mismatch” -- pitting a college cheerleader and a travel agent against religious extremists who received military instruction at an al Qaeda-affiliated terrorist training camp – others praised the series as a “microcosmic experiment in facilitating global harmony.”

In the episode previewed, the former Guantanamo Bay detainees lose a coconut chopping contest, putting them at risk of elimination. “They kept sawing back and forth with the blade,” said one critic. “That seemed to really slow them down.”

The ex-detainees go on to win the next challenge, but are disqualified after hurling at their opponents the same noxious cocktail of feces and bodily fluids they threw at guards during a March, 2003, prison riot.

One critic, excitedly describing the show’s last segment, revealed that the ex-detainees announce their intention to protest the Tribal Council’s democratic procedures by detonating a plastic bottle filled with their own methane gas. Then, in yet another dramatic turn of events, the ex-detainees win immunity after the show’s producers interrogate them in an overly aggressive manner in an attempt to discover the bomb’s location.

“The thing is, though,” said the critic, “they don’t discover the bomb.”

CBS officials had no comment on the content of future episodes.

Associated articles: http://www.charlotteobserver.com/194/story/771303.html; http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/10/world/10palau.html?_r=1&ref=todayspaper; http://www.longwarjournal.org/archives/2009/04/the_uighurs_in_their-print.php; http://articles.latimes.com/2009/apr/24/nation/na-gitmo-release24; http://www.treas.gov/press/releases/tg92.htm; http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Information_paper:_Uighur_Detainee_Population_at_JTF-GTMO; http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5h0PvMT3xGXLwI-2KwkOThMJToprwD99A604O0; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/10/31/AR2009103102140.html

Obama Appoints Russian Mystic Rasputin “Psychic Economic Adviser to the Czars”

Washington, D.C.--Earlier this year, the Obama Administration warned that if Congress failed to pass legislation allowing government control over large-scale taxpayer-funded spending projects, the unemployment rate would rise to 8.8% by this month. Congress enacted such legislation, but since then the unemployment rate has risen to 9.4%, indicating the $787 billion stimulus bill was not worth the cost.

Disappointed by his government’s failure to accurately predict the economic results of its own programs, President Obama rejected a return to capitalism and instead announced his appointment of yet another cabinet member.

“Although I’ve created a variety of ‘czars,’ from car czars to corporate payment czars,” Obama told reporters, “they haven’t been able to agree on how best to produce the jobs America needs. I need someone to manage inter-czar disputes, and who better to do that than the mystic Grigori Rasputin, famed psychic counselor to Czar Nicholas II.”

“Mr. Rasputin did an excellent job stemming the uncontrolled bleeding of the hemopheliac son of a Russian monarch,” said Obama, “and I’m confident he can also help stem massive job losses in the U.S. economy.”

While critics say no group of government regulators could ever reproduce the efficient allocation of jobs and resources that result from a free market in which millions of unique individuals engage in mutually beneficial and voluntary transactions, Obama predicted such critics would come around “once they gaze into Rasputin’s freaky deaky, all-seeing eyes.”

Insiders said Rasuptin has already discerned that Obama's policies have "saved" 150,000 jobs that would have otherwise been lost. When asked how the number of jobs "saved" could ever be verified, administration sources said the figure was derived from "macroeconomic estimates provided by the Ouija Board of Economic Statistics."

Associated materials: http://otrans.3cdn.net/45593e8ecbd339d074_l3m6bt1te.pdf; http://michaelscomments.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/stimulus-vs-unemployment-may2.gif; http://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.nr0.htm; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124451592762396883.html; http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Obama-repackages-stimulus-apf-15470798.html; http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1466397368167658753&ei=wtYtSuHCM4nKqgKDnbW0Cg&q=%22commanding+heights%22+hayek&hl=en; associated video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJu0DgpiK8c&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fpajamasmedia%2Ecom%2Finstapundit%2F&feature=player_embedded

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Treasury Secretary Geithner Takes Comedy Routine on the Road

Peking, China.--Language posed no barrier to the universal humor of government incompetence as Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner started his "World Tour of Comedy" yesterday in China. The tour is intended to assuage foreign governments' fears that their loans to the U.S. won’t be repaid.

Speaking to a capacity crowd at Peking University, Geithner donned his trademark sequin-covered leather jacket and upturned collar and regaled the audience with dozens of “bottom liners.”

“My staff told me our 2009 federal budget deficit was set to reach 13% of our gross domestic product,” he said. “13%! Can you believe it? I told them 13’s unlucky, so let’s make it 14% instead. D'oh!”

The Chinese finance minister was spotted doubled over in laughter as Geithner kept them coming.

“We were spending so much taxpayer money at Treasury we ran out of ways to use it. I started grinding it up and snorting it.”

Halfway through the performance, as the crowd's laughter turned nervous, Geithner tried to offer some reassurance.

“Hey, don’t worry,” he said. “We’re going to cut our deficit by reforming our health care system. Now you might ask how spending trillions for a new entitlement program will reduce concerns about the deficit? Well that’s just the money we’ll be spending on Prozac.”

Sensing the audience had begun to turn hostile, Geithner cut his performance short. As he ran off the stage, he could be heard yelling “Hey, I don’t pay all my taxes either!”

Associated articles: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/financetopics/financialcrisis/5423650/Geithner-insists-Chinese-dollar-assets-are-safe.html; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124398801277079489.html

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

News Brief: Obama Puts Spelling Bee Winner in Charge of Education Policy

Washington, D.C.--Earlier this year, President Obama selected a 31-year-old who had never run a business or set foot in an automotive assembly plant to oversee the dismantling of the General Motors auto company.

Today, Obama announced he had selected Sameer Gunturi, the winner of the 2009 National Spelling Bee, to spearhead his education reforms.

“Sameer can spell ‘staphylococci,’” said Obama, “so I’m confident he can spell ‘success’ for America's education system as well.”

Associated article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/01/business/01deese.html?_r=2&partner=rss&emc=rss

Monday, June 1, 2009

Obama Backtracks on Pledge to Keep White House “Free of Lobbyist Influence” as All Federal Employees Become Lobbyists for General Motors

Washington, D.C.--President Obama, who pledged during the campaign to keep his administration free of influence by lobbyists, has had to backtrack from that commitment after the White House takeover of General Motors made all federal government employees lobbyists for the auto company.

Now that the U.S. government owns GM and will simultaneously serve as its regulator, tax collector, customer, and lender, the entire federal workforce must now devote itself to helping ensure that government regulatory, tax, sales, and lending policies support the interests of its own bankrupt company. As one Treasury official said, “That requires a lot of lobbyists, so it’s all hands on the deck of the Titanic.”

Commerce Department employees will focus on lobbying for less stringent fuel efficiency standards that would help GM sell more of its most profitable full-size trucks and sports utility vehicles. At the same time, employees of the Environmental Protection Agency will lobby for stronger fuel efficiency standards. Treasury Department employees will lobby for rules that maximize the company’s chances of providing a better return on investments, while lobbyists at the Internal Revenue Service will seek changes that generate more taxes to prop up the failing company. The Office of the U.S. Trade Representative will lobby for more GM factories overseas, which the Labor Department will lobby against.

White House officials said the massive, cross-purpose lobbying effort would require extensive oversight, with press secretary Robert Gibbs telling reporters the President intends to appoint a “lobbying czar.”

Associated articles: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124381322189670529.html#printMode; http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0309/19961.html

Sunday, May 31, 2009

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Voicemail from Overseas Customer Support Technician Reveals Frustrations Associated with Outsourcing Terrorist Interrogations

President Obama has dramatically raised the legal standards that govern whether and how U.S. officials can interrogate terrorists. Consequently, the United States has had to rely increasingly on foreign intelligence services to obtain information from terrorists that could prevent future attacks and save American lives.

The Obama Administration has stepped up its rendition program, under which terrorists are sent for questioning to other countries, where Obama's interrogation restrictions don't apply. But as the Administration has come to learn, along with the outsourcing of terrorist interrogations comes a problem American consumers have long been familiar with: the dreaded call to an overseas customer support technician.

This newspaper has recently obtained a message left on a U.S. defense official’s voicemail in response to a technical support request to a foreign intelligence agency. The anonymous source who forwarded the voicemail said “Getting essential intelligence information is now as frustrating as getting technical support from Dell or Microsoft.” Many fear America's intelligence capabilities will suffer as a result.

Readers are invited to listen to the voicemail by clicking the image below.


Associated article: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/29/AR2009052902989.html

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Cap-and-Trade Bill Expanded to Develop Markets in Household Radical Environmentalists

Washington, D.C.--Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA), the Chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, announced his support yesterday for legislation that would expand the so-called "cap and trade" program designed to limit emissions that contribute to global warming.

The cap and trade program works by capping the total amount of pollutants all companies can emit and creating a market in tradable credits those companies can use to allocate how much pollution each company can produce.

Explaining the new program, Waxman said "With growing evidence that the theory of human-caused global warming cannot be substantiated, it's becoming much more difficult to justify the cap and trade program. To maintain the environmental hysteria that program's based on, Congress needs to create a market for environmental ideologues who will harass, needle, and otherwise cajole people into taking actions that can't be justified by science.”

Under the new program, environmental ideologues would be regulated nationwide in a way that distributes them more evenly throughout society. Households with more than a critical mass of such ideologues would be able to trade them to others who need to be pressured into reducing their own carbon footprints.

"My sister rarely showers or shaves to save energy," said one brother grateful for the new program. "She even makes us wash out and reuse the plastic bags for picking up after the dog. Now I can send her off to the family down the street in exchange for their son because the government says they don’t use enough public transportation."

Another man looking forward to the program complained that his roommate "guilted us into buying reusable bamboo underwear. Now we'll get to trade him for someone who’ll just make us use florescent light bulbs.”

Waxman said the program was needed to spread unnecessary sacrifices more efficiently. “We've already passed a cap and trade regime that will dramatically increase utility costs for all consumers,” he told reporters. “What I'm proposing today is the creation of a program that will lower the costs of fanatical Pollyanna’s for others.”

Associated videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xOxwW4Toio&feature=player_embedded; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSlK9312nWc&feature=player_embedded

Associated articles: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/19/fashion/19greenorexia.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=difficult%20%22living%20with%22%20strain%20recycling%20carbon%20footprint&st=cse; http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/016/624cneah.asp?pg=2

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Justice Department Announces New Interrogation and Detention Policies

Washington, D.C.--The Justice Department announced the country’s new terrorist interrogation policies yesterday, under which interrogators will be confined to the techniques listed in the Army Field Manual, which bans all threatening methods. President Obama ordered the changes in January.

The Manual goes so far as to ban grabbing terrorists by the collar, but Justice Department lawyers assured reporters that interrogators could continue to gather actionable intelligence from terrorists by capturing their attention in other ways, such as dressing in bumblebee costumes.

The Manual also bans the use of “stress positions” in which detainees would be placed in uncomfortable positions for long periods of time. “From now on,” said a Justice Department spokesperson, “only interrogators will be expected to remain bent over with any regularity.”

Terrorists are currently held at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility, where detainees take art classes, play sports, table tennis, and foosball, and watch DVDs. There is also one medical personnel -- including doctors and nurses -- for every three detainees. Still, outside organizations were invited to the press conference to express their concerns about conditions at the facility, which the Obama Administration pledged to address.

The International Red Cross cited instances in which soccer balls were not properly inflated, tea was served at room temperature, and mail service operated so slowly that detainees’ messages were delivered well after plots could be brought to fruition.

Amnesty International also reported on the flimsy quality of the mealtime plasticware, which it said was entirely unsuitable for use by detainees in constructing the sorts of dangerous handmade weapons prison guards had confiscated in the past.

There were also complaints about the adequacy of the health care provided. The Red Cross noted the example of Abdullah Mehsud, a terrorist who lost a leg in battle, was captured, fitted with a prosthetic limb at taxpayer expense, then released. “They said he received a state-of-the-art prosethetic, but we question that” said one official, “When Mehsud was recaptured after he returned to the battlefield, he clearly wasn’t able to outrun the military.”

Overcrowding was also cited as a problem at the facility. The Center for Constitutional Rights alone has coordinated the representation of detainees with a network of over 500 pro bono habeas counsel, and the detainees’ cells aren’t large enough to comfortably fit all their lawyers. One detainee was almost crushed between two dollies of extra large trial bags.

In February, Attorney General Eric Holder announced after an inspection that the Guantanamo Bay detention facilities were professionally run and met all international standards, but he insisted the facility would be closed regardless because “we need to show the world America is determined to follow through on its most fundamental traditions of cheap presidential campaign rhetoric.”

Associated articles: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/18/AR2009051803126.html; http://www.army.mil/institution/armypublicaffairs/pdf/fm2-22-3.pdf; http://supportingmaterials.blogspot.com/2009/05/excerpts-from-inside-gitmo.html; http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2008-12-11-detainees_N.htm; http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/24/us/24detainees.html; http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/25/holder.guantanamo/; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/08/28/AR2009082803874.html?hpid=topnews

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Obama Responds to Demands for Specific Plans to Close the GITMO Detention Facility by Unveiling Detailed Diagrams of His Complex Sentence Structures

Washington, D.C.--President Obama has released or cleared for release several known terrorists and al-Qaeda associates, yet he hasn't publicly clarified his rationales for those decisions.

As a result, Members of Congress have demanded that President Obama present concrete plans for dealing with the over 200 dangerous detainees currently held at the Guantanamo Bay detention facilities before Congress funds its dismantling.

Obama responded to those demands yesterday with an extended speech in which he described in fine detail the complex structure of the sentences he will use, and the deep thought process he will employ, when dealing with Guantanamo and other national security issues.

Obama pointed to a sentence diagram to show how, in dealing with the Guantanamo detainees, he would delicately imbed the expression of unpleasant notions between carefully constructed parallel predicate nouns to create the illusion of resolution while avoiding directly addressing the central problem at hand. And he said he would do so while avoiding copulative predicates.

The President also said he would employ the word “but” as often as necessary to make his sentences turn on multiple fulcrums that cancel each other out, resulting in no tipping point whatsoever and keeping his grammar free of any decisiveness, one way or the other.

Only once during the hour-long speech did the President appear to stumble into a decision. He quickly recovered following a few carefully spaced “uhs” and “ers”.

Following Obama’s presentation, Senators said they had complete faith in the President’s ability to obfuscate any discernable strategy for dealing with the detainees while appearing to make weighty and carefully deliberative decisions that considered all angles.

After the speech, one Senator was asked whether Obama had presented a plan detailed enough to justify the necessary appropriations. The Senator borrowed a line from the President’s speech and confidently predicted that “Although there are no easy answers in these extraordinary times, there is much work to be done, and let me say as plainly as I can that I will take the steps necessary to fulfill both my obligation to adhere to our most fundamental values and my responsibility to maintain our tradition of safety for the American people in a way that fits no ideological predisposition.”

Associated articles: http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gj2oO72tz7sEIr76Tr_UrJNTtGSgD98AA39O0; http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=aDfJCdTKYpyE&refer=home; http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/18/what-sentence-diagrams-re_n_167988.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/21/AR2009052103680.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/09/24/AR2009092404893.html?hpid=topnews

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Some Hail Obama’s Requiring More Costly Low-Emission Autos; Others Concerned Cars Designed to “Burn Through So Much Money” May Increase Global Warming

President Obama announced his support yesterday for new auto design rules that would impose stricter emission standards on cars and trucks. The new rules are expected to increase costs to consumers by at least an extra $1,300 per vehicle while providing no net benefits.

Preliminary designs of new vehicles that would meet the new specifications include multiple ignitable exhaust pipes made of tightly rolled hundred dollar bills that would burn through consumers’ cash.

Auto engineers said they had to add the extra money pipes because more expensive cars mean fewer cars are sold, which means more auto workers are laid off and more income lost.

Environmental groups initially praised the new rules, but later expressed concern they would "burn through vast amounts of money" and spread plumes of polluting particulates that could increase global warming. "We're talking waste in the form of forest fire-sized cash infernos here," said one Sierra Club official.

Some environmental activists were disappointed that increasing fuel-efficiency is expected to reduce the per-mile cost of operating vehicles, which will increase the number of miles driven, and thus reduce or eliminate any expected emission reductions, which under even best-case scenarios would reduce the global temperature by only seven thousandths of a degree Celsius by the end of this century.

But other environmental groups saw a silver lining in the announcement. The new fuel-efficiency rules will also require smaller, lighter, and consequently less safe cars that will lead to higher traffic fatalities. While some environmental advocates suggested those risks could be reduced by filling air bags with yet more shredded cash, they added that any increased mortality "will help reduce our collective carbon footprint in the long run."

Associated articles: http://www.salon.com/wires/ap/2009/05/19/D9895Q0O1_us_obama_autos/; http://www.nap.edu/openbook.php?isbn=0309076013&page=3; http://www.cato.org/pub_display.php?pub_id=4311; http://www.usatoday.com/money/autos/2009-05-19-auto-safety-small-cars_N.htm

Monday, May 18, 2009

CIA Says It Briefed Pelosi in Form of Loud Heavy Metal Music “To Make Sure She Got the Message;” Pelosi Now Claims Briefing Was Accurate, But Torture

Washington, D.C.--After being accused by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi that it withheld information about the enhanced interrogation techniques used on known terrorists in 2002, the CIA revealed for the first time that not only was Pelosi fully briefed on the subject, but she was briefed in the form of a thunderous heavy metal song to "hammer home" the point.

The song, called "Waterboarding," was performed by the band Judas Priest and included the refrain: “What the terrorists knew they wouldn't say, so we had to find another way! Some may think it's uncouth, but it's time to flush out ... the ... truth! Wa-ter-board-ing! Wa-ter-board-ing!”

After the CIA released the video of the high octane performance, Pelosi contended the briefing itself constituted torture. “Sure, I was fully briefed,” she told reporters, “but they strapped me to an inverted sound board and drilled the information into my head with relentless ear-splitting vocals.”

Associated articles and video: http://hotair.com/archives/2009/05/14/video-pelosi-goes-nuclear-on-the-cia-over-torture-as-cheneys-memo-request-is-denied/; http://thehill.com/leading-the-news/cia-director-fires-back-at-pelosi-2009-05-15.html

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Attorney General Assures Congress Only Less Competent Terrorists Will Be Released

Washington, D.C.--In January, President Obama signed an executive order to close the Guantanamo Bay detention facility within a year, leaving open the possibility that terrorist detainees would be released into the United States or other countries.

At a Congressional hearing last week, Attorney General Eric Holder was asked whether he believed he had the authority to release someone with terrorist training into the U.S. Holder didn’t directly answer the question, but said the Obama Administration doesn’t have any plans to release “terrorists.” This week, at another hearing, Holder was pressed further on what sorts of people he considers “terrorists.”

When asked whether he would consider someone a terrorist if they were a member of a terrorist group and received terrorist training at a camp run by terrorists, Holder replied, “I think you need to make individual determinations regarding what type of training that person received.”

Using one of several jihadist report cards captured in anti-terror raids, Holder showed how Binyam Batarfi -- a detainee likely to be released -- had done poorly in his beheading course. The report card included the notes of Batarfi’s instructor, who remarked of his student, “Not so good with knife; perhaps Binyam could instead cut heads of lettuce at a terrorist safe house.”

Other instructor notes indicated that while Batarfi was “eager to kill innocents, his shy nature inhibited his integration into civilian populations.” And his biological weapons teacher added that Batarfi “has trouble distinguishing smallpox from chicken pox.”

Holder also pointed to the example of Binyam Mohammed, who was released by the Obama Administration to England earlier this year. Mohammed was a member of al-Qaeda, met personally with Osama bin Laden, received extensive terrorist training and was an intended accomplice of would-be “dirty bomber” -- and now convicted terrorist -- Jose Padilla. Mohammed planned to carry out mass-murder attacks in American cities that included a range of possible targets and modes of attack, from striking U.S. subways to setting apartment buildings on fire using ordinary gas lines.

Justifying the Administration’s decision to release Mohammed, Holder said “How good a terrorist could he be? He was caught.”

Holder questioned the threat posed by terrorist trainees who lost fingers in bomb-making classes, or whose poorly designed weapons are likely to miss their intended targets.

He also downplayed the notion that past membership in a terrorist organization alone should be a cause for concern, noting “Heck, I’m a member of a book club that reads crime novels. I wouldn’t want that held against me.”

Associated video:


Associated articles: http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D981ILK81&show_article=1; http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/05/07/holder-says-terrorists-wont-set-free/; http://www.longwarjournal.org/archives/2009/04/the_uighurs_in_their-print.php; http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=ZTMyNTY5YTk1ZDJhOGY2MWI0NGE1ZmU3ZTgwYWZkODE=; http://www.longwarjournal.org/archives/2009/02/binyam_mohamed_the_f.php; http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-gitmo-release24-2009apr24,0,7979465.story; additional video: Homeland Security Fail