Friday, July 30, 2010

Radical Islamic Cleric Revises Fatwa to Apply to "Less Freedom-Loving U.S."

Yemen--A prominent radical Islamic cleric who had previously issued a fatwa declaring war against the "freedom-loving bastion of liberty that is the U.S. government" revised his fatwa yesterday. It now applies to the "kind-of-more-socialistic enclave of intrusive state-run programs that is the U.S. government."

The cleric said the revised fatwa was necessary because the character of the U.S. has changed so much in the last couple of years that his "terrorist followers were becoming confused as to what is the target of their religiously-motivated hatred."

Radical Islamic officials said the U.S. "still has a free-enough feel to it" to justify "really disliking the U.S." but the clarifications to the fatwa were necessary because "some terrorists were thinking the fatwa maybe applied to China, where tax rates are going down and free enterprise is increasingly encouraged."

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Obama Administration Debuts New Social Engineering Site

Washington, D.C.--The Obama White House today announced the debut of a new "social engineering" website called Taxbasebook through which the federal government could monitor private citizens' every move and craft regulatory policies accordingly.

"We're already seeing lots of updates from people saying how much they're enjoying the latest Starbucks latte," said one administration official, "so we're sending proposed latte tax legislation to Congress."

A White House spokesman said that on Taxbasebook, unlike Facebook, there won't be an option to deny a friendship request from the government, and accepting a Taxbasebook friend request will allow the Obama Administration to share members' personal information with the IRS, the Census Bureau, and the Department of Health and Human Services, and to more efficiently announce tax rate increases to the Taxbasebook community.

"It's weird that everyone's pictures are tagged Sucka," said one new Taxbasebook member, "but I'm looking forward to getting to know all my new 3,042,965 federal bureaucrat Taxbasbook friends."

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Obama Faces Jilted Voters on Raucous Jerry Springer Show

Chicago, Illinois--Just days after appearing on ABC's talk show "The View," President Obama continued his trash TV tour by appearing on the Jerry Springer Show, where he was confronted by his own jilted voters.

"You told me hope and change, hope and change!" screamed one disgusted supporter, pointing to another woman offstage. "But you never told me about her!"

"Nancy gave me what I needed!" said Obama. "Where were you when I wanted to dedicate one-sixth of the economy to government control?"

The audience was whipped into a frenzy when the Speaker of the House stormed onstage and began pulling other voters' hair. According to one audience member, "When security tried to separate them, Speaker Pelosi yelled something about how she has the constitutional authority to make people buy better weaves."

Monday, July 19, 2010

Obama "Invigorated" Following Latest Vacation in La La Land

Washington, D.C.--White House officials said President Obama was "invigorated" following his latest vacation in La La Land, a favorite get-away for the cerebral chief federal executive.

"Few things recharge the president's batteries like visions of cash growing on trees and the smell of newly-printed money," said the White House press secretary.

The La La Land Chamber of Pipedreams reiterated its pleasure with Obama's latest stay in the favorite destination of utopian dreamers.

"Tourism was down over the last many years, and lots of European leaders now prefer to stay grounded in the reality of their own country's economic circumstances" said a Chamber official. "But things are finally picking up now that the leader of the free world is becoming a regular vacationer here."

Friday, July 16, 2010

Results of White House Dog Sanctions Policy Similar to Iran Sanctions Policy

Washington, D.C.--The Obama Administration acknowledged today that its sanctions policy regarding the White House dog Bo was yielding results similar to its sanctions policy regarding Iran. But administration officials said they remain determined to "send an unmistakable message" to the unruly dog after he left another unfortunate gift on the Yellow Room dining table.

"This misplaced duty on the part of one rogue hound," said Obama, "will be met with the resolute fulfillment of my responsibility to use every diplomatic resource I have to help ensure we achieve meaningful domestic relations. I can assure everyone that these discussions will continue until a lasting agreement is achieved that is accommodating to all concerned."

Bo reacted to the President's remarks by chewing on the drapes, then urinating on an antique sofa leg.

Associated articles: Krauthammer; Foreign Policy

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Keith Olbermann Show Needs "Whacked-Checker" (click image to enlarge)

Associated website: Olbermann Watch

NAACP Hosts National Race Card Tournament

Baltimore, Maryland--The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) gathered the nation's leading exploiters of decades-old American history for this year's National Race Card Tournament in Baltimore, Maryland.

"We've brought together some of the best race card players the country has to offer," said one event organizer, "including Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and a number of Members of Congress."

This year's players are competing for the chance to smear as racists anyone associated with a loosely-organized Tea Party coalition consisting of a wide cross-section of the American public dedicated to reducing the massive federal debt and preserving individual freedom from government control.

"I'm in it to win it," said one member of the Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP, which recently called for Hallmark to recall a talking space-based graduation card because they heard its reference to "black holes" as "black whores."

Already one player has been disqualified from the competition for trying to play the race card against the "CP" in the NAACP's own name.

Associated video: ABC News; associated articles: Kansas City Star; Politico; Thomas Sowell; UK Telegraph; Washington Post; Wall Street Journal

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Guest Columnist: The Solution to All Our Problems Lies in Jon Stewart's Snarky Facial Expressions

by Ed Tang, media columnist

Many people get their news from The Daily Show, hosted by leftist comedian Jon Stewart. His snarky, sarcastic commentary frames the debate surrounding the most important issues of the day and relentlessly parodies the official response to major crises.

But if you look closely, you'll find that every weeknight you're looking not just at a skilled leftist comedian. You're looking right in the face of the solution to all our nation's problems without even realizing it. That face is Jon Stewart's.

As liberals, emotion guides public policy, and there is much emotion in Stewart's multifaceted visage. The expressions that punctuate every punchline brim with protean wisdom. If his quips describe the problem, then his snarky expressions must define the solution.

How to provide cheap and efficient energy to improve the lives of individuals and their families? The answer lies is a downturned nose and raised eyebrows. How to ensure maximum choice in health care options? Look no further than the touch of a hand to an impish smirk. The perils to avoid? These are mapped in an elaborate rubbing of hands and intertwining of fingers.

If we look to comedians to frame the issues of the day, we must look at them closely enough to discern the solutions we need. If America's utopians were ever to craft a platform for change, let it be the indelible image of Stewart's furrowed brow.

Associated article: Politfact

Monday, July 12, 2010

White House Says "Since Congress Passed the Giant Spending Bill, Not One Dinosaur Has Returned to Ravage the Earth"

Washington, D.C.--While the White House had promised that if Congress passed its $787 billion spending bill, unemployment would not rise above 8%, unemployment has risen to ten percent even after Congress passed the massive spending bill, a rise much higher than the White House predicted would happen if Congress had done nothing at all. Still, President Obama assured the nation yesterday that, were it not for the giant spending legislation, "We could have seen dinosaurs roaming the earth once again."

Administration officials said that "While we could have experienced a resurgence of the dreaded Velociraptor and other meat-eating dinosaur populations, we have yet to see the reappearance of even a single plant-eating Europasaurus."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Hot Air

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Social Worker: "Beheading Can Make It Difficult to Connect with Terrorist Clients"

by Stan Tebbits, social worker

As one of the many social workers deployed to engage the extremists that deputy national security adviser for counterterrorism and homeland security John Brennan said are victims of "social forces," I know how difficult it is to convince bloodthirsty religiously-motivated mass murders determined to impose a worldwide theocracy that they are the victims of low self-esteem. But such is Mr. Brennan's noble charge to us.

I strive daily to help such clients overcome the addictions poverty brings. I've had clients even bring their improvised explosive devices to counseling sessions. But sometimes all they need is someone who will stay silent and listen, a breakthrough often achieved once their knives have cut past your trachea. Such meetings can often be emotional, so keep a box of Kleenex handy next to the tourniquet.

As John Brennan reminds us, the United States is not at war with terrorism because terrorism is only a "tactic," not an enemy. Similarly, beheadings can often be an elaborate "head fake" used by insecure clients to distract you from their true needs. Try to see through that, as spasmodic eye movements can occur for a short time following decapitation.

Finally, let your clients know they are not alone, and that there are hundreds of thousands others like them who are willing to assist them.

Associated articles: Krauthammer; Washington Times

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

White House: "Regulations Are Necessary to Save the Environmentalists"

Gulf Coast, Louisiana--To help clean up the Gulf oil spill, the Dutch offered to send specialized skimmer boats that suck up huge quantities of oil, extract the vast majority of it, and then discharge overboard nearly oil-free water. But the Obama Administration rejected the offer by refusing to waive regulations that require that only 99.9985 percent pure water be discharged into the Gulf. The result was that, rather than skimming up most of the oil, all of the oil was left in the Gulf.

The Obama Administration finally relented in part and accepted the Dutch offer of their cleaning equipment, but rather than allow Dutch crews experienced in the operation of the technology to operate it, the Obama Administration required that the technology be retrofitted to U.S. vessels to appease U.S. labor unions.

White House officials defended these decisions by clarifying that "The purpose of the regulations isn't to protect the environment, but to protect environmentalists and labor unions."

Associated article: Financial Post

Monday, July 5, 2010

Obama Blames Current Problems on Founding Fathers

Shiftown, Arkansas--President Obama spoke to a crowd of supporters today and took the opportunity to explain the context of the crises he faces as the nation's leader.

"People are saying 'where's the change, where's the change?' Now, I've only been in office for a year and half," Obama told the audience. "When I came to the White House, the Constitution already existed. All these separations of powers, the cozy relationship between people who want certain products and those who supply them in a free enterprise system under a limited government, all that was in place when I got here."

"Every day, we're making progress," he continued, "but I have to tell you, the influence of the guys who wrote the Constitution became entrenched, not on my watch, but well before I was even born. It's going to take some time to undo all that."

Associated article: Washington Examiner

Thursday, July 1, 2010

As Political Compromise, Democrats Propose Ignoring Both the Second and Third Amendments to the Constitution

After the Supreme Court held that the Second Amendment protects an individual's right to bear arms from government interference nationwide, anti-gun Democrats offered a political compromise in which they would agree to ignore both the Second and Third Amendments to the Constitution.

"While we recognize that the sort of strict gun control laws we support actually increase crime because they prevent law-abiding citizens from protecting themselves with guns while allowing criminals to use guns against them," said one prominent Democrat, "we still think Americans can't be trusted to exercise their constitutional right to bear arms. So we're proposing that the federal government ignore both the Second Amendment and the Third Amendment, which prevents the military from quartering troops in the houses of private citizens, so the U.S. army can protect Americans instead of Americans' defending themselves."

Democratic leaders defended their proposal by saying that "the correct policy always results from maximizing government interference, and we can do that here by ignoring not one but two parts of the Bill of Rights."

Associated video: Heartland Institute; associated articles: Washington Examiner; Daily Caller

"Living Constitution" Pronounced Dead

Washington, D.C.--After hearings were concluded on the President Obama's nomination of a new Supreme Court Justice, Juris Doctors pronounced the "Living Constitution" dead after the nation's supreme legal document failed to respond to pleas by Senators, left-wing judges, and academics for over 223 years.

"We held out hope that the parchment would give us a sign, any sign, that judges should impose their own personal views on what the Constitution should mean, based on their own contemporaneous policy preference," said one Harvard Law professor. "But the words in the Constitution just haven't budged."

Some Senators tried in vain during the hearings to articulate a plausible rationale regarding how anything resembling the "rule of law" could be upheld if the meaning of the Constitution turned on the shifting personal views of five out of nine Justices. But after hours of exhaustive blathering, they finally gave up.

Following the hearings, a candlelight vigil was held outside the National Archives, led by the Supreme Court's most prominent judicial activists.

"I feel empty inside," said one Justice, "not being able to look at that document and see myself reflected in it anymore."

A Message on the Second Amendment

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