Friday, April 30, 2010

White House Increases Accessibility to Press with New Stock Answer Vending Machines

Washington, D.C.--In response to complaints by the national media that the White House's day-to-day interaction with the press has become almost nonexistent, that President Obama hasn't held a news conference for 10 months and speaks to the press far less often than George W. Bush did, that the New York Times is favored while reporters who write critical articles are frozen out, and that fewer agency officials speak to the press, administration press secretary Robert Gibbs announced that several new vending machines will be placed around the White House grounds to increase access by the media.

"We're going to stock these machine with our most common stock answers," said Gibbs, "and those answers will appear in plain view." He also reiterated that "This is the most transparent administration in history."

Associated article: Politico

Thursday, April 29, 2010

South Park Creators Concerned New Comedy Central Humor Review Board Will Limit Their Creativity

New York, New York--The Comedy Central network recently aired an episode of the irreverent "South Park" cartoon -- a series that has relentlessly mocked all aspects of American society -- that depicted a Muslim prophet in a bear costume. That reportedly offended some radical Muslims who suggested the cartoon's creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone would be killed for blasphemy.

In response to those threats, Comedy Central instituted an internal review procedure that Parker and Stone say may limit their creative expression.

"They have two terrorists hovering over us with bloody hacksaws," said Parker. "It's a bit heavy-handed."

A Comedy Central spokesperson defended the new review process, saying "Why should this network outsource a censorship policy when we're fully capable of operating it in-house?"

Associated article: Ross Douthat

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Obama Administration Supports Construction of Giant White Picket Fence Along Middle American Border

Washington, D.C.--After producing a campaign video in which he called on "young people, African-Americans, Latinos, and women" to help elect Democrats in the coming election, while pointedly avoiding reaching out to other Americans, and after making clear he has no intention of taking the steps necessary toward securing the U.S. border against illegal immigration -- leaving that task instead to the states -- the Obama Administration announced its support for construction of a giant white picket fence to stretch the entire length of the Middle American border.

Illegal Aliens Protest Arizona Immigration Reform Law by Boycotting Home Depot Parking Lots

Associated article: Associated Press

Illegal Alien Sex Slave Traffickers Decry "Mean-Spirited" Arizona Immigration Reform Law

Phoenix, Arizona--Operators of widespread human sex slave and drug kidnapping operations involving illegal aliens smuggled across the border held a press conference in the kidnapping capital of the U.S. to decry "mean-spirited" Arizona immigration reforms that allow state police, upon legally stopping someone for legitimate reasons -- such as speeding -- to ask for proof of legal immigration status if "reasonable suspicion" exists that the person is unlawfully present in the country -- such as when the car is overloaded with hidden passengers and the driver was evading police in a known smuggling corridor.

"This draconian new Arizona law will require human sex slave operators and drug trade kidnappers statewide to fix every broken taillight on their vans and to strictly obey speed limits, upon penalty of having to show a driver's license or other proof of legal presence with kept papers, as has been federal law since the 1940's," said one angry serial criminal. "Who do they think we are to have to produce a driver's license? How dare they treat us like U.S. citizens who have to do the same thing to get on an airplane or to check into a hotel!"

Associated articles: Washington Examiner 1; Washington Examiner 2; National Review; Washington Examiner 3; New York Times

Monday, April 26, 2010

What Do YOU Think? (click image to enlarge)

Associated article: Times of London

Neanderthal Wins Lawsuit Against Gay Group

San Francisco, California--After federal courts began requiring Christian groups to allow gay members to join their organizations, a Neanderthal won a landmark legal ruling after he sued to join a gay pride organization.

A spokesman for the Neanderthal Rights Association hailed the decision, saying "If gays and lesbians can force themselves into religious organizations that are defined by their opposition to homosexual conduct, then we Neanderthals should be able to become members of a gay pride organization that disagrees with our lifestyle -- even if our lifestyle involves grunting loudly whenever we want, not bathing, and defecating wherever we please."

The president of the National Gay Pride League issued a press release condemning the decision, which stated "This Neanderthal doesn't believe in our sense of fashion, he disagrees with our objections to clubbing, and his propensity to eat raw meat while squatting is going to be very disruptive to our gay pride meetings."

Associated articles: Christian Legal Society; Seattle Times; George Will

Friday, April 23, 2010

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Obama Briefed on Plan to Prevent Iran from Obtaining Nuclear Weapons

Washington, D.C.--It took several large screens in President Obama's Situation Room to project the administration's plan to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear capability should diplomatic efforts fail.

"The plan presented a staggering array of options," said one of several administration officials who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "The options ranged from giant hearts to a bunch of connected triangles with some of them filled in."

According to another official, the plan seemed to be the product of "dozens of hours of less than productive meetings," but the official emphasized key points of the plan were clearly marked by "giant puffy letters and squiggly underlining."

Associated article: Washington Post

Monday, April 19, 2010

White House Announces Massive Government Spending Bill "Created or Saved" Millions of Well-Educated Middle Class Protesters

Washington, D.C.--The Obama Administration announced today that its massive government spending bill "created or saved" millions of well-educated middle class protesters.

"Our wasteful spending and the bogus accounting gimmicks we've used to fake the success of this massive taxpayer boondoggle has spurred the largest expansion of the middle class protest sector America has ever seen," said Obama. "But I'm still not satisfied. My economic advisers and I are pushing forward with even more government controls that weaken personal responsibility and put the squeeze on the private sector, which we fully expect will create millions more people who are really upset we're squandering their hard-earned savings."

Associated video: Tea Party Profile

Welcome to Obama Kappa Pi (click play on video below to watch)

Also available on YouTube

Thursday, April 15, 2010

White House to Increase Use of Money Hoses to Pacify Democratic Constituencies

Washington, D.C.--As the Obama Administration pursues increasingly radical policies that are alienating independent and Republican voters, it has turned to granting special favors to its base constituencies, including unions, to boost support for its legislative agenda.

But as controversy surrounding that agenda grows even more intense, so does the administration's need to shore up its base, and fast. As a result, the White House has begun using money hoses at more and more rallies to pacify potentially disgruntled Democratic constituencies.

"We needed to get the cash out the door quicker," said one administration official. "So we've begun shooting billions of dollars at supporters with money hoses mounted on trucks."

One defender of President Obama said he liked the new delivery system, but that "they could reduce the velocity just a tad. I've already gotten a few paper cuts from the dousings."

Associated article: Big Government

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

FBI Storms Capitol Building, Reveals 2008 Election Was Giant Sting Operation

Washington, D.C.--FBI agents swarmed through the halls of Congress yesterday, rounding up most House and Senate Members in handcuffs as it was revealed the 2008 federal elections were one massive sting operation.

"We'd like to thank the many, many voters who cooperated with us to help make this happen," said an FBI spokesman following the raid. "Thanks to their efforts, we were able to lure hundreds of people who were stealing from future generations to one spot where we could catch them all at once."

Several Members escaped through a secret tunnel connecting the Capitol to the Bureau of Printing and Engraving, but law enforcement officials said that facility was in lockdown. Congressmen inside threatened to set billions of taxpayer dollars on fire, but FBI officials said they would round up the remaining Members despite that risk because "those billions of dollars would have been destroyed by the next federal stimulus bill anyway."

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Congressman Says He Wishes He Read That One Part of the Health Care Bill That Denies Him Health Insurance

Washington, D.C.--At least one Member of Congress is saying he wishes he read "that one part of the health care bill that denies me and my staff health insurance until 2014."

According to a report by the Congressional Research Service, the ObamaCare law may well "remove members of Congress and congressional staff" from their current health care coverage before any alternatives are available.

"You know," said the Congressman, "I could have taken the time to spot this one drafting error. And I pledge to my constituents that I'll do better for myself next time."

Associated articles: New York Times; CATO Institute

U.S. to Join European Union

Washington, D.C.--Now that President Obama has signed into law a new $2 trillion middle-class entitlement that will vastly increase the national debt at a time the U.S. cannot afford to maintain its existing entitlement programs, the administration is expected to support a European-style "value-added tax," which adds a tax to every improvement made to a product during the course of its production and distribution process.

However, the administration sources say the president is expected to support an exemption from the tax for purchases of berets and cravats, and to request that baguettes become part of unemployment benefits.

Associated articles: Charles Krauthammer; Reuters; George Will; Politico; Der Spiegel

Friday, April 9, 2010

One-Fifth of Living Constitution to Retire at End of Supreme Court Term

Washington, D.C.--Today, one-fifth of the "Living Constitution" announced its retirement at the end of the Supreme Court's current term, as Justice John Paul Stevens said he would step down. Stevens, along with several other Justices, is a proponent of the of the notion that the meaning of the Constitution can change with the moods of each generation of Supreme Court Justices, as if the Constitution were a "living, breathing document."

"Although I take with me my portion of the Court's collective preferences," said one-fifth of the Living Constitution, "I fully expect that, in my place, President Obama will appoint another fitting vessel for the Supreme Borg who will help filter its understanding of what the Constitution should say. Resistance is futile."

Associated article: Associated Press

Rival Generational Gangs Converge in Ohio to Fight Over Remaining Tax Base

Cleveland, Ohio--The Generation Y gang, made up of people 29 and younger, took a brutal beating at the hands of rival generational gangs the Baby Boomers and Generation X in a demographic throw-down called by President Obama.

"Generation Y voted for me by a 2 to 1 margin," Obama told reporters from a safe vantage point, "and I gave them what they wanted: vast new entitlements. But the other generations had something to say about who'd pay for it all."

"I thought we were invicible," said one twenty-something, scanning the ground for his wallet and massaging his jaw. "But we were outnumbered, man. Just didn't see it coming."

Associated articles: Robert Samuelson; Robert Samuelson 1

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Justice Department, NASA, Reveal April Fools' Jokes

Washington, D.C.--Attorney General Eric Holder and a top NASA official announced on April Fool's Day that they had each "pulled one over on the American people" by greatly exaggerating the number of terrorists who have been prosecuted in civilian courts rather than military commissions, and by compiling unreliable temperature data sets used by advocates of the theory that humans cause global warming.

"Okay, okay," Attorney General Holder said to reporters between laughs, "I told you hundreds of convicted terrorists had been prosecuted through the civil courts to justify my decision to try hard-core 9/11 terrorist Khalid Shaikh Mohammed the same way. But it turns out the vast majority of those I claimed were prosecuted terrorists were actually not members of foreign terrorist organizations engaged in plotting attacks, but rather other people who gave false statements to investigators, and even one animal rights activist who released minks from a Wisconsin farm!"

Holder was followed by a NASA official who announced between giggles that NASA had admitted in internal emails from 2007 that its temperature data sets were even less accurate than the now-discredited data sets from the Climatic Research Unit at the University of East Anglia that were exposed as having been manipulated to fit a preconceived theory. He concluded the press conference, saying "April Fools, everyone!"

Associated articles: Washington Times; Fox News

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