Obama Declines to Reveal Plot of His Presidency at News Conference

Washington, D.C.--President Obama declined to answer most of the questions reporters asked him at his most recent press conference, saying "I owe it to my adoring fans not to reveal future plot details" about his presidency.

When asked how he might explain the dismal state of the economy following the biggest government spending spree in history, Obama said "I can't answer that because, you know, I can't reveal any spoilers."

When pressed, Obama said "This production is the result of many talented writers, and if you don't like the current plot twists, just wait until next year."

Administration officials said Obama has a "very loyal following" and that "it would be a disservice to the viewers to ruin any surprises."

Obama Resorts to Air Guitar

Washington, D.C.--Having run out of options to reenergize his presidency, President Obama used a televised address last night to play air guitar.

White House advisers told the president he needed to simplify his message to a few wild windmill maneuvers and a rockin' heavy metal stance, which they hoped could better further his agenda than alternative communications strategies.

"We decided it was best to let Obama be Obama," said a White House spokesperson. "And that's just what happened last night: the president struck a phony pose, engaged in some theatrics, and pumped his arms in celebration."

Obama Defends His Divinity Against Church and State Challenge

Washington, D.C.--President Obama defended his divinity before the Supreme Court yesterday, arguing personally that his holy status did not violate any constitutionally required separation between church and state.

"The First Amendment prohibits the government from establishing a religion," Obama told the Justices. "But I didn't establish my divinity as President. Rather, my divinity was created by free citizens who decided on their own to join my cult following."

Several of the conservative justices seemed to agree with Obama, with one pointing out that "The intercession of free choice by individuals would seem to negate any claim of government-imposed religion."

Obama divided his time for oral argument with the Solicitor General, who began his presentation in defense of Obama's constitutionality by saying "May it please the Court, and His Divine Holiness Obama, Whose Infinite Wisdom and Mercy Is the Beginning and the End of All That Is Just and Good."

Associated articles: Victor Davis Hanson; Wall Street Journal; Weekly Standard

Obama Assures Nation: "I Come in Peace"

Washington, D.C.--In a prime time television address that rivited the nation, President Barack Obama sought to assure tremulous Americans who generally consider him distant and detached that "I come in peace."

Obama delivered the address inside what White House officials called "The Oval Saucer," pausing frequently to extend his hand toward the camera in a reassuring manner. "You have nothing to fear," said Obama, his voice echoing with every syllable.

Many Americans expressed relief following the address, especially from Obama's assurances that "We will depart as soon as our egos are fed." But others remained concerned by Obama's remarks that "your civilization will be protected by layers of bureaucracy that will preserve your species for generations to come."

Still others were unnerved by Obama's use of the royal "we," but an administration spokesperson made clear that such a linguistic formulation "referred only to the collective consciousness of the larger White House," and that "in any case our data indicate your kind can safely withstand at least six more years of preparatory incubation."

Associated articles: London Telegraph; Investors Business Daily

In Compromise Offer to Republicans, Obama Agrees to Support Only 1,500-Page Bills That Control an Additional 7% of Economy

Washington, D.C.--In what White House officials called "an unprecedented gesture of good will and in a spirit of compromise," President Obama said at a bipartisan meeting on Capitol Hill today that he would limit his support to bills that are 1,500 pages long and control only an additional 7% of the U.S. economy.

"Some are complaining because legislation I signed into law ran into the many thousands of pages and controlled an additional tenth of the national's privately-held resources," said Obama. "I'm willing to look beyond the past, and push forward with policies that grow the government by one-seventh at a time."

Associated article: Fox News

Obama to Embark on National Listening Tour; President Plans to Plug Ears and Hum National Anthem in All 50 States

Washington, D.C.--Following the last election's massive turnout of voters intent on electing representatives who will help restore traditional Americans values and oppose central parts of President Obama's agenda, the White House announced today that Obama plans a national listening tour in which he will visit all 50 states while plugging his ears and humming the national anthem.

"The president will demonstrate his deep patriotism by traveling cross-sections of the country, standing in large audiences, and then filling his head with the sonorous sounds of the Star-Spangled Banner," said a White House spokesperson. "And in the event people in the crowds prove at all distracting, the president stands ready to order the firing of cannons during the anthem's crescendo."

Work Begins on "Mount Rush More" to Honor American Political Leaders Who Rammed Through Massive Legislation

Obama Tours Destruction of Own Party Left in Wake of Radical Administration

Washington, D.C.--President Obama toured the devastation on Capitol Hill today as his party suffered huge losses following enactment of his policies favoring massive federal public sector spending, government takeovers of health care, housing, and student loans, and his endless demonization of business owners.

Touring the now somber halls of Congress, Obama was escorted by members of the National Guard as he strode between the now-empty seats on the Democratic side of the aisle.

"What happened here was a personal tragedy," said Obama. "I've summoned the full resources of the federal government to double-down yet again on my federal-spending response to the mindless tides of voter insubordination I blame for sweeping so many of my minions from office."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Hotline

Congressman Found to Have Directed Thousands of Patronizing Comments to Constituents

Washington, D.C.--Multiple media sources confirmed that Congressman Jim Rothswig of New Jersey has, over several years, directed thousands of patronizing comments to his own constituents.

Rep. Rothswig denied the allegations, saying "Those simple-minded, gun-toting, Bible-hugging religious rubes in my district will believe anything they hear on Rush Limbaugh."

Government Psychologists Added to Obama’s Secret Service Detail

Washington, D.C.--After giving speeches in which he claimed the large majority of the American electorate isn't able to "think clearly" because it's motivated by irrational "fear" -- saying Americans are "hardwired not to think clearly when we're scared" -- President Obama authorized the creation of a new unit of government psychologists inside the Secret Service.

"We're here to facilitate the president's projection of his inadequacies onto the population at large," said the chief of the new Presidential Projection Program. "We scan crowds for signs of dissatisfaction, and then act immediately to find a psychological disorder to explain that dissatisfaction away."

Associated articles: Charles Krauthammer; Politico

Politicians Caught Cheating on Voters

Washington, D.C.--In a special series of "all Congress" episodes of the television show "Cheaters," hundreds of federal lawmakers were caught on tape cheating on their constituents.

"I should have known something was going on when my representative didn't show up for a town hall meeting," said one voter.

"I should have noticed he was spending taxpayer money on extraneous things like car companies," said another. "And that he wasn't spending as much time at work reading the bills he was voting on."

When one cheating Member was confronted, and asked why he did it, he said "Hey, when my constituents looked the other way for so long, I got a feeling of entitlement."

Another caught Senator said "My constituents were overly critical, and I didn't want to be associated with them any more."

White House 10 Most Wanted List

Associated article: New York Times; FactCheck

Obama Tells Supporters to "Buck Up"

Associated article: Slate

Obama Runs Afoul of Anti-Stalking Laws

Richmond, Virginia--President's Obama frantic "backyard tour" to sell his radical agenda in Albuquerque, Des Moines, and Richmond have run afoul of local anti-stalking laws, which threaten to limit the omnipresence of the president in domestic spaces nationwide.

"We received a large volume of calls," said a local police spokesperson following Obama's latest backyard event. "They said this guy seemed to be following them everywhere, on television, on the internet, and now on their back patios."

According to local police, "Most complaints came from people who said they voted for the guy once, but it didn't work out, and now they just want to be left alone."

"It's always the professorial, straight-laced guys that turn creepy," said one officer.

Associated articles: Washington Post; Fox; New York Times

After Inviting Comedian Stephen Colbert to Testify on Immigration Policy, Democrats Announce New Hearing Schedule

Associated article: Daily Caller

New Items for Sale at Democrats' Online Store

Obama Revamps Campaign Slogan Amidst Sagging Hopes

President Obama Sports New Look to Regain Popular Appeal

Associated articles: Politico; Daily Beast

Supreme Court Justices Call Police on Raucous White House Party: "We're Trying to Get Some Work Done Over Here!"

Washington, D.C.--Police narrowly averted a constitutional crisis last night by shutting down the latest of many parties at the White House after U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia called and complained "We can't get any work done with all that racket!"

Scalia and other justices said that after a Super Bowl shindig, several lawn parties, music concerts, and conga lines, "enough was enough."

"They have the gall to commit all manner of constitutional violations," said Justice Alito, "and then on top of that they carry on with raucous celebrations well into the night so we can barely hear ourselves think, let alone write opinions describing all their constitutional infractions."

Administration officials poo-poohed the Justices as "cranky old men," saying "They wouldn't have such a sour attitude if they believed in living a little -- and in a living Constitution that changes with political trends."

Associated article: New York Post

Left-wing Nobel Prize-Winning Economist Loses to Yellow No. 2 on "Who Has More Collected Knowledge Than a Pencil?"

Hollywood, California--Nobel Prize-winning economist and New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, a prominent defender of government control of the economy, lost to a Yellow No. 2 on the television show "Who Has More Collected Knowledge Than a Pencil?"

Krugman -- a harsh critic of free enterprise -- spouted a wealth of aggregate statistics, but was ultimately outmatched by the vast collection of knowledge and skills that go into the common pencil such as the one next to him, the result of the remarkably complex and free interaction of literally thousands of people around the world -- from the Oregon tree growers to the Connecticut saw makers, to the Midwestern ore miners, the graphite producers from Ceylon, and the Mexican parrafin plant, to name just a few.

As host Jeff Foxworthy walked the contestants through the questioning, it became clear that not only did Krugman not have the smallest fraction of the knowledge necessary to produce his ordinary pencil opponent, but that no one did.

"It wasn't fair," Krugman complained after the show. "The pencil represents a vast collection of information that could never result from the orders of government bureaucrats working with economics experts like me. That blasted pencil's the product of a staggeringly sophisticated but spontaneous free enterprise network guided by millions of individual interactions based on voluntary and mutually beneficial exchanges. And the government needs to put an end to that unfairness!"

Associated video: Milton Friedman; associated articles: Economic Liberty; Wall Street Journal; National Review