Monday, November 30, 2009

Scientists at Climatic Research Unit Say “Unequivocal Evidence” Confirms Earth is Threatened by Giant Homework-Eating Dogs

East Anglia, United Kingdom--Scientists at East Anglia's Climatic Research Unit who destroyed much of the raw temperature data they claimed proved their global warming predictions have now said that "unequivocal evidence" indicates the earth is threatened by giant homework-eating dogs.

Responding to accusations that temperature data was lost in order to prevent scientists around the world from verifying the accuracy of their global warming claims, Climatic Research Unit officials said they had "clear proof" that "huge, menacing dogs" ate the data and threatened to consume academic assignments around the world for decades to come.

When asked to produce the data on which their new theory was based, the global warming scientists said "everyone knows dogs eat homework."

Associated articles: London Times; Toronto Sun; Charles Murray

Friday, November 27, 2009

Couple with Private Sector Experience Breaches White House Security

Washington, D.C.--Over 90 percent of President Obama's White House cabinet consists of people whose only prior experience was in the government sector, making his administration perhaps the least familiar with private enterprise in U.S. history.

Consequently, when a White House State Dinner was crashed for the first time ever by two people who breezed through security and schmoozed amongst President Obama and Vice President Biden, that remarkable security breach was overshadowed by the more shocking revelation that the uninvited guests were aspiring reality television show stars who had private sector experience.

"This administration prides itself on its total isulation from free enterprise," said one official. "That people with business experience managed to even get close to the President is just not supposed to happen."

Associated articles: American Enterprise Institute; New York Times

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Police Round Up Notorious Gang "The Hockey Stick CRU" in International Sting Operation

Police worldwide moved in on the notorious gang called "The Hockey Stick CRU" late yesterday, part of an international sting operation that advertised government funding in return for politically-favored research results.

Police said CRU members -- scientists associated with the Climatic Research Unit who sport distinctive flaming hockey stick tattoos symbolizing a fanatical devotion to the notion of human-caused global warming -- flocked to a "call for papers" from a United Nations front group.

"These guys are wanted for manipulating science, hijacking the peer review process to enforce global warming dogma, and cheering the deaths of skeptical colleagues," said one officer involved in the sting.

The gang had used fraud to corner the market on the world's largest temperature data set until an informant exposed their operations.

When police made their appearance known and made requests under the Freedom of Information Act, many CRU members tried to swallow evidence that contradicted their preferred theories.

One suspect even tried "stuffing documents up his rear," only to end up with "some nasty paper cuts, stained pants, and a tarnished reputation."

Associated article: RealClearPolitics; Washington Times; Watts Up With That; London Times

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Obama Grants Himself First-Ever "Jive Turkey" Thanksgiving Pardon

Washington, D.C.--After ten months in office, President Obama continued the White House tradition of "pardoning" a turkey before Thanksgiving, but with a twist. This year, Obama pardoned himself in the first-ever "jive turkey" Thanksgiving pardon ceremony.

"If anyone needs a pardon," he said, "it's me."

After reading the definition of "jive turkey" -- which the Urban Dictionary describes as "a master of B.S." -- the President reviewed some of the major domestic and foreign policy statements he made during his first ten months in office.

"My administration said that if the $787 billion spending bill didn't pass, unemployment would reach 8 percent. Well, that giant spending bill passed, and unemployment's now over 10 percent. I also said my health care bill would save money. But it actually spends more money."

"I said the war in Afghanistan was a necessary one," he continued, "but I didn't meet with the general in charge of that war for eight months, and I've only just now made a decision on troop support there."

Obama concluded his remarks, saying "The reason for this pardon is clear: whenever I say something's clear, you know I'm jiving. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone."

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Crime! Declared on al-Qaeda and Other 9/11 Terrorists

Anticipating Effects of Cap-and-Tax Energy Bill, Employers Institute Carbon Footprint Hiring Discrimination

Anticipating the negative economic effects of federal legislation imposing huge taxes and strict limits on energy use, employers nationwide are adopting hiring policies that discriminate against those with carbon footprints.

"When the government raises some of our costs of doing business," said one employer, "we have to cut our costs in other areas. So potential employees with energy-draining carbon footprints are increasingly being shown the door."

One rejected job applicant said "I was told that if they hired me, they'd have to unplug an entire section of their production center."

Employment counselors are suggesting job applicants consider approaching potential employers in ways they may find more acceptable in the current regulatory environment. Those suggestions include presenting oneself at a job interview "as a plant, or some other, non-human life form."

Associated article: Washington Times

Monday, November 16, 2009

Al-Qaeda Reporters Provide Detailed Coverage of National Security Information Revealed in Open Court Criminal Prosecutions of 9/11 Terrorists

New York, New York--Haters of America around the world are hailing the al-Qaeda press corps' "comprehensive" coverage of the open criminal trials of the 9/11 terrorists being held in New York City.

Terrorist journalists are being praised for doing a particularly good job publicizing sensitive national security information revealed in court -- information that will help tip off other terrorists and thwart their capture.

"Our sophisticated terrorist audience demands detailed reporting on anything that could help them avoid detection," said one reporter for the Afghanistan Terror Times. "Lists of unindicted co-conspirators and the disclosure of which terrorists the government already knows about, along with details regarding the operation of anti-terrorism programs, is just some of the material information our readership craves."

"The terrorist press corps is giving the New York Times some real competition in this market," said one envious journalist.

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Friday, November 13, 2009

Law Enforcement Officials Replace "Good Cop, Bad Cop" Routine with "Good Cop, Super-Sensitive Hippie" Routine

Facing pressures to be more "politically correct" in its anti-terrorism investigations, law enforcement officials nationwide are increasingly abandoning the "good cop, bad cop" method of interrogation in favor of a "good cop, super-sensitive hippie" routine.

"The new interrogation style is more attuned to empathizing with a terrorists' deep-seated angst," said one interrogator. "If a terrorist finds himself between one cop -- the good cop -- who offers him sympathy, and another person -- the super-sensitive hippie -- who offers him abject adoring kindness, we hope hardened religiously-motivated mass murders will come to 'smell the coffee' -- or at least the warm, comforting hot chocolate we offer them by the gallon."

Associated article: Krauthammer

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Authorities Defend New "Paint By Numbers" Approach to Terrorism Investigations As "So Much More Fun" Than the Old "Connect the Dots" Method

Washington, D.C.--Responding to criticism that sensitivities to "political correctness" failed to prevent the mass murders committed by Nidal Hasan at the Fort Hood army post, FBI and military officials defended the new "paint by numbers" approach to terrorism investigations as "just so much more fun" than the old "connect the dots" method.

Administration officials said that under paint by numbers, "You start out with assumptions about how the world should be, which makes painting a utopian vision so much easier. Whereas under the connect the dots approach, you first have to discover the dots wherever they might appear, which tends to make for a much uglier picture."

"The connect the dots approach is mind-numbing," bemoaned another law enforcement official. "Paint by numbers is so much more colorful!"

Associated articles: Washington Times; Weekly Standard; Senate Report

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Government Celebrates Takeover of Stimulus Bill

As most jobs affected by the massive $787 billion federal spending bill passed by Congress earlier this year went to public sector jobs, and not the private sector, government factions celebrated the successful takeover of the "stimulus" legislation.

"The government demanded change," said Vice President Biden before a cheering crowd of coup supporters, "and we've delivered the government hundreds and hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars!"

Biden introduced White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, who repeated his infamous public comments that "You never want a serious crisis to go to waste," meaning that government should exploit trying times to expand the federal regulatory apparatus. "And we have not wasted this chance to waste hundreds of billions of dollars on huge bureaucracies."

Associated articles: The Corner; Big Government; associated video: ReasonTV

Democrats Fend Off Legal Reform Amendment, Implore Colleagues to Consider "The Face of Trial Lawyer Victims"

Washington, D.C.--Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives defeated a tort reform amendment to their health care bill, arguing with special passion that limits on legal fees would victimize trial lawyers.

Democratic House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD), imploring his colleagues to consider "the face of legal reform victims," held up two photos of personal injury attorneys. One, protected by the current legal regime, stood proudly in a tailored suit in front of his BMW. The other, the purported victim of legal reform whom Hoyer described as "stripped of his dignity at exclusive cocktail parties," stood forelornly in an off-the-rack suit in front of a more modest mid-range Ford model.

"Our precious trial lawyers are a uniquely Democratic institution, and their way of high-life deserves protection," said Hoyer. "Lawyers are members of the only profession that, for a mere $30 filing fee, can force anyone they sue, for any reason, to spend thousands fo dollars to defend themselves against even frivolous claims, and trial lawyers use that leverage to extort large legal settlements, including massive fees, which they contribute virtually exclusively to Democrats."

Members of Congress on the majority side of the aisle stood up and cheered, many of them with tears in their eyes, as the legal reform amendment was defeated on a party-line vote.

"Trial lawyers may be parasites," said one Democrat. "But even the lowliest amongst us must be protected, as they serve an essential political role in the U.S. legal environment."

Associated article: legal reform amendment; trial lawyer charts

Monday, November 9, 2009

Recognizing 20th Anniversary of Fall of Berlin Wall, U.S. Democrats Welcome Former Communist Central Planners

U.S. Democratic leaders marked the twentieth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall -- which had separated a free West Berlin from an East Berlin subject to communist control --by welcoming former East German central government planners into the ranks of American policymakers.

"For too long, the Berlin Wall trapped industrious social and economic engineers inside Soviet-controlled territory," said U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Today, we are so grateful that those planners and their principles are free to help shape our domestic American agenda."

National Security Officials Undergo Terrorism Sensitivity Training

Before a U.S. Army major yelled "Allahu Akhbar!" prior to shooting and killing 13 soldiers and injuring dozens of others, he reportedly attended a radical mosque at the same time as two of the September 11 terrorists, gave a classroom presentation that justified suicide bombings, wrote posts on the internet glorifying them, told colleagues non-believers in Islam should be beheaded, and tried to make contact with people associated with al Qaeda.

Yet no one filed a formal written complaint regarding his behavior because it was feared doing so would appear discriminatory against a Muslim.

Officials are attributing the response to a terrorist sensitivity training program entitled "Helping Violent, Religiously-Motivated Killers Feel Comfortable with Their Differences," which encourages law enforcement and the nation's military to "check their survival instincts at the door" in favor of "global consciousness."

The associated instructional materials for the program advise:

If you are injured by a terrorist, ask yourself "What did I do to deserve this?"

If you evade injury by a terrorist, ask yourself "What could I have done differently to help him fulfill his own personal mission?"

If you perceive tell-tale signs of potential terrorist activity, ask yourself "Is my perception biased toward my own selfish desire for self-preservation?"

One national security official who took part in the program said he walked away with "a much greater understanding of how the threat of a discrimination claim should be of far more concern than a potential suicidal terrorist bent on killing and maiming as many innocent Americans as possible."

Associated articles: Associated Press 1; Associated Press 2; UK Telegraph 1; UK Telegraph 2; ABC News; TIME Magazine

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Al Gore Charged with "Leveraging Alarmism" in Giant Global Warming Ponzi Scheme

New York, New York--Al Gore has invested millions of dollars in business ventures -- such as carbon trading and waterless urinal firms -- that stand to make huge profits if Congress enacts the policy mandates he advocates.

Now, Mr. Gore has come under scrutiny for "leveraging alarmism" in what federal officials call a "giant global warming Ponzi scheme."

Investigators said that while the empirical evidence of human-caused global warming has proven lacking over time, Mr. Gore "fomented exaggerations and distortions" of the science to create an "ever-widening pool of suckers" that would support increasingly draconian federal policies. Those policies would help Mr. Gore's business ventures at the expense of the nation's small businesses, which would become less competitive and suffer financially in the face of increased energy costs.

Mr. Gore defended his actions, saying "While I may have helped dig the American economy into a deeper and deeper hole, at least that hole is green-friendly."

Associated articles: Washington Times; Australian News;;; Times of London; Telegraph

Spot the Photo Differences (6): Obamacare Version

Click here for answers: Answers

Monday, November 2, 2009

Workers with Jobs the White House Claims it Created Say They're Underpaid; Compare Their Meager Salaries to Huge Costs to Taxpayers

The Obama Administration claims its $787 billion federal spending bill has "created or saved" 650,000 jobs so far, with $150 billion in grants and loans having already been spent.

Although economists say it's impossible to determine which if any jobs were "saved" by the spending, even taking the administration's questionable figures at face value, the numbers mean the cost to taxpayers of each job created or saved was in the $160,00 to $230,000 range. Consequently, workers affected by the federal spending picketed nationwide, comparing their relatively meager salries to the huge cost to taxpayers.

"My 'saved' job cost $230,000," said one pickerter. "But my job only pays $60,000. Where's my $170,000 raise?"

Administration officials defended the program, but conceded that taxpayer money could probably have been distributed more efficiently "if we just dumped the money on people from helicopters."

Associated articles:; Hot Air

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