Monday, August 31, 2009

Justice Department Releases Woodcut Depicting CIA Investigation Procedures

Washington, D.C.--While making clear that "this is not a witch hunt," Attorney General Eric Holder announced dunking would be used as part of the trial by ordeal he authorized into the CIA's use of enhanced interrogation techniques on terrorists who then provided life-saving information used to stop future attacks.

The Justice Department released to the press a woodcut depicting the process.

Holder ordered the investigation even after professional, non-partisan prosecutors had already conducted an inquiry into the alleged misconduct and determined prosecution was not warranted due to insufficient evidence.

"9/11 terrorist mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed had to be waterboarded many times before he finally cracked and divulged crucial information that was used to cripple al-Qaeda," said Holder. "However, we expect to have to dunk CIA employees just a few times to obtain their confessions."

The decision was made to allow dunking because, as one Justice Department official put it, "The alternative would have required CIA employees to hire expensive lawyers and endure years of legal wrangling, and that would have amounted to an even crueler water torture."

Associated articles:;; Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal 1

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Obama Announces Creation of Royal Arts Patronage Program

For the first time in its 40-year history, the federal National Endowment for the Arts convened a conference call to launch a government project encouraging artists to promote the Obama Administration's policies on health care and energy issues.

Throughout the conversation, artists were reminded of their ability to “shape the lives” of others. They did not need to be reminded that the NEA is the country's largest annual funder of the arts.

Following the call, the White House unveiled a series of government-funded paintings designed to "show how awesome their government benefactor is."

Obama formally announced the new program at the unveiling ceremony, stating "We've drawn many of our most hallowed traditions from England, including our common law legal system and, most recently, socialized medicine. Today we institute in America the old English system of royal patronage for the arts in which creative people are funded by the government to promote the grandeur of its blessed monarchs."

Hip up-and-coming artists embraced the opportunity. "Thanks to this government program," said one, "sucking up is cool again."

Associated articles:;

Monday, August 24, 2009

Religious Leaders Convene Emergency Gathering to Reconcile Contradictory Passages in Obama’s Sermons

Chicago, Illinois.--Religious leaders from around the country gathered to discuss newly-discovered passages in sermons given by President Obama in various town hall meetings to proselytize on behalf of his proposed health care overhaul. The sermons have been found to contain internal contradictions, creating a “crisis of faith” among Obama’s followers which the gathering sought to address.

In Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Obama told followers we can’t “keep the system the way it is right now.” But in Grand Junction, Colorado, he told followers that, under his proposal, “If you like your health care plan, you keep your helth care plan.” But then in Belgrade, Montana, Obama told followers they could only keep their insurance plans if the plans met new, extensive requirements and regulations. Obama also told followers in Colorado that “Medicare is a government program that works really well.” But then he told followers in New Hampshire that Medicare is “unsustainable” and “running out of money.”

The Rev. Jeremiah Wright – Obama’s minister who infamously preached “God damn America” -- convened the meeting of religious leaders and said “Satanic and American armies are at work here, conspiring to cast doubt on the One.”

He insisted that Obama’s apparently contradictory statements were the result not of fundamental internal inconsistencies, but of the demonic “wee wee” forces Obama prophetically alluded to days earlier when he cryptically blamed the unpopularity of his health care proposals on too many people in Washington getting “all wee wee'd up.”

Associated article:; associated videos:;;;

Democrats' Health Care Plan Fails to Account for Costs of Injuries Caused by Navigating Flow Chart Describing Program

Washington, D.C.--Democrats in Congress have introduced a nearly 1,000-page bill to comprehensively regulate health care in the U.S. The nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office has determined that just part of the legislation would cost over $1 trillion.

But critics say that figure fails to account for the large number of injuries that will result from people trying to follow a complex flow chart describing the operation of the program.

One doctor told reporters, “Eye strain, sticker shock, and self-inflicted trauma to the head are only some of the injuries that will be suffered by those simply trying to figure out how the government program works.”

Revised chart to reflect enacted law: ObamaCare Chart

Friday, August 21, 2009

Obama Announces New Debt Reduction Program; President Will Extend His Vacation on Martha’s Vineyard

With record federal budget deficits combined with projections of the lowest federal tax receipts since the Great Depression, the White House is looking for ways to reduce the federal debt.

Yesterday, Treasury Secretary Geithner outlined the administration’s latest debt reduction program: a proposal to extend the President’s vacation in Martha’s Vineyard.

The White House press secretary told reporters, “The island’s almost 80 square miles, so we’re confident that by adding a few hikes and extra rounds of golf we can keep the President away from Washington, D.C. another three or four days."

Associated article:

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Federal Trade Commission Launches Investigation Into Accuracy of "Economic Enhancement" Claims

Washington, D.C.--A federal agency charged with enforcing consumer protection laws announced an investigation into the accuracy of Obama Administration claims that a massive federal spending bill passed earlier this year provides "economic enhancement."

"We're concerned that some of the public statements made about the stimulus bill go beyond mere puffery," said the head of the Federal Trade Commission. "Unemployment inched much higher than administration officials said it would after the stimulus bill was enacted, and the pace of federal spending has sagged even as the economy appears to be on the verge of recovering without much help from the $787 billion federal spending package."

FTC officials said the administration's "Take it from Obama!" ad campaign -- featuring a guy who's "way, way too happy" about random and inefficient spending decisions -- aroused enough suspicion to warrant "running it up the flagpole."

"We're endowed with the authority to look into the accuracy of these stimulation claims," said officials. "And we're going to determine whether any stiff penalties are in order."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Innocent Bystanders; National Review; Washington Times; CNN Money; Big Government; chart;;;;;;; associated video:

Monday, August 17, 2009

Obama Transfers Terrorists Out of "Legal Black Hole" at Guantanamo Bay; Replaces Them with American Health Care Patients

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba--Democrats' health care legislation in the Senate and House of Representatives includes several provisions that deny patients the ability to challenge access and treatment decisions in federal court. As a result, space is being cleared at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility -- which critics called a "legal black hole" -- to accommodate American health care patients.

Under the Bush Administration, the U.S. already granted terrorists more rights than any other country had granted enemy combatants in the history of the world. Now, many of those same terrorists are being transferred to the U.S. where they will be given even more constitutional rights and full access to U.S. courts. According to one Guantanamo Bay official, "That'll free up space down here for U.S. health care patients who'll be denied all access to judicial review."

Guards at the Guantanamo Bay facility said that while the terrorist detainees committed hundreds of physical assaults on guards each year, they expected the new American patient population to "just sit around and look depressed." Standing on a nearby watch tower, another guard said "We have orders to shoot anyone who makes a break for a courthouse."

Administration lawyers assured reporters that while it doesn't pass the straight-face test to insist terrorists get full access to U.S. courts while denying the same access to American citizen health care patients, "blatant hypocrisy isn't a violation of international law."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; (hat tip);

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Members of Congress Who Skipped August Town Hall Meetings Found in Tijuana Bar

Tijuana, Mexico--Many were concerned when an unusually large number of Members of Congress failed to meet with their constituents at town hall meetings this summer to hear their concerns regarding controversial proposals to change the health care system, raise energy costs, and spend trillions of dollars on spending projects.

Those concerns were assuaged when many of those missing House and Senate Members were spotted at a popular Tijuana bar.

Spokespeople for the various congressional offices expressed relief, saying “At least we know they’re safe from their constituents.”

The Tijuana bar manager was also pleased with the turnout. “The Congress people told us universal health care in the U.S. would cover illegal aliens,” he said. “So we gave them free shots.”

Patrons cheered contestants who danced on the bar as part of a special “amateur night” for U.S. legislators.

Meanwhile, on the sidewalk outside the bar, employees of the community activist group ACORN were seen snapping cards in their hands to get the attention of passers-by so they could give them voter registration forms.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Obama Justice Department Joins with New Black Panther Party to Announce Election Integrity Campaign

Philadelphia, PA--Political officials at President Obama's Justice Department approved reducing sanctions and dropping charges against members of the New Black Panther Party who hurled racial threats at potential voters at a polling station on election day, even after they were caught on videotape threatening voters with a nightstick and the government had already won a default judgment against them.

Today, Attorney General Eric Holder joined members of the New Black Panther Party to announce a partnership with the organization to promote a new election integrity campaign.

Administration officials said the communications campaign will be modeled on previously used slogans, but with slight modifications to give them more "punch."

So, for example, "Vote or Die!" is now simply "Die!" and "Rock the Vote" has become "Knock the Vote."

When he first took over as the nation's top law enforcement officer, Holder gave a speech in which he said America was "a nation of cowards" when it comes to discussing race. Holder said he considers this partnership with the New Black Panther Party to mark progress in that regard. "If Americans can't handle a nightstick and some racial insults," said Holder, "what hope do we have to advance a hard-hitting racial dialogue?"

The Panthers’ duties will include monitoring elections to help spot "patterns of irregularities," including votes for white and Latino candidates.

Holder added, "I'm confident the New Black Panther Party will pursue this campaign with the same drive and energy it brings to its programs promoting racial superiority."

Associated articles: Washington Post; Fox;;; Washington Times 1; Weekly Standard 1

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Obama “Goes Postal” on Health Care Plan; Appoints “Strong-Willed” Former Mail Worker to Head Health Services Panel

Washington, D.C.--During a recent health care forum, President Obama defended his plan for a government-run health care option by comparing it to the U.S. Postal Service, which co-exists with FedEx and UPS. And today, Obama assured voters they had nothing to fear from a giant new medical bureaucracy by appointing as its head a former mail worker with a reputation for “strong-willed determination.”

“Bernie Lang is a twenty-year veteran of the U.S. Post Office and a ten-year veteran of the U.S. prison system,” said Obama of his new appointee. “As such, Bernie’s intimately familiar with the problems associated with large government-run organizations, and he knows how to cut through red tape. Even if it means going postal.”

In his own remarks, Mr. Lang noted that ”a government-run organization can be a frustrating place to work.” But he added that during his time in the U.S. Postal Service “when push came to shove, I had my Mauser BK-27 autocannon. I hope to bring that same leadership style to the federal health commission. It’s often the only way to get attention in a huge federal agency.”

Administration officials acknowledged the postal service has a monopoly on the delivery of first-class mail as well as the benefit of massive taxpayer subsidies, but still customers face long lines and the service can’t turn a profit, even while people are sending fewer messages through the mail. Even so, they said, “Our mail delivery system can serve as a model for health care, as long as we have someone like Mr. Lang at the helm who knows how to channel the rage generated by vast unresponsive agencies.”

Associated article and video:

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Speaker Pelosi Vows to Stop Spread of "Nazi Zombie Menace" Before It Infects More Town Hall Meetings

Washington, D.C.--When asked by a reporter whether protests at various town hall meetings represented legitimate grassroots opposition or were manufactured “AstroTurf” events, she replied, “I think they’re AstroTurf ... They’re carrying swastikas and symbols like that to a town meeting on health care.” She made those comments even though those symbols were used only a handful of times nationwide, and they were used to express disgust for, not support of, what were perceived to be fascist policies.

Today, Speaker Pelosi called on the President to declare a national emergency and focus federal resources toward stopping what she called "the Nazi zombie menace" before it "infects more town hall meetings."

"Look," said Pelosi, "whether these people are sincere in their undead brain-eating Hitler-following habits or not, they have to be neutralized."

Pelosi told reporters the zombies could only be stopped by destroying their brains. "That's the source of all the thinking stuff," she said. "If the thinking's not stopped, it could infect other people around them."

Pelosi's call for a state of emergency follows reports that the White House may have run afoul of federal privacy and records laws by compiling information on people whose exercise of their First Amendment rights indicate resistance to Democratic health care proposals.

Pelosi called for amending such statutes to provide for a "Nazi zombie" exception, which she said would only apply to "something over half the population."

Associated articles:;;;;;

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

White House Requests People Email It "Fishy" Health Care Claims; Servers Crash Under Onslaught of Video Clips Featuring President, Members of Congress

Washington, D.C.--President Obama has insisted that his health care plan won't lead to a "single-payer" system in which the government dictates health care options and eliminates health insurance coverage provided by private employers.

Fearing the spread of misinformation to the contrary, the White House posted an August 4, 2009, entry on its official blog stating "If you get an email or see something on the web about health insurance reform that seems fishy, send it to"

The enormous public response to that request has already crashed White House email servers.

Some found a 2003 video of someone saying, "I happen to be a proponent of single-payer, universal health care plans."

Others saw a 2007 video featuring the same man saying "I don't think we're going to be able to eliminate employer coverage immediately. There's going to be potentially some transition process. I can envision a decade out, or 15 years out, or 20 years out."

Tens of thousands of such video clips have been emailed to the White House in response to its request.

"The funny thing is," said one man who responded to the White House request, "the guy saying those things looks exactly like President Obama."

Still others have emailed the White House video clips of another man who bears a striking resemblance to Barney Frank, the Democratic Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee. The video shows the man saying "I think if we get a good public option it could lead to single-payer, and that's the best way to reach single-payer."

Another video clip that has been forwarded to the White House features a woman stating it "was right" to say that a public health insurance option "wouldn't let private insurance compete" and that "a public option will put the private insurance industry out of business and lead to single-payer."

While the woman in question appeared to be Democratic Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky, the White House said it had no comment on that video or any of the others.

Associated articles:;;;; associated video:;

Former Community Organizer Condemns Community Organizing

Washington, D.C.--Following a series of Congressional town hall meetings in which constituents spontaneously, but boisterously, presented their views on Democratic initiatives, President Obama addressed the nation to warn it of the dangers of community organizing.

“I used to be a community organizer," said Obama. "I was even hailed as a fellow organizer by a leader of the group ACORN, a community activism organization that has been the subject of over a dozen criminal investigations nationwide and calls for a Congressional investigation by the Democratic Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee John Conyers. So I think I can speak to the dangers of that sort of activity with some authority.”

Obama said he has seen for himself the sorts of "ugliness and division" that can result from community organizing. “Just look at my own election,” he added.

Obama admitted that he told his supporters during the presidential campaign to find independents and Republicans and “argue with them and get in their face.” But now that he’s been elected, Obama said “I want to tell all Americans the same thing I told bloggers on a conference call last month: the time for talk is through.”

Associated articles:;;;;;;

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Obama May Supplement Wind and Solar Power with Nuclear Energy From Iran and North Korea

Washington, D.C.--With environmental groups opposing the expansion of cheap and efficient nuclear power plants, President Obama may include nuclear energy from Iran and North Korea in his U.S. energy program.

Because it is increasingly likely Iran will achieve a nuclear capability, and North Korea will develop missile technology capable of delivering nuclear material long-range, Administration sources said “we could see the results of that technology right here at home.”

Such nuclear technology would supplement current efforts to provide more wind and solar power, perhaps in heavily populated urban centers.

“By letting Iran’s and North Korea’s aggression go largely unchecked,” said one Administration official, “those countries may be more likely to share some of their nuclear energy with us.”

Associated articles: Charles Krauthammer;;;

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Surreal Film of Beer Summit Captures Footage of Bigfoot, UFO, But No Teaching Moment

The White House released surreal footage of an awkward “beer summit” photo-op in which President Obama and Vice President Biden had a beer with a Harvard professor and a Cambridge, Massachusetts, police officer. The event was an attempt to somehow provide what Obama called “a teaching moment” after he made a clumsy comment about the police officer’s acting “stupidly” when Obama admitted he didn’t know the facts surrounding the officer’s conduct.

The event’s fake feel was reinforced by the appearance of bigfoot and a U.F.O. as shown in the video below.

Mary Frances Berry, a former chairwoman of the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights, said “The President has been forced to apologize and drink beer in an almost comical photo-op.” Another commenter added “From the looks of the released footage, Leonard Nemoy should have provided the narration.”

Associated article:

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