Monday, May 31, 2010

Medical Marijuana Seen as Key to Success of ObamaCare

Washington, D.C.--With health care costs expected to rise under President Obama's and Congressional Democrats' government-run health care law, the Administration is hoping state-level "medical marijuana" initiatives will make the deeply unpopular program more tolerable."

When people are stoned out of their minds, the national debt will seem less scary, and more like a giant glowing purple caterpillar, covered in silver hairs, with an infinite number of legs that curl end over end, infinitely," said Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius.

"Americans need to act boldly in confronting what would otherwise be the terrifying health care costs imposed by my health care plan," said Obama. "That's why I want not only a chicken in every pot, but also pot in every chicken."

Associated article: Washington Times

Friday, May 28, 2010

White House Seeks Crises with More Intellectual Depth

Washington, D.C.--Saying the President finds gushing oil leaks and religiously-motivated terrorists "mind-numbingly dull," Obama's White House advisers are seeking out crises "with more intellectual depth" to capture the President's imagination.

"The President is so cerebral," said one official, "that what he really needs is, say, a super-villain like Brainiac to challenge him to a chess game for world peace. That would really get the President engaged. A guy trying to blow up a car stuffed with propane tanks in Times Square? Not so much."

Obama's advisers said that while the President did watch some footage of the largest oil spill disaster in U.S. history, he remarked "Wow, a bunch of crap coming out of the ground," with more than a little sarcasm. "Then he changed the channel to PBS and watched a show on the life cycle of cuttlefish."

Associated articles: National Review; McCaltchy

Members of Congress Enticed to Read Bills with New Illustrated Legislation

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Dude Emerges as the Year's Most Popular Commencement Speaker

Los Angeles, California--With a dismal economy and 17% youth unemployment, but also the promise of ever-expanding welfare and bailout programs, the Dude, popularized in the 1998 film "The Big Lebowski," has become the most popular commencement speaker at college campuses across the country.

At a recent speech in Los Angeles, following an introduction by the dean, the Dude made the following remarks, which have been edited for print:

Thanks, man. But nobody calls me Lebowski. I'm the Dude, man. Today, like, the Big Lebowski's the Prude, man. You know, the President, and I'm really thinking he has us covered.

The revolution's just begun, man. The bums won. No jobs, man!

And the Prude's doubling down on bailouts of mortgages signed by people who knew they couldn't afford them. You know what that means? The Prude's done what Walter never could, man. He's doing the handoff, the double back, grab the taxpayer and tax it out of him, man. Now, you know, every time a rug is micturated upon, the square community has to compensate the owner!

So go ahead and pee on your own rug, man. The government will pay for a new one. All this bailout stuff really ties the system together, man.

And that Speaker Lady of the House, you know, she said that health care law is -- and I'm reading this here, it's a quote, man -- she says it's an "entrepreneurial bill" that "says to someone, if you want to be creative and be a musician or whatever, you can leave your work, focus on your talent, your skill, your passion, your aspirations because you will have health care." Roll with that. Heck, bowl with that, man! Every day is Shabbos! Mark it zero, man, and you still win!

And, uh, thanks for the White Russian.

Associated video: CNS News; associated articles: Wall Street Journal; AEI charts

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Monday, May 17, 2010

China Suggests Communist World Domination As Solution to America's Immigration Enforcement Problem

Washington, D.C.--During recent talks on human rights, after the Obama Administration apologized to China for Arizona's immigration enforcement law, China offered world domination under communism as a solution to America's illegal immigration problem.

"There would be no need for strict immigration laws if everyone were subject to one world communist government," said one Chinese negotiator following a discussion of China's policies on censorship, slave labor, political imprisonment, and forced abortions. "We look forward to future talks."

Associated articles: Associated Press; State Department Press Conference

Attorney General Says Recent Terrorist Attacks Motivated By "Really, Really, Really Radical Christianity"

Associated video: Keep America Safe

What Do YOU Think?

Associated article: George Will

Thursday, May 13, 2010

President Obama Declares Victory in "War on Error"

Washington, D.C.--After a second attempted terrorist attack on the American homeland in five months failed solely due to terrorist incompetence, the Obama Administration celebrated victory in the "war on error."

"Our multi-billion dollar national security system completely failed to prevent two terrorists with ties to high-level Islamic radicals overseas from sneaking bombs onto a flight bound for Detroit and a car parked in Times Square," said President Obama. "But thanks to dumb luck, the bombs failed to detonate."

After noting that the U.S. would continue to treat terrorists sworn to kill as many innocent Americans as possible like ordinary criminals subject to prosecution after the fact -- rather than as wartime enemies who should be stopped before they attempt mass murder -- Obama closed his remarks by assuring the American people that "We will try our luck in the war on error until every last person who would do us harm fails of their own stupidity."

Associated article: Washington Times

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Senators Poised to Confirm Dictator for Life with Little Dictator Experience

Washington, D.C.--Now that the Supreme Court is becoming increasingly packed with Justices who think it's their job to rewrite the Constitution by interpreting it in ways that fit their own policy preferences, the U.S. Senate is poised to confirm another dictator for life. But some are concerned this dictator for life has too little dictator experience.

President Obama's Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan "has never been a judge," said one Senator, "and she's only written three law review articles in her long academic career. With that scant record, how are we supposed to know what policies she's going to impose on the rest of us during her unchecked lifetime tenure on the Court?"

Kagan is on record extolling socialism in her college thesis, opposing the presence of military recruiters on school campuses, and opposing the Defense of Marriage Act. "But beyond that," said another Senator, "we just don't know what she thinks. And I'm a little reluctant to vote for another oligarchical master without knowing exactly which freedoms I'm going to lose."

Associated articles: Washington Times; National Review; Daily Caller

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Federal Authorities Move on Car Trunk Filled with Gasoline, Salt, and Private Health Insurance and Student Loan Papers

New York, New York--Federal authorities today took swift action to confiscate a "dangerous combination of contraband materials" packed in the trunk of a car parked in Times Square.

The trunk reportedly contained bags of salt for use in food preparation, health insurance, mortgage, and student loan papers provided through private companies, and a container of gasoline.

"These are all products the federal government has deemed unfit for use," said one federal official. "Thank goodness we got here in time."

The vigilant citizen who called the police about the suspicious car downplayed his role in averting disaster.

"I actually called because I saw smoke coming from the car next to the one they searched," he said. "But they said the smoke was probably just coming from some sort of jerry-rigged terrorist explosive."

Associated article: Weekly Standard

Monday, May 10, 2010

Found on Local Public School Bulletin Board

Associated video: Breitbart TV

Diversity Advocates Object to Obama's Nomination of "Yet Another Harvard Dweeb" to the Supreme Court

Washington, D.C.--With all the current Supreme Court Justices having gone to Ivy League law schools -- predominantly Harvard and Yale -- President Obama's nomination of "yet another total dweeb" to the nation's highest court deeply disappointed those advocating for more diversity on the federal bench.

"If Obama's nomination of Elena Kagan is approved by the Senate," said one frustrated advocate, "every single Supreme Court Justice will have gone to law school at either Harvard or Yale. Do we really want all the judicial arbiters of our constitutional freedoms to be pompous cocktail party a-holes?"

Responding to critics who questioned whether Obama had followed through on his promise to appoint judges to the Supreme Court who would sympathize with ordinary Americans, White House officials assured reporters that "With Elena Kagan's seating on the Court, each and every Justice will know what it means to be down-and-out. After all, every year there's a losing team at the Harvard-Yale Regatta."

Associated articles: MSNBC; Washington Post

Friday, May 7, 2010

Attorney General Holder Defends Mirandizing Gulf Oil Spill

Venice, Louisiana--The Justice Department is fending off allegations that Attorney General Eric Holder will Mirandize "anything that moves" after he granted the Gulf oil spill protections against self-incrimination in court.

Holder administered the Miranda warnings to swaths of oil creeping onshore before cleanup crews mopped up too much of the alleged environmental offender.

A Justice Department spokesperson defended Holder's actions, saying "Now that the Obama Administration has taken an almost exclusively criminal law approach to what it now calls man-caused disasters, reading a giant oil slick its right to remain silent makes a lot of sense."

Associated article: Charles Krauthammer

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Justice Department Presses Times Square Bomber on Possible Tea Party Sympathies and Opposition to Arizona Immigration Enforcement Law

New York, New York--Based on suggestions from civil liberties groups, the Justice Department is focusing its interrogation of the Times Square bomber on his possible Tea Party sympathies and support for Arizona's law that enforces rules against illegal immigration.

"From what I read and see in the media," said Attorney General Eric Holder, "lots of people are upset because the federal government has not done its job securing the nation's borders, and those people could be prone to violence. The Times Square bomber just became a naturalized citizen in 2009, but since then he visited his home country of Pakistan and received bomb training and was later caught on a flight headed for Dubai, indicating he may have become alienated by what the ACLU and pro-illegal immigration groups have called domestic Gestapo-like anti-illegal immigration policies."

Associated articles: ABC News; Washington Times

Now That They're Only Representing Themselves, House Democrats Plan to Consolidate All Congressional Districts into U.S. Capitol Following 2010 Census

Washington, D.C.--Now that the U.S. House of Representatives has come to represent only the Members of Congress themselves, and not the views of citizens nationwide, House Democrats plan to have all House districts consolidated inside the four corners of the U.S. Capitol following the 2010 census.

"Democrats have a large majority in the House right now, holding 254 of 435 seats," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, "but since we're ramming through widely unpopular legislation like health care, the cap and tax energy bill, and immigration amnesty, we'll need to have district lines redrawn to more accurately reflect the people we're representing, namely ourselves."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Monday, May 3, 2010

Obama Gives Commencement Address to 27 Year-Olds at Local Happy Hour

Teaneck, New Jersey--After signing into law a requirement that young adults be allowed to stay on their parents' health insurance until they turn 27 years old, President Obama showed up at Chatterjee's Bar and Grill to give a commencement address to the happy hour crowd.

"Congratulations to all of you for joining with me and your current Congress in kicking the can of individual initiative even further down the road," said Obama. "But there are many more cans yet for us to kick."

The address was well-received by the throng of middling twenty-somethings.

"It was awesome," said one 24 year-old slacker. "Now that I don't have to get a job to pay for health insurance, I can enjoy Jaeger bombs in my leisure time for another couple years. Obama even had some freaky dude named Geithner pick up the bar tab for everyone!"

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