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"Congratulations to all of you for joining with me and your current Congress in kicking the can of individual initiative even further down the road," said Obama. "But there are many more cans yet for us to kick."
The address was well-received by the throng of middling twenty-somethings.
"It was awesome," said one 24 year-old slacker. "Now that I don't have to get a job to pay for health insurance, I can enjoy Jaeger bombs in my leisure time for another couple years. Obama even had some freaky dude named Geithner pick up the bar tab for everyone!"