Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Obama Administration Spares Foreign Terrorists, Focuses on Torturing Domestic Airline Passengers

Now that foreign terrorists are being treated like ordinary criminals and given lawyers along with the right to remain silent, the Obama Administration is focusing instead on torturing domestic airline passengers with even more onerous security procedures.

"The days of making terrorists stand naked in the cold while being subject to interrogation are over," said President Obama. "The days of making Americans stand naked in airport security lines have just begun."

Attorney General Eric Holder and Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano issued a joint statement saying "We must show the world that America upholds its deepest values by treating domestic citizen airline customers like cattle while granting terrorists the broadest constitutional protections against self-incrimination."

Administration officials noted that "Americans have always borne burdens to protect their freedoms, and now it's time Americans gave up some of those freedoms to help ensure terrorists don't have to be interrogated about future plots."

Associated articles: Washington Post; National Review; Charles Krauthammer

Obama Removes Caps on Taxpayer-Paid Federal Housing Loan Guarantees

Associated articles: Washington Examiner; Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal; Slate; New York Times; Wall Street Journal; National Review; New York Post

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

ACLU "Not Concerned At All" That the Names of Over 350 Million Americans Are on a "Not Safe to Be Flying" List

Washington, D.C.--After filing "privacy" lawsuits that prevented the compilation of a comprehensive terrorist "No-Fly" list that would keep known and dangerous jihadists from being able to board airplanes, the American Civil Liberties Union announced that it was "completely satisfied" that the names of over 350 million Americans remained on the "Not Safe to Be Flying" list.

"The ACLU is pleased to announce that we are not concerned in the least bit that hundreds of millions of Americans remain in danger while flying thanks to our reckless lawsuits that unduly restrict the government's ability to create a thorough list of individuals who should not be allowed to board aircraft due to their ties to terrorism," said an ACLU spokeswoman.

Associated article: Los Angeles Times

Janet "The System Worked" Napolitano Praises Anti-Terrorism Program Centered on Rabbits' Feet, Horseshoes, Four-Leaf Clovers

Washington, D.C.--After a bomb-wearing terrorist who managed to board a plane was thwarted by the bravery of private citizens and the fortuitous malfunction of an explosives detonator, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said "the system worked."

When asked how "the system worked" when the terrorist managed to board the plane with a bomb when his own father had previously called the U.S. Embassy to report his son's radical jihadist ideology, Napolitano pointed to what she called a "fail-safe series of rabbits' feet, horseshoes, and other good luck charms" designed to produce similarly fortunate results in the future.

"We're committed to investing whatever it takes in the latest dumb luck technology," said Napolitano, adding "We hope to have an entire field of genetically engineered four-leaf clovers by mid-year."

Associated articles: Politico; Washington Post; New York Post; Ruth Marcus; Weekly Standard

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Monday, December 21, 2009

"Climategate" Scientists Manipulate Temperature Data and Backyard Photos to Negate Recent East Coast Snow Storm

Boy Disgusted to Find Senate Health Care Bill Next to Rat's Head In Holiday Sausage

Washington, D.C.--A Nebraska boy who bit into a Christmas sausage during a recent family celebration was disgusted to find the hairy vestiges of the Senate health care bill inside the meaty treat.

"The kids so look forward to the holiday sausage this time of year," said the boy's mother between dry heaves. "But this year little Trad let out a shriek after he took a taste. You can imagine our revulsion when we saw, next to a rat's dismembered remains, the horrific Senate health care bill dangling out the sausage casing Trad had in his shaking hands."

When asked to comment, Senate sausage-makers said only that "we strove to produce the best sausage possible before our arbitrary 38-hour deadline for radically restructuring one-seventh of the U.S. economy."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Friday, December 18, 2009

Guantanamo Bay Class of '09, Now Released, Gathers for Class Reunion, Mass Destruction

Yemen--Detainees released from the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay during the Bush administration were deemed the least likely to return to terrorism, but still one out of seven were caught back on the battlefield.

Today, as even more dangerous detainees are released and recidivism rates are expected to increase, organizers of the “Class of ’09 GITMO Reunion” were pleased with this year’s turnout.

The classmates reunited in Yemen -- a haven for al Qaeda and like-minded mass murderers – and enjoyed Molotov cocktails during an opening reception before rekindling old jihadist ties at dinner.

“It was great to get the gang-bangers back together,” said one suicide bomber. “We all wanted to get stuff off our chests -- including our chests! Boom!”

While there were some disappointments, including the absence of 72 virgins, for the most part the classmates thought the festivities lived up to the terrorist propaganda.

“I thought some of these guys would have lost touch with their hatred after a few years in a humane detention facility featuring the best medical care, art classes, soccer, basketball, table tennis, foosball, and DVD's,” said one former detainee. “But I was glad to see most of my classmates remain the same committed bloodthirsty terrorists I knew and loved.”

Associated articles: DNI report; Fox News; Long War Journal; Bloomberg;;;;; Weekly Standard

Copenhagen Talks Cut Short As Organizers Conclude "A Little Climate Change Has Got to Be Better Than a World of Tear Gas and Snot-Nosed Protesters"

Copenhagen, Denmark--As the international Copenhagen climate change summit came to a close, its proceedings devolved into chaos as negotiations bogged down following opposition by China and India, the president of the conference abruptly stepped down, and hordes of violent protesters had to be teargassed by police.

Organizers of the talks finally called a halt to the summit, concluding that a potential temperature rise of a degree or two "can't be as bad as a rain of broken bottles thrown by hordes of snot-nosed activists amidst sprawling clouds of tear gas."

Associated article: Politico

Obama’s Long-windedness Adds to Chaos in Copenhagen As His Verbosity Overheats Green Energy Turbine

Al Gore Reads His Apocalyptic Climate Change Poem "Crack in the World"

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Obama Brings "Terrorist Olympians" to Home State as "Consolation Prize" for His Failure to Bring Olympics to Chicago

Thomson, Illinois--After failing to secure the Olympics and the jobs it would bring to Chicago, President Obama said he would bring "terrorist Olympians" to his home state as a "consolation prize" by transferring some terrorists currently housed at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility to the Thomson Correctional Center, 150 miles outside of Chicago, Illinois.

"The terrorists currently housed at Guantanamo Bay include include experts in explosives and hand-to-hand combat using improvised materials," said Obama upon making the announcement. "They are some of the best, most committed terrorists in the world, and they deserve a top-flight facility right here in the U.S."

The Guantanamo Bay detainee population commits roughly 450 assaults on guards per year, many involving throwing a "noxious cocktail" of urine and feces at soldiers, which requires immediate medical attention. "Many of these terrorist Olympians have become very proficient at getting the stuff under guards' protective masks and into their mouths and eyes," said one Administration official. "There's some remarkable athleticism involved in their terrorist training."

Other detainees have rioted, plotted escape, slashed guards' wrists as they were delivering food, and smashed a nurse's face against a door, shattering her skull and requiring multiple reconstructive surgeries.

"Some of these terrorists are also formidable boxers," said another official. "They've been known to punch themselves repeatedly so they can claim abuse to their lawyers."

"America attracts the best of the best from all over the world," said Obama. "Now it's time to let some of the worst of the worst terrorists take advantage of a world-class facility right here in the United States."

Associated articles: National Review; Excerpts from Inside GITMO

Obama to Contest His Grade in Prime Time Address

Washington, D.C.--Asked by Oprah Winfrey how he would grade himself during his first year in office, President Obama said he'd give himself "a good, solid B+." But at the same time, polls show the American people giving Obama something much closer to a D, as only 44% of those surveyed express any approval of his performance, with 42% strongly disapproving, and only 24% strongly approving.

As a result, Obama said he would challenge the grade he's receiving from the American people in a nationally televised prime time address.

Administration sources said the President "doesn't believe his grade is fair," and that "he isn't going to end his address until the American people agree to change it."

During the address, Obama plans on holding up a composition book containing his thoughts on his own presidential performance and making the case that the American people "just don't understand how much effort I put into this."

"Look," said one administration official, "the President put a lot of time into getting the job he has now, and he's not about to let some voters give him anything less than what he thinks he deserves."

Associated articles: Hot Air; Rasmussen Reports

Monday, December 14, 2009

Twenty-Story, Bird-Grinding Death Machine Ultra-Doom Avoids Justice Department Prosecution

Washington, D.C.—While acknowledging that a twenty-story, bird-grinding death machine called Ultra-Doom kills over 200,000 federally-protected birds a year, the Justice Department declined to prosecute the giant-blade wielding robot on the grounds that “He operates on wind power.”

Although ExxonMobil was prosecuted in federal court for killing 85 federally-protected migratory birds that came into contact with crude oil and other pollutants on its properties -- and other energy companies have faced hundreds of similar prosecutions -- the Justice Department has yet to bring a single case against wind-power companies or wind-driven robots like Ultra-Doom, even though experts estimate such entities kill hundreds of thousands of birds protected by the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.

A Justice Department spokesperson defended its policy, saying “Okay, so Ultra-Doom has a gigantic array of rotating blades that cause thousands of migratory fowl to explode into bloody clouds of feather and bone. But hey, he’s environmentally friendly.”

Associated articles:;; Daily Mail; Post-Gazette; Washington Post 1

Friday, December 11, 2009

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Senators Urge Passage of Unpopular Health Care Bill "For The People Who Got Obama Tattoos"

Washington, D.C.--As popular support for a massive bill to create a government-run health care system dwindles, Democratic Senators urged their colleagues to pass the legislation "for all the people who got Obama tattoos."

As it's become increasingly clear that the legislation won't help seniors because it would cut hundreds of billions of dollars from the Medicare program, that it won't help young people because it will increase their health care costs, and that it won't help middle-aged people because it will raise their taxes, Senators pushed the legislation on behalf of those few Americans who branded themselves permanently with the personification of "change" in order to "save what's left of those people's pride."

"Many Americans engaged in a profound expression of faith by grafting onto their bodies symbols and images of their cult leader," said one Senator, "and we shouldn't let them down by failing to pass the President's health care bill."

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Justices Reminisce About Their Decision to Support the Government's Power to Take Your Property for No Good Reason, Destroy It, Laugh, Then Run Away

New London, Connecticut--Four years ago, a bare majority of five Supreme Court Justices decided the notorious case of Kelo v. New London and allowed the government to take private property away from people so it could give it to other private developers. But today, the revival project that led to the seizure of Susette Kelo's and her neighbors' houses has fallen through, leaving the entire community a bulldozed wasteland.

The Justices siding with the government in 2004 had called its plan "comprehensive" and "carefully formulated" to "provide appreciable benefits to the community, including, but not limited to, new jobs and increased tax revenue." But since then, the plan fell apart after the company given the property decided to move its headquarters.

Those same Justices gathered recently on the gutted foundation of the former Kelo home to reminisce about the "bang up party" they had in Kelo's neighborhood.

Justice Kennedy enjoyed a beer with his colleagues and recalled, "Remember when Justice Stevens said the Constitution allowed the government to seize property for a private use, even when the Constitution's text says government can only take property for a public use, like a school or a road? That was a hoot!"

Justice Ginsburg ribbed her colleagues by saying they all may have taken it "a little too far that day," prodding Justice Stevens to say "Wow, we really trashed this place!"

But for the most part the old, lifetime-tenured jurists who rewrote the Constitution chalked up the Kelo case to, as Justice Breyer put it, "yet another great learning experience."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

EPA Administrator Holds Congress Hostage in Separation of Powers Standoff

Washington, D.C.--Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Lisa Jackson and a band of fellow bureaucrats stormed the U.S. Capitol Building and demanded that Congress pass stringent limits on carbon emissions and energy use, or else she and her other EPA colleagues would impose even more draconian restrictions through the regulatory process, which does not involve action by Congress.

Speaking through a megaphone on a Capitol balcony, Jackson said "With popular opinion and elected representatives turning against the need to dramatically increase energy costs, it's up to unelected bureaucrats like us to force action."

Business representatives could be seen squatting behind Jackson with their hands behind their heads.

"I want to see a bill signed into law by the President, or you can kiss millions of jobs goodbye," Jackson told negotiators, opening the vest she was wearing to reveal thousands of pages of regulations she said she would promulgate if her demands were not met.

Negotiators tried to impress upon Jackson that any resources wasted on increased energy costs meant less could be spent on solving other problems, but Jackson remained unmoved while police continued to monitor what some observers are calling a "separation of powers standoff."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal 1;Wall Street Journal 2; Wall Street Journal 3

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Obama Announces Massive Debt Has Been Detected Heading Straight for U.S.

A stunned nation watched as President Obama used an emergency address to the nation to announce that a massive debt is heading straight for the U.S.

"It's expected to hit within the next decade," Obama told a shaken citizenry, "and engulf the country in a giant cloud of liability."

Obama said Americans should report to underground caves, where they would submit to a strict regimen of work and taxpaying that it is hoped will "steer the debt toward other countries."

Obama said a potential "Plan B" was to employ the newly functional Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest and highest-energy particle accelerator. The LHC was originally designed to smash opposing particle beams, but Obama hoped it could be redesigned "to allow the high-energy banging of heads against walls."

In the mean time, a band of Congressional candidates who support limited government and fiscal responsibility have been recruited to run for office in what has been called "the last best hope for America."

Associated article: LHC

Monday, December 7, 2009

Obama Announces Goal of Spring-Powered Battle for Scarce Energy Resources by 2050

Copenhagen, Denmark--President Barack Obama announced today that he would commit the United States to creating a steam- and spring-powered society by the year 2050 in which bands of warrior tribes would compete for scarce energy resources using giant crank-operated robots.

The President's remarks coincided with an international conference in Copenhagen at which the nations of the world were expected to commit to dramatic reductions in carbon energy use despite their being no conclusive evidence that human-caused global warming poses any significant threat to the world.

Obama promised that U.S. carbon emissions in 2050 will be 83 percent below 2005 levels, meaning that, in forty years, per capita emissions will have to fall to what they were in 1875.

"That may seem scary," said Obama, "but writers in the science fiction steampunk genre have long imagined post-Industrial Revolution societies powered largely by steam and complex spring-driven machines that could be used to capture whatever remaining resources remained legal."

When asked whether such a course of action was feasible, Administration officials pointed to a variety of fantasy novels that included vehicles and weapons fueled by giant bellows and elaborate spring-wound gear shafts.

At the conclusion of the Copenhagen talks, Obama stirred the crowd, saying "I have a dream that one day all Americans will have a chance to win their share of food and water by killing competing scavengers with gatling guns powered by corkscrews and water pressure."

Associated article: George Will

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

White House Says "Overwhelming Consensus of Political Scientists" Supports Its Climate Change Policies

Washington, D.C.--As it has become increasingly clear that the science of climate change is far from settled -- and as the validity of a prominent United Nations report supporting human-caused climate change has been undermined by revelations that its underlying data were fudged or destroyed -- the Obama administration today announced that an "overwhelming consensus" of political scientists supported its drastic programs to raise energy prices.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters, "Look, these political scientists might not have a B.S. in any of the physical sciences, but no one disputes they have B.A.s in B.S."

The American Political Science Association issued a press release to coincide with the press briefing that made clear that "political science has the word 'science' in it. So there."

Associated articles: MIT meteorologist Lindzen; Washington Times; National Review; Wall Street Journal; New Scientist

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Cerebral Obama Says "Path to Victory" in Afghanistan Lies Through Wormholes and an Infinite Number of Alternative Universes

Washington, D.C.--After ten months of what critics called "dithering" on the war in Afghanistan, President Obama finally announced last night that he had determined "a path to victory" in the region lies through wormholes leading to an infinite number of alternate universes.

Administration sources said the cerebral President had become concerned that sustaining his endless ruminations over the contingencies posed by the pressing war in Afghanistan might become increasingly difficult, so he asked his political advisers to recommend additional contemplation plans.

"At that point," said a White House spokesperson, "it became clear that a wormhole strategy would open up unlimited additional possibilities for pondering."

"Unlike my predecessor, who too often made decisive military decisions," said Obama, "I want to fully exhaust my navel resources before making a commitment. That's why I'm so excited by the opportunities offered by a passage in spacetime that connects alternate Afghanistan histories, each holding limitless alternatives for me to consider."

Administration officials cautioned there remained "some uncertainties" with Obama's plan -- including the risks of massive gravitational tidal forces and incineration by radiation emitted near a singularity -- but they emphasized "the President has now set forth some clear goals to aim for."

Associated article: Associated Press

Monday, November 30, 2009

Scientists at Climatic Research Unit Say “Unequivocal Evidence” Confirms Earth is Threatened by Giant Homework-Eating Dogs

East Anglia, United Kingdom--Scientists at East Anglia's Climatic Research Unit who destroyed much of the raw temperature data they claimed proved their global warming predictions have now said that "unequivocal evidence" indicates the earth is threatened by giant homework-eating dogs.

Responding to accusations that temperature data was lost in order to prevent scientists around the world from verifying the accuracy of their global warming claims, Climatic Research Unit officials said they had "clear proof" that "huge, menacing dogs" ate the data and threatened to consume academic assignments around the world for decades to come.

When asked to produce the data on which their new theory was based, the global warming scientists said "everyone knows dogs eat homework."

Associated articles: London Times; Toronto Sun; Charles Murray

Friday, November 27, 2009

Couple with Private Sector Experience Breaches White House Security

Washington, D.C.--Over 90 percent of President Obama's White House cabinet consists of people whose only prior experience was in the government sector, making his administration perhaps the least familiar with private enterprise in U.S. history.

Consequently, when a White House State Dinner was crashed for the first time ever by two people who breezed through security and schmoozed amongst President Obama and Vice President Biden, that remarkable security breach was overshadowed by the more shocking revelation that the uninvited guests were aspiring reality television show stars who had private sector experience.

"This administration prides itself on its total isulation from free enterprise," said one official. "That people with business experience managed to even get close to the President is just not supposed to happen."

Associated articles: American Enterprise Institute; New York Times

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Police Round Up Notorious Gang "The Hockey Stick CRU" in International Sting Operation

Police worldwide moved in on the notorious gang called "The Hockey Stick CRU" late yesterday, part of an international sting operation that advertised government funding in return for politically-favored research results.

Police said CRU members -- scientists associated with the Climatic Research Unit who sport distinctive flaming hockey stick tattoos symbolizing a fanatical devotion to the notion of human-caused global warming -- flocked to a "call for papers" from a United Nations front group.

"These guys are wanted for manipulating science, hijacking the peer review process to enforce global warming dogma, and cheering the deaths of skeptical colleagues," said one officer involved in the sting.

The gang had used fraud to corner the market on the world's largest temperature data set until an informant exposed their operations.

When police made their appearance known and made requests under the Freedom of Information Act, many CRU members tried to swallow evidence that contradicted their preferred theories.

One suspect even tried "stuffing documents up his rear," only to end up with "some nasty paper cuts, stained pants, and a tarnished reputation."

Associated article: RealClearPolitics; Washington Times; Watts Up With That; London Times

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Obama Grants Himself First-Ever "Jive Turkey" Thanksgiving Pardon

Washington, D.C.--After ten months in office, President Obama continued the White House tradition of "pardoning" a turkey before Thanksgiving, but with a twist. This year, Obama pardoned himself in the first-ever "jive turkey" Thanksgiving pardon ceremony.

"If anyone needs a pardon," he said, "it's me."

After reading the definition of "jive turkey" -- which the Urban Dictionary describes as "a master of B.S." -- the President reviewed some of the major domestic and foreign policy statements he made during his first ten months in office.

"My administration said that if the $787 billion spending bill didn't pass, unemployment would reach 8 percent. Well, that giant spending bill passed, and unemployment's now over 10 percent. I also said my health care bill would save money. But it actually spends more money."

"I said the war in Afghanistan was a necessary one," he continued, "but I didn't meet with the general in charge of that war for eight months, and I've only just now made a decision on troop support there."

Obama concluded his remarks, saying "The reason for this pardon is clear: whenever I say something's clear, you know I'm jiving. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone."

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Crime! Declared on al-Qaeda and Other 9/11 Terrorists

Anticipating Effects of Cap-and-Tax Energy Bill, Employers Institute Carbon Footprint Hiring Discrimination

Anticipating the negative economic effects of federal legislation imposing huge taxes and strict limits on energy use, employers nationwide are adopting hiring policies that discriminate against those with carbon footprints.

"When the government raises some of our costs of doing business," said one employer, "we have to cut our costs in other areas. So potential employees with energy-draining carbon footprints are increasingly being shown the door."

One rejected job applicant said "I was told that if they hired me, they'd have to unplug an entire section of their production center."

Employment counselors are suggesting job applicants consider approaching potential employers in ways they may find more acceptable in the current regulatory environment. Those suggestions include presenting oneself at a job interview "as a plant, or some other, non-human life form."

Associated article: Washington Times

Monday, November 16, 2009

Al-Qaeda Reporters Provide Detailed Coverage of National Security Information Revealed in Open Court Criminal Prosecutions of 9/11 Terrorists

New York, New York--Haters of America around the world are hailing the al-Qaeda press corps' "comprehensive" coverage of the open criminal trials of the 9/11 terrorists being held in New York City.

Terrorist journalists are being praised for doing a particularly good job publicizing sensitive national security information revealed in court -- information that will help tip off other terrorists and thwart their capture.

"Our sophisticated terrorist audience demands detailed reporting on anything that could help them avoid detection," said one reporter for the Afghanistan Terror Times. "Lists of unindicted co-conspirators and the disclosure of which terrorists the government already knows about, along with details regarding the operation of anti-terrorism programs, is just some of the material information our readership craves."

"The terrorist press corps is giving the New York Times some real competition in this market," said one envious journalist.

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Friday, November 13, 2009

Law Enforcement Officials Replace "Good Cop, Bad Cop" Routine with "Good Cop, Super-Sensitive Hippie" Routine

Facing pressures to be more "politically correct" in its anti-terrorism investigations, law enforcement officials nationwide are increasingly abandoning the "good cop, bad cop" method of interrogation in favor of a "good cop, super-sensitive hippie" routine.

"The new interrogation style is more attuned to empathizing with a terrorists' deep-seated angst," said one interrogator. "If a terrorist finds himself between one cop -- the good cop -- who offers him sympathy, and another person -- the super-sensitive hippie -- who offers him abject adoring kindness, we hope hardened religiously-motivated mass murders will come to 'smell the coffee' -- or at least the warm, comforting hot chocolate we offer them by the gallon."

Associated article: Krauthammer

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Authorities Defend New "Paint By Numbers" Approach to Terrorism Investigations As "So Much More Fun" Than the Old "Connect the Dots" Method

Washington, D.C.--Responding to criticism that sensitivities to "political correctness" failed to prevent the mass murders committed by Nidal Hasan at the Fort Hood army post, FBI and military officials defended the new "paint by numbers" approach to terrorism investigations as "just so much more fun" than the old "connect the dots" method.

Administration officials said that under paint by numbers, "You start out with assumptions about how the world should be, which makes painting a utopian vision so much easier. Whereas under the connect the dots approach, you first have to discover the dots wherever they might appear, which tends to make for a much uglier picture."

"The connect the dots approach is mind-numbing," bemoaned another law enforcement official. "Paint by numbers is so much more colorful!"

Associated articles: Washington Times; Weekly Standard; Senate Report

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Government Celebrates Takeover of Stimulus Bill

As most jobs affected by the massive $787 billion federal spending bill passed by Congress earlier this year went to public sector jobs, and not the private sector, government factions celebrated the successful takeover of the "stimulus" legislation.

"The government demanded change," said Vice President Biden before a cheering crowd of coup supporters, "and we've delivered the government hundreds and hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars!"

Biden introduced White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, who repeated his infamous public comments that "You never want a serious crisis to go to waste," meaning that government should exploit trying times to expand the federal regulatory apparatus. "And we have not wasted this chance to waste hundreds of billions of dollars on huge bureaucracies."

Associated articles: The Corner; Big Government; associated video: ReasonTV

Democrats Fend Off Legal Reform Amendment, Implore Colleagues to Consider "The Face of Trial Lawyer Victims"

Washington, D.C.--Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives defeated a tort reform amendment to their health care bill, arguing with special passion that limits on legal fees would victimize trial lawyers.

Democratic House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD), imploring his colleagues to consider "the face of legal reform victims," held up two photos of personal injury attorneys. One, protected by the current legal regime, stood proudly in a tailored suit in front of his BMW. The other, the purported victim of legal reform whom Hoyer described as "stripped of his dignity at exclusive cocktail parties," stood forelornly in an off-the-rack suit in front of a more modest mid-range Ford model.

"Our precious trial lawyers are a uniquely Democratic institution, and their way of high-life deserves protection," said Hoyer. "Lawyers are members of the only profession that, for a mere $30 filing fee, can force anyone they sue, for any reason, to spend thousands fo dollars to defend themselves against even frivolous claims, and trial lawyers use that leverage to extort large legal settlements, including massive fees, which they contribute virtually exclusively to Democrats."

Members of Congress on the majority side of the aisle stood up and cheered, many of them with tears in their eyes, as the legal reform amendment was defeated on a party-line vote.

"Trial lawyers may be parasites," said one Democrat. "But even the lowliest amongst us must be protected, as they serve an essential political role in the U.S. legal environment."

Associated article: legal reform amendment; trial lawyer charts

Monday, November 9, 2009

Recognizing 20th Anniversary of Fall of Berlin Wall, U.S. Democrats Welcome Former Communist Central Planners

U.S. Democratic leaders marked the twentieth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall -- which had separated a free West Berlin from an East Berlin subject to communist control --by welcoming former East German central government planners into the ranks of American policymakers.

"For too long, the Berlin Wall trapped industrious social and economic engineers inside Soviet-controlled territory," said U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Today, we are so grateful that those planners and their principles are free to help shape our domestic American agenda."

National Security Officials Undergo Terrorism Sensitivity Training

Before a U.S. Army major yelled "Allahu Akhbar!" prior to shooting and killing 13 soldiers and injuring dozens of others, he reportedly attended a radical mosque at the same time as two of the September 11 terrorists, gave a classroom presentation that justified suicide bombings, wrote posts on the internet glorifying them, told colleagues non-believers in Islam should be beheaded, and tried to make contact with people associated with al Qaeda.

Yet no one filed a formal written complaint regarding his behavior because it was feared doing so would appear discriminatory against a Muslim.

Officials are attributing the response to a terrorist sensitivity training program entitled "Helping Violent, Religiously-Motivated Killers Feel Comfortable with Their Differences," which encourages law enforcement and the nation's military to "check their survival instincts at the door" in favor of "global consciousness."

The associated instructional materials for the program advise:

If you are injured by a terrorist, ask yourself "What did I do to deserve this?"

If you evade injury by a terrorist, ask yourself "What could I have done differently to help him fulfill his own personal mission?"

If you perceive tell-tale signs of potential terrorist activity, ask yourself "Is my perception biased toward my own selfish desire for self-preservation?"

One national security official who took part in the program said he walked away with "a much greater understanding of how the threat of a discrimination claim should be of far more concern than a potential suicidal terrorist bent on killing and maiming as many innocent Americans as possible."

Associated articles: Associated Press 1; Associated Press 2; UK Telegraph 1; UK Telegraph 2; ABC News; TIME Magazine

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Al Gore Charged with "Leveraging Alarmism" in Giant Global Warming Ponzi Scheme

New York, New York--Al Gore has invested millions of dollars in business ventures -- such as carbon trading and waterless urinal firms -- that stand to make huge profits if Congress enacts the policy mandates he advocates.

Now, Mr. Gore has come under scrutiny for "leveraging alarmism" in what federal officials call a "giant global warming Ponzi scheme."

Investigators said that while the empirical evidence of human-caused global warming has proven lacking over time, Mr. Gore "fomented exaggerations and distortions" of the science to create an "ever-widening pool of suckers" that would support increasingly draconian federal policies. Those policies would help Mr. Gore's business ventures at the expense of the nation's small businesses, which would become less competitive and suffer financially in the face of increased energy costs.

Mr. Gore defended his actions, saying "While I may have helped dig the American economy into a deeper and deeper hole, at least that hole is green-friendly."

Associated articles: Washington Times; Australian News;;; Times of London; Telegraph

Spot the Photo Differences (6): Obamacare Version

Click here for answers: Answers

Monday, November 2, 2009

Workers with Jobs the White House Claims it Created Say They're Underpaid; Compare Their Meager Salaries to Huge Costs to Taxpayers

The Obama Administration claims its $787 billion federal spending bill has "created or saved" 650,000 jobs so far, with $150 billion in grants and loans having already been spent.

Although economists say it's impossible to determine which if any jobs were "saved" by the spending, even taking the administration's questionable figures at face value, the numbers mean the cost to taxpayers of each job created or saved was in the $160,00 to $230,000 range. Consequently, workers affected by the federal spending picketed nationwide, comparing their relatively meager salries to the huge cost to taxpayers.

"My 'saved' job cost $230,000," said one pickerter. "But my job only pays $60,000. Where's my $170,000 raise?"

Administration officials defended the program, but conceded that taxpayer money could probably have been distributed more efficiently "if we just dumped the money on people from helicopters."

Associated articles:; Hot Air

Friday, October 30, 2009

Obama Convention Delegates to Administer "Net Neutrality" Rules

Washington, D.C.--Responding to concerns that the private companies that own the infrastructure over which internet communications are transmitted might some day set up a tiered system that gives some content providers an advantage over others, the federal agency charged with regulating electronic communications put a handful of Obama nominating convention delegates in charge of enforcing “net neutrality.”

When asked why Americans should trust the judgment of a few government officials over that of private companies driven to satisfy their customers by the forces of economic competition, one net neutrality official pointed to what he called his “extremely spirited hat,” complete with Obama campaign buttons and a protruding stuffed donkey.

"We'll maintain a strictly neutral stance on internet access," he said, "guided only by the needs of our ideological and financial political base."

Associated video: CNBC; ReasonTV; The Blaze; associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Associated Press;

Thursday, October 29, 2009

House Democrats Unveil Health Care Bill Cutting Billions from Medicare on Steps of Aztec Ziggurat

House Democrats today unveiled a 1,900-page bill to create a largely government-run health care system on the steps of an Aztec ziggurat formerly used for human sacrifice.

The Democrats had originally planned on making the announcement on the steps of the U.S. Capitol, but changed their minds after it was determined the bill would be paid for in part with $500 billion in cuts to senior citizens' Medicare program.

Organizers said the new setting was more appropriate, given the service restrictions such unprecedentedly huge cuts in Medicare would require and the health care rationing that would result from driving private plans out of business.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi spoke next to a statute on which the Aztecs placed sacrificial offerings to the gods before victims' bodies were hurled down a long stone staircase.

"Soon," she said, "there will be some new health care gods. They will be from the federal government, and they will be here to help."

Associated articles:;; Washington Post

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

1964 Ronald Reagan A Time for Choosing Speech, Updated

Suddenly, Dissing Dalai Lama Now “Wicked Cool”

Style Section--While former President George W. Bush was often pilloried for the slightest imagined mistake, President Obama has snubbed the Dalai Lama so as not to offend China, given short shrift to Katrina victims in a recent visit to New Orleans, attempted to block a major media outlet from participating in the White House press pool, and even poked fun at the Special Olypics on a late night talk show. But unlike his predecessor, Obama's managed to make all those things "wicked cool."

"I used to think making fun of the Special Olympics was bad," said one teenager. "But if Obama's doing it, it must be poppin' slammin' off the hook!"

Other former "outs" that are now "in" include signing off on secret deals with drug companies, politicizing all aspects of the government, and playing lots of male-only basketball.

One style columnist described how Obama was greeted with cheers from reporters when he launched into an impromptu freestyle rap dissing the Dalai Lama between rounds of golf.

"When Obama went off on how the spiritual leader of a free Tibet should 'save the Lama for his Mama,' I knew we'd entered a new era of political chic," she said.

Associated articles: Washington Times;; Politico 1

Monday, October 26, 2009

Yuppietariat Celebrates Revolutionary Cash for Golf Carts Program

The American yuppietariat has long fought against industriousness and personal responsibility, and today yuppies nationwide celebrated the ultimate culmination of that crusade in the federal "cash the golf carts" program.

Part of the "cash for clunkers" legislation, the golf cart scheme is the result of a federal credit that provides from $4,200 to $5,500 for the purchase of an electric vehicle, which can include road worthy golf carts with side and rearview mirrors and three-point seat belts under a related IRS ruling.

With golf carts now provided at taxpayer expense, yuppiecrats are finally liberated from the oppression of sloping hills and gravely terrain that has long "kept golfers down" by limiting their ability to squeeze 18 rounds into a single golf session.

Said one celebrant, "Finally, with this latest expropriation of private wealth, the yuppietariat can free itself of the alienation inherent in capitalism and become empowered to spend hours upon hours trying to hit a tiny ball into a small hole, over and over again."

Associated article:

Critics Worry Influence of Global Warming Religion on Congress Violates Separation of Church and State

Washington, D.C.--Democratic proponents of a cap-and-tax bill that would restrict energy production and increase its cost vigorously defended that legislation, rejecting the latest scientific findings and saying it's "an article of faith that we return to the Garden of Eden."

"Opponents of this gospel are arguing the taxes it imposes aren't justified by science," said Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA). "But the bill doesn't impose taxes. It imposes a tithe."

Other defenders of the legislation argued for the immutable truths embodied in the bill. "This isn't about the scientific method," said Rep. Edward Markey (D-MA). "It's about natural law."

Associated article:;

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