Thomson, Illinois--After failing to secure the Olympics and the jobs it would bring to Chicago, President Obama said he would bring "terrorist Olympians" to his home state as a "consolation prize" by transferring some terrorists currently housed at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility to the Thomson Correctional Center, 150 miles outside of Chicago, Illinois."The terrorists currently housed at Guantanamo Bay include include experts in explosives and hand-to-hand combat using improvised materials," said Obama upon making the announcement. "They are some of the best, most committed terrorists in the world, and they deserve a top-flight facility right here in the U.S."
The Guantanamo Bay detainee population commits roughly 450 assaults on guards per year, many involving throwing a "noxious cocktail" of urine and feces at soldiers, which requires immediate medical attention. "Many of these terrorist Olympians have become very proficient at getting the stuff under guards' protective masks and into their mouths and eyes," said one Administration official. "There's some remarkable athleticism involved in their terrorist training."
Other detainees have rioted, plotted escape, slashed guards' wrists as they were delivering food, and smashed a nurse's face against a door, shattering her skull and requiring multiple reconstructive surgeries.
"Some of these terrorists are also formidable boxers," said another official. "They've been known to punch themselves repeatedly so they can claim abuse to their lawyers."
"America attracts the best of the best from all over the world," said Obama. "Now it's time to let some of the worst of the worst terrorists take advantage of a world-class facility right here in the United States."
Associated articles: National Review; Excerpts from Inside GITMO
