Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Early American Custody Agreement Puts Paternity of Founding Fathers in Doubt

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania--A legal petition dated just after the ratification of the Constitution -- and signed by the nation's Founding Fathers who drafted the Supreme Law of the Land -- has placed into doubt the paternity of America's foundational law.

The document, found buried in the archives of a Philadelphia historical center, announce the intentions of the delegates to the Constitutional Convention that their status of "Founding Fathers" of the United States be severed in the event that "the plain meaning of the terms used in the Constitution become so perverted by the political manipulations of others, in ways not authorized by the Constitution, that our progeny is no longer recognizable as such."

Lawyers are currently debating whether recent court decisions regarding marriage, national security, and property rights violate the terms of the Founding Fathers' custody agreement, but the legal consensus is that "We may now need to name some Founding Stepfathers."

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Six Flags Opens New Obama-Themed Roller Coaster

Baltimore, Maryland--With the economy tanking and a record one in six Americans taking part in various government anti-poverty programs, the Six Flags amusement park announced the opening of it's latest roller coaster.

"It's called the Obamarator," said a park spokeswoman, who said it consists of a winding but ever low-spiraling ride in cars fitted with video screens showing the latest economic indicators.

"With the latest data showing Medicaid enrollment at record highs even before 16 million people are added by the ObamaCare law in 2014, a 50% rise in food stamp participants, a 400% increase in those receiving unemployment insurance, and an 18% increase in the welfare rolls," said the spokeswoman, "we didn't have to do much more to make this one of the most frightening Six Flags coasters ever."

One man who rode on the coaster's maiden run said "After the very first turn -- where you see that Medicaid costs have jumped 36% in two years to $273 billion, jobless benefits soared from $43 billion to $160 billion, and food stamp and welfare costs have risen 80% and 24% -- I almost lost my lunch."

Associated articles: USA Today; New York Daily News

Monday, December 20, 2010

First Prize at Local Science Fair Goes to Student with Global Warming Display Behind Black Curtain

Derbyville, New York--Junior high school student Cody Burroughs won first place in the local science fair for his alleged display of the science proving human-caused global warming, which remained hidden behind a thick black curtain.

"The conclusions Cody came to so confirmed the prevailing consensus that we found it unnecessary to look behind the curtain," said one of the judges.

Other judges said they were impressed by Cody's assiduous deletion of any emails in his possession that would have cast doubt on the validity of the claims he made, and his encouragement of classmates to ignore any student who offered evidence to rebut his theories.

The judges said that in evaluating the science fair projects, they used the same criteria applied by the "Independent Climate Change Email Review," which papered over the recent Climategate scandal.

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Washington Times; London Telegraph; Times of Higher Education; Watts Up With That; Wall Street Journal 1

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Santa Asks Kids to Give Back This Year

Washington, D.C.--Children around the country were surprised last night to see Santa Claus deliver an unprecedented prime time television address in which he asked the nation's youth to "give back this year" by contributing what they could to their $40,000 share of the massive national debt.

"I know these are tough economic times," said Santa, "but this year, there are over 6,000 earmarks in the Democratic Congress' spending bill, and the John Murtha Foundation and the Edward M. Kennedy Institute alone need $18 million from your collective allowances."

Santa closed his remarks by explaining to the nation's children that he "had to give out over $800 billion in gifts to the public sector at the beginning of the year," so he was looking to children everywhere to finally "pay up."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

No Labels Groups Unveils New Clothing Label

Washington, D.C.--The group "No Labels" -- led by a group of former politicians who lost reelection and a host of largely uninfluential political commentators -- unveiled a new clothing line to garner attention for its mission of removing intellectual consistency from political discourse.

"By hyping the often trivial common ground between those who believe government must enforce its vision of justice and those who believe personal fulfillment is best achieved through individual responsibility and the voluntary interaction of free people," said a No Labels spokesperson, "we hope to foster a self-righteous sense of civility designed to suppress exposure of the contradictions that inevitably underlie attempts to compromise on fundamental issues."

Founded on the principle that "defending principle is indefensible," the No Labels clothing line aims at making "totally vapid totally cool."

Associated article: Slate

Obama Defends His Divinity Against Church and State Challenge

Washington, D.C.--President Obama defended his divinity before the Supreme Court yesterday, arguing personally that his holy status did not violate any constitutionally required separation between church and state.

"The First Amendment prohibits the government from establishing a religion," Obama told the Justices. "But I didn't establish my divinity as President. Rather, my divinity was created by free citizens who decided on their own to join my cult following."

Several of the conservative justices seemed to agree with Obama, with one pointing out that "The intercession of free choice by individuals would seem to negate any claim of government-imposed religion."

Obama divided his time for oral argument with the Solicitor General, who began his presentation in defense of Obama's constitutionality by saying "May it please the Court, and His Divine Holiness Obama, Whose Infinite Wisdom and Mercy Is the Beginning and the End of All That Is Just and Good."

Associated articles: Victor Davis Hanson; Wall Street Journal; Weekly Standard

Friday, December 10, 2010

Obama Assures Nation: "I Come in Peace"

Washington, D.C.--In a prime time television address that rivited the nation, President Barack Obama sought to assure tremulous Americans who generally consider him distant and detached that "I come in peace."

Obama delivered the address inside what White House officials called "The Oval Saucer," pausing frequently to extend his hand toward the camera in a reassuring manner. "You have nothing to fear," said Obama, his voice echoing with every syllable.

Many Americans expressed relief following the address, especially from Obama's assurances that "We will depart as soon as our egos are fed." But others remained concerned by Obama's remarks that "your civilization will be protected by layers of bureaucracy that will preserve your species for generations to come."

Still others were unnerved by Obama's use of the royal "we," but an administration spokesperson made clear that such a linguistic formulation "referred only to the collective consciousness of the larger White House," and that "in any case our data indicate your kind can safely withstand at least six more years of preparatory incubation."

Monday, December 6, 2010

Santa Gives Nation the Gift of Coal After Defeat of Democrats' Cap and Tax Plans

Everywhere, USA--After the Democrats suffered historic defeats at the polls last November, Santa Claus announced all Americans would be getting "the gift of precious coal" as it became clear plans for draconian energy taxes would be scrapped.

Back in 2008, then-candidate for Presient Barack Obama said of his energy policies: "If somebody wants to build a coal-powered plant, they can; it's just that it will bankrupt them because they're going to be charged a huge sum for all that greenhouse gas that's being emitted."

"But coal provides usable energy at much less than a quarter of the cost of either oil or natural gas," said Santa, "and 50 percent of the energy produced in the United States comes from coal. I'm pleased to say that the American voters were very good this year because they rejected candidates who wanted to dramatically increase their energy costs in return for relatively few demonstrable benefits."

Friday, December 3, 2010

Judge Orders Christmas Depictions of Jesus Replaced with Doc Holliday

Lubberville, Oregon--A federal judge in Oregon has ordered a local town to replace its Christmas depictions of Jesus Christ with the "less offensive" image of legendary bar owner, gambler, and gunslinger Doc Holliday.

Although title 5, Section 6103 of the United States Code specifically declares "Christmas" a "legal public" day of celebration, Judge Lewis Tunnick held that celebrating a "Holliday" rather than Christmas' namesake was "more appropriate" in that it singled out for recognition "a popular secular lawman" instead of a "religious figure."

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

In Compromise Offer to Republicans, Obama Agrees to Support Only 1,500-Page Bills That Control an Additional 7% of Economy

Washington, D.C.--In what White House officials called "an unprecedented gesture of good will and in a spirit of compromise," President Obama said at a bipartisan meeting on Capitol Hill today that he would limit his support to bills that are 1,500 pages long and control only an additional 7% of the U.S. economy.

"Some are complaining because legislation I signed into law ran into the many thousands of pages and controlled an additional tenth of the national's privately-held resources," said Obama. "I'm willing to look beyond the past, and push forward with policies that grow the government by one-seventh at a time."

Associated article: Fox News

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Obama to Embark on National Listening Tour; President Plans to Plug Ears and Hum National Anthem in All 50 States

Washington, D.C.--Following the last election's massive turnout of voters intent on electing representatives who will help restore traditional Americans values and oppose central parts of President Obama's agenda, the White House announced today that Obama plans a national listening tour in which he will visit all 50 states while plugging his ears and humming the national anthem.

"The president will demonstrate his deep patriotism by traveling cross-sections of the country, standing in large audiences, and then filling his head with the sonorous sounds of the Star-Spangled Banner," said a White House spokesperson. "And in the event people in the crowds prove at all distracting, the president stands ready to order the firing of cannons during the anthem's crescendo."

Monday, November 22, 2010

Friday, November 19, 2010

Congress Requires 20% Gratuity for Taxpayers of Eight or More

Washington, D.C.--President Obama signed federal legislation yesterday, passed by the lame duck Democrat-controlled Congress, that requires a 20% gratuity from taxpayers of eight or more.

The Obama Administration and the Democrat-controlled Congress have long expressed its frustration that Americans have been insufficiently grateful for the massive new government programs they recently enacted, but this is the first time the law has been codified to correct that perceived inadequacy.

At the signing ceremony, Obama said "It's just not fair that subjective assessments of the government's performance can leave millions of federal bureaucrats without the compensation they deserve for their service."

Congressional Democrats said the gratuity mandate was necessary because "in a country of over 300 million people, it's just too hard for citizens in large groups to avoid their fiscal responsibility."

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Advisers Recommend Obama Scale Back Efforts to Teach Young People Personal Irresponsibility, Saying President Should "Focus on Smoking for Now"

Washington, D.C.--Worried that the President has spread himself too thin by encouraging people, especially young people, to act irresponsibly by promoting government handouts in such diverse fields as car ownership, school loans, and home ownership, top White House advisers are strongly encouraging Obama to scale back his efforts "and limit his focus for the moment to smoking."

"Smoking helps the President relax despite well-known negative consequences," said one administration official. "We think he should stick to that example for our nation's youth, rather than trying to tackle too many drunken-sailor programs at once."

Administration officials said the President could always return to promoting his many other personal irresponsibility programs, but that for now, with dropping poll numbers, "he needs to stop overextending himself and take things one step at a time."

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Obama Tours Destruction of Own Party Left in Wake of Radical Administration

Washington, D.C.--President Obama toured the devastation on Capitol Hill today as his party suffered huge losses following enactment of his policies favoring massive federal public sector spending, government takeovers of health care, housing, and student loans, and his endless demonization of business owners.

Touring the now somber halls of Congress, Obama was escorted by members of the National Guard as he strode between the now-empty seats on the Democratic side of the aisle.

"What happened here was a personal tragedy," said Obama. "I've summoned the full resources of the federal government to double-down yet again on my federal-spending response to the mindless tides of voter insubordination I blame for sweeping so many of my minions from office."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Hotline

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Congressman Found to Have Directed Thousands of Patronizing Comments to Constituents

Washington, D.C.--Multiple media sources confirmed that Congressman Jim Rothswig of New Jersey has, over several years, directed thousands of patronizing comments to his own constituents.

Rep. Rothswig denied the allegations, saying "Those simple-minded, gun-toting, Bible-hugging religious rubes in my district will believe anything they hear on Rush Limbaugh."

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Monday, October 25, 2010

U.S. Citizen Seeks Asylum in a U.S. Governed by Constitutional Principles

Morgantown, Pennsylvania--U.S. citizen Jerry Winkler recently reported to a federal immigration office and requested asylum into a "U.S. governed by constitutional principles."

Citing various constitutional provisions including the limited, enumerated powers of Congress set out in Article I of the Constitution, Winkler argued he fears for his individual rights in a nation that appears to have dramatically shifted from its constitutional foundations.

"I thought he was nuts," said one immigration official. "But he came in with a copy of the U.S. Constitution -- which I had never read before -- and after reading it I thought he made a legitimate case. Unfortunately, I checked the records and the U.S. that exists today is the only one we have, and you can't be a refugee from your own country."

"The immigration official told me the only place I could seek relief was the voting booth in November," said Winkler. "So I'm going to give that a shot."

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Government Bureaucrats Caught Watching Spending Porn at Work

Washington, D.C.--Now that the federal government has run an over $1 trillion deficit for an unprecedented second straight year, an inspector general investigation has revealed that thousands of federal bureaucrats watch "spending porn" on a daily basis, viewing hundreds of thousands of hours of disgusting displays of the waste of taxpayer dollars, and even images of burning money.

"What they've been doing at the office is vile," said one investigator. "Many of these government employees spend most of their time at work watching C-Span and MSNBC, which cater to people with prurient interests in watching taxpayer dollars get flushed down toilets, stuffed down rat holes, and spent on all sorts of boondoggle projects."

One authority said "It's hard to figure anyone could get off on this stuff, but it must have something to do with feelings of power while watching the public's money subjugated and degraded in all sorts of disturbing ways."

Associated articles: Washington Post; The American; Heritage Foundation; USA Today

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

People Beginning to Cough Up Pieces of Big Government

Washington, D.C.--In what researchers say is an ominous sign that the government has gotten "way too big," people are beginning to cough up huge chunks of big government.

"I was trying to eat breakfast," said one small business owner, "but then I suddenly felt a scratching in my throat, and before I knew it reams of IRS 1099 forms were spilling out of my mouth."

Experts say the ObamaCare law's requirement that small businesses file a separate 1099 form for every vendor they buy more than $600 of goods from is only "one small part of the government that has come to permeate all aspects of our lives" and that "without dramatic reductions in the government's paperwork emissions, this unhealthy trend is only going to get worse."

Associated article: CATO Institute

Monday, October 18, 2010

Obama Blames Republicans for "Sad Legacy of Bar Graphs"

Government Psychologists Added to Obama’s Secret Service Detail

Washington, D.C.--After giving speeches in which he claimed the large majority of the American electorate isn't able to "think clearly" because it's motivated by irrational "fear" -- saying Americans are "hardwired not to think clearly when we're scared" -- President Obama authorized the creation of a new unit of government psychologists inside the Secret Service.

"We're here to facilitate the president's projection of his inadequacies onto the population at large," said the chief of the new Presidential Projection Program. "We scan crowds for signs of dissatisfaction, and then act immediately to find a psychological disorder to explain that dissatisfaction away."

Associated articles: Charles Krauthammer; Politico

Friday, October 15, 2010

Politicians Caught Cheating on Voters

Washington, D.C.--In a special series of "all Congress" episodes of the television show "Cheaters," hundreds of federal lawmakers were caught on tape cheating on their constituents.

"I should have known something was going on when my representative didn't show up for a town hall meeting," said one voter.

"I should have noticed he was spending taxpayer money on extraneous things like car companies," said another. "And that he wasn't spending as much time at work reading the bills he was voting on."

When one cheating Member was confronted, and asked why he did it, he said "Hey, when my constituents looked the other way for so long, I got a feeling of entitlement."

Another caught Senator said "My constituents were overly critical, and I didn't want to be associated with them any more."

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Stimulus Funds Used to Convert Baseball Stadiums to Colosseums

New York, New York--Billions of dollars in federal stimulus funds will be used to convert baseball stadiums into colosseums in places with high unemployment in an effort to appease the restless masses. And Congress has threatened to remove the federal antitrust exemption for Major League Baseball unless players agree to fight much more aggressively.

"These are tough times," said Obama in announcing the giant colosseum project, "and it's only fair that professional baseball players sacrifice as well."

When administration officials were asked to explain the public purpose behind the new program, which accompanies higher taxes to support massive spending on salaries for corrupt government bureaucrats, they said only "When in Rome ..."

Associated article: Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

Monday, October 4, 2010

Friday, October 1, 2010

Democrats Counter Republican Agenda with Delicious Cupcakes

Washington, D.C.--After House Republicans unveiled a public pledge to stop tax increases, lower taxes for small businesses, require congressional approval for regulations with large economic impacts, limit discretionary spending to pre-bailout, pre-stimulus levels, and then cap its growth, Democrats responded by offering an agenda "packed with delicious cupcakes smothered in creamy frosting."

After the Democrats adjourned Congress without performing its most basic function of approving a federal budget or deciding on whether to maintain current tax rates set to expire in January, House Speaker Pelosi said "This is no gimmick. These cupcakes are real, they are tasty, and they will be warm and ready for the American people to enjoy at the start of the next Congress."

Asked about Republicans' criticism regarding how the cupcakes would be paid for, Pelosi responded, "Only Republicans could object to cupcakes. Yummy cupcakes."

Associated article: National Review

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Obama Runs Afoul of Anti-Stalking Laws

Richmond, Virginia--President's Obama frantic "backyard tour" to sell his radical agenda in Albuquerque, Des Moines, and Richmond have run afoul of local anti-stalking laws, which threaten to limit the omnipresence of the president in domestic spaces nationwide.

"We received a large volume of calls," said a local police spokesperson following Obama's latest backyard event. "They said this guy seemed to be following them everywhere, on television, on the internet, and now on their back patios."

According to local police, "Most complaints came from people who said they voted for the guy once, but it didn't work out, and now they just want to be left alone."

"It's always the professorial, straight-laced guys that turn creepy," said one officer.

Associated articles: Washington Post; Fox; New York Times

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