Early American Custody Agreement Puts Paternity of Founding Fathers in Doubt

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania--A legal petition dated just after the ratification of the Constitution -- and signed by the nation's Founding Fathers who drafted the Supreme Law of the Land -- has placed into doubt the paternity of America's foundational law.

The document, found buried in the archives of a Philadelphia historical center, announce the intentions of the delegates to the Constitutional Convention that their status of "Founding Fathers" of the United States be severed in the event that "the plain meaning of the terms used in the Constitution become so perverted by the political manipulations of others, in ways not authorized by the Constitution, that our progeny is no longer recognizable as such."

Lawyers are currently debating whether recent court decisions regarding marriage, national security, and property rights violate the terms of the Founding Fathers' custody agreement, but the legal consensus is that "We may now need to name some Founding Stepfathers."

U.S. Citizen Seeks Asylum in a U.S. Governed by Constitutional Principles

Morgantown, Pennsylvania--U.S. citizen Jerry Winkler recently reported to a federal immigration office and requested asylum into a "U.S. governed by constitutional principles."

Citing various constitutional provisions including the limited, enumerated powers of Congress set out in Article I of the Constitution, Winkler argued he fears for his individual rights in a nation that appears to have dramatically shifted from its constitutional foundations.

"I thought he was nuts," said one immigration official. "But he came in with a copy of the U.S. Constitution -- which I had never read before -- and after reading it I thought he made a legitimate case. Unfortunately, I checked the records and the U.S. that exists today is the only one we have, and you can't be a refugee from your own country."

"The immigration official told me the only place I could seek relief was the voting booth in November," said Winkler. "So I'm going to give that a shot."

McDonald's Sponsors Super-Sized Constitution Exhibit at National Archives

Washington, D.C.--Junk food giant McDonald's is sponsoring an exhibit on the "Super-Sized Constitution" at the National Archives which will feature the much-bloated version of the Constitution imagined by supporters of an equally super-sized national government.

"Now that it's accepted by political elites that the nation's founding document is larded up with all sorts of extra-constitutional powers for federal authorities," said a McDonald's spokesperson, "we thought it was time to help fund a display highlighting all the extra crap the ruling class demands be glommed onto the Supreme Law of the Land."

Some of those highlights include the federal government's control of segments of the auto industry, the financial services industry, home loan policies, college payments, and the entire health care industry.

"Federal legislators and lifetime-tenured judges have long relied on the super-sized Constitution to justify their imposition of their own policy preferences on the American people," said an Archives official. "We're pleased McDonald's is sponsoring this exhibit so the nation's citizens can finally see the Constitution as it's perceived by their political overlords."

Big Government Politicians Concerned with Latest Fashion Trend

by gustof

New York, New York--The American fashion scene is abuzz with the latest design trend reflecting a hip new interest in the Constitution's limited government principles.

The latest designs floated like a bold armada into a recent show in New York, where the fashions displayed a "Don't Treat on Me" attitude.

Felt three-cornered hats, horsehair wigs, closely-cut knee-length coats, and narrow-fit shoulders and sleeves complemented waistcoats, breeches, and cotton stockings in a retro celebration of independent spirit.

This columnist notes that in addition to the usual fashionistas who appear along the runway, this year's attendees included an array of Democratic Party campaign consultants who watched in horror as the Spirit of 1776 seemed to possess their dreams of a more socially engineered scene.

This critic left the show ready to rock and revolt and feeling like a Hessian. (Can't argue with the gift bag, either, which contained pocket versions of America's founding documents and a paperback edition of the Federalist Papers.)

Declaration of Independence Disclaimer (click image to enlarge)

Historians Discover Lost Letter from James Madison to Thomas Jefferson (click image to enlarge)