Six Flags Opens New Obama-Themed Roller Coaster

Baltimore, Maryland--With the economy tanking and a record one in six Americans taking part in various government anti-poverty programs, the Six Flags amusement park announced the opening of it's latest roller coaster.

"It's called the Obamarator," said a park spokeswoman, who said it consists of a winding but ever low-spiraling ride in cars fitted with video screens showing the latest economic indicators.

"With the latest data showing Medicaid enrollment at record highs even before 16 million people are added by the ObamaCare law in 2014, a 50% rise in food stamp participants, a 400% increase in those receiving unemployment insurance, and an 18% increase in the welfare rolls," said the spokeswoman, "we didn't have to do much more to make this one of the most frightening Six Flags coasters ever."

One man who rode on the coaster's maiden run said "After the very first turn -- where you see that Medicaid costs have jumped 36% in two years to $273 billion, jobless benefits soared from $43 billion to $160 billion, and food stamp and welfare costs have risen 80% and 24% -- I almost lost my lunch."

Associated articles: USA Today; New York Daily News

Markets Jittery as Federal Reserve Chairman Tells Congress He Has the Right to Remain Silent

Associated article: CNN Money

Obama "Invigorated" Following Latest Vacation in La La Land

Washington, D.C.--White House officials said President Obama was "invigorated" following his latest vacation in La La Land, a favorite get-away for the cerebral chief federal executive.

"Few things recharge the president's batteries like visions of cash growing on trees and the smell of newly-printed money," said the White House press secretary.

The La La Land Chamber of Pipedreams reiterated its pleasure with Obama's latest stay in the favorite destination of utopian dreamers.

"Tourism was down over the last many years, and lots of European leaders now prefer to stay grounded in the reality of their own country's economic circumstances" said a Chamber official. "But things are finally picking up now that the leader of the free world is becoming a regular vacationer here."

Democrats Repeal Laws of Economics

Obama Appoints Russian Mystic Rasputin “Psychic Economic Adviser to the Czars”

Washington, D.C.--Earlier this year, the Obama Administration warned that if Congress failed to pass legislation allowing government control over large-scale taxpayer-funded spending projects, the unemployment rate would rise to 8.8% by this month. Congress enacted such legislation, but since then the unemployment rate has risen to 9.4%, indicating the $787 billion stimulus bill was not worth the cost.

Disappointed by his government’s failure to accurately predict the economic results of its own programs, President Obama rejected a return to capitalism and instead announced his appointment of yet another cabinet member.

“Although I’ve created a variety of ‘czars,’ from car czars to corporate payment czars,” Obama told reporters, “they haven’t been able to agree on how best to produce the jobs America needs. I need someone to manage inter-czar disputes, and who better to do that than the mystic Grigori Rasputin, famed psychic counselor to Czar Nicholas II.”

“Mr. Rasputin did an excellent job stemming the uncontrolled bleeding of the hemopheliac son of a Russian monarch,” said Obama, “and I’m confident he can also help stem massive job losses in the U.S. economy.”

While critics say no group of government regulators could ever reproduce the efficient allocation of jobs and resources that result from a free market in which millions of unique individuals engage in mutually beneficial and voluntary transactions, Obama predicted such critics would come around “once they gaze into Rasputin’s freaky deaky, all-seeing eyes.”

Insiders said Rasuptin has already discerned that Obama's policies have "saved" 150,000 jobs that would have otherwise been lost. When asked how the number of jobs "saved" could ever be verified, administration sources said the figure was derived from "macroeconomic estimates provided by the Ouija Board of Economic Statistics."

Associated materials: http://otrans.3cdn.net/45593e8ecbd339d074_l3m6bt1te.pdf; http://michaelscomments.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/stimulus-vs-unemployment-may2.gif; http://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.nr0.htm; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124451592762396883.html; http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Obama-repackages-stimulus-apf-15470798.html; http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1466397368167658753&ei=wtYtSuHCM4nKqgKDnbW0Cg&q=%22commanding+heights%22+hayek&hl=en; associated video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJu0DgpiK8c&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fpajamasmedia%2Ecom%2Finstapundit%2F&feature=player_embedded

The Plan

Associated article: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123604419092515347.html?mod=rss_opinion_main