Man in Obama T-Shirt Robs Bank Unnoticed

New Rochelle, New York--Over a dozen bank customers watched nonchalantly as a teller handed over hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash to a man wearing an Obama t-shirt.

When asked why by local police, the teller said "It's gotten to the point where I didn't think anything of it. Of course someone associated with the Obama campaign is going to demand hundreds of thousands of dollars in other people's money."

The responses of other witnesses were much the same.

"With government takeovers of health care, home loans, banks, and energy," said one customer, "I just assumed along with everyone else that a guy with an Obama t-shirt wanted lots of taxpayer money, and they were going to do whatever it took to get it."

The man in the t-shirt was quickly apprehended, after which he told police "I didn't say anything to the teller. She just handed me the money and I took it."

"I'm used to the Obama shirt giving me a kind of moral authority like that," he said.

Associated articles: Washington Examiner; Wall Street Journal; Washington Post

Congress Requires 20% Gratuity for Taxpayers of Eight or More

Washington, D.C.--President Obama signed federal legislation yesterday, passed by the lame duck Democrat-controlled Congress, that requires a 20% gratuity from taxpayers of eight or more.

The Obama Administration and the Democrat-controlled Congress have long expressed its frustration that Americans have been insufficiently grateful for the massive new government programs they recently enacted, but this is the first time the law has been codified to correct that perceived inadequacy.

At the signing ceremony, Obama said "It's just not fair that subjective assessments of the government's performance can leave millions of federal bureaucrats without the compensation they deserve for their service."

Congressional Democrats said the gratuity mandate was necessary because "in a country of over 300 million people, it's just too hard for citizens in large groups to avoid their fiscal responsibility."

It's a Tax! (Obama vs. Admiral Ackbar)

"Small Businesses" Added to "The Rich" on White House Mess Menu

Associated articles: Daily Caller; Associated Press; Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal 1; Washington Post; CNN; The American; Tax Foundation

Government Report: Every American Adds $30,000 a Year to Deficit

Washington, D.C.--The federal government issued a blockbuster report today that concludes the average American adds $30,000 to the deficit.

The report was released at a press conference held by the chairman of the House tax committee, who said "The shocking data in this report show that the average American makes around $30,000 a year that doesn't go to the federal government in taxes. That means each American -- by keeping their own money -- costs the government $30,000 a year and adds the same amount to the federal deficit."

Other officials involved in the drafting of the report said it should serve as a "wake-up call" to the nation and spur the federal government to raise taxes even more "to close the loophole that currently lets people deny other Americans the benefits of yet more government programs."

Obama Administration Debuts New Social Engineering Site Taxbasebook.com

Washington, D.C.--The Obama White House today announced the debut of a new "social engineering" website called Taxbasebook through which the federal government could monitor private citizens' every move and craft regulatory policies accordingly.

"We're already seeing lots of updates from people saying how much they're enjoying the latest Starbucks latte," said one administration official, "so we're sending proposed latte tax legislation to Congress."

A White House spokesman said that on Taxbasebook, unlike Facebook, there won't be an option to deny a friendship request from the government, and accepting a Taxbasebook friend request will allow the Obama Administration to share members' personal information with the IRS, the Census Bureau, and the Department of Health and Human Services, and to more efficiently announce tax rate increases to the Taxbasebook community.

"It's weird that everyone's pictures are tagged Sucka," said one new Taxbasebook member, "but I'm looking forward to getting to know all my new 3,042,965 federal bureaucrat Taxbasbook friends."

Tax Bills to Be Written In Pirate-Speak for Greater Clarity

Joe's Plumbing Service Finds Loads of Unpleasantness in White House Communications Office

Washington, D.C.--In 2008, candidate Barack Obama promised "Joe the Plumber" that a President Obama would not raise taxes on households making less than $250,ooo a year.

But just over a year into the Obama Presidency, Joe's Plumbing service found that the White House communications office is "full of poo poo" after President Obama said he was "agnostic" on whether that promise should be kept.

Associated articles: New York Post; Business Week; associated video: Obama campaign promise

Democratic Speaker of the House Pelosi Discusses Tax Policy in Twilight Zone

Fair Share

Associated articles: http://thehill.com/leading-the-news/obamas-tax-reckoning-2009-04-14.html; http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/04/15/walker.tax.debt/index.html; http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D97MDHAG0&show_article=1; http://www.cbo.gov/doc.cfm?index=10014; associated video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gv4OeKmWjOI