Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Dude Emerges as the Year's Most Popular Commencement Speaker

Los Angeles, California--With a dismal economy and 17% youth unemployment, but also the promise of ever-expanding welfare and bailout programs, the Dude, popularized in the 1998 film "The Big Lebowski," has become the most popular commencement speaker at college campuses across the country.

At a recent speech in Los Angeles, following an introduction by the dean, the Dude made the following remarks, which have been edited for print:

Thanks, man. But nobody calls me Lebowski. I'm the Dude, man. Today, like, the Big Lebowski's the Prude, man. You know, the President, and I'm really thinking he has us covered.

The revolution's just begun, man. The bums won. No jobs, man!

And the Prude's doubling down on bailouts of mortgages signed by people who knew they couldn't afford them. You know what that means? The Prude's done what Walter never could, man. He's doing the handoff, the double back, grab the taxpayer and tax it out of him, man. Now, you know, every time a rug is micturated upon, the square community has to compensate the owner!

So go ahead and pee on your own rug, man. The government will pay for a new one. All this bailout stuff really ties the system together, man.

And that Speaker Lady of the House, you know, she said that health care law is -- and I'm reading this here, it's a quote, man -- she says it's an "entrepreneurial bill" that "says to someone, if you want to be creative and be a musician or whatever, you can leave your work, focus on your talent, your skill, your passion, your aspirations because you will have health care." Roll with that. Heck, bowl with that, man! Every day is Shabbos! Mark it zero, man, and you still win!

And, uh, thanks for the White Russian.

Associated video: CNS News; associated articles: Wall Street Journal; AEI charts

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