Friday, June 12, 2009

In Televised Debate, Obama Deftly Confronts Straw Men, Explains Phantom Baseline By Which Administration Policies Should Be Judged

Washington, D.C.--President Obama laid down a gauntlet last night, agreeing for the first time to a face-to-face televised debate with the various straw men he says have unfairly criticized his policies.

Following Obama’s explanation that the baseline for expected budget savings should be the costs of war efforts no one suggested funding, he opened yesterday’s debate by explaining how the fairness of his proposals should be measured against a phantom baseline of terrifying government policies no one’s ever proposed.

“Some say I acted unfairly by forcing auto company bondholders to accept equity stakes of just 9% while granting 20% to the unions whose overly generous wage and benefits programs helped drive the companies to bankruptcy,” said Obama. “But I think the American people will understand the choice I made was the only one consitent with our values, considering the alternative was making auto company stakeholders eat syringes.”

In a largely one-sided exchange of ideas, the straw men reiterated their usual arguments, saying “We should just to do nothing,” “We can address these issues with half-steps and piecemeal measures,” and “While our opponent chooses unity and hope, we support road rage and peach phobias."

Obama took the offensive to thunderous applause, stating “I reject the philosophy that says every problem can be solved if only the government flooded houses with molasses.”

Finally, the president offered an emphatic retort to end the debate. “No longer,” he said, “will we accept the notion that hate and fear can fulfill all our nation’s energy needs.”

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