Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Cap-and-Trade Bill Expanded to Develop Markets in Household Radical Environmentalists

Washington, D.C.--Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA), the Chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, announced his support yesterday for legislation that would expand the so-called "cap and trade" program designed to limit emissions that contribute to global warming.

The cap and trade program works by capping the total amount of pollutants all companies can emit and creating a market in tradable credits those companies can use to allocate how much pollution each company can produce.

Explaining the new program, Waxman said "With growing evidence that the theory of human-caused global warming cannot be substantiated, it's becoming much more difficult to justify the cap and trade program. To maintain the environmental hysteria that program's based on, Congress needs to create a market for environmental ideologues who will harass, needle, and otherwise cajole people into taking actions that can't be justified by science.”

Under the new program, environmental ideologues would be regulated nationwide in a way that distributes them more evenly throughout society. Households with more than a critical mass of such ideologues would be able to trade them to others who need to be pressured into reducing their own carbon footprints.

"My sister rarely showers or shaves to save energy," said one brother grateful for the new program. "She even makes us wash out and reuse the plastic bags for picking up after the dog. Now I can send her off to the family down the street in exchange for their son because the government says they don’t use enough public transportation."

Another man looking forward to the program complained that his roommate "guilted us into buying reusable bamboo underwear. Now we'll get to trade him for someone who’ll just make us use florescent light bulbs.”

Waxman said the program was needed to spread unnecessary sacrifices more efficiently. “We've already passed a cap and trade regime that will dramatically increase utility costs for all consumers,” he told reporters. “What I'm proposing today is the creation of a program that will lower the costs of fanatical Pollyanna’s for others.”

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