After Hundreds of Thousands Gather on National Mall to Support Personal Responsibility, Two Guys Gather on Couch to Support Free Stuff

Rochester, New York--Al Burg and Joe Pinny were so outraged after watching hundreds of thousands of people -- many of them religious -- gather on the National Mall to support individual liberty, personal responsibility, and limited government, the two of them decided to gather on the couch again the next day as part of a counter-rally in support of free stuff paid for by other people.

"All those folks who traveled long distances with their families to stand in the hot summer sun and gather together in support of things like honor and dignity are a direct affront to the principles of whiny ass-sitting," said Al. "So Joe and I found a Sharpie marker behind a cushion, wrote 'Free Stuff' on the back of a pizza box we found on the floor, and hung out some more on the couch."

"This was a great day," said Joe following the rally. "There was a Green Acres marathon on TV Land."

Associated images: BBC; associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Daily Caller; associated video: Uncommon Knowledge

Levi Johnston to Star in Reality Show Depicting Life as a Bottom-Feeding Parasite

Associated video: Politico

Both Parties Claim to Have Best Plan for Evacuating the Country

Littlehaven, South Dakota--With the Federal Reserve warning the U.S. economy is weakening, the percentage of gross domestic product that constitutes debt growing rapidly larger, Social Security Trustees saying the program will pay out more in benefits than it collects in taxes the next couple years, businesses unwilling to hire due to fear of massive energy costs under burdensome regulations, the Medicare Actuary saying the new health care law will actually increase health care costs, and the Association of American Medical Colleges' predicting a shortage of 160,000 doctors within 15 years, Republican and Democratic candidates for Congress are debating which party has the best plan for evacuating the country.

In a joint statement, spokespeople for both parties said "We agree with the American people that our top priority should be a quick, efficient means of egress from land within the jurisdiction of the federal government, and we pledge to move forward together in a bipartisan plan for mass exodus."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Economics 21

NASA Teams with Online Dating Services to Find Extraterrestrial Sugar Daddy

Cape Canaveral, Florida--With China and other countries becoming increasingly reluctant to loan money to the United States, NASA has teamed up with Match.com and other prominent dating services to find an "extraterrestrial sugar daddy" who might pay for the governmental excesses of the U.S. government.

One of the solicitations being beamed into space reads "Nation on young, vibrant planet with a mid-sized midriff but a 7,000 degree core, iron-rich with very little sulfer content -- seeks mature, powerful sugar daddy to pay massive government tabs."

NASA scientists were excited by the responses received so far, one of which -- sent under the sexy nickname "Devourer of Worlds" -- reads "Big Bang veteran with galactic appetite for fun and planetary resources is intrigued by your planet profile. Respond to my personal aide Silver Surfer if interested."

"This is all very, very exciting," said one White House official.

Racism Vision Specs

Associated articles: Politico; National Review; Charles Krauthammer; McClatchy; Washington Post; Daily Caller; McClatchy 1

U.S. Presidents on Debt (click image to enlarge)

Associated article: National Review and CBO

Government Prepares Giant Detention Rooms as President Obams Sends Detention Notes to Millions of Inattentive Americans

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba--As President Obama's approval ratings have sunk in the polls, the nation's schoolmarm-in-chief has ordered that millions of detention notes be sent to inattentive Americans "who just aren't getting what I'm saying."

A White House spokesman confirmed that existing detention centers were being retrofitted with brightly colored school desks for detention sessions that should last "an hour or so" as necessary.

President Obama, clearly frustrated by the majority of Americans' failure to appreciate his intellectual brilliance, "just wants Americans to do some thinking about how they can help President Obama help them."

Headlines (click image to enlarge)

Members of Congress to Spend Recess in Constituent-Proof Bunker

Washington, D.C.--Starting over a year ago, Members of Congress have been planning to implement what they call the "constituency contingency" in the form of a giant underground bunker designed to seal them off from public criticism during the August congressional recess.

"Widespread unrest regarding federal spending, the national debt, and a host of other issues have sucked up so much of the oxygen in today's public debate," said one Democrat, "that we had to create our own supply in a secure bunker."

The bunker will lie under twelve feet of concrete, more than enough to muffle the sounds of marches.

Big Government Politicians Concerned with Latest Fashion Trend

by gustof

New York, New York--The American fashion scene is abuzz with the latest design trend reflecting a hip new interest in the Constitution's limited government principles.

The latest designs floated like a bold armada into a recent show in New York, where the fashions displayed a "Don't Treat on Me" attitude.

Felt three-cornered hats, horsehair wigs, closely-cut knee-length coats, and narrow-fit shoulders and sleeves complemented waistcoats, breeches, and cotton stockings in a retro celebration of independent spirit.

This columnist notes that in addition to the usual fashionistas who appear along the runway, this year's attendees included an array of Democratic Party campaign consultants who watched in horror as the Spirit of 1776 seemed to possess their dreams of a more socially engineered scene.

This critic left the show ready to rock and revolt and feeling like a Hessian. (Can't argue with the gift bag, either, which contained pocket versions of America's founding documents and a paperback edition of the Federalist Papers.)

Government Report: Every American Adds $30,000 a Year to Deficit

Washington, D.C.--The federal government issued a blockbuster report today that concludes the average American adds $30,000 to the deficit.

The report was released at a press conference held by the chairman of the House tax committee, who said "The shocking data in this report show that the average American makes around $30,000 a year that doesn't go to the federal government in taxes. That means each American -- by keeping their own money -- costs the government $30,000 a year and adds the same amount to the federal deficit."

Other officials involved in the drafting of the report said it should serve as a "wake-up call" to the nation and spur the federal government to raise taxes even more "to close the loophole that currently lets people deny other Americans the benefits of yet more government programs."

Police Raid White House "Double Down" Gambling Operation

Associated articles: New York Post; Associated Press

White House Considers Instituting Draft, Instant Replay

Washington, D.C.--In the midst of a depressed economy, President Obama has played far more rounds of golf halfway into his second term than his predecessor did in eight years, and Obama has hosted more than 45 sports-related events. Now the White House is considering instituting the draft and instant replay.

"The president plays regulary with sports superstars like LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, and Magic Johnson," said one administration official. "If the White House team is to remain competitive, it only makes sense to draft the best players."

In just one recent weekend, Obama golfed, played basketball with NBA players, and celebrated with the NFL Champion New Orleans Saints.

"With so much going on," said another official, "we need to consider instant replay so we have the ability to slow down the action when we need to."

Associated article: Washington Post

Local Small Business Owners Featured on Special "Economic Uncertainty" Edition of Hoarders

Washington, D.C.--Beth Capps and Judy Freelander are two of several local small business owners to be featured in the latest season of the popular television show "Hoarders," which features the plight of victims of obsessive pack-rat habits.

The idea behind the new segments came from recent economic trends in which businesses have cash on hand, but more and more are saving that money instead of using it to hire workers because they fear rising health care and energy costs, higher taxes, and other items on the Democrats' agenda.

"It all began in early 2009," said Beth. We were watching President Obama's inauguration speech, and we realized the massive government programs he was outlining meant we couldn't risk parting with our cash any longer."

Judy said her daughter would come visit the shop and offer to help clean out some of the unsightly wads of dollars that were clogging her hallways, "but I told her no, because I might need that some day to pay much higher costs of doing business."

A spokesman for the A&E Network, which airs the program, said pending energy legislation and the already enacted government-run health care law "bode well for many more episodes of Hoarders: Small Business."

Markets Jittery as Federal Reserve Chairman Tells Congress He Has the Right to Remain Silent

Associated article: CNN Money

Thousands of Class Warfare Documents Leaked

Washington, D.C.--The Obama Administration braced for the release yesterday of thousands of class warfare documents covering its aggressive efforts to pit working Americans against the small and large business owners that provide most of the jobs in the United States.

Analysts reviewing the documents said the massive compendium of internal reports "show a clear intent to raise tax brackets and the capital gains tax rate to 20 percent, penalizing work, saving, and investment and producing lower economic growth that will negatively effect everyone, regardless of income."

The leaked documents detail a failed effort to blame the current recession on tax cuts enacted five years before any economic downturn began and they reveal a "failed strategy based on the misguided premise that letting tax cuts for small and large businesses expire won't hurt economic growth."

Associated article: CATO Institute

Congress Called Into Rare Summer-time Emergency Session to Protect Representatives from Their Constituents

Washington, D.C.--Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has called the House of Representatives into a rare "emergency session" to protect Democratic Representatives from their angry constituents amidst steep increases in both public debt and private employment.

Hunkered deep within the well of the Chamber, Democratic Members received hard hats and emergency preparedness training that included instructions to refrain from touting their legislative accomplishments, which now include yet another bailout bill aimed at protecting the jobs of public sector employees.

Associated articles: Los Angeles Times; Washington Examiner; Washington Post

Democrats Say Government Waste Can Be Paid for by Broadcasting the Horrific Spectacle on Pay-Per-View

Washington, D.C.--Democrats are hoping to recoup at least some of the billions of dollars wasted on failed government spending projects by "broadcasting the horrific spectacle on pay-per-view."

"People pay to watch wrestling and brutal extreme fighting events," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Why not the epic destruction of their own hard-earned money?"

Preparations are already being made to simulcast Congressional debate on spending measures along with graphic depictions of their predictable, catastrophic results.

"Who wouldn't want to watch massive federal spending on a bridge to a sports stadium for the study of the effects of cocaine on monkeys and the impact of radioactive rabbit droppings on the sex lives of salmon, the nun moth, and freshmen women at Syracuse University? That's so whacked!"

One Republican Congressman said the pay-per-view proposal was yet another government boondoggle doomed to fail, saying "The government should put things on pay-per-view that people would actually pay to watch, like the execution of vicious murders, with the money being used to fund their interminable death penalty appeals."

Associated articles: CNS News; Civitas Institute; Senate Republicans; Fact Check

Super Nanny Takes Charge of Nanny State

Washington, D.C.--Celebrity parenting expert "Super Nanny" made an appearance in the nation's capital, by popular demand, in an attempt to impose some discipline on what has become an incompetently-run attempt at unprecedented top-down control of America's electorate.

In the morning, Super Nanny was seen scolding House Speaker Nancy Pelosi for selectively ignoring rules that require new government programs to paid for before they pass. "You must not deviate from the prescribed routine," she said, "lest you lose all credibility with the electorate you're trying to nanny!"

At one point during the afternoon, Super Nanny bent down next to President Obama, who's violated a host of campaign promises, and looked him sternly in the eye. "Never say anything you are not willing to follow through with!" she said.

And by the evening, she was seen with Senator Patrick Leahy, Democratic Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee who recently admitted he had not read the newly-enacted financial services bill that shields the Securities and Exchange Commission from public requests for information. "Choose your words carefully!" she barked.

Before leaving Capitol Hill, the renowned discipline instructor told reporters that most of the current Congress was due for a "time out" -- two years for House Members, and six for Senators, who "tend to be a bit more pompous in their misbehavior."

Judge Holds Divorcing Constitution is a Fundamental Right

San Francisco, California--A federal judge in California yesterday held that love is so integral to human happiness that it was his and other judges' "fundamental right" to end their fidelity to the rule of law by divorcing the U.S. Constitution.

"Although our nation's founding document leaves it to legislatures to determine marriage policy, I find that I've lost my love for that old rag of shriveled parchment that says the same thing over and over and over again," wrote the judge in his path-breaking opinion. "I really can't stand to look at it anymore."

"Something as vital as love transcends voters and legislators," the judge concluded. "And no rational reason can allow statutory law enacted by duly-elected representatives within their constitutional authority -- or the people themselves -- to dictate my and other judges' most personal allegiances."

Activist jurists nationwide celebrated the decision.

"For so long, I've been held back by the demands of the Constitution and the larger society," said one judge. "Now, finally, I and other judges are free to decide for ourselves to what we owe our fidelity."

Associated article: Jonathan Rauch

Most Accurate Chart of ObamaCare Law is a Self-Replicating Virus

Washington, D.C.--The most accurate chart showing how the ObamaCare law will operate, once it goes into full effect, is making the rounds on the Internet, but users are warned that it contains several self-replicating viruses by design.

According to the Congressional Research Service, the ObamaCare law is worded so vaguely that the number of agencies, boards, and commissions it creates is "impossible" to estimate, a true count is "unknowable," and in some cases the law's provisions may spawn an "indeterminate number of new organizations."

Consequently, the most accurate depiction of how the ObamaCare law will operate contains not only a dizzying and chaotic array of bureaucratic organizational connections, but also several self-replicating viruses that will continue to grow uncontrollably until the system crashes.

Associated article: Politico

Swamp in U.S. Congress Declared Federally Protected Wetland

Washington, D.C.--The swamp that is the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives was declared a federally-protected wetland today, giving former House Democrat tax committee chairman Charlie Rangel and Democratic Rep. Maxine Waters an additional defense in their fight against pending ethics charges.

Rangel's lawyers -- who are currently challenging claims that include failure to disclose assets and income, nonpayment of taxes, and doing legislative favors for donors to a college center named after him -- welcomed the official designation of Congress as a swamp, saying "The new federal protections now prevent any moral and ethical development from encroaching on the natural habitat of corrupt representatives."

Lawyers for Waters -- who are defending her against claims she steered taxpayer funds to a bank to which she had personal and financial ties -- also haled the federal designation, saying it would "help protect career politicians from the ravages of public scrutiny."

Associated articles: Associated Press; Washington Post

Radical Islamic Cleric Revises Fatwa to Apply to "Less Freedom-Loving U.S."

Yemen--A prominent radical Islamic cleric who had previously issued a fatwa declaring war against the "freedom-loving bastion of liberty that is the U.S. government" revised his fatwa yesterday. It now applies to the "kind-of-more-socialistic enclave of intrusive state-run programs that is the U.S. government."

The cleric said the revised fatwa was necessary because the character of the U.S. has changed so much in the last couple of years that his "terrorist followers were becoming confused as to what is the target of their religiously-motivated hatred."

Radical Islamic officials said the U.S. "still has a free-enough feel to it" to justify "really disliking the U.S." but the clarifications to the fatwa were necessary because "some terrorists were thinking the fatwa maybe applied to China, where tax rates are going down and free enterprise is increasingly encouraged."

Obama Administration Debuts New Social Engineering Site Taxbasebook.com

Washington, D.C.--The Obama White House today announced the debut of a new "social engineering" website called Taxbasebook through which the federal government could monitor private citizens' every move and craft regulatory policies accordingly.

"We're already seeing lots of updates from people saying how much they're enjoying the latest Starbucks latte," said one administration official, "so we're sending proposed latte tax legislation to Congress."

A White House spokesman said that on Taxbasebook, unlike Facebook, there won't be an option to deny a friendship request from the government, and accepting a Taxbasebook friend request will allow the Obama Administration to share members' personal information with the IRS, the Census Bureau, and the Department of Health and Human Services, and to more efficiently announce tax rate increases to the Taxbasebook community.

"It's weird that everyone's pictures are tagged Sucka," said one new Taxbasebook member, "but I'm looking forward to getting to know all my new 3,042,965 federal bureaucrat Taxbasbook friends."

Obama Faces Jilted Voters on Raucous Jerry Springer Show

Chicago, Illinois--Just days after appearing on ABC's talk show "The View," President Obama continued his trash TV tour by appearing on the Jerry Springer Show, where he was confronted by his own jilted voters.

"You told me hope and change, hope and change!" screamed one disgusted supporter, pointing to another woman offstage. "But you never told me about her!"

"Nancy gave me what I needed!" said Obama. "Where were you when I wanted to dedicate one-sixth of the economy to government control?"

The audience was whipped into a frenzy when the Speaker of the House stormed onstage and began pulling other voters' hair. According to one audience member, "When security tried to separate them, Speaker Pelosi yelled something about how she has the constitutional authority to make people buy better weaves."

White House Aide: "I Think We Need to Put the Post-it Closer to the Center of the Mirror"

Why Businesses Aren't Hiring (click image to enlarge)

Associated articles: Heritage Foundation; Wall Street Journal

Younger Voters and the Political Circus

Obama "Invigorated" Following Latest Vacation in La La Land

Washington, D.C.--White House officials said President Obama was "invigorated" following his latest vacation in La La Land, a favorite get-away for the cerebral chief federal executive.

"Few things recharge the president's batteries like visions of cash growing on trees and the smell of newly-printed money," said the White House press secretary.

The La La Land Chamber of Pipedreams reiterated its pleasure with Obama's latest stay in the favorite destination of utopian dreamers.

"Tourism was down over the last many years, and lots of European leaders now prefer to stay grounded in the reality of their own country's economic circumstances" said a Chamber official. "But things are finally picking up now that the leader of the free world is becoming a regular vacationer here."

Results of White House Dog Sanctions Policy Similar to Iran Sanctions Policy

Washington, D.C.--The Obama Administration acknowledged today that its sanctions policy regarding the White House dog Bo was yielding results similar to its sanctions policy regarding Iran. But administration officials said they remain determined to "send an unmistakable message" to the unruly dog after he left another unfortunate gift on the Yellow Room dining table.

"This misplaced duty on the part of one rogue hound," said Obama, "will be met with the resolute fulfillment of my responsibility to use every diplomatic resource I have to help ensure we achieve meaningful domestic relations. I can assure everyone that these discussions will continue until a lasting agreement is achieved that is accommodating to all concerned."

Bo reacted to the President's remarks by chewing on the drapes, then urinating on an antique sofa leg.

Associated articles: Krauthammer; Foreign Policy

Keith Olbermann Show Needs "Whacked-Checker" (click image to enlarge)

Associated website: Olbermann Watch

NAACP Hosts National Race Card Tournament

Baltimore, Maryland--The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) gathered the nation's leading exploiters of decades-old American history for this year's National Race Card Tournament in Baltimore, Maryland.

"We've brought together some of the best race card players the country has to offer," said one event organizer, "including Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and a number of Members of Congress."

This year's players are competing for the chance to smear as racists anyone associated with a loosely-organized Tea Party coalition consisting of a wide cross-section of the American public dedicated to reducing the massive federal debt and preserving individual freedom from government control.

"I'm in it to win it," said one member of the Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP, which recently called for Hallmark to recall a talking space-based graduation card because they heard its reference to "black holes" as "black whores."

Already one player has been disqualified from the competition for trying to play the race card against the "CP" in the NAACP's own name.

Associated video: ABC News; associated articles: Kansas City Star; Politico; Thomas Sowell; UK Telegraph; Washington Post; Wall Street Journal

Obama's Pick to Head Medicare and Medicaid Updates Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations

Associated articles: Daily Caller; Wall Street Journal; New York Times

What Do YOU Think? (click image to enlarge)

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Fox Business

Guest Columnist: The Solution to All Our Problems Lies in Jon Stewart's Snarky Facial Expressions

by Ed Tang, media columnist

Many people get their news from The Daily Show, hosted by leftist comedian Jon Stewart. His snarky, sarcastic commentary frames the debate surrounding the most important issues of the day and relentlessly parodies the official response to major crises.

But if you look closely, you'll find that every weeknight you're looking not just at a skilled leftist comedian. You're looking right in the face of the solution to all our nation's problems without even realizing it. That face is Jon Stewart's.

As liberals, emotion guides public policy, and there is much emotion in Stewart's multifaceted visage. The expressions that punctuate every punchline brim with protean wisdom. If his quips describe the problem, then his snarky expressions must define the solution.

How to provide cheap and efficient energy to improve the lives of individuals and their families? The answer lies is a downturned nose and raised eyebrows. How to ensure maximum choice in health care options? Look no further than the touch of a hand to an impish smirk. The perils to avoid? These are mapped in an elaborate rubbing of hands and intertwining of fingers.

If we look to comedians to frame the issues of the day, we must look at them closely enough to discern the solutions we need. If America's utopians were ever to craft a platform for change, let it be the indelible image of Stewart's furrowed brow.

Associated article: Politfact

White House Says "Since Congress Passed the Giant Spending Bill, Not One Dinosaur Has Returned to Ravage the Earth"

Washington, D.C.--While the White House had promised that if Congress passed its $787 billion spending bill, unemployment would not rise above 8%, unemployment has risen to ten percent even after Congress passed the massive spending bill, a rise much higher than the White House predicted would happen if Congress had done nothing at all. Still, President Obama assured the nation yesterday that, were it not for the giant spending legislation, "We could have seen dinosaurs roaming the earth once again."

Administration officials said that "While we could have experienced a resurgence of the dreaded Velociraptor and other meat-eating dinosaur populations, we have yet to see the reappearance of even a single plant-eating Europasaurus."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Hot Air

Obama Sign Language

Social Worker: "Beheading Can Make It Difficult to Connect with Terrorist Clients"

by Stan Tebbits, social worker

As one of the many social workers deployed to engage the extremists that deputy national security adviser for counterterrorism and homeland security John Brennan said are victims of "social forces," I know how difficult it is to convince bloodthirsty religiously-motivated mass murders determined to impose a worldwide theocracy that they are the victims of low self-esteem. But such is Mr. Brennan's noble charge to us.

I strive daily to help such clients overcome the addictions poverty brings. I've had clients even bring their improvised explosive devices to counseling sessions. But sometimes all they need is someone who will stay silent and listen, a breakthrough often achieved once their knives have cut past your trachea. Such meetings can often be emotional, so keep a box of Kleenex handy next to the tourniquet.

As John Brennan reminds us, the United States is not at war with terrorism because terrorism is only a "tactic," not an enemy. Similarly, beheadings can often be an elaborate "head fake" used by insecure clients to distract you from their true needs. Try to see through that, as spasmodic eye movements can occur for a short time following decapitation.

Finally, let your clients know they are not alone, and that there are hundreds of thousands others like them who are willing to assist them.

Associated articles: Krauthammer; Washington Times

White House: "Regulations Are Necessary to Save the Environmentalists"

Gulf Coast, Louisiana--To help clean up the Gulf oil spill, the Dutch offered to send specialized skimmer boats that suck up huge quantities of oil, extract the vast majority of it, and then discharge overboard nearly oil-free water. But the Obama Administration rejected the offer by refusing to waive regulations that require that only 99.9985 percent pure water be discharged into the Gulf. The result was that, rather than skimming up most of the oil, all of the oil was left in the Gulf.

The Obama Administration finally relented in part and accepted the Dutch offer of their cleaning equipment, but rather than allow Dutch crews experienced in the operation of the technology to operate it, the Obama Administration required that the technology be retrofitted to U.S. vessels to appease U.S. labor unions.

White House officials defended these decisions by clarifying that "The purpose of the regulations isn't to protect the environment, but to protect environmentalists and labor unions."

Associated article: Financial Post

Obama Blames Current Problems on Founding Fathers

Shiftown, Arkansas--President Obama spoke to a crowd of supporters today and took the opportunity to explain the context of the crises he faces as the nation's leader.

"People are saying 'where's the change, where's the change?' Now, I've only been in office for a year and half," Obama told the audience. "When I came to the White House, the Constitution already existed. All these separations of powers, the cozy relationship between people who want certain products and those who supply them in a free enterprise system under a limited government, all that was in place when I got here."

"Every day, we're making progress," he continued, "but I have to tell you, the influence of the guys who wrote the Constitution became entrenched, not on my watch, but well before I was even born. It's going to take some time to undo all that."

Associated article: Washington Examiner

Concerns Raised As Large Amounts of Stimulus Money Go to "Security System" for Altoona, Kansas Library

Declaration of Independence Disclaimer (click image to enlarge)

Obama Tattoo Coverup Suggestion

As Political Compromise, Democrats Propose Ignoring Both the Second and Third Amendments to the Constitution

After the Supreme Court held that the Second Amendment protects an individual's right to bear arms from government interference nationwide, anti-gun Democrats offered a political compromise in which they would agree to ignore both the Second and Third Amendments to the Constitution.

"While we recognize that the sort of strict gun control laws we support actually increase crime because they prevent law-abiding citizens from protecting themselves with guns while allowing criminals to use guns against them," said one prominent Democrat, "we still think Americans can't be trusted to exercise their constitutional right to bear arms. So we're proposing that the federal government ignore both the Second Amendment and the Third Amendment, which prevents the military from quartering troops in the houses of private citizens, so the U.S. army can protect Americans instead of Americans' defending themselves."

Democratic leaders defended their proposal by saying that "the correct policy always results from maximizing government interference, and we can do that here by ignoring not one but two parts of the Bill of Rights."

Associated video: Heartland Institute; associated articles: Washington Examiner; Daily Caller

"Living Constitution" Pronounced Dead

Washington, D.C.--After hearings were concluded on the President Obama's nomination of a new Supreme Court Justice, Juris Doctors pronounced the "Living Constitution" dead after the nation's supreme legal document failed to respond to pleas by Senators, left-wing judges, and academics for over 223 years.

"We held out hope that the parchment would give us a sign, any sign, that judges should impose their own personal views on what the Constitution should mean, based on their own contemporaneous policy preference," said one Harvard Law professor. "But the words in the Constitution just haven't budged."

Some Senators tried in vain during the hearings to articulate a plausible rationale regarding how anything resembling the "rule of law" could be upheld if the meaning of the Constitution turned on the shifting personal views of five out of nine Justices. But after hours of exhaustive blathering, they finally gave up.

Following the hearings, a candlelight vigil was held outside the National Archives, led by the Supreme Court's most prominent judicial activists.

"I feel empty inside," said one Justice, "not being able to look at that document and see myself reflected in it anymore."

A Message on the Second Amendment

Democratic Senators Impressed with Kagan's Modesty at Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings

Washington, D.C.--Elena Kagan impressed Democratic Senators with her "extreme modesty" in both dress and speaking style as she appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee for her Supreme Court confirmation hearing.

Wearing a straight jacket and mouth guard and strapped to an adjustable gurney, Kagan appeared to distance herself from a law review article she wrote previously in which she said Supreme Court Justice confirmation hearings had "taken on an air of vacuity and farce" because Senators refused to pin down nominees on their legal views and pursue a more "substantive inquiry" into the nominee's positions on particular legal issues.

Through muffled sounds, Kagan appeared to say her earlier article had been "skewed ... a little too much" in favor of candid answers, before she went silent and was wheeled away.

Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (D-VT) praised Kagan's "remarkable modesty" and said he looked forward to her release into a lifetime position at the Supreme Court.

Associated articles: Associated Press; George Will; Washington Post

Self-Interested Power Hungry Schemers Testify in Favor of Supreme Court Nominee's Fitness for Lifetime Position Rewriting Constitution

Washington, D.C.--Several self-interested power-hungry schemers testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee in favor of the nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court after the New York Times reported that Kagan "never reveal[ed] too much of herself" and "never [went] too far out on a political limb" in order to follow a "calculated path" to the High Court, which was her "goal from the very beginning."

"I think Ms. Kagan is perfect for a lifetime position in which she could rewrite the Constitution for everyone," said Rachel Horntower, a noted suck-up and coldly calculating high school senior and law-student-to-be who never answers controversial questions in class to preserve her political viability. "I've already sacrificed my childhood and growing years engaged in relentlessly ambitious scheming, and some day I, too, hope to enjoy power in proportion to that sacrifice."

Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (D-VT) praised the testimony, saying he could not think of a better person to be in a position to "crush the Constitution like a fragile bird's nest" than someone like Ms. Kagan who had "plotted and strategized their entire life to achieve vast, unchecked power."

Associated articles: New York Times 1; New York Times 2

Talks Between Obama and French President's Hand Come to Standstill

Instead of Passing Budget, Congress Passes Resolution Recognizing National Budget Week in Honor of Those Who Have Budgets

Associated articles: Politico; The Hill; Daily Caller; Associated Press