Tuesday, August 31, 2010

After Hundreds of Thousands Gather on National Mall to Support Personal Responsibility, Two Guys Gather on Couch to Support Free Stuff

Rochester, New York--Al Burg and Joe Pinny were so outraged after watching hundreds of thousands of people -- many of them religious -- gather on the National Mall to support individual liberty, personal responsibility, and limited government, the two of them decided to gather on the couch again the next day as part of a counter-rally in support of free stuff paid for by other people.

"All those folks who traveled long distances with their families to stand in the hot summer sun and gather together in support of things like honor and dignity are a direct affront to the principles of whiny ass-sitting," said Al. "So Joe and I found a Sharpie marker behind a cushion, wrote 'Free Stuff' on the back of a pizza box we found on the floor, and hung out some more on the couch."

"This was a great day," said Joe following the rally. "There was a Green Acres marathon on TV Land."

Associated images: BBC; associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Daily Caller; associated video: Uncommon Knowledge

Monday, August 30, 2010

Levi Johnston to Star in Reality Show Depicting Life as a Bottom-Feeding Parasite

Associated video: Politico

Both Parties Claim to Have Best Plan for Evacuating the Country

Littlehaven, South Dakota--With the Federal Reserve warning the U.S. economy is weakening, the percentage of gross domestic product that constitutes debt growing rapidly larger, Social Security Trustees saying the program will pay out more in benefits than it collects in taxes the next couple years, businesses unwilling to hire due to fear of massive energy costs under burdensome regulations, the Medicare Actuary saying the new health care law will actually increase health care costs, and the Association of American Medical Colleges' predicting a shortage of 160,000 doctors within 15 years, Republican and Democratic candidates for Congress are debating which party has the best plan for evacuating the country.

In a joint statement, spokespeople for both parties said "We agree with the American people that our top priority should be a quick, efficient means of egress from land within the jurisdiction of the federal government, and we pledge to move forward together in a bipartisan plan for mass exodus."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Economics 21

Friday, August 27, 2010

NASA Teams with Online Dating Services to Find Extraterrestrial Sugar Daddy

Cape Canaveral, Florida--With China and other countries becoming increasingly reluctant to loan money to the United States, NASA has teamed up with Match.com and other prominent dating services to find an "extraterrestrial sugar daddy" who might pay for the governmental excesses of the U.S. government.

One of the solicitations being beamed into space reads "Nation on young, vibrant planet with a mid-sized midriff but a 7,000 degree core, iron-rich with very little sulfer content -- seeks mature, powerful sugar daddy to pay massive government tabs."

NASA scientists were excited by the responses received so far, one of which -- sent under the sexy nickname "Devourer of Worlds" -- reads "Big Bang veteran with galactic appetite for fun and planetary resources is intrigued by your planet profile. Respond to my personal aide Silver Surfer if interested."

"This is all very, very exciting," said one White House official.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Government Prepares Giant Detention Rooms as President Obams Sends Detention Notes to Millions of Inattentive Americans

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba--As President Obama's approval ratings have sunk in the polls, the nation's schoolmarm-in-chief has ordered that millions of detention notes be sent to inattentive Americans "who just aren't getting what I'm saying."

A White House spokesman confirmed that existing detention centers were being retrofitted with brightly colored school desks for detention sessions that should last "an hour or so" as necessary.

President Obama, clearly frustrated by the majority of Americans' failure to appreciate his intellectual brilliance, "just wants Americans to do some thinking about how they can help President Obama help them."

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Members of Congress to Spend Recess in Constituent-Proof Bunker

Washington, D.C.--Starting over a year ago, Members of Congress have been planning to implement what they call the "constituency contingency" in the form of a giant underground bunker designed to seal them off from public criticism during the August congressional recess.

"Widespread unrest regarding federal spending, the national debt, and a host of other issues have sucked up so much of the oxygen in today's public debate," said one Democrat, "that we had to create our own supply in a secure bunker."

The bunker will lie under twelve feet of concrete, more than enough to muffle the sounds of marches.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Big Government Politicians Concerned with Latest Fashion Trend

by gustof

New York, New York--The American fashion scene is abuzz with the latest design trend reflecting a hip new interest in the Constitution's limited government principles.

The latest designs floated like a bold armada into a recent show in New York, where the fashions displayed a "Don't Treat on Me" attitude.

Felt three-cornered hats, horsehair wigs, closely-cut knee-length coats, and narrow-fit shoulders and sleeves complemented waistcoats, breeches, and cotton stockings in a retro celebration of independent spirit.

This columnist notes that in addition to the usual fashionistas who appear along the runway, this year's attendees included an array of Democratic Party campaign consultants who watched in horror as the Spirit of 1776 seemed to possess their dreams of a more socially engineered scene.

This critic left the show ready to rock and revolt and feeling like a Hessian. (Can't argue with the gift bag, either, which contained pocket versions of America's founding documents and a paperback edition of the Federalist Papers.)

Friday, August 13, 2010

Government Report: Every American Adds $30,000 a Year to Deficit

Washington, D.C.--The federal government issued a blockbuster report today that concludes the average American adds $30,000 to the deficit.

The report was released at a press conference held by the chairman of the House tax committee, who said "The shocking data in this report show that the average American makes around $30,000 a year that doesn't go to the federal government in taxes. That means each American -- by keeping their own money -- costs the government $30,000 a year and adds the same amount to the federal deficit."

Other officials involved in the drafting of the report said it should serve as a "wake-up call" to the nation and spur the federal government to raise taxes even more "to close the loophole that currently lets people deny other Americans the benefits of yet more government programs."

Police Raid White House "Double Down" Gambling Operation

Associated articles: New York Post; Associated Press

Thursday, August 12, 2010

White House Considers Instituting Draft, Instant Replay

Washington, D.C.--In the midst of a depressed economy, President Obama has played far more rounds of golf halfway into his second term than his predecessor did in eight years, and Obama has hosted more than 45 sports-related events. Now the White House is considering instituting the draft and instant replay.

"The president plays regulary with sports superstars like LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, and Magic Johnson," said one administration official. "If the White House team is to remain competitive, it only makes sense to draft the best players."

In just one recent weekend, Obama golfed, played basketball with NBA players, and celebrated with the NFL Champion New Orleans Saints.

"With so much going on," said another official, "we need to consider instant replay so we have the ability to slow down the action when we need to."

Associated article: Washington Post

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Local Small Business Owners Featured on Special "Economic Uncertainty" Edition of Hoarders

Washington, D.C.--Beth Capps and Judy Freelander are two of several local small business owners to be featured in the latest season of the popular television show "Hoarders," which features the plight of victims of obsessive pack-rat habits.

The idea behind the new segments came from recent economic trends in which businesses have cash on hand, but more and more are saving that money instead of using it to hire workers because they fear rising health care and energy costs, higher taxes, and other items on the Democrats' agenda.

"It all began in early 2009," said Beth. We were watching President Obama's inauguration speech, and we realized the massive government programs he was outlining meant we couldn't risk parting with our cash any longer."

Judy said her daughter would come visit the shop and offer to help clean out some of the unsightly wads of dollars that were clogging her hallways, "but I told her no, because I might need that some day to pay much higher costs of doing business."

A spokesman for the A&E Network, which airs the program, said pending energy legislation and the already enacted government-run health care law "bode well for many more episodes of Hoarders: Small Business."

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Markets Jittery as Federal Reserve Chairman Tells Congress He Has the Right to Remain Silent

Associated article: CNN Money

Thousands of Class Warfare Documents Leaked

Washington, D.C.--The Obama Administration braced for the release yesterday of thousands of class warfare documents covering its aggressive efforts to pit working Americans against the small and large business owners that provide most of the jobs in the United States.

Analysts reviewing the documents said the massive compendium of internal reports "show a clear intent to raise tax brackets and the capital gains tax rate to 20 percent, penalizing work, saving, and investment and producing lower economic growth that will negatively effect everyone, regardless of income."

The leaked documents detail a failed effort to blame the current recession on tax cuts enacted five years before any economic downturn began and they reveal a "failed strategy based on the misguided premise that letting tax cuts for small and large businesses expire won't hurt economic growth."

Associated article: CATO Institute

Congress Called Into Rare Summer-time Emergency Session to Protect Representatives from Their Constituents

Washington, D.C.--Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has called the House of Representatives into a rare "emergency session" to protect Democratic Representatives from their angry constituents amidst steep increases in both public debt and private employment.

Hunkered deep within the well of the Chamber, Democratic Members received hard hats and emergency preparedness training that included instructions to refrain from touting their legislative accomplishments, which now include yet another bailout bill aimed at protecting the jobs of public sector employees.

Associated articles: Los Angeles Times; Washington Examiner; Washington Post

Monday, August 9, 2010

Democrats Say Government Waste Can Be Paid for by Broadcasting the Horrific Spectacle on Pay-Per-View

Washington, D.C.--Democrats are hoping to recoup at least some of the billions of dollars wasted on failed government spending projects by "broadcasting the horrific spectacle on pay-per-view."

"People pay to watch wrestling and brutal extreme fighting events," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Why not the epic destruction of their own hard-earned money?"

Preparations are already being made to simulcast Congressional debate on spending measures along with graphic depictions of their predictable, catastrophic results.

"Who wouldn't want to watch massive federal spending on a bridge to a sports stadium for the study of the effects of cocaine on monkeys and the impact of radioactive rabbit droppings on the sex lives of salmon, the nun moth, and freshmen women at Syracuse University? That's so whacked!"

One Republican Congressman said the pay-per-view proposal was yet another government boondoggle doomed to fail, saying "The government should put things on pay-per-view that people would actually pay to watch, like the execution of vicious murders, with the money being used to fund their interminable death penalty appeals."

Associated articles: CNS News; Civitas Institute; Senate Republicans; Fact Check

Friday, August 6, 2010

Super Nanny Takes Charge of Nanny State

Washington, D.C.--Celebrity parenting expert "Super Nanny" made an appearance in the nation's capital, by popular demand, in an attempt to impose some discipline on what has become an incompetently-run attempt at unprecedented top-down control of America's electorate.

In the morning, Super Nanny was seen scolding House Speaker Nancy Pelosi for selectively ignoring rules that require new government programs to paid for before they pass. "You must not deviate from the prescribed routine," she said, "lest you lose all credibility with the electorate you're trying to nanny!"

At one point during the afternoon, Super Nanny bent down next to President Obama, who's violated a host of campaign promises, and looked him sternly in the eye. "Never say anything you are not willing to follow through with!" she said.

And by the evening, she was seen with Senator Patrick Leahy, Democratic Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee who recently admitted he had not read the newly-enacted financial services bill that shields the Securities and Exchange Commission from public requests for information. "Choose your words carefully!" she barked.

Before leaving Capitol Hill, the renowned discipline instructor told reporters that most of the current Congress was due for a "time out" -- two years for House Members, and six for Senators, who "tend to be a bit more pompous in their misbehavior."

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Judge Holds Divorcing Constitution is a Fundamental Right

San Francisco, California--A federal judge in California yesterday held that love is so integral to human happiness that it was his and other judges' "fundamental right" to end their fidelity to the rule of law by divorcing the U.S. Constitution.

"Although our nation's founding document leaves it to legislatures to determine marriage policy, I find that I've lost my love for that old rag of shriveled parchment that says the same thing over and over and over again," wrote the judge in his path-breaking opinion. "I really can't stand to look at it anymore."

"Something as vital as love transcends voters and legislators," the judge concluded. "And no rational reason can allow statutory law enacted by duly-elected representatives within their constitutional authority -- or the people themselves -- to dictate my and other judges' most personal allegiances."

Activist jurists nationwide celebrated the decision.

"For so long, I've been held back by the demands of the Constitution and the larger society," said one judge. "Now, finally, I and other judges are free to decide for ourselves to what we owe our fidelity."

Associated article: Jonathan Rauch

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Most Accurate Chart of ObamaCare Law is a Self-Replicating Virus

Washington, D.C.--The most accurate chart showing how the ObamaCare law will operate, once it goes into full effect, is making the rounds on the Internet, but users are warned that it contains several self-replicating viruses by design.

According to the Congressional Research Service, the ObamaCare law is worded so vaguely that the number of agencies, boards, and commissions it creates is "impossible" to estimate, a true count is "unknowable," and in some cases the law's provisions may spawn an "indeterminate number of new organizations."

Consequently, the most accurate depiction of how the ObamaCare law will operate contains not only a dizzying and chaotic array of bureaucratic organizational connections, but also several self-replicating viruses that will continue to grow uncontrollably until the system crashes.

Associated article: Politico

Monday, August 2, 2010

Swamp in U.S. Congress Declared Federally Protected Wetland

Washington, D.C.--The swamp that is the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives was declared a federally-protected wetland today, giving former House Democrat tax committee chairman Charlie Rangel and Democratic Rep. Maxine Waters an additional defense in their fight against pending ethics charges.

Rangel's lawyers -- who are currently challenging claims that include failure to disclose assets and income, nonpayment of taxes, and doing legislative favors for donors to a college center named after him -- welcomed the official designation of Congress as a swamp, saying "The new federal protections now prevent any moral and ethical development from encroaching on the natural habitat of corrupt representatives."

Lawyers for Waters -- who are defending her against claims she steered taxpayer funds to a bank to which she had personal and financial ties -- also haled the federal designation, saying it would "help protect career politicians from the ravages of public scrutiny."

Associated articles: Associated Press; Washington Post

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