Democrats Overwhelmingly Renew PATRIOT Act with No Changes So They Can Complain About It Another Year

Associated article: Washington Post

Obama Seeks to Insure the Unsure Along with the Uninsured

Washington, D.C.--Recognizing that the vast majority of Americans like their current health insurance and are worried a government-run health insurance program would throw their coverage and health care choices into uncertainty, President Obama today vowed to press for federal legislation to "cover the unsure as well as the uninsured."

"I realize that many are concerned about the unknown consequences of a government takeover of health care," said Obama. "Consequently, I am proposing today that federal taxpayer dollars be committed to insuring the unsure in the event my proposals make them worse off."

Administration officials said that under the President's plan, "No longer will anyone have to worry about the adverse consequences of expansive government, since those risks will be backed by the taxpayer." They also stressed that once Congress passes an unsure insurance program, "it would clear the way for passage of many other economic experiments."

When asked about the huge costs of such an unsure insurance program, Administration officials said the proposal would be costless "because the proposed legislation would make uncertainty illegal."

Desperate to Advance His Agenda, Obama Adds Bacon to Widely Unpopular Health Care Bill

Washington, D.C.--Desperate to advance his government-run health care agenda, President Obama announced he would add bacon to the widely unpopular Senate health care bill. Obama made the announcement at a "bipartisan summit" with Congressional leaders."

"We listened to the President repeat his favorite talking points for several hours, well past lunch time," said one Republican who attended. "Then he sprang his Plan B on us. It was bacon."

Administration officials defended the surprise announcement, saying "People are mixing bacon with everything from ice cream to coffee to cereal. We weren't blindsiding anyone with gimmicks."

Some Republicans said they were annoyed by Obama's tactic of responding to every tough question posed to him at the summit by yelling "Bacon!" But a White House spokesperson said "The summit wasn't about what Republicans or Democrats want. It was about what the American people want."

Associated article: Daily Beast

Dust Mites, Obama TV Appearances Top List of Most Common Household Nuisances

Scientists Abandon Effort to Find a Grand Unified Theory of Health Care Bill Backroom Deals

Washington, D.C.--Scientists announed they have finally abandoned attempts to discover a unified theory of the federal health care legislation, saying they've concluded "it's impossible to make any coherent sense of it."

The scientists pointed to provisions that exempted Nebraskans from additional taxes, gave special protections to union health care plans, exempted Michigan's Blue Cross Blue Shield from taxes on insurers, and granted an extra $300 million to Louisiana for Medicaid, an extra $500 million to Massachusetts, and an extra $600 million to Vermont.

"This legislation appears to follow no principles of consistency or internal logic," said one scientist. "It's probably best analyzed under chaos theory."

Associated article: Politico

House Honors First Black President by Passing Legislation Creating a Race-Based Government in His Home State of Hawaii

Associated articles: National Review; Wikipedia; National Review 2; Wall Street Journal

Historians Discover Lost Letter from James Madison to Thomas Jefferson (click image to enlarge)

Obama Unveils His Future Vision of Better Health Insurance Through Price Controls

Associated article: CATO Institute

Al-Qaeda Says Five-Year Torture of Innocent Bush Administration Lawyers "Proves America is the Great Satan"

In a newly-released video, members of al-Qaeda say the five-year torture of innocent Bush Administration lawyers "proves America is the Great Satan."

The al-Qaeda members refer to a final report by a Justice Department career official who reviewed the Bush Administration lawyers' memoranda concluding that enhanced interrogation techniques used against al-Qaeda members were legal. Following a five-year investigation, the career official concluded the Bush lawyers did not violate any standards of professional conduct, contradicting the conclusions of an earlier Justice Department report the official criticized as shifting its rationales in results-oriented ways, ignoring proper procedure, and twisting legal standards.

Osama bin Laden appears in the video, saying "First the accusers said the Bush lawyers violated the federal anti-torture statute. Then they said the lawyers should be disciplined by their state bar associations. Now it turns out the lawyers didn't commit any professional misconduct or violate any Justice Department policies. The drip, drip, drip of the threats these investigations posed to innocent lawyers over five years were spearheaded by proteges of Attorney General Eric Holder and leaked to the press in vile attempts to smear the lawyers' reputations. Those grave injustices represent the evil that is the American system of politicized prosecution."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Administration Announces 5-Year Speech Production Goals

Washington, D.C.--The Obama Administration announced the launch of a "5-Year speech production plan" designed to regulate discussions according to universal principles of "productive talk."

Mark Lloyd, the Federal Communications Commission's associate general counsel and "diversity czar" who wrote in 2007 on the need to close "the gap between conservative and progressive talk radio" and praised the "incredible democratic revolution" of a Venezuelan dictator, said the plan calls for boosting "good speech product" in the U.S.

The plan also calls for the U.S. to conform to a United Nations Human Rights Council resolution -- drafted by countries with stellar free speech records like China, Cuba, and Saudi Arabia -- that calls on nations to criminalize speech certain religious and racial groups deem offensive.

Such prohibitions would trump the Constitution's First Amendment, according to the State Department's top lawyer, Harold Koh, who wrote in 2003 that the American "exceptional free-speech tradition can cause problems abroad," and called on the U.S. Supreme Court to "moderate these conflicts by applying more consistently the transnational approach to judicial interpretation" that he advocates.

Koh said the goal of reaching these speech targets within five years is ambitious, but added "Either we do it, or the forces of robust debate may crush us over the long term."

Associated article: National Journal; associated video: Brietbart

Apologies We'd Like to See

Also available on YouTube

Obama Creates Commission to Study Nation's Budget Problems; Appoints Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus to Serve as Chair and Co-Chair

Associated articles: Washington Post; National Review

John Brennan Dramatic Look

Associated article: Investor's Business Daily

Green-Friendly Rescue Subs Called in As Green-Friendly Ice Machines Yield Slush and Unprecedented Olympics Delays

Associated article: USA Today

Joe's Plumbing Service Finds Loads of Unpleasantness in White House Communications Office

Washington, D.C.--In 2008, candidate Barack Obama promised "Joe the Plumber" that a President Obama would not raise taxes on households making less than $250,ooo a year.

But just over a year into the Obama Presidency, Joe's Plumbing service found that the White House communications office is "full of poo poo" after President Obama said he was "agnostic" on whether that promise should be kept.

Associated articles: New York Post; Business Week; associated video: Obama campaign promise

Captain America vs. Cap and Trade (click on image to enlarge)

Associated articles: Daily Mail; London Times

Corrections Page

Associated articles: Daily Mail; George Will; The Guardian; Daily Telegraph

ObamaTV: Deficits Graph

Don Quixote To Head Obama Green Jobs Program After Stimulus Money to Wind Power Produces Drop in U.S. Wind Manufacturing Jobs

Associated articles: ABC News; Washington Post; Pajamas Media; Wall Street Journal; Washington Times; Oakland Tribune; NBC

Obama Audio-Animatronics Robot Meets with Republican Members of Congress at Health Care Forum

Washington, D.C.--After President Obama offered to hold a forum on health care legislation with Republicans, but refused to budge from his government-run plan, the Walt Disney Company agreed to loan their audio-animatronic Obama robot to regurgitate yet again the President's standard presentation in favor of the deeply unpopular proposal.

Associated articles: Letter from Republican Leaders; White House Blog

Sham Theory Commercial

Associated articles: Washington Examiner (global warming decreases snowstorms); TIME Magazine (global warming increases snowstorms)

Kids Time -- Ernie Teaches Cookie Monster About Hope and Political Campaigns

Al-Qaeda Leaders Charge Obama Critics with "Serving the Goals of Infidel Beasts by Distracting Them from Their March to Slaughter"

On Sunday, White House counter-terrorism chief John Brennan charged that critics who question the Obama administration's decision to grant Miranda rights to terrorists are "serving the goals of al-Qaeda."

Shortly thereafter, al-Qaeda leaders piled on, charging that critics of the Obama administration's weak national security policies are "serving the goals of infidel beasts by distracting them from their march to slaughter."

Associated article: Washington Examiner

It's Not Easy Being Green

(Video also available on YouTube if video below doesn't work: YouTube)

Reactions to Passage of Record-High Federal Debt Limit

(Video also available on YouTube at this link if video below doesn't work: YouTube)

Terrorist Interrogations Handed Over to Oprah Winfrey

Chicago, Illinois--Since officials at the Justice Department decided to interrogate a captured terrorist for less than an hour before giving him the right to remain silent following his attempt to blow up an airliner on Christmas Day, the Obama Administration has decided to turn over terrorist interrogations to Oprah Winfrey.

"Oprah's just-less-than-an-hour interview format is the right fit going forward," said one Administration official. "Plus, Oprah has just about as much expertise on al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula as the FBI officials who questioned the Christmas bomber."

Associated articles: Washington Post; National Journal; Wall Street Journal

Obama Says “You Don’t Blow a Bunch of Cash in Vegas, You Blow a Bunch of Taxes in Washington, D.C.”

Associated video: Las Vegas Mayor
Associated article: Las Vegas Now

C-Span Video: Record-Breaking Federal Budget Arrives on Capitol Hill

(Video also on YouTube if video below doesn't work.)

T-Shirt Design -- Che Viva Cluelessness

Associated article: Big Government

Obama Economic Advisers Found in Jungle Cave Thinking World War II Not Ended

Mindoro, Philippines--President Obama's team of economic advisers, including Office of Management and Budget Director Peter Orszag, were discovered in the Philippines after search teams pieced together clues from a record-breaking budget plan they left behind.

The advisers were found huddled deep inside a jungle cave believing World War II had not yet ended.

"We've known Obama's economic team has been missing in action for a long time," said one Administration official. "But we were at a loss as to their location until we discovered their plan for massive federal deficits even larger than those seen in World War II, when measured as a percentage of the economy. That's when we began looking for them in remote island caverns.

When reached for comment, Lt. Hiroo Onoda -- one of the last previously known World War II holdouts discovered hiding on Lubang Island in 1974 -- said "I'm glad they found them, but if I were you I'd leave their budget back in the cave."

Associated article: Reuters; National Review; The Hill

Osama bin Laden To Use Clean Fuels for Bombs to Eliminate Industrialized Populations, Global Warming

After Osama bin Laden, in a new audio tape, called for destroying the American economy because it was chiefly responsible for human-caused global warming, the notorious 9/11 terrorist announced he would only use clean, green-friendly fuels for his weapons of mass destruction.

"We're developing a new line of bombs based on natural gas and working to ensure our poison powders and liquids are safe for non-human animals," said an al-Qaeda spokesperson.

The green movement hailed bin Laden's new approach to terrorism as "a welcome cleaner way to destroy industrialized economies."

Associated article: Fox News

Obama Tells Supreme Court American Electorate Is Unconstitutional

Washington, D.C.--Following a defiant State of the Union Address in which he refused to deviate from a radical agenda opposed by significant majorities of the American people, President Obama told the Supreme Court "voters are unconstitutional."

A confidant Obama asked the assembled Justices "What's the point of being President if I have to answer to a Congress following the will of a bunch of other folks I have no control over? That's not the way to get things done for the American people."

The President said Article I of the Constitution created the Congress, Article II created the Presidency, and Article III created the Supreme Court. "Where's the article creating all these rabble-rousers?"

Associated materials: Thomas Sowell on Intellectuals and Society; National Review

Obama Appears in First Ever State of the Union Ad

Doubling Down and Throwing Down on Radical Agenda, Obama Challenges Voters to Year-Long Rap Battle

Washington, D.C.--President Obama delivered what appeared to be the most aggressive State of the Union Address to Congress last night in an effort to revive his flagging policy priorities.

"The President has decided to challenge the entire American electorate to a year-long rap battle," said Administration officials shortly before the President began his remarks. "He's doubling down on his over-the-top agenda that's being dissed by the American people. So at the last minute the President decided the rap battle format made the most sense."

Obama's rhetorical change of tack was apparent as soon as he began the address. "The state of the union between myself and ever-lovin' bang-tastic sweetness is 100 frickin' percent total seamless overlap," he said.

"You want to slow down, I want to throw down, dogs" rapped the Pres. "You say it's too much to do, I say ram it through."

The sing-song back-and-forth went on for just under an hour, with the President only occasionally looking over his sunglasses.

"I'm a populist pugilist, so sit back and you'll get the gist. It's my agenda, ain't no pretenda. Surrenda to da big spenda!"

Associated video: YouTube; associated article: Associated Press

Most Polarizing President Ever Joins Forces with Magneto to Reverse the Polarity of Earth’s Magnetic Field and America's Alignment

Washington, D.C.--According to the Gallup polling company, the 65 percentage-point gap between Democrats' and Republicans' average job approval rating for President Obama makes him by far the most polarizing President ever during his first year in office.

Now comes news that Obama plans to join forces with super-mutant Magneto to reverse the polarity of the Earth's magnetic field and the center-right alignment of the American electorate, throwing the country's economy into chaos.

Magneto told reporters, "My powerful magnetism, combined with the President's even more powerfully polarizing egotism, are unstoppable." Then he laughed maniacally.

At press time, MSNBC is reporting the X-Men may try to thwart Magneto's scheme by teaming up with another band of "super-mutants" called the Tea Party Patriots.

Associated articles: Gallup Poll; Gallup Poll 2; Gallup Poll 3; The Hill; Washington Post

Simulation of Christmas Bomber’s Record-Breaking Interrogation

Washington, D.C.--It's been reported that FBI agents questioned the Christmas bomber Abdulmutallab for less than an hour before he was granted his right to remain silent and provided with a lawyer, after which Abdulmutallab stopped talking and provided no more intelligence information that could be used to thwart future terrorist attacks. The White House hasn't disputed those reports, but it also hasn't been forthcoming with additional information regarding the context of Abdulmutallab's super-short questioning, which would make it the fastest ever recorded. Consequently, the Op-Toons Review is providing this simulation of the Obama Justice Department's record-breaking terrorist interrogation:

Associated articles: Krauthammer; Wall Street Journal

Bat Boy Is Source of U.N. Panel's Report on Climate Change

The United Nations' Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) recently admitted that the most alarming conclusion in its 2007 report -- the claim that the Himalayan glaciers would be melted 25 years from now -- was wrong, and that it was based on unsubstantiated news reports instead of peer-reviewed scientific studies.

One independent scientist who decided to look up the original source for the claim became suspicious when it was attributed to "Bat Boy," a half-human, half bat creature popularized by the now defunct Weekly World News.

IPCC scientists defended the error, saying "Bat Boy has huge, penetrating eyes, and he seemed to be shrieking his global warming predictions with eerie certainty. Or at least it appeared that way in the scandal rag we found waiting in a grocery checkout line."

Associated articles: The Atlantic; Technology Review; Times of London; Times of London 2; Wall Street Journal; London Telegraph; Institute of Physics; AFP; Washington Times; UK Guardian

Bo Escapes White House During Walk with Obama After Teleprompter Fails to Display "Bo Stop!"

Washington, D.C.--Bo, the Obama's pet dog, escaped the White House grounds during a walk with the President after a teleprompter failed to display the words "Bo stop!"

"The President's used these same teleprompters to sneeze, and even burp," said a White House spokesperson. "They're usually very reliable."

The White House audio-visual department blamed the mishap on "the anger resulting from the last eight years" and "Republican obstructionism."

Administration technicians are reportedly developing a backup plan in the event of future teleprompter malfunctions that involves a series of suspended mirrors and sticking yellow Post-it notes on the President's forehead.

Associated video: Mediaite; associated photo: National Review

Democrats Shocked That Supreme Court Would Rule That Groups of Individuals As Well As Individuals Have Free Speech Rights

Washington, D.C.--Just days after the Supreme Court held that corporations, nonprofit corporations, and unions could not be denied their free speech rights to engage in political advocacy during federal elections, Democrats responded angrily to the notion that "groups of individuals" as well as individuals have free speech rights.

In response to the Supreme Court's decision, Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) introduced a constitutional amendment that would strike from the nation's founding charter the term "persons" and other plural references to people.

"While it's perfectly appropriate for Members of Congress like me to be able to collect corporate contributions and use the money to air political ads in favor of our positions," said Grayson, "it's a perversion of the political process to allow individuals to combine their own financial resources and do the same."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal 2; George Will; Wall Street Journal 3; Wall Street Journal 4

America -- Duh Yeah!

Associated articles: USA Today; Washington Times; Washington Examiner; Wall Street Journal; Washington Post editorial

Bill Murray from "Groundhog Day" Reports on "Unexpected" Rise in Unemployment Following Many Previous "Unexpected" Rises

Associated articles: Associated Press; Washington Times

Kill the Bill Poster (Scott Brown ObamaCare Edition)

Blue Dog Members Alarmed by Potential Political Suicide Plot

Washington, D.C.--Conservative "Blue Dog" Democrats in the House and Senate became alarmed after full-body scans of Democratic leaders revealed a possible "political suicide" plot in the form of a rush to pass President Obama's disastrous health care legislation.

"We thought Republican Senator Scott Brown's decisive election in Massachusetts -- after he made the defeat of ObamaCare the centerpiece of his campaign -- had averted that threat," said one Blue Dog. "But now it's looking like House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid may still be hiding explosive legislative proposals in their pants."

Blue Dogs demanded an immediate investigation into how far the political suicide plot had developed.

"This is one of the greatest threats to our party in years," said one House Member. "Whether this plot is being driven by the far-left base of our party, our party leaders, or the President himself, we need to stop it!"

Associated articles: Daily Caller; ABC News

After Failed Bid to Elect Democratic Senator in Massachusetts, Obama Asked to Campaign on Behalf of Smoking in Hopes of Making It Much Less Popular

Washington, D.C.--Following his spectacularly failed attempts to win the Olympics for Chicago, a global warming treaty in Copenhagen, and a Democratic Senate seat in the overwhelmingly liberal state of Massachusetts -- where a Republican won overwhelmingly for the first time since the 1970's -- a group of anti-smoking advocacy groups asked President Obama to campaign on behalf of smoking in the hopes his association with the habit would dramatically reduce its popularity.

"The President has a knack for supporting policies that drive people away in droves," said one anti-smoking advocate. "We think it would be wonderful if he turned that talent to smoking."

Obama, himself a smoker, was urged to embrace smoking more publicly in the hopes of "negating the allure of the noxious habit."

Sample ads for the new campaign feature a smoking "Joe Bama" character -- modeled on the infamous "Joe Camel" cigarette advertisements -- and a warning label stating "Use of President Obama to Promote Your Product May Prove Hazardous to Your Product's Popularity."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Daily Beast

The Wizard of Obama

Obama Administration Officials Prepare to Question Airline Bombers After Landing

U.S. security officials knew that a person with terrorist links was aboard a plane traveling to Detroit on Christmas while it was airborne, but they failed to alert pilots and passengers on the plane, deciding instead to question the terrorist after the plane landed. As it turned out, the terrorist had explosives in his underwear, and the passengers survived his attack solely due to their own bravery and a malfunction in the bomb's detonation mechanism.

Nevertheless, following the attack, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced "the system worked."

Administration officials said they planned on questioning other suspected terrorists "when the plane they're on reaches the ground."

Associated articles: Los Angeles Times; ABC News

Obama Administration Announces Plans to "Permanently Eradicate the Scourge of Personal Responsibility"

Washington, D.C.--After the Treasury Department lifted the cap on potential losses for government-run mortgage lenders on Christmas Eve, and pledged potentially infinite taxpayer dollars to pay for the mistakes of others who agreed to government-backed mortgages they couldn't afford, the Department of Health and Human Services announced it planned to "eradicate personal responsibility forever" by producing a vaccine to permanently "suppress the desire for self-improvement and pave the way for an all-encompassing dependence on the national government."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Senate Democratic Candidate Calls Famed Red Sox World Series Pitcher a "Yankee Fan"

Associated article: Politico

Obama Supports Non-Marriage Unions

Washington, D.C.--President Obama today announced his support for "non-marriage unions" in the form of health care legislation he endorsed that contains a marriage penalty for heterosexuals and special exemptions for union members.

Under the new legislation, low- to middle-income married couples would have to pay between 68 percent and 164 percent more for their subsidized health insurance coverage than unmarried couples, but union members would be entirely exempt from any health care plan surtax.

"Let me be clear," said Obama during remarks to the press. "If you are gay or lesbian, I support civil unions for you. If you are in a labor union, I support tax exemptions for you. But if you're a heterosexual and part of a marriage union between a man and a woman, you need to start following through on that marriage vow and become poorer so others can get richer."

Associated articles: Washington Times; New York Post; Washington Post

Obama Administration to Use National Security Agencies to Search Elderly Blue-Haired Women at Airports, Polar Bears in Arctic

Washington, D.C.--Obama national security officials defended their decision to devote more intelligence resources to monitoring the purported effects of "global warming" instead of tracking terrorists, arguing that "We search blue-haired old ladies at airports, why not polar bears in the Arctic?"

Pointing to the need to avoid any appearance of "profiling" those who might be most likely to commit terrorist acts, Obama administration officials said "In our efforts to find terrorists, we're committed to applying a strict, equal treatment standard, and that includes polar bears, penguins, and seals of all colors."

Associated articles: Washington Times 1; Washington Times 2