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Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Obama Appears on Food Network to Cook His Special "Federal Accounting Book" Recipe

Washington, D.C.--President Obama appeared on the Food Network yesterday to cook his "special recipe" consisting of budget tables, federal budget books, and "loads of cash," all flame-sauteed over a giant burner.

"We read about the President's health care bill, and his fondness for cooking the books," said a Food Network spokesperson. "We figured he'd be a perfect addition to our lineup."

Obama, whose health care plan became famous for its double-counting the same federal dollars toward reducing the deficit and paying for benefits, was thrilled by the invitation.

"My recipe builds on one used by notorious Ponzi-schemer Bernie Madoff," said Obama. "But mine has a lot more kick to it."

Associated article: National Review

With Polls Overwhelmingly Against Them, Democrats Invoke "Louise Slaughter Rule"

Washington, D.C.--With polls showing the American people strongly opposed to the Democrats' plan for government-run health care, House Rules Committee chairwoman Louise Slaughter invoked the "Slaughter Rule."

But whereas the "slaughter rule" in sports allows a team facing an opponent with an overwhelming lead to bring an early end to the game by conceding defeat, the "Slaughter Rule" in politics would allow the House to pass unpopular legislation by passing a new "rule" that would "deem" the legislation passed.

Rep. Slaughter defended the rule, saying it was necessary because "The politics of health care, like baseball, doesn't have a game clock that would otherwise put a merciful end to Democrats' agony."

Associated article: CongressDaily

Red Tape Production Soars as Government Jobs Outpace Goods-Producing Jobs for First Time Ever

Associated article: Clusterstock

State Legislators Propose Presidential Word Limit Amendment

After President Obama delivered over forty major speeches in support of his unpopular health care plan that would require states to spend billions of dollars they don't have, state legislators around the country gathered together to ask Congress to pass a presidential word limit amendment.

"The Constitution includes a presidential term limit amendment," said one legislator. "It's time to limit not only the terms the president serves, but also the terms the president utters."

Associated article: CBS News

New Obama Image Strategy Calls for More Dramatic Speaking Backdrops

Associated article: Washington Post

Speaker Pelosi Announces Meaning of Health Care Bill Can Only Be Discerned After She Inhales Prophetic Vapors at Bill Passage Ceremony

Oracle at D.C.--In a prepared speech to the National Association of Counties, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said "we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what is in it."

Pelosi elaborated on her comments later that afternoon, saying "The fact is no one can really know what's in the legislation until I utter the inspired wisdom of the gods. And that occurs when I inhale the mystic vapors that emanate from the well of the House upon the bill's enactment."

Associated speech: Nancy Pelosi

Debt Trek: The Next Generation

Associated articles: Associated Press; Fortune Magazine; USA Today

Passage of Radical Health Care Bill Hinges on Democrat's Gay Sex References and Nude Shower Encounter with "Son of Devil's Spawn"

Washington, D.C.--President Obama assured the American people that it was "no big deal" that passage of a radical and deeply unpopular health care bill that would forever limit patients' medical options could result from an ethics charge involving gay sex comments made by a Democrat of ambiguous sexual orientation who verbally sparred with the White House Chief of Staff -- whom he called "son of the devil's spawn" -- when they were both nude in the Congressional gym.

A calm and relaxed Obama told gathered reporters "It's all part of the normal legislative process," adding that "Some of the most important pieces of legislation ever passed by Congress resulted from potentially alcohol-induced references to gay sex and naked shower roughhousing."

Administration sources pointed to the landmark Social Security Act, which they said became law only when "a single House Member was expelled from Congress after drinking a half bottle of Scotch and joking about passing wind with a colleague in a Congressional bathroom."

"Enactment of a vastly unpopular life-altering bureaucracy may depend on the fate of a sexually ambiguous sexual harasser and satanic name-caller who was involved in a naked shower spat with the White House chief of staff," said Obama. "But in the end what the American people care about are results."

Associated articles: The Hill; Breitbart

Save Our Navy Seals

Associated articles: Fox News; Investor's Business Daily; Washington Times; New York Times

Critics Concerned by Obama's Jersey Shore Briefings in "The Situation" Situation Room

Associated article: Weekly Standard

Mainstream Media Headlines

Associated article: Malkin

Howard Dean Explains Why There's No Tort Reform in the Democrats' Health Care Bill

Also viewable on YouTube

President Obama Seeks Reconciliation from Senate, Divorce from American People

Associated articles: MSNBC; National Review

President Delivers Yet Another ObamaCare Speech Surrounded by Doctors in Lab Coats

Associated article: Business Insider

Fallout 3 "ObamaCare" Expansion Pack Features a Post-"Nuclear Option" World Filled with Mutants Created by Government-Run Health Care

Bethesda, Maryland--The creators of the popular "Fallout 3" video game announced the release of a new "ObamaCare" expansion pack set in a world destroyed by government-run health care after Congress triggered the "nuclear option" and rammed through President Obama's health care plan in violation of Senate rules.

The game creators said the expansion pack will feature a variety of mutants roaming hospital halls, the product of centrally-controlled health care gone awry.

"We wanted to create a realistic experience for the player," said the game's artistic director, "complete with zombies enraged by long waits for medical services and the delivery of sub-par health care, doctors driven mad by increased paperwork and frivolous lawsuits, and senior citizens angered by cuts in Medicare."

The expansion pack will also feature a new villain: the "health choice" czar, who "rules the health care system with an iron fist."

Associated articles: ABC News; Wall Street Journal; Washington Times

Earthquake in Chile Tilts Earth Axis, Shortens Each Day by 1.26 Microseconds, Obama Presidency by Several Seconds, Reduces Deficit by $3 Billion

Associated articles: Washington Post; Associated Press

New Coffee Party Tastes Like Kool Aid

Also available on YouTube; associated articles: Legal Insurrection; Washington Post

Al Gore Joins New Weather Underground

Al Gore's latest book, called "Our Choice," depicts on its cover an image of an earth ravaged by hurricanes resulting from human-caused global warming, as does the movie poster for his film "An Inconvenient Truth."

But such images are being called "misleading" now that the latest research shows the rise in hurricane frequency since 1995 was just part of a natural cycle going back a century, and that the most likely impact of any global warming will be to decrease the frequency of tropical storms.

Following the announcement of that research by the lead scientist at the National Hurricane Center and an MIT meteorology professor, Mr. Gore announced he was joining a radical new group committed to instituting a dictatorship of the scientifically-challenged by organizing outside the peer-review process and "breaking the chains of the scientific method."

"We are the new Weather Underground," said Gore, referring to an earlier protest organization whose foundational document was titled "You Don't Need a Weatherman to Know Which Way the Wind Blows." The foundational document of Gore's new group is similarly titled "You Don't Need Climate Science to Know the Size of Our Egos."

Associated articles: Weekly Standard; Times of London

President Obama Speaks to Republican Senate Leaders About Ramming His Health Care Bill Through Congress

Video also available on YouTube

Democrats Overwhelmingly Renew PATRIOT Act with No Changes So They Can Complain About It Another Year

Associated article: Washington Post

Obama Seeks to Insure the Unsure Along with the Uninsured

Washington, D.C.--Recognizing that the vast majority of Americans like their current health insurance and are worried a government-run health insurance program would throw their coverage and health care choices into uncertainty, President Obama today vowed to press for federal legislation to "cover the unsure as well as the uninsured."

"I realize that many are concerned about the unknown consequences of a government takeover of health care," said Obama. "Consequently, I am proposing today that federal taxpayer dollars be committed to insuring the unsure in the event my proposals make them worse off."

Administration officials said that under the President's plan, "No longer will anyone have to worry about the adverse consequences of expansive government, since those risks will be backed by the taxpayer." They also stressed that once Congress passes an unsure insurance program, "it would clear the way for passage of many other economic experiments."

When asked about the huge costs of such an unsure insurance program, Administration officials said the proposal would be costless "because the proposed legislation would make uncertainty illegal."

Desperate to Advance His Agenda, Obama Adds Bacon to Widely Unpopular Health Care Bill

Washington, D.C.--Desperate to advance his government-run health care agenda, President Obama announced he would add bacon to the widely unpopular Senate health care bill. Obama made the announcement at a "bipartisan summit" with Congressional leaders."

"We listened to the President repeat his favorite talking points for several hours, well past lunch time," said one Republican who attended. "Then he sprang his Plan B on us. It was bacon."

Administration officials defended the surprise announcement, saying "People are mixing bacon with everything from ice cream to coffee to cereal. We weren't blindsiding anyone with gimmicks."

Some Republicans said they were annoyed by Obama's tactic of responding to every tough question posed to him at the summit by yelling "Bacon!" But a White House spokesperson said "The summit wasn't about what Republicans or Democrats want. It was about what the American people want."

Associated article: Daily Beast

Dust Mites, Obama TV Appearances Top List of Most Common Household Nuisances

Scientists Abandon Effort to Find a Grand Unified Theory of Health Care Bill Backroom Deals

Washington, D.C.--Scientists announed they have finally abandoned attempts to discover a unified theory of the federal health care legislation, saying they've concluded "it's impossible to make any coherent sense of it."

The scientists pointed to provisions that exempted Nebraskans from additional taxes, gave special protections to union health care plans, exempted Michigan's Blue Cross Blue Shield from taxes on insurers, and granted an extra $300 million to Louisiana for Medicaid, an extra $500 million to Massachusetts, and an extra $600 million to Vermont.

"This legislation appears to follow no principles of consistency or internal logic," said one scientist. "It's probably best analyzed under chaos theory."

Associated article: Politico

House Honors First Black President by Passing Legislation Creating a Race-Based Government in His Home State of Hawaii

Associated articles: National Review; Wikipedia; National Review 2; Wall Street Journal

Historians Discover Lost Letter from James Madison to Thomas Jefferson (click image to enlarge)

Obama Unveils His Future Vision of Better Health Insurance Through Price Controls

Associated article: CATO Institute

Al-Qaeda Says Five-Year Torture of Innocent Bush Administration Lawyers "Proves America is the Great Satan"

In a newly-released video, members of al-Qaeda say the five-year torture of innocent Bush Administration lawyers "proves America is the Great Satan."

The al-Qaeda members refer to a final report by a Justice Department career official who reviewed the Bush Administration lawyers' memoranda concluding that enhanced interrogation techniques used against al-Qaeda members were legal. Following a five-year investigation, the career official concluded the Bush lawyers did not violate any standards of professional conduct, contradicting the conclusions of an earlier Justice Department report the official criticized as shifting its rationales in results-oriented ways, ignoring proper procedure, and twisting legal standards.

Osama bin Laden appears in the video, saying "First the accusers said the Bush lawyers violated the federal anti-torture statute. Then they said the lawyers should be disciplined by their state bar associations. Now it turns out the lawyers didn't commit any professional misconduct or violate any Justice Department policies. The drip, drip, drip of the threats these investigations posed to innocent lawyers over five years were spearheaded by proteges of Attorney General Eric Holder and leaked to the press in vile attempts to smear the lawyers' reputations. Those grave injustices represent the evil that is the American system of politicized prosecution."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Administration Announces 5-Year Speech Production Goals

Washington, D.C.--The Obama Administration announced the launch of a "5-Year speech production plan" designed to regulate discussions according to universal principles of "productive talk."

Mark Lloyd, the Federal Communications Commission's associate general counsel and "diversity czar" who wrote in 2007 on the need to close "the gap between conservative and progressive talk radio" and praised the "incredible democratic revolution" of a Venezuelan dictator, said the plan calls for boosting "good speech product" in the U.S.

The plan also calls for the U.S. to conform to a United Nations Human Rights Council resolution -- drafted by countries with stellar free speech records like China, Cuba, and Saudi Arabia -- that calls on nations to criminalize speech certain religious and racial groups deem offensive.

Such prohibitions would trump the Constitution's First Amendment, according to the State Department's top lawyer, Harold Koh, who wrote in 2003 that the American "exceptional free-speech tradition can cause problems abroad," and called on the U.S. Supreme Court to "moderate these conflicts by applying more consistently the transnational approach to judicial interpretation" that he advocates.

Koh said the goal of reaching these speech targets within five years is ambitious, but added "Either we do it, or the forces of robust debate may crush us over the long term."

Associated article: National Journal; associated video: Brietbart

Apologies We'd Like to See

Also available on YouTube

Obama Creates Commission to Study Nation's Budget Problems; Appoints Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus to Serve as Chair and Co-Chair

Associated articles: Washington Post; National Review

John Brennan Dramatic Look

Associated article: Investor's Business Daily

Green-Friendly Rescue Subs Called in As Green-Friendly Ice Machines Yield Slush and Unprecedented Olympics Delays

Associated article: USA Today

Joe's Plumbing Service Finds Loads of Unpleasantness in White House Communications Office

Washington, D.C.--In 2008, candidate Barack Obama promised "Joe the Plumber" that a President Obama would not raise taxes on households making less than $250,ooo a year.

But just over a year into the Obama Presidency, Joe's Plumbing service found that the White House communications office is "full of poo poo" after President Obama said he was "agnostic" on whether that promise should be kept.

Associated articles: New York Post; Business Week; associated video: Obama campaign promise

Captain America vs. Cap and Trade (click on image to enlarge)

Associated articles: Daily Mail; London Times

Corrections Page

Associated articles: Daily Mail; George Will; The Guardian; Daily Telegraph

ObamaTV: Deficits Graph

Don Quixote To Head Obama Green Jobs Program After Stimulus Money to Wind Power Produces Drop in U.S. Wind Manufacturing Jobs

Associated articles: ABC News; Washington Post; Pajamas Media; Wall Street Journal; Washington Times; Oakland Tribune; NBC

Obama Audio-Animatronics Robot Meets with Republican Members of Congress at Health Care Forum

Washington, D.C.--After President Obama offered to hold a forum on health care legislation with Republicans, but refused to budge from his government-run plan, the Walt Disney Company agreed to loan their audio-animatronic Obama robot to regurgitate yet again the President's standard presentation in favor of the deeply unpopular proposal.

Associated articles: Letter from Republican Leaders; White House Blog

Sham Theory Commercial

Associated articles: Washington Examiner (global warming decreases snowstorms); TIME Magazine (global warming increases snowstorms)

Kids Time -- Ernie Teaches Cookie Monster About Hope and Political Campaigns

Al-Qaeda Leaders Charge Obama Critics with "Serving the Goals of Infidel Beasts by Distracting Them from Their March to Slaughter"

On Sunday, White House counter-terrorism chief John Brennan charged that critics who question the Obama administration's decision to grant Miranda rights to terrorists are "serving the goals of al-Qaeda."

Shortly thereafter, al-Qaeda leaders piled on, charging that critics of the Obama administration's weak national security policies are "serving the goals of infidel beasts by distracting them from their march to slaughter."

Associated article: Washington Examiner

It's Not Easy Being Green

(Video also available on YouTube if video below doesn't work: YouTube)

Reactions to Passage of Record-High Federal Debt Limit

(Video also available on YouTube at this link if video below doesn't work: YouTube)

Terrorist Interrogations Handed Over to Oprah Winfrey

Chicago, Illinois--Since officials at the Justice Department decided to interrogate a captured terrorist for less than an hour before giving him the right to remain silent following his attempt to blow up an airliner on Christmas Day, the Obama Administration has decided to turn over terrorist interrogations to Oprah Winfrey.

"Oprah's just-less-than-an-hour interview format is the right fit going forward," said one Administration official. "Plus, Oprah has just about as much expertise on al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula as the FBI officials who questioned the Christmas bomber."

Associated articles: Washington Post; National Journal; Wall Street Journal

Obama Says “You Don’t Blow a Bunch of Cash in Vegas, You Blow a Bunch of Taxes in Washington, D.C.”

Associated video: Las Vegas Mayor
Associated article: Las Vegas Now

C-Span Video: Record-Breaking Federal Budget Arrives on Capitol Hill

(Video also on YouTube if video below doesn't work.)

T-Shirt Design -- Che Viva Cluelessness

Associated article: Big Government

Obama Economic Advisers Found in Jungle Cave Thinking World War II Not Ended

Mindoro, Philippines--President Obama's team of economic advisers, including Office of Management and Budget Director Peter Orszag, were discovered in the Philippines after search teams pieced together clues from a record-breaking budget plan they left behind.

The advisers were found huddled deep inside a jungle cave believing World War II had not yet ended.

"We've known Obama's economic team has been missing in action for a long time," said one Administration official. "But we were at a loss as to their location until we discovered their plan for massive federal deficits even larger than those seen in World War II, when measured as a percentage of the economy. That's when we began looking for them in remote island caverns.

When reached for comment, Lt. Hiroo Onoda -- one of the last previously known World War II holdouts discovered hiding on Lubang Island in 1974 -- said "I'm glad they found them, but if I were you I'd leave their budget back in the cave."

Associated article: Reuters; National Review; The Hill