Thursday, October 28, 2010

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Congressman Found to Have Directed Thousands of Patronizing Comments to Constituents

Washington, D.C.--Multiple media sources confirmed that Congressman Jim Rothswig of New Jersey has, over several years, directed thousands of patronizing comments to his own constituents.

Rep. Rothswig denied the allegations, saying "Those simple-minded, gun-toting, Bible-hugging religious rubes in my district will believe anything they hear on Rush Limbaugh."

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Monday, October 25, 2010

U.S. Citizen Seeks Asylum in a U.S. Governed by Constitutional Principles

Morgantown, Pennsylvania--U.S. citizen Jerry Winkler recently reported to a federal immigration office and requested asylum into a "U.S. governed by constitutional principles."

Citing various constitutional provisions including the limited, enumerated powers of Congress set out in Article I of the Constitution, Winkler argued he fears for his individual rights in a nation that appears to have dramatically shifted from its constitutional foundations.

"I thought he was nuts," said one immigration official. "But he came in with a copy of the U.S. Constitution -- which I had never read before -- and after reading it I thought he made a legitimate case. Unfortunately, I checked the records and the U.S. that exists today is the only one we have, and you can't be a refugee from your own country."

"The immigration official told me the only place I could seek relief was the voting booth in November," said Winkler. "So I'm going to give that a shot."

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Government Bureaucrats Caught Watching Spending Porn at Work

Washington, D.C.--Now that the federal government has run an over $1 trillion deficit for an unprecedented second straight year, an inspector general investigation has revealed that thousands of federal bureaucrats watch "spending porn" on a daily basis, viewing hundreds of thousands of hours of disgusting displays of the waste of taxpayer dollars, and even images of burning money.

"What they've been doing at the office is vile," said one investigator. "Many of these government employees spend most of their time at work watching C-Span and MSNBC, which cater to people with prurient interests in watching taxpayer dollars get flushed down toilets, stuffed down rat holes, and spent on all sorts of boondoggle projects."

One authority said "It's hard to figure anyone could get off on this stuff, but it must have something to do with feelings of power while watching the public's money subjugated and degraded in all sorts of disturbing ways."

Associated articles: Washington Post; The American; Heritage Foundation; USA Today

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

People Beginning to Cough Up Pieces of Big Government

Washington, D.C.--In what researchers say is an ominous sign that the government has gotten "way too big," people are beginning to cough up huge chunks of big government.

"I was trying to eat breakfast," said one small business owner, "but then I suddenly felt a scratching in my throat, and before I knew it reams of IRS 1099 forms were spilling out of my mouth."

Experts say the ObamaCare law's requirement that small businesses file a separate 1099 form for every vendor they buy more than $600 of goods from is only "one small part of the government that has come to permeate all aspects of our lives" and that "without dramatic reductions in the government's paperwork emissions, this unhealthy trend is only going to get worse."

Associated article: CATO Institute

Monday, October 18, 2010

Obama Blames Republicans for "Sad Legacy of Bar Graphs"

Government Psychologists Added to Obama’s Secret Service Detail

Washington, D.C.--After giving speeches in which he claimed the large majority of the American electorate isn't able to "think clearly" because it's motivated by irrational "fear" -- saying Americans are "hardwired not to think clearly when we're scared" -- President Obama authorized the creation of a new unit of government psychologists inside the Secret Service.

"We're here to facilitate the president's projection of his inadequacies onto the population at large," said the chief of the new Presidential Projection Program. "We scan crowds for signs of dissatisfaction, and then act immediately to find a psychological disorder to explain that dissatisfaction away."

Associated articles: Charles Krauthammer; Politico

Friday, October 15, 2010

Politicians Caught Cheating on Voters

Washington, D.C.--In a special series of "all Congress" episodes of the television show "Cheaters," hundreds of federal lawmakers were caught on tape cheating on their constituents.

"I should have known something was going on when my representative didn't show up for a town hall meeting," said one voter.

"I should have noticed he was spending taxpayer money on extraneous things like car companies," said another. "And that he wasn't spending as much time at work reading the bills he was voting on."

When one cheating Member was confronted, and asked why he did it, he said "Hey, when my constituents looked the other way for so long, I got a feeling of entitlement."

Another caught Senator said "My constituents were overly critical, and I didn't want to be associated with them any more."

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Stimulus Funds Used to Convert Baseball Stadiums to Colosseums

New York, New York--Billions of dollars in federal stimulus funds will be used to convert baseball stadiums into colosseums in places with high unemployment in an effort to appease the restless masses. And Congress has threatened to remove the federal antitrust exemption for Major League Baseball unless players agree to fight much more aggressively.

"These are tough times," said Obama in announcing the giant colosseum project, "and it's only fair that professional baseball players sacrifice as well."

When administration officials were asked to explain the public purpose behind the new program, which accompanies higher taxes to support massive spending on salaries for corrupt government bureaucrats, they said only "When in Rome ..."

Associated article: Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

Monday, October 4, 2010

Friday, October 1, 2010

Democrats Counter Republican Agenda with Delicious Cupcakes

Washington, D.C.--After House Republicans unveiled a public pledge to stop tax increases, lower taxes for small businesses, require congressional approval for regulations with large economic impacts, limit discretionary spending to pre-bailout, pre-stimulus levels, and then cap its growth, Democrats responded by offering an agenda "packed with delicious cupcakes smothered in creamy frosting."

After the Democrats adjourned Congress without performing its most basic function of approving a federal budget or deciding on whether to maintain current tax rates set to expire in January, House Speaker Pelosi said "This is no gimmick. These cupcakes are real, they are tasty, and they will be warm and ready for the American people to enjoy at the start of the next Congress."

Asked about Republicans' criticism regarding how the cupcakes would be paid for, Pelosi responded, "Only Republicans could object to cupcakes. Yummy cupcakes."

Associated article: National Review

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