Harry Reid's Flying Circus

Pelosi Twilight Zone (Bipartisanship Episode)

Interview with Head of the National Endowment for the Arts

DJ POTUS -- "Let Me Be Clear"

Happy Halloween!

Unions to Organize Huge Nov. 2 Tea Party Rally in Guam

Guam, Western Pacific Ocean--The Service Employees International Union announced today it was organizing a huge Tea Party rally for election day, November 2, on the far-away U.S. island territory of Guam.

"The southernmost portion of the Mariana Islands will provide a breathtaking setting for a celebration of tea party values on election day," said a union spokesperson. "Our alliance of unions will also provide one-way transportation to the island the day before the the next federal election."

Headlines

Obama Holds Huge Rallies at Unemployment Offices Around the Country

Columbus, Ohio--As the real unemployment rate -- including those who must work shorter hours and those who are so discouraged they've stopped looking for work -- hovers around 17%, President Obama has begun holding huge rallies at unemployment offices around the country.

"Thank you all for coming," said Obama to a capacity crowd who streamed in lines between the cubicles of unemployment officers. "It's a testament to your faith in Democratic economic policies that you've all come here today to hear my message, and to collect your checks."

A White House spokesperson emphasized the rally's impressive size, noting that "the crowd would have been even larger, but lots of people have run past the $100 billion record 99 weeks of extended unemployment benefits."

Associated video: 60 Minutes; associated article:E21; associated charts: National Review; Hot Air

Congressman Found to Have Directed Thousands of Patronizing Comments to Constituents

Washington, D.C.--Multiple media sources confirmed that Congressman Jim Rothswig of New Jersey has, over several years, directed thousands of patronizing comments to his own constituents.

Rep. Rothswig denied the allegations, saying "Those simple-minded, gun-toting, Bible-hugging religious rubes in my district will believe anything they hear on Rush Limbaugh."

Headlines

U.S. Citizen Seeks Asylum in a U.S. Governed by Constitutional Principles

Morgantown, Pennsylvania--U.S. citizen Jerry Winkler recently reported to a federal immigration office and requested asylum into a "U.S. governed by constitutional principles."

Citing various constitutional provisions including the limited, enumerated powers of Congress set out in Article I of the Constitution, Winkler argued he fears for his individual rights in a nation that appears to have dramatically shifted from its constitutional foundations.

"I thought he was nuts," said one immigration official. "But he came in with a copy of the U.S. Constitution -- which I had never read before -- and after reading it I thought he made a legitimate case. Unfortunately, I checked the records and the U.S. that exists today is the only one we have, and you can't be a refugee from your own country."

"The immigration official told me the only place I could seek relief was the voting booth in November," said Winkler. "So I'm going to give that a shot."

Obama Blames Foreign Influence, Kumquats, for Tinfoil Hat

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal 1

Headlines

Government Bureaucrats Caught Watching Spending Porn at Work

Washington, D.C.--Now that the federal government has run an over $1 trillion deficit for an unprecedented second straight year, an inspector general investigation has revealed that thousands of federal bureaucrats watch "spending porn" on a daily basis, viewing hundreds of thousands of hours of disgusting displays of the waste of taxpayer dollars, and even images of burning money.

"What they've been doing at the office is vile," said one investigator. "Many of these government employees spend most of their time at work watching C-Span and MSNBC, which cater to people with prurient interests in watching taxpayer dollars get flushed down toilets, stuffed down rat holes, and spent on all sorts of boondoggle projects."

One authority said "It's hard to figure anyone could get off on this stuff, but it must have something to do with feelings of power while watching the public's money subjugated and degraded in all sorts of disturbing ways."

Associated articles: Washington Post; The American; Heritage Foundation; USA Today

Infographic: How the First Lady and President Move Markets (click image to enlarge)

Associated articles:; US News; CBS News; Gallup; Reuters; CBS News 1

People Beginning to Cough Up Pieces of Big Government

Washington, D.C.--In what researchers say is an ominous sign that the government has gotten "way too big," people are beginning to cough up huge chunks of big government.

"I was trying to eat breakfast," said one small business owner, "but then I suddenly felt a scratching in my throat, and before I knew it reams of IRS 1099 forms were spilling out of my mouth."

Experts say the ObamaCare law's requirement that small businesses file a separate 1099 form for every vendor they buy more than $600 of goods from is only "one small part of the government that has come to permeate all aspects of our lives" and that "without dramatic reductions in the government's paperwork emissions, this unhealthy trend is only going to get worse."

Associated article: CATO Institute

Obama Blames Republicans for "Sad Legacy of Bar Graphs"

Government Psychologists Added to Obama’s Secret Service Detail

Washington, D.C.--After giving speeches in which he claimed the large majority of the American electorate isn't able to "think clearly" because it's motivated by irrational "fear" -- saying Americans are "hardwired not to think clearly when we're scared" -- President Obama authorized the creation of a new unit of government psychologists inside the Secret Service.

"We're here to facilitate the president's projection of his inadequacies onto the population at large," said the chief of the new Presidential Projection Program. "We scan crowds for signs of dissatisfaction, and then act immediately to find a psychological disorder to explain that dissatisfaction away."

Associated articles: Charles Krauthammer; Politico

Obama Facebook Page (click image to enlarge)

Associated article: Washington Post

Politicians Caught Cheating on Voters

Washington, D.C.--In a special series of "all Congress" episodes of the television show "Cheaters," hundreds of federal lawmakers were caught on tape cheating on their constituents.

"I should have known something was going on when my representative didn't show up for a town hall meeting," said one voter.

"I should have noticed he was spending taxpayer money on extraneous things like car companies," said another. "And that he wasn't spending as much time at work reading the bills he was voting on."

When one cheating Member was confronted, and asked why he did it, he said "Hey, when my constituents looked the other way for so long, I got a feeling of entitlement."

Another caught Senator said "My constituents were overly critical, and I didn't want to be associated with them any more."

At MTV Event, Obama Kisses Youth Vote While Kanye West Storms Stage and Insists Democrats Should Win in Upcoming Elections

New York, New York--At an MTV-sponsored town hall meeting designed to woo young people suffering from widespread unemployment, President Obama engaged in a dramatic kiss with the youth vote while rapper Kanye West stormed the stage and insisted the Democrats should win in the upcoming elections.

"I thought the president was going to kiss the youth vote's ass," said one adoring fan, "but it was still thrilling to see him plant a wet one on that hipster kid's lips."

The young audience was also roused by Kanye's performance, in which he ranted "Yo Republicans and independents, I'm really happy for you, and I'll let you finish, but Obama's had the best presidency of all time!"

Associated article: Mediabistro

Congress Designates National Debt a National Treasure

Washington, D.C.--With a national debt growing and growing with no sign of abating amidst the creation of more and more federal programs, Congress is on the verge of officially designating the national debt a national treasure.

House Resolution 189 provides in part that "Whereas, it is now in the best interest of the political class to preserve and celebrate this unique form of responsibility abdication; Now, therefore be it Resolved by the House of Representatives (the Senate concurring), that it is the sense of the Congress that the national debt is hereby designated as valuable national American treasure to which we should devote our support and taxpayer resources to make certain it is perpetuated and promulgated to future generations."

The resolution is expected to pass overwhelmingly.

Democratic Party Volunteers Ask Individuals to Donate Their Rights and Freedoms in Annual Pledge Drive

Washington, D.C.--Democratic Party volunteers from around the country began their annual pledge drive yesterday, asking individuals to donate more of their rights and freedoms to the government in advance of the 2010 congressional elections.

"Hello, is this Mrs. Reynolds?" asked one chirpy phone volunteer. "We'd like to ask you to give the government just a few more of your personal freedoms so others can continue to enjoy the wide variety of counter-productive and often duplicative taxpayer-funded programs the government has to offer. And please vote Democrat in November!"

The rights drive comes as the Congressional Budget Office projects the national debt will be close to 90 percent of GDP by 2020, reaching 180 percent of GDP by 2035. The massive government borrowing required by such debt would require much higher taxes if spending were not dramatically reduced.

Rights drive participation rates were "poor" by the end of the first day, according to drive organizers, but they said they hoped to receive much more positive responses by offering General Motors umbrellas in return for the largest freedom donations.

Associated article: Washington Post

White House 10 Most Wanted List

Associated article: New York Times; FactCheck

Protesters Balance Checkbooks at Obama Rally

Brooksfield, Virginia--President Obama was taken aback today as over a dozen protesters moved up to the edge of the stage and balanced their checkbooks while he delivered yet another speech defending his policies of unprecedented fiscal irresponsibility.

Police said the protesters were peaceful, but White House officials characterized their performance as "a divisive show of monetary discipline."

"These checkbook-thumpers apparently want to distract voters from the change Democrats have brought to fundamental accounting principles," said a spokesperson for the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. "They want to take us back to the time when federal policies were based on the dangerous notion that spending had to be paid for."

After the protesters finished balancing their checkbooks, Obama used what has become a standard metaphor of his, telling the crowd, "While we were driving the car into the red on behalf of the American people, folks like those check-balancers were just looking down at us up there above the bottom line, being all responsible up there in the black. And now they want the keys to the U.S. Treasury back!"

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; UK Daily Mail

Democrats Urged to Run on Their Beatles Records

Washington, D.C.--A new memo from the Chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, Rep. Chris Van Hollen, counsels Democratic candidates to run on their Beatles records.

"Let's face it," says the memo, "we can't run on our voting records. So let's run on such old Beatles classics as 'The Taxman,' 'Back in the U.S.S.R.,' and 'Hello, Goodbye.'"

The memo states that in the current political environment, "Democrats need to recapture the '60's sense of raw, unprincipled optimism that doesn't depend on real-world incentives or economic laws."

Several Democratic candidates responded favorably to the recommended political strategy, saying they looked forward to making "Get Back" and "Day Tripper" the centerpieces of their campaigns.

Associated article: The Hill

Madonna Adopts Obama

Los Angeles, California--Following a celebrity tradition of charitable adoptions, Madonna adopted Barack Obama, saying she wanted to "save him from the corrupting world of Washington, which has shown him so much heartbreak and pain."

Through a spokesperson, Madonna said that since she first set eyes on Obama on the campaign trail in backwoods West Virginia, she felt she needed to be generous with her financial resources "and give him a home where he'd be appreciated, and not have to bend his radical plans to the harsh demands of the voters in an oppressive democratic system."

Madonna, whose application made the cut over dozens filed by other celebrities, said Obama would be raised in Hollywood, where he'll be given control over his own wing of her vast estate.

"He's just adorable," said a long-time friend of the pop culture icon, "and he'll have lots of like-minded friends where he's going."

Stimulus Funds Used to Convert Baseball Stadiums to Colosseums

New York, New York--Billions of dollars in federal stimulus funds will be used to convert baseball stadiums into colosseums in places with high unemployment in an effort to appease the restless masses. And Congress has threatened to remove the federal antitrust exemption for Major League Baseball unless players agree to fight much more aggressively.

"These are tough times," said Obama in announcing the giant colosseum project, "and it's only fair that professional baseball players sacrifice as well."

When administration officials were asked to explain the public purpose behind the new program, which accompanies higher taxes to support massive spending on salaries for corrupt government bureaucrats, they said only "When in Rome ..."

Associated article: Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

Obama Honored on Food Stamp

Washington, D.C.--Following the Census Bureau's reporting that the national poverty rate has risen to the highest level in 16 years, with the highest number of people in poverty in 51 years for which estimates are available, the Department of Agriculture announced it would be honoring President Obama on the $1 food stamp.

"We're very pleased that President Obama can be recognized for his economic policies' contributions to the food stamps program," said the Secretary of Agriculture.

Associated articles: Washington Times; CNN

Global Warming Activists Seek Goal of Reducing Human Body Temperature to 68 Degrees

San Francisco, California--After producing a taxpayer-funded public service video that approvingly depicts the murder of people unwilling to help administer cuts in energy use based on suspect theories of human-caused global warming, global warming activists announced the goal of their next campaign was to "encourage people to reduce their own body heat emissions to room temperature."

"We're asking people to bring their body temperature down at least a few degrees, and ideally down to 68 degrees Fahrenheit," said one activist spokesperson. "If we can get enough people to do that, we can begin to reverse the scourge humanity has wrought on planet Earth."

Other people remained skeptical of the activists' approach.

"I don't think I'm of a mind to do what they're asking," said one woman. "But I wouldn't mind if some cold water were thrown on the people doing the asking."

Associated article and video: UK Telegraph

Obama Tells Supporters to "Buck Up"

Associated article: Slate

Democrats Counter Republican Agenda with Delicious Cupcakes

Washington, D.C.--After House Republicans unveiled a public pledge to stop tax increases, lower taxes for small businesses, require congressional approval for regulations with large economic impacts, limit discretionary spending to pre-bailout, pre-stimulus levels, and then cap its growth, Democrats responded by offering an agenda "packed with delicious cupcakes smothered in creamy frosting."

After the Democrats adjourned Congress without performing its most basic function of approving a federal budget or deciding on whether to maintain current tax rates set to expire in January, House Speaker Pelosi said "This is no gimmick. These cupcakes are real, they are tasty, and they will be warm and ready for the American people to enjoy at the start of the next Congress."

Asked about Republicans' criticism regarding how the cupcakes would be paid for, Pelosi responded, "Only Republicans could object to cupcakes. Yummy cupcakes."

Associated article: National Review