Saturday, April 11, 2009

Obama Science Advisor: “The End is Near, So We Might As Well Amuse Ourselves with Outlandish Global Warming Solutions”

While the Earth is currently undergoing a cooling period that computer models failed to predict, President Obama’s science advisor said yesterday the White House was already considering radical means for artificially altering the earth’s climate to prevent global warming.

Saying “we don’t have the luxury of ruling any approach off the table,” adviser John Holdron compared global warming to being “in a car with bad brakes driving toward a cliff in the fog,” except the brakes might not be bad, the cliff might not exist, the fog is a product of flawed climate change models that have failed to predict actual recorded temperatures in recent decades, and acting on such an apocalyptic analogy could actually result in said apocalypse.

Holdron outlined the following possible “geoengineering” options:

-- Creating artificial volcanoes that shoot sulfer particles into the upper atmosphere to reflect the sun’s rays. When asked where such volcanoes should be put, Holdron said that since any efforts on the part of industrialized nations to cut carbon emissions would be pointless unless undeveloped countries were prohibited from industrializing and increasing their quality of life, “we might as well put them all in the poorest parts of Africa.”

-- Building a giant tanning platform in the stratosphere where Hollywood celebrities would sunbath under giant metallic ultraviolet ray reflectors. “Aston Kutcher and Demi Moore have already pledged their fealty to President Obama,” said Holdron, “so they’re first on the list.”

-- Stationing groups of easily manipulable children across the globe who would “sing for change.” Holdron said “Such singing could scare flocks of birds and other flying animals aloft to block large swaths of harmful rays.”

Holdron admitted that international negotiations regarding what the ideal Earth temperature should be "might prove a bit difficult" in light of deep cultural and economic differences. For example, he expected European countries to "insist the temperature remain suitable for Speedos year-round."

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