Cap-and-Trade Bill Expanded to Develop Markets in Household Radical Environmentalists

Washington, D.C.--Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA), the Chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, announced his support yesterday for legislation that would expand the so-called "cap and trade" program designed to limit emissions that contribute to global warming.

The cap and trade program works by capping the total amount of pollutants all companies can emit and creating a market in tradable credits those companies can use to allocate how much pollution each company can produce.

Explaining the new program, Waxman said "With growing evidence that the theory of human-caused global warming cannot be substantiated, it's becoming much more difficult to justify the cap and trade program. To maintain the environmental hysteria that program's based on, Congress needs to create a market for environmental ideologues who will harass, needle, and otherwise cajole people into taking actions that can't be justified by science.”

Under the new program, environmental ideologues would be regulated nationwide in a way that distributes them more evenly throughout society. Households with more than a critical mass of such ideologues would be able to trade them to others who need to be pressured into reducing their own carbon footprints.

"My sister rarely showers or shaves to save energy," said one brother grateful for the new program. "She even makes us wash out and reuse the plastic bags for picking up after the dog. Now I can send her off to the family down the street in exchange for their son because the government says they don’t use enough public transportation."

Another man looking forward to the program complained that his roommate "guilted us into buying reusable bamboo underwear. Now we'll get to trade him for someone who’ll just make us use florescent light bulbs.”

Waxman said the program was needed to spread unnecessary sacrifices more efficiently. “We've already passed a cap and trade regime that will dramatically increase utility costs for all consumers,” he told reporters. “What I'm proposing today is the creation of a program that will lower the costs of fanatical Pollyanna’s for others.”

Associated videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xOxwW4Toio&feature=player_embedded; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSlK9312nWc&feature=player_embedded

Associated articles: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/19/fashion/19greenorexia.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=difficult%20%22living%20with%22%20strain%20recycling%20carbon%20footprint&st=cse; http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/016/624cneah.asp?pg=2

Justice Department Announces New Interrogation and Detention Policies

Washington, D.C.--The Justice Department announced the country’s new terrorist interrogation policies yesterday, under which interrogators will be confined to the techniques listed in the Army Field Manual, which bans all threatening methods. President Obama ordered the changes in January.

The Manual goes so far as to ban grabbing terrorists by the collar, but Justice Department lawyers assured reporters that interrogators could continue to gather actionable intelligence from terrorists by capturing their attention in other ways, such as dressing in bumblebee costumes.

The Manual also bans the use of “stress positions” in which detainees would be placed in uncomfortable positions for long periods of time. “From now on,” said a Justice Department spokesperson, “only interrogators will be expected to remain bent over with any regularity.”

Terrorists are currently held at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility, where detainees take art classes, play sports, table tennis, and foosball, and watch DVDs. There is also one medical personnel -- including doctors and nurses -- for every three detainees. Still, outside organizations were invited to the press conference to express their concerns about conditions at the facility, which the Obama Administration pledged to address.

The International Red Cross cited instances in which soccer balls were not properly inflated, tea was served at room temperature, and mail service operated so slowly that detainees’ messages were delivered well after plots could be brought to fruition.

Amnesty International also reported on the flimsy quality of the mealtime plasticware, which it said was entirely unsuitable for use by detainees in constructing the sorts of dangerous handmade weapons prison guards had confiscated in the past.

There were also complaints about the adequacy of the health care provided. The Red Cross noted the example of Abdullah Mehsud, a terrorist who lost a leg in battle, was captured, fitted with a prosthetic limb at taxpayer expense, then released. “They said he received a state-of-the-art prosethetic, but we question that” said one official, “When Mehsud was recaptured after he returned to the battlefield, he clearly wasn’t able to outrun the military.”

Overcrowding was also cited as a problem at the facility. The Center for Constitutional Rights alone has coordinated the representation of detainees with a network of over 500 pro bono habeas counsel, and the detainees’ cells aren’t large enough to comfortably fit all their lawyers. One detainee was almost crushed between two dollies of extra large trial bags.

In February, Attorney General Eric Holder announced after an inspection that the Guantanamo Bay detention facilities were professionally run and met all international standards, but he insisted the facility would be closed regardless because “we need to show the world America is determined to follow through on its most fundamental traditions of cheap presidential campaign rhetoric.”

Associated articles: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/18/AR2009051803126.html; http://www.army.mil/institution/armypublicaffairs/pdf/fm2-22-3.pdf; http://supportingmaterials.blogspot.com/2009/05/excerpts-from-inside-gitmo.html; http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2008-12-11-detainees_N.htm; http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/24/us/24detainees.html; http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/25/holder.guantanamo/; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/08/28/AR2009082803874.html?hpid=topnews

Obama Responds to Demands for Specific Plans to Close the GITMO Detention Facility by Unveiling Detailed Diagrams of His Complex Sentence Structures

Washington, D.C.--President Obama has released or cleared for release several known terrorists and al-Qaeda associates, yet he hasn't publicly clarified his rationales for those decisions.

As a result, Members of Congress have demanded that President Obama present concrete plans for dealing with the over 200 dangerous detainees currently held at the Guantanamo Bay detention facilities before Congress funds its dismantling.

Obama responded to those demands yesterday with an extended speech in which he described in fine detail the complex structure of the sentences he will use, and the deep thought process he will employ, when dealing with Guantanamo and other national security issues.

Obama pointed to a sentence diagram to show how, in dealing with the Guantanamo detainees, he would delicately imbed the expression of unpleasant notions between carefully constructed parallel predicate nouns to create the illusion of resolution while avoiding directly addressing the central problem at hand. And he said he would do so while avoiding copulative predicates.

The President also said he would employ the word “but” as often as necessary to make his sentences turn on multiple fulcrums that cancel each other out, resulting in no tipping point whatsoever and keeping his grammar free of any decisiveness, one way or the other.

Only once during the hour-long speech did the President appear to stumble into a decision. He quickly recovered following a few carefully spaced “uhs” and “ers”.

Following Obama’s presentation, Senators said they had complete faith in the President’s ability to obfuscate any discernable strategy for dealing with the detainees while appearing to make weighty and carefully deliberative decisions that considered all angles.

After the speech, one Senator was asked whether Obama had presented a plan detailed enough to justify the necessary appropriations. The Senator borrowed a line from the President’s speech and confidently predicted that “Although there are no easy answers in these extraordinary times, there is much work to be done, and let me say as plainly as I can that I will take the steps necessary to fulfill both my obligation to adhere to our most fundamental values and my responsibility to maintain our tradition of safety for the American people in a way that fits no ideological predisposition.”

Associated articles: http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gj2oO72tz7sEIr76Tr_UrJNTtGSgD98AA39O0; http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=aDfJCdTKYpyE&refer=home; http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/18/what-sentence-diagrams-re_n_167988.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/21/AR2009052103680.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/09/24/AR2009092404893.html?hpid=topnews

Some Hail Obama’s Requiring More Costly Low-Emission Autos; Others Concerned Cars Designed to “Burn Through So Much Money” May Increase Global Warming

President Obama announced his support yesterday for new auto design rules that would impose stricter emission standards on cars and trucks. The new rules are expected to increase costs to consumers by at least an extra $1,300 per vehicle while providing no net benefits.

Preliminary designs of new vehicles that would meet the new specifications include multiple ignitable exhaust pipes made of tightly rolled hundred dollar bills that would burn through consumers’ cash.

Auto engineers said they had to add the extra money pipes because more expensive cars mean fewer cars are sold, which means more auto workers are laid off and more income lost.

Environmental groups initially praised the new rules, but later expressed concern they would "burn through vast amounts of money" and spread plumes of polluting particulates that could increase global warming. "We're talking waste in the form of forest fire-sized cash infernos here," said one Sierra Club official.

Some environmental activists were disappointed that increasing fuel-efficiency is expected to reduce the per-mile cost of operating vehicles, which will increase the number of miles driven, and thus reduce or eliminate any expected emission reductions, which under even best-case scenarios would reduce the global temperature by only seven thousandths of a degree Celsius by the end of this century.

But other environmental groups saw a silver lining in the announcement. The new fuel-efficiency rules will also require smaller, lighter, and consequently less safe cars that will lead to higher traffic fatalities. While some environmental advocates suggested those risks could be reduced by filling air bags with yet more shredded cash, they added that any increased mortality "will help reduce our collective carbon footprint in the long run."

Associated articles: http://www.salon.com/wires/ap/2009/05/19/D9895Q0O1_us_obama_autos/; http://www.nap.edu/openbook.php?isbn=0309076013&page=3; http://www.cato.org/pub_display.php?pub_id=4311; http://www.usatoday.com/money/autos/2009-05-19-auto-safety-small-cars_N.htm

CIA Says It Briefed Pelosi in Form of Loud Heavy Metal Music “To Make Sure She Got the Message;” Pelosi Now Claims Briefing Was Accurate, But Torture

Washington, D.C.--After being accused by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi that it withheld information about the enhanced interrogation techniques used on known terrorists in 2002, the CIA revealed for the first time that not only was Pelosi fully briefed on the subject, but she was briefed in the form of a thunderous heavy metal song to "hammer home" the point.

The song, called "Waterboarding," was performed by the band Judas Priest and included the refrain: “What the terrorists knew they wouldn't say, so we had to find another way! Some may think it's uncouth, but it's time to flush out ... the ... truth! Wa-ter-board-ing! Wa-ter-board-ing!”

After the CIA released the video of the high octane performance, Pelosi contended the briefing itself constituted torture. “Sure, I was fully briefed,” she told reporters, “but they strapped me to an inverted sound board and drilled the information into my head with relentless ear-splitting vocals.”

Associated articles and video: http://hotair.com/archives/2009/05/14/video-pelosi-goes-nuclear-on-the-cia-over-torture-as-cheneys-memo-request-is-denied/; http://thehill.com/leading-the-news/cia-director-fires-back-at-pelosi-2009-05-15.html

Attorney General Assures Congress Only Less Competent Terrorists Will Be Released

Washington, D.C.--In January, President Obama signed an executive order to close the Guantanamo Bay detention facility within a year, leaving open the possibility that terrorist detainees would be released into the United States or other countries.

At a Congressional hearing last week, Attorney General Eric Holder was asked whether he believed he had the authority to release someone with terrorist training into the U.S. Holder didn’t directly answer the question, but said the Obama Administration doesn’t have any plans to release “terrorists.” This week, at another hearing, Holder was pressed further on what sorts of people he considers “terrorists.”

When asked whether he would consider someone a terrorist if they were a member of a terrorist group and received terrorist training at a camp run by terrorists, Holder replied, “I think you need to make individual determinations regarding what type of training that person received.”

Using one of several jihadist report cards captured in anti-terror raids, Holder showed how Binyam Batarfi -- a detainee likely to be released -- had done poorly in his beheading course. The report card included the notes of Batarfi’s instructor, who remarked of his student, “Not so good with knife; perhaps Binyam could instead cut heads of lettuce at a terrorist safe house.”

Other instructor notes indicated that while Batarfi was “eager to kill innocents, his shy nature inhibited his integration into civilian populations.” And his biological weapons teacher added that Batarfi “has trouble distinguishing smallpox from chicken pox.”

Holder also pointed to the example of Binyam Mohammed, who was released by the Obama Administration to England earlier this year. Mohammed was a member of al-Qaeda, met personally with Osama bin Laden, received extensive terrorist training and was an intended accomplice of would-be “dirty bomber” -- and now convicted terrorist -- Jose Padilla. Mohammed planned to carry out mass-murder attacks in American cities that included a range of possible targets and modes of attack, from striking U.S. subways to setting apartment buildings on fire using ordinary gas lines.

Justifying the Administration’s decision to release Mohammed, Holder said “How good a terrorist could he be? He was caught.”

Holder questioned the threat posed by terrorist trainees who lost fingers in bomb-making classes, or whose poorly designed weapons are likely to miss their intended targets.

He also downplayed the notion that past membership in a terrorist organization alone should be a cause for concern, noting “Heck, I’m a member of a book club that reads crime novels. I wouldn’t want that held against me.”

Associated video:


Associated articles: http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D981ILK81&show_article=1; http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/05/07/holder-says-terrorists-wont-set-free/; http://www.longwarjournal.org/archives/2009/04/the_uighurs_in_their-print.php; http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=ZTMyNTY5YTk1ZDJhOGY2MWI0NGE1ZmU3ZTgwYWZkODE=; http://www.longwarjournal.org/archives/2009/02/binyam_mohamed_the_f.php; http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-gitmo-release24-2009apr24,0,7979465.story; additional video: Homeland Security Fail

Late Night Comedians Break Obama Joke Silence; Mock President’s Opposition to Same-Sex Marriage, then Compete for His Hand in Matrimony

Despite a large variety of policy and personal gaffes, President Obama has remained largely immune from criticism by adoring late night comics who seem incapable of faulting a man they consider the most gifted bureaucrat in the world. Comedians say that while Obama's spending taxpayer money as fast as he can, extending government control over more and more industries, and releasing known terrorists, there's very little to mock.

Except one thing: Obama's opposition to same-sex marriage, which, it turns out, they have a deeply personal reason for attacking.

It all started when the first-ever joke at Obama's expense was recorded on the set of the Daily Show. During an interview with White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel, the show’s host, Jon Stewart, asked “Does Obama oppose same-sex marriage because he thinks it means the same boring sex all the time?”

The audience laughed, and Emanuel took the remark as a humorous but rhetorical question. But Stewart persisted, flashing an unusually serious-not-goofy facial expression that sank the studio into a tense silence. "If Obama married me," said Stewart, "I’d rock his world, every which way and backwards."

“If it came off as personal, it was” said Stewart after the taping. “Obama’s the most intelligent, beautiful, and witty human being in the world, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.”

The next night, Stephen Colbert, the cerebral jokester behind the Colbert Report, made his own pitch. “Obama's sole imperfection is his rejection of my right to marry him," he said. "That one policy position stands in the way of our achieving the perfect union together, and I have to start using humor to break down that barrier.”

Stewart publicly proposed to the President on his show last night. Industry insiders said he was forced to act quickly when he discovered David Letterman had purchased a ring and Jay Leno had reserved most of the popular summertime wedding sites.

Sources say the comedic assault on Obama’s support for traditional marriage involves all the top television comics. "This is more than a love triangle," said Colbert. “It's a love dodecahedron!"

Associated article: http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/may/05/for-political-comedians-the-jokes-not-on-obama/

Joe Bama “Smooth Character” Ad Campaign Used to Promote Administration Health Care Policy

Washington, D.C.--President Obama announced his proposal for government-run health care yesterday, a plan that calls for the government to be the primary gatekeeper of medical products and services so it can control access and dictate prices.

The President also unveiled an ad campaign featuring a cartoonish “Smooth Character” called Joe Bama that will promote the program to the public.

Obama made the announcement surrounded by doctors who signed on to the plan after the President threatened to publicly shame them as “medical speculators” who “gambled with people’s health.”

The President predicted overwhelming support for his program, saying “Everyone will be hooked.”

Critics accused Obama of “spiking” medical care by providing only limited amounts per visit, but Administration officials defended the program, pointing to another promotional ad featuring a smiling patient declaring “I’d walk a mile in line for Obama-Care!”

Patients would pay for Obama-Care with Obama Cash, which would buy twenty cents worth of medical care for every taxpayer dollar spent.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs dismissed concerns regarding the inevitable long-term pain federal control over health care would bring, saying “While it is a risk factor, there is no evidence government-run health programs cause a reduction in choice and quality,” except in Canada, Europe, and the former Soviet Union.

Asked if the President, who is a smoker, was concerned that a popular cartoon character was being used to sell a product that’s bad for people in the long run, Gibbs said, “There will be warning labels on government insurance forms. And if anything goes wrong, patients can always sue their doctors.”

Associated articles: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124208383695408513.html; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124208364853008485.html; http://www.slate.com/id/2206445/; http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/016/476phyyl.asp; http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/11/us/politics/11health.html?_r=2; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/12/AR2009061203852.html; http://www.hoover.org/publications/digest/3459466.html

Speaker Pelosi Touts Her Book Sequel, “Know Your Cower: A Message to America’s Daughters (about Enhanced Interrogation Techniques)”

San Francisco, CA.--Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi began a book tour last week touting the sequel to her previous book entitled “Know Your Power: A Message to America’s Daughters,” in which Pelosi drew from her political experiences to encourage young women to step up to challenges and opportunities.

Her new book, entitled “Know Your Cower,” is based on more recent political experiences in which Pelosi was fully briefed on the CIA’s use of enhanced interrogation techniques, such as waterboarding, in 2002. She acquiesced in those techniques without offering any objections. But now, says Pelosi, she’s had to deny her approval in the face of outrage from her leftist base, which calls those techniques “torture.”

Says Pelosi, “My first book talked about how with power comes responsibility. My new book builds on that message, and adds that with power comes deniability as well.”

Pelosi originally claimed the CIA briefing she attended did not include a discussion of “any” enhanced interrogation techniques, but the Office of the Director of National Intelligence subsequently released a document that made clear Pelosi was not only briefed on such techniques, but she was also briefed on their “use.”

Pelosi read portions of her book yesterday to a gathering of young girls who sat around her on the floor at a San Francisco bookstore. “Life will present you with many opportunities to take responsibility for your decisions,” she told them. “And when that happens,” she said, leaning toward the kids with her hands curled like a clawing tiger, “you need to run, children -- run as fast as you can!”

One girl who attended, named Sandy, said she asked Pelosi how she squared her previous statement with the more recent report that contradicted her. “She just looked at me with eyes as big as saucers, covered her ears, and started humming,” said Sandy. “I’m going to remember that technique the next time I’m interrogated about decisions I’ve made in the past!”

Another girl was less impressed with Pelosi’s humming. “I get the deniability part,” she said afterward. “But the deniability has to be, you know, plausible and stuff.”

Associated articles: Fox News; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/08/AR2007120801664_pf.html; http://blogs.abcnews.com/thenote/2009/05/intelligence-re.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/24/AR2009042403339.html?nav=rss_opinion/columns; http://www.politico.com/blogs/glennthrush/0409/Pelosi_Officials_said_they_wouldnt_use_waterboarding.html; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124182533815302417.html; http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=NjU1ZGI3ZGM0Zjc1ZDg1MzQyMmQ3NDQyMGIzNWM3ODA=; http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0509/22448.html; http://thehill.com/leading-the-news/cia-director-fires-back-at-pelosi-2009-05-15.html; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124701436661709153.html#mod=todays_us_opinion

Perpetrators of Vicious Hateful Beating of Iraq War Veteran Have Sentences Reduced After Shocking Courtroom Revelation

Lou Roberts, an Iraq war veteran, was viciously beaten by a group of Iraq war protesters who singled him out because he was wearing his uniform.

Roberts was on his way to visit his partner when a large group of protesters began taunting him. They surrounded him, knocked him to the ground, and kicked him repeatedly, breaking several ribs, cracking his skull, and leaving him for dead after taking his wallet.

The incident led to the first-ever federal hate crimes trial prosecuted under a new law that imposes more severe penalties on those whose crimes are motivated by hatred for certain classes of people whom the legislation singles out for special protection.

Testimony at trial revealed one of the assailants remarked that Roberts “looked like one of the four-eyed geeks” he used to pick on in high school, and that he was probably “a patriotic nut who’s been responsible enough to save lots of money for his family.”

The perpetrators were on the verge of being convicted of aggravated assault and attempted murder -- and sentenced to life in prison -- when defense lawyers showed the jury a shocking photo of Roberts kissing his partner.

His partner was a woman, and Roberts was, in fact, a heterosexual. Gasps rippled through the courtroom, and several jurors, visibly shocked, steadied themselves in their chairs.

None of the factors that motivated Roberts’ attackers were covered by the hate crimes law -- which protects only certain people, including gays and lesbians -- and consequently the assailants’ sentences were significantly reduced.

“The victim seemed like such a nice fellow, and my heart really went out to him,” one juror said following the reduction in sentence. “But when we learned he was a heterosexual, well, the crime didn’t seem so horrible, at least in the eyes of the law.”

Associated article: http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSTRE53S8IM20090429

Associated video:

Speaker Pelosi Asked to Intercede in Congressional Turf War Over Mortgage, Senate Seat, and Defense Contracting Rackets

Washington, D.C.--Democrat leaders urged Speaker Nancy Pelosi to intercede after a congressional turf war erupted over congressional control of rackets in mortgages, Senate seats, and defense contracting.

Taxpayer money is being appropriated faster than bookies on the House Ways & Means Committee can process it, and their chairman, Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY), has been distracted by an ethics investigation regarding his failure to pay federal income taxes. The result is a rare breakdown in business as usual and a struggle for control over what scarce private funds remain in the economy.

The gangland rivalry began when Rep. Jesse Jackson (D-IL) called defense contracting “a dirty business” and threatened to divert lobbyist donations from a defense project in Rep. Jack Murtha’s (D-PA) district to Jackson’s Senate seat gambling operations in Chicago.

Rep. Murtha, a member of the House Appropriations Committee, struck back. The next day Jackson received a jackass’s ear in an inter-office envelope. “It was an appropriator message,” said a source. “It means your earmark sleeps with the donkeys at the bottom of the canyon.”

The situation escalated when Jackson found his Senate seat reduced to a smoldering pile by weapons the Pentagon had long rejected as unnecessary. And it reached a head when the loss of the Senate seat cost Senate Banking Committee Chairman Chris Dodd (D-CT) leverage in negotiations over a conference report involving housing bailout policies. Dodd retaliated, and Murtha saw his mortgage rate skyrocket.

The next day, Speaker Pelosi called an emergency meeting of the congressional families. According to sources, Pelosi told those assembled that “vengeance won’t bring your earmark back,” and she admonished them to maintain the peace, saying “There’s enough taxpayer money for everyone as long as we don’t draw unwanted attention.”

But attention became impossible to avoid as family members, for the first time, broke the “code of silence” -- a family agreement to keep secrets that was employed most recently in a federal criminal prosecution when the Justice Department refused to give exculpatory information to lawyers for Republican Senator Ted Stevens.

Since then, word has leaked that Dodd’s Connecticut and Washington, D.C. homes were refinanced to below-market rates by a mortgage company under the jurisdiction of his banking committee. Dodd has insisted he was unaware being on the company’s “V.I.P list” meant he was receiving special treatment, saying “V.I.P? I thought the gesture was in honor of my late godfather, Vespaciano Ignacio Pasquini.”

Dodd has also come under scrutiny for authoring a provision in the federal spending bill that allows bailed-out companies to pay huge bonuses while receiving taxpayer dollars. He expressed dismay at the popular uproar that followed, saying “This isn’t personal. It’s business. Or government. Or business controlled by government. Capiche?”

The latest controversy surfaced when family members began questioning whether Murtha, along with Reps. Jim Moran (D-VA) and Peter Viscosky (D-IN), had steered $250 million in defense appropriations to clients of the PMA Group and KSA Consulting, which employed Murtha’s brother Robert.

“That’s my family,” Murtha said. “It’s not me.”

Associated articles: http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/03/18/aig.bonuses.congress/; http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/21/opinion/21tue3.html?_r=1; http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0209/18829.html; http://www.rollcall.com/news/34106-1.html; http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/blagojevich/1523779,jesse-jackson-blagojevich-senate-seat-041309.article; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123863051723580701.html; http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-goldberg5-2009may05,1,4047331.column; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/11/01/AR2009110102088.html
Associated video: http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?cl=13140642

White House Apologizes for Apocalyptic Photo-Op

Washington, D.C.--Amidst a shrieking crowd, President Obama marked his 100th day in office with a spectacular surprise photo-op that brought many to tears, others to their knees, and still others to emergency psychiatric wards.

To celebrate the control he has achieved over vast swaths of America’s industrial policy during his first few months in office, the White House arranged an unannounced publicity event that included a fleet of giant excavation machinery that surrounded tourists and other visitors on the National Mall.

Thunderous roars shook the ground as four-story bulldozers and mammoth earth-moving equipment suddenly emerged from a normally placid reflecting pool like multi-headed Beasts, blocking out the sun.

“We heard trumpets blare, and then a booming voice saying something about hope and change, and the coming of a new day,” said one pale eyewitness as she was carried in a stretcher to one of several waiting ambulances. “When I saw the angels, I thought this is the end.”

The angels -- Victoria’s Secret supermodels hanging from invisible wires – flanked the steps of the Lincoln Memorial as four of Obama’s cabinet members rode in on horseback, representing the Treasury, Transportation, Commerce, and Labor Departments.

Obama made his surprise entrance by running through seven large paper seals featuring the symbol used to mark construction projects funded by the massive federal spending bill enacted earlier this year.

Some nay-sayers said the Administration’s quest for the “perfect photo-op” may have gone too far this time, in the wake of another unannounced photo-op in which a plane used as a backup for Air Force One swooped low in the sky over New York, causing mass panic in Manhattan, which had been the target of terrorist attacks that killed 3,000 people in September, 2001.

By late afternoon, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters the Administration “regrets if some people interpreted the event as the Apocalypse.”

Associated articles and video: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2009/04/27/ST2009042703198.html?sid=ST2009042703198; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn0tMMYEkQU&feature=player_embedded; http://www.ny1.com/content/top_stories/98059/low-flying-plane-strikes-fear-in-some-new-yorkers/Default.aspx; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMoy8JprKI0&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fhotair.com%2Farchives%2F2009%2F04%2F28%2Fpostscript-what-should-obamas-next-photo-op-be%2F&feature=player_embedded; http://www.nypost.com/seven/04252009/postopinion/opedcolumnists/100_days__100_mistakes_166177.htm?page=0

Iraqis Celebrate Second Anniversary of “Wonderful, Colossal” Erroneous Prediction of U.S. Senator Harry Reid

Two years after U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid declared the Iraq war "lost" and that “the surge is not accomplishing anything,” Iraqis celebrated the second anniversary of those wonderfully inept remarks.

In neighborhoods that 84% of Iraqis now say are safe, huge crowds gathered to cheer the inspiring lack of foresight demonstrated by the leader of the U.S. Senate. As 64% of Iraqis now say democracy is the best form of government and reject an Islamic state, and 75% of Iraqis now support their own security forces, even higher percentages now say Senator Reid laid a really, really big one two years ago.

“We cringe when we hear Reid’s statements,” said one jubilant Iraqi, “but it’s a good kind of cringe.”

Now that stores are thriving, a huge market has developed in merchandise commemorating Senator Reid’s now-defunct declaration, including a uniquely Iraqi version of the "Magic Eight Ball" that, when shaken, says only “Not What Senator Reid Said.”

Iraqi children filled the now-bustling streets, many blowing home-made horns painted to symbolize an empty head making meaningless noise. Parents held signs that read “Keep Reid Wrong.”

One Iraqi, hands in the air, said “We are blessed the United States Senate is led by a man who has proven to be so spectacularly wrong in his dire predictions. Were it not for his tremendous capacity for uninformed cynicism, we would not be celebrating today.”

Associated videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYZEGot-xU4; http://hotair.com/archives/2009/03/17/video-the-most-relentlessly-upbeat-iraq-news-segment-youll-ever-see/

Lawyers Advise Fire Departments to Close Until Fires Destroy More Racially Proportionate Numbers of Homes

In February, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder gave a speech in which he called America “a nation of cowards” because Americans did not concern themselves enough with issues of race. Now, a case currently under consideration by the U.S. Supreme Court highlights the need for public authorities to give race more attention.

That case involves Frank Ricci, a firefighter in New Haven, Connecticut, who earned a promotion to lieutenant in the city fire department. Ricci studied for 8 to 13 hours a day to prepare for the combined written and oral exam, spent more than $1,000 buying the books the city suggested as homework, and paid an acquaintance to read them onto audiotapes because Ricci is dyslexic and learns better by listening.

Ricci got one of the highest scores, and the city confirmed the test was unbiased. But of the top 15 scorers, 14 were white, one was Latino, and none were black. Consequently, city officials threw out the test scores and denied promotions to everyone because, they said, if the city did not promote firefighters in a racially proportionate manner, they could be subject to civil rights lawsuits.

The Obama Administration’s Justice Department has filed papers in the case supporting the city, stating it was justified in denying the promotions if the test had “gross exclusionary effects on minorities.”

Now, local officials around the country are considering building on that civil rights agenda by disbanding their fire departments entirely until fires destroy a racially proportionate number of houses.

“Beyond hiring policies, we’re concerned that fires aren’t destroying houses in a way that strictly reflects the race of home dwellers,” said one local fire chief, “so we may have to suspend fire protection services until we see more diversity in home combustion.” Another fire official added that, in her community, “the statistics show we need to wait until three more Asian and two more Latino homes are razed" until services resume.

Local police officials have said they were also considering limiting patrols until they see a rise or fall in crimes in certain ethnic neighborhoods.

States have begun to hire diversity consultants to recommend how they can encourage greater racial parity in misfortunes. Recommended options include helping to “spread the tragedy around” by requiring those who score high on tests that demonstrate their effectiveness in combating crime and promoting safety to take such tests again under hornet's nests, if their promotions would impair diversity goals.

Associated articles: Chicago Sun-Times; http://www.nationaljournal.com/njmagazine/or_20081213_3739.php; http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/19/holder.folo/; http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-firefighters6-2009apr06,0,711948.story; http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/06/us/politics/06ricci.html; Forbes

Department of Homeland Security Releases Threat Assessment; Warns of People Motivated by Thought

Washington, D.C.--Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano issued a “threat assessment” report to state and local law enforcement officials yesterday, designed to make them aware of people who warrant monitoring by police. The report singles out veterans and those who oppose the Obama Administration’s policies on immigration, gun control, and abortion, as worthy of enhanced surveillance.

The report makes clear that DHS “has no specific information that domestic right wing terrorists are currently plotting acts of violence” and fails to mention a single “rightwing” organization, unlike reports issued in previous years that have listed multiple known terrorist groups and described their plans. Sources said that in making the most recent threat estimates, DHS was relying less on the vagaries of specific examples and more on "immutable laws" such as the axiom “pro-guns equals hate.”

The report appears to draw on the genetic theories of actress Janeane Garofalo, who said in a recent interview “I really believe that some people’s limbic brain dominates more than others. Our limbic brain controls all our emotions and it causes us to be irrational … I really believe that if a neuroscientist examined the brain of somebody who identified as a conservative, they would find it’s wired differently.” According to DHS sources, Garofalo’s theory of how genetically determined brain function is tied to dangerous political orientations could prove useful in, for example, “finding out who’s a rightwing eugenicist.”

The DHS report notes that rightwing extremists can include those who "are antagonistic toward the new presidential administration and its perceived stance on a range of issues, including immigration and citizenship.” One DHS official explained that “anyone who supports the enforcement of current immigration laws must be prone to authoritarianism.”

Regarding abortion, the report states that rightwing extremism “may include groups and individuals that are dedicated to a single issue, such as opposition to abortion.” It also states extremist groups include those that oppose “the expansion of social programs to minorities.” The inclusion of pro-life groups in the threat assessment was hailed by a representative of the birth control organization Planned Parenthood, who said “Finally, those who oppose abortion and minorities are being exposed as the hate mongers they are.” The representative made the statement at a ceremony in which Planned Parenthood presented its annual “Maggie Award,” named after the organization’s founder, Margaret Sanger, who created a “Negro Project” in 1939 that stated “Negroes still breed carelessly and disastrously, with the result that the increase among Negroes … is [in] that portion of the population least intelligent and fit.”

The DHS report also states that rightwing extremism can include groups known for “rejecting federal authority in favor of state or local authority,” calling to mind notorious extremists in American history, such as James Madison and Thomas Jefferson, who led a revolution to create a Constitution that placed strict limits on the power of the federal government.

The guidance to local law enforcement also reminds them that “Returning veterans possess combat skills and experience that are attractive to rightwing extremists.” DHS sources added that, beyond their combat training, returning veterans might have become more keenly dedicated to protecting individual rights and personal freedom during the course of their service, which could prove useful to those opposed to some Administration programs.

Finally, the report notes that “Proposed imposition of firearms restrictions and weapons bans likely would attract new members into the ranks of rightwing extremist groups.” Howard Dean, the former head of the Democratic National Committee who was endorsed repeatedly by the National Rifle Association, declined comment.

Associated articles: http://www.gordonunleashed.com/HSA%20-%20Rightwing%20Extremism%20-%2009%2004%2007.pdf; http://www.foxnews.com/projects/pdf/Leftwing_Extremist_Threat.pdf; http://www.osti.gov/bridge/servlets/purl/780410-SHVVvq/native/780410.PDF; http://www.powerlineblog.com/archives/2009/04/023329.php; http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/17/homeland-security-got-internal-flags/; http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/17/smearing-veterans/; http://newsbusters.org/blogs/noel-sheppard/2009/04/16/garofalo-tea-partiers-are-all-racists-who-hate-black-presiden; http://newsbusters.org/blogs/lynn-davidson/2009/02/13/janeane-garofalo-says-gopers-are-holes-sarah-palin-small-minded; http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/21/fbis-most-wanted-lists-1st-domestic-terror-suspect/

Wholesale and Retail Sales Plummet to – Aw, Lookit the Dawgie!

Washington, D.C.—Officials gathered in Washington yesterday to announce retail sales had dropped sharply in March and wholesale prices fell steeply amidst an incredibly cuddly ball of soft fur. Both pieces of data, just released by the government, underscored the absolutely adorable slog the nation faces to emerge from its deep recession. The stock market fell 2 percent, followed by the cutest little tail and an absolutely priceless bout with a chew toy. The Chairman of the Federal Reserve seemed almost at a loss for words in summing up the significance of the current situation, saying only “Portuguese … water … dog.”




Associated articles: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/14/AR2009041400893.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/14/AR2009041402306.html; http://hotair.com/archives/2009/04/14/media-goes-berserk-over-obamas-dog/

Fair Share

Associated articles: http://thehill.com/leading-the-news/obamas-tax-reckoning-2009-04-14.html; http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/04/15/walker.tax.debt/index.html; http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D97MDHAG0&show_article=1; http://www.cbo.gov/doc.cfm?index=10014; associated video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gv4OeKmWjOI

Obama Science Advisor: “The End is Near, So We Might As Well Amuse Ourselves with Outlandish Global Warming Solutions”

While the Earth is currently undergoing a cooling period that computer models failed to predict, President Obama’s science advisor said yesterday the White House was already considering radical means for artificially altering the earth’s climate to prevent global warming.

Saying “we don’t have the luxury of ruling any approach off the table,” adviser John Holdron compared global warming to being “in a car with bad brakes driving toward a cliff in the fog,” except the brakes might not be bad, the cliff might not exist, the fog is a product of flawed climate change models that have failed to predict actual recorded temperatures in recent decades, and acting on such an apocalyptic analogy could actually result in said apocalypse.

Holdron outlined the following possible “geoengineering” options:

-- Creating artificial volcanoes that shoot sulfer particles into the upper atmosphere to reflect the sun’s rays. When asked where such volcanoes should be put, Holdron said that since any efforts on the part of industrialized nations to cut carbon emissions would be pointless unless undeveloped countries were prohibited from industrializing and increasing their quality of life, “we might as well put them all in the poorest parts of Africa.”

-- Building a giant tanning platform in the stratosphere where Hollywood celebrities would sunbath under giant metallic ultraviolet ray reflectors. “Aston Kutcher and Demi Moore have already pledged their fealty to President Obama,” said Holdron, “so they’re first on the list.”

-- Stationing groups of easily manipulable children across the globe who would “sing for change.” Holdron said “Such singing could scare flocks of birds and other flying animals aloft to block large swaths of harmful rays.”

Holdron admitted that international negotiations regarding what the ideal Earth temperature should be "might prove a bit difficult" in light of deep cultural and economic differences. For example, he expected European countries to "insist the temperature remain suitable for Speedos year-round."

Associated articles: http://www.newser.com/article/d97ekuog0/obama-science-adviser-global-warming-so-dire-we-may-need-to-tinker-with-earths-atmosphere.html; http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/10/blowing-smoke-the-obama-white-house-spews-climate-/; http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/2009/01/celebrities_pledge_fealty_to_k.asp; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2naSzb1psU&feature=related

President Claims Success Following First European Negotiations; Says While All He Got Was a T-Shirt, It Was “Pretty Sweet” as T-Shirts Go

President Barack Obama returned to the U.S. yesterday following his first multilateral meetings in London, Strasbourg, and Prague. Proclaiming success at the end of negotiations, Obama pointed to what he described as a “pretty sweet t-shirt, made of a linen and cotton blend, not the cheap kind you find at retail chains that fade after a couple washes.” The t-shirt appeared to have a piece of paper taped on the back, which Administration officials promptly removed.

Obama led the international negotiations by apologizing profusely for past American behavior dating back to its use of the atomic bomb, which ended World War II. In return, Western European countries agreed not to complicate Obama’s military buildup in Afghanistan by contributing their own troops to the effort, which, they said, “would only make the logistics of retreat more cumbersome.”

While French President Nicolas Sarkozy and German Chancellor Angela Merkel achieved concessions by declaring their respective positions “nonnegotiable” and “not a bargaining chip,” an adoring Europe appreciated what they described as Obama’s unique and refreshing approach to the the talks. As one foreign official said, “He would often stand silently, but confidently, with a book tucked under one arm.” The book, according to Administration sources, was titled “Getting to Maybe.”

When Obama was asked his reaction to North Korea’s launch of a missile-ready rocket at about the same time he delivered his speech urging “a strong international response” to that country’s quest for nuclear weapons, the President indicated the launch was a positive result of his remarks. “I want North Korea to be able to dispose of any such arsenal as quickly as possible,” he said, “and what quicker means of disposal than long-range propulsion technology?” The next day, the Administration announced large reductions in U.S. missile defense.

Obama also agreed to start negotiations with Russia to reduce the number of nuclear weapons in the two countries. Obama was asked why the U.S. made such an agreement when Russian nuclear stockpiles are deteriorating rapidly anway, and why Iran -- whose nuclear program poses a much greater threat to world security -- was not linked to the negotiations. The President explained that while Iran was coming dangerously close to a nuclear capability, it “didn’t yet have the technology to produce a decent t-shirt for bargaining purposes.”

Associated articles: http://www.politico.com/blogs/bensmith/0409/White_House_No_bow_to_Saudi.html?showall; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/03/AR2009040301945.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/06/AR2009040601602.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/09/AR2009040903367.html

Bailout Board Meeting

Associated article: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/06/AR2009040603232.html

Pledge Drive

Associated article: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/05/AR2009040501890.html; http://stopspendingourfuture.org/

CIA Encouraged by Latest Edition of Terrorist Style and Usage Manual

In recent weeks, President Obama’s Administration has instituted new rules regarding the use of language in official federal government communications. The program, in the words of Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano, is designed to show “we want to move away from a politics of fear.”

To that end, official government statements have replaced the phrase “war on terror” with “overseas contingency operations,” and the term “terrorism” with “man-caused disasters.”

Critics ridiculed the changes. But intelligence officials announced yesterday they had solid evidence the new language policies were yielding concrete results.

“Years ago,” an intelligence spokesperson told reporters, “we discovered an al-Qaida training document in England that contained extensive descriptions of how to wage war against infidels.” He then described how intelligence agents, just last week, intercepted a new edition of the same training manual that contains no such descriptions. Instead, encouraged officials said, the new manual indicates an entirely new direction for terrorist organizations.

The spokesperson said the new manual contains an updated chapter on style and usage that disfavors references to “beheading” infidels. “Instead,” he said, “the manual recommends inducing ‘cerebral separation anxiety,’” which, he added, “sounds a heckuvalot better to us.”

The officials also noted that nowhere in the new manual is there any reference to the goal of inflicting mass casualties. “Rather, what we see in the new manual is an emphasis on the production of something called ‘body confetti.’" While acknowledging that precise translation is always difficult, the spokesman said, "we’re feeling a lot warmer and fuzzier about that prospect.”

The new style manual also appears to pick up on Secretary Napolitano’s use of the term “man-caused disasters” by referring to its reading audience as “man-causes” rather than “terrorists.” The manual even includes a chapter on fashion that encourages "man-causes" to carry explosives in “manbags” instead of backpacks, adding manbags “have longer straps, are lighter on the shoulder, and more conducive to good posture.”

Associated articles: National Review; http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/03/us/politics/02web-baker.html?_r=1; http://www.fas.org/irp/world/para/manualpart1.html

Transparency

Associated articles: http://www.politico.com/blogs/glennthrush/0309/Bailout_Watchdog_Treasurys_stonewalling_.html; http://www.mcclatchydc.com/227/story/65195.html; http://sigtarp.gov/reports/congress/2009/April2009_Quarterly_Report_to_Congress.pdf

Obama Becomes First Commander-in-Chief Chief Executive Officer of GM

Detroit--After ousting General Motors Corporation’s former chief operating officer, and following GM’s spending billions of dollars in government loans he supported, President Obama officially took control of the automaker as its first Commander-in-Chief Chief Executive Officer.

At a ribbon-cutting ceremony, the President took the opportunity to announce the government would guarantee all GM warranties to instill consumer confidence. Under the program, GM cars would be covered under warranty as long as car owners had government-issued IDs, paid a licensing fee, took a course in car maintenance, provided a complete history of car upkeep free of adverse car events, and submitted multiple competitive bids from companies employing only green-certified union workers.

The President then addressed GM’s plans moving forward. He told reporters that before he became a politician, he was a community organizer and a law professor, and as such “the only things I’ve designed are protest signs and a syllabus or two.” But he boldly predicted the success of two new car lines he has aleady begun developing.

The first, modeled closely on the now-defunct Yugoslavian government-manufactured “Yugo,” will be called the “You Go, Girl!” and promoted by Presidential friend Oprah Winfrey. The second, dubbed the Katrina, would fulfill the President's commitment to produce "greener" cars that run exclusively on hope and change.

Asked when prototypes of the cars might be available to the public, the President said only that there was an interim “Plan B,” which sources later confirmed stands for “bankruptcy.”

Associated articles: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/30/business/30auto.html?_r=2&hp=&pagewanted=all; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123841609048669495.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/03/AR2009040303025.html; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124113484242375207.html; http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=ZmNjM2Y4YmM4YTIyYWJkNGU1ZDE4YjgyOWY5NGYyNWI=; National Affairs; Washington Post; New Editor

L' États-Unis

Associated articles: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/20/AR2009032002193.html; http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/23/world/europe/23saab.html; http://briefingroom.thehill.com/2009/03/26/gregg-us-couldnt-even-join-eu-due-to-debt-levels/; http://www.cbo.gov/ftpdocs/100xx/doc10014/03-20-PresidentBudget.pdf; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123966939766015517.html

Photographer Disciplined for Snapping President at Bad Angle

The New York Times announced yesterday that it was disciplining one of its editors, Neil Thomas, and a photographer, for approving the publication of a photograph of President Barack Obama that was judged to have been taken from not the best angle. News of the action rocked the journalism world as editors, photographers, and publishers reevaluated how best to convey to readers the total perfection that is President Obama.

Times editor-in-chief Lewis Mann, discussing the lapse of standards with reporters, said “Our journalistic philosophy is that if an image or a report does not capture the true majesty of the President's grandeur, that image or report is essentially a lie. And the Times does not print lies.”

The announcement by the Times follows a string of journalistic lapses by the venerable newspaper commonly known as the Old Gray Lady on Her Death Bed. Last week, a Times reporter was taken to task for writing an article that mentioned a remark the President made on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno in which the President likened his poor bowling abilities to the Special Olympics. The next day the Times published a retraction expressing regret for the article, clarifying that “When President Obama compared his really pitiful bowling ability to the Special Olympics, he was making fun of himself, not the people he explicitly compared himself to as being really pitiful bowlers.”

Previously, the Times reported on the President’s first meeting with the Prime Minister of Great Britain, a country that shares a historically special relationship with the U.S. During the traditional gift exchange, the Prime Minister gave the President a pen holder carved from the timbers of the HMS Gannett, a sister ship of the HMS Resolute, the Resolute’s commissioning certificate, and a seven-volume biography of Winston Churchill. In return, President Obama gave the Prime Minister a 25-pack of American movies that were incompatible with British DVD players. That Times report was quickly amended to make clear that the non-functioning DVDs were “a thoughtful if subtle expression of how the relations between the U.S. and Great Britain transcend the superficiality of Hollywood make-believe.”

It has also been reported that another writer for the Times was on the verge of filing a report that mentioned how the President had mistaken a White House window for a door, but his editor rejected it before publication. An anonymous source tells this newspaper the editor explained to the reporter that while former President Bush’s struggle with a locked door was publication-worthy, President Obama’s struggle with a window was not, as “Obama sees windows as opportunities. Bush saw doors as things meant to stay shut.”

But perhaps the most glaring breach of journalistic standards occurred just a few days ago when an article was posted on the Times website that referenced the President’s obsessive reliance on his teleprompter when making public statements. The posting was immediately taken down for reasons that were never made public. But sources told this newspaper the posting violated journalistic standards because “It’s common knowledge that, far from relying too much on his teleprompter, Obama is actually transferring his exquisitely crafted, wholly spontaneous thoughts in real time onto the screens around him through sheer force of brain power, so others on the far sides of the room can see his remarks.”

Associated articles: http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2009/03/president-ob-15.html; http://newsbusters.org/blogs/warner-todd-huston/2009/03/07/obamas-british-gift-gaffe-not-reported-u-s-media; http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/mandrake/5011941/Gordon-Brown-is-frustrated-by-Psycho-in-No-10.html; http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2009/01/28/2009-01-28_hey_bam_thats_not_the_door.html; http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2009/04/14/staged-military-photo-ops-suddenly-awesome/

Geithner's Inbox

Associated articles: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/23/opinion/23krugman.html?_r=2; http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/politics/Even-with-new-nominations-Geithner-is-still-virtually-home-alone-at-Treasury-41721577.html

Obama's Children's Book

Associated articles: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/mar/19/obamas-500000-book-bonanza/; http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/mar/22/threat-of-inflation-sky-high/; http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=ZmM4NDRiNzEwOGRkNzI2MTQwODdkMDU1Nzc5N2M1YmE==; http://blog.heritage.org/2009/03/24/bush-deficit-vs-obama-deficit-in-pictures; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124458888993599879.html

Bonus Bind

Associated articles: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/16/AR2009031600640.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/16/AR2009031602961.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/16/AR2009031602593.html; http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0309/20140.html

Name Changers

Associated article: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/13/AR2009031302371.html; http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=YTY3MzZlNTZlNDdhMTJiMGRjYzkyZDU3NmMwMWViY2E=;
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123734209584965205.html#mod=todays_us_opinion.
Associated video: http://www.reason.com/blog/show/132516.html

Empty Cabinet

Associated editorial and articles: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/11/AR2009031103384.html; http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/02/13/greggs-withdrawal-stirs-speculation-obamas-census-plan/; http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/barackobama/4950518/Three-more-Obama-nominees-withdraw-from-running.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/12/AR2009031203273.html

Compelling Personal Histories Shape Mortgage Crisis Solutions

(AP) Washington, D.C.--Rep. Barney Frank is the Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee. Sen. Chris Dodd is Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee. For the first time, these two leaders of recent mortgage rescue efforts shared their compelling personal stories and told reporters how those experiences helped shape their proposed solutions to the mortgage lending crisis.

Before a packed Congressional hearing room, Frank described for the first time how “As a Member of Congress, I publicly dismissed calls to reform government-sponsored mortgage companies, denied their failure would threaten the Treasury, and scoffed at the prospect of a coming crisis. All the while, I encouraged the same companies to guarantee more affordable mortgages to people who couldn’t pay them back.”

As a result, he confessed, those companies are now insolvent, and taxpayers are on the hook for some $200 billion to bail them out.

“I saw the writing on the wall, and chose to ignore it,” said Frank, almost inaudibly as he looked down at the podium. “And then,” he said, cupping tears in his cheeks as he cracked a wide smile, “I was rewarded by my constituents with reelection.”

At that fateful moment, said Frank, he became committed to promoting government programs that benefit those who knowingly incur the risk of long-term losses. “If I could be so rewarded for overextending the taxpayer,” said Frank, “how could I not reward those who overextended themselves?”

Sen. Dodd approached the podium next. He appeared somber at first, but as he began to describe his own mortgage history, his cheeks began to glow under a halo of perfectly coiffed hair. Dodd described how he came to be the beneficiary of two sweetheart mortgages brokered by a subprime lender. “There I was, a Senator and a millionaire,” he said. “And someone was going out of their way to do a special favor for me. I was touched. Changed forever.”

It was a change, he said, that tranformed him into a champion for millionaire victims and billion dollar bailouts.

Dodd, the protector of millionaires, and Frank, the protector of those pretending to be millionaires, took one last question before winding down the press conference with a mutual hug.

A reporter asked where their programs left those who live within their more modest means. Frank turned to Dodd, a wet glint in his eye. “We have the greatest job in the world,” said Frank. “We spread the word to the middle class that they’ve been making sacrifices not for themselves and their families, but for others.” Dodd was eager to complete the sentiment. “We bet they find that reward enough.”

Associated video: video; associated articles: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123595305743805193.html; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122091796187012529.html?mod=googlenews_wsj; http://www.courant.com/news/opinion/editorials/hc-dodd.art.artfeb14,0,4221115.story; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123681364667801647.html; http://blogs.usatoday.com/oped/2009/03/our-view-on-f-1.html?loc=interstitialskip; http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/mar/30/aig-chiefs-pressed-to-donate-to-dodd/; http://hotair.com/archives/2009/04/24/video-frank-in-2005-bubble-what-bubble/; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704335904574495682178142104.html

The Great Teleprompterator

Associated article: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0309/19663.html; associated video: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/31051003#31051003; http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2009/07/13/obamas_teleprompter_crashes_during_speech.html; http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8149320.stm

The Plan

Associated article: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123604419092515347.html?mod=rss_opinion_main

Change

Associated article: //www.nytimes.com/2009/02/18/us/politics/18policy.html?_r=2&hp; see also http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=ZTMyNTY5YTk1ZDJhOGY2MWI0NGE1ZmU3ZTgwYWZkODE=; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123638765474658467.html http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/24/AR2009032403501.html; http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/04/06/obama_doj_seeks_dismissal_wiretap_lawsuit/; http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2009/04/on-state-secret.html; http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0409/21207.html; http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/02/us/politics/02gitmo.html?_r=2&partner=rss&emc=rss