Obama Announces Plan to Guarantee All Americans "A Place to Put Your Head in the Sand"

Washington, D.C.--After proposing a $3.73 trillion budget that increases spending amid a record $1.65 trillion federal deficit, President Obama announced his plan to address the nation's unprecedented fiscal crisis by funding an "historic" $1.2 trillion federal public works project that will guarantee that "all citizens have a place to put their head in the sand."

"I play a lot of golf," said Obama, "but it's not just guys like me who should be able to bury their heads from reality in the bunker on the 18th hole. It's time head burying became an entitlement for all Americans."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Washington Post; Keith Hennessey; Wall Street Journal 1; The Hill; Brief History of Obama's Fiscal Record; Mercatus; Hot Air; Wall Street Journal 2; Daily Caller; Mercatus 1 (Debt Ceiling Chart); AP Fact Check; Robert Kimball Table; AP Fact Check 1; Big Government; Wall Street Journal 3; AEI chart; The Hill (CBO projections); AEI chart 2; RSC Jobs Chart; CBO

Obama Inspires Nation to Find "Bold New Ways to Do the Math"

Washington, D.C.--President Obama used his State of the Union Address to urge Congress to find "bold new ways to do the math" of balancing the federal budget, advocating spending even more taxpayer dollars on things like roads, cars, and high-speed rail lines while ignoring major spending cuts.

"Accountants tell us there are only two sides to a balance sheet," said Obama. "But we as a nation can do better. Much better."

The President took the opportunity to recognize several students in the audience who he said were examples of young pioneers "willing to think outside the pizza box" and find new ways to scatter numbers randomly around ledger sheets.

Associated article: Associated Press Fact Check

Santa Asks Kids to Give Back This Year

Washington, D.C.--Children around the country were surprised last night to see Santa Claus deliver an unprecedented prime time television address in which he asked the nation's youth to "give back this year" by contributing what they could to their $40,000 share of the massive national debt.

"I know these are tough economic times," said Santa, "but this year, there are over 6,000 earmarks in the Democratic Congress' spending bill, and the John Murtha Foundation and the Edward M. Kennedy Institute alone need $18 million from your collective allowances."

Santa closed his remarks by explaining to the nation's children that he "had to give out over $800 billion in gifts to the public sector at the beginning of the year," so he was looking to children everywhere to finally "pay up."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

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Associated articles: Associated Press; Wall Street Journal

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Government Bureaucrats Caught Watching Spending Porn at Work

Washington, D.C.--Now that the federal government has run an over $1 trillion deficit for an unprecedented second straight year, an inspector general investigation has revealed that thousands of federal bureaucrats watch "spending porn" on a daily basis, viewing hundreds of thousands of hours of disgusting displays of the waste of taxpayer dollars, and even images of burning money.

"What they've been doing at the office is vile," said one investigator. "Many of these government employees spend most of their time at work watching C-Span and MSNBC, which cater to people with prurient interests in watching taxpayer dollars get flushed down toilets, stuffed down rat holes, and spent on all sorts of boondoggle projects."

One authority said "It's hard to figure anyone could get off on this stuff, but it must have something to do with feelings of power while watching the public's money subjugated and degraded in all sorts of disturbing ways."

Associated articles: Washington Post; The American; Heritage Foundation; USA Today

Obama Blames Republicans for "Sad Legacy of Bar Graphs"

Stimulus Funds Used to Convert Baseball Stadiums to Colosseums

New York, New York--Billions of dollars in federal stimulus funds will be used to convert baseball stadiums into colosseums in places with high unemployment in an effort to appease the restless masses. And Congress has threatened to remove the federal antitrust exemption for Major League Baseball unless players agree to fight much more aggressively.

"These are tough times," said Obama in announcing the giant colosseum project, "and it's only fair that professional baseball players sacrifice as well."

When administration officials were asked to explain the public purpose behind the new program, which accompanies higher taxes to support massive spending on salaries for corrupt government bureaucrats, they said only "When in Rome ..."

Associated article: Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

Democrats Counter Republican Agenda with Delicious Cupcakes

Washington, D.C.--After House Republicans unveiled a public pledge to stop tax increases, lower taxes for small businesses, require congressional approval for regulations with large economic impacts, limit discretionary spending to pre-bailout, pre-stimulus levels, and then cap its growth, Democrats responded by offering an agenda "packed with delicious cupcakes smothered in creamy frosting."

After the Democrats adjourned Congress without performing its most basic function of approving a federal budget or deciding on whether to maintain current tax rates set to expire in January, House Speaker Pelosi said "This is no gimmick. These cupcakes are real, they are tasty, and they will be warm and ready for the American people to enjoy at the start of the next Congress."

Asked about Republicans' criticism regarding how the cupcakes would be paid for, Pelosi responded, "Only Republicans could object to cupcakes. Yummy cupcakes."

Associated article: National Review

Democrats Hire M. Night Shyamalan to Direct Pre-election Media Strategy

Washington, D.C.--Congressional Democrats have hired screenwriter M. Night Shyamalan -- known for his quirky films that include often too-whacked-by-half twist endings -- to direct their final, pre-election media strategy.

"We're very excited to have M. Night Shyamalan on board," said Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "The American people already know what we've done to the country. But many people don't yet know that the unprecedented amounts of taxpayer money we've been spending is going to feed a voracious supernatural deity which, if left unfed, would have feasted on the souls of children."

Democratic officials reacted with relief to the announcement that Shyamalan would be leading their communications efforts.

"So far, the massive stimulus projects we passed seem to have been a near-total waste," said one Democratic National Committee spokesperson. "But now Shyamalan can help people see that we Democrats have actually been saving baby's souls while nobly protecting the American public from mass panic."

Officials close to Shyamalan were tight-lipped about the final details of his communications vision, but they assured reporters "This election will end with the realization that hard-earned taxpayer money had to be wasted to save the next generation, and that money isn't everything in the face of the ravenous jaws of a subterranean soul-sucking beast."

Democrats Hold First Annual Burning Money Festival

Washington, D.C.--Congressional Democrats have begun an annual "Burning Money" event held on the steps of the U.S. Capitol.

The event -- modeled on the popular "Burning Man" festival held in the Nevada desert -- is described as "an experimental community based on radical irresponsibility."

Festival attendees are held to the principles of Burning Money, which include using only other people's resources, taking part in an economy based on earmarks, and leaving no trace of corruption following the event.

Event organizers say it began with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's spontaneously autocratic decision to assemble the $1 trillion federal spending bill into the image of a hapless taxpayer and set it on fire in a ritualistic celebration of spending abandon.

"We hope this tradition is carried on as long as there's money to burn," said Pelosi.

Associated article: Reuters

Democrats Say Government Waste Can Be Paid for by Broadcasting the Horrific Spectacle on Pay-Per-View

Washington, D.C.--Democrats are hoping to recoup at least some of the billions of dollars wasted on failed government spending projects by "broadcasting the horrific spectacle on pay-per-view."

"People pay to watch wrestling and brutal extreme fighting events," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Why not the epic destruction of their own hard-earned money?"

Preparations are already being made to simulcast Congressional debate on spending measures along with graphic depictions of their predictable, catastrophic results.

"Who wouldn't want to watch massive federal spending on a bridge to a sports stadium for the study of the effects of cocaine on monkeys and the impact of radioactive rabbit droppings on the sex lives of salmon, the nun moth, and freshmen women at Syracuse University? That's so whacked!"

One Republican Congressman said the pay-per-view proposal was yet another government boondoggle doomed to fail, saying "The government should put things on pay-per-view that people would actually pay to watch, like the execution of vicious murders, with the money being used to fund their interminable death penalty appeals."

Associated articles: CNS News; Civitas Institute; Senate Republicans; Fact Check

Concerns Raised As Large Amounts of Stimulus Money Go to "Security System" for Altoona, Kansas Library

U.S. Bond Ranking Tanks After Moody's Gives "Stinks" Rating to Obama's S**t

New York, New York--Following news that the federal government will spend $30,500 per household in 2010, a record spending pace not seen since World War II, the credit rating agency Moody's Investors Service officially downgraded its rating of President Obama's s**t to "stinks."

The news came as a shock to investors worldwide, as the popular wisdom had long been that Obama's s**t "just didn't stink," in the words of one international investor.

A spokesman for Moody's said the new lower rating of "toilet grade" was required by an analysis of Obama's budget, which shows a level of federal borrowing that will cause the national debt to double over the next decade.

Associated report: Heritage Foundation; associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Washington Times; Wall Street Journal 1; Bloomberg

Your Stimulus Money At Work

Associated articles: ABC News; Washington Examiner; Mercatus Center (chart)

T-Shirt Vendor Alerts Authorities to Smoldering Generational Debt Bomb

Associated article: Washington Post

Plume of Burning Money Over U.S. Treasury Halts Commerce Nationwide As Businesses Wait for Smoke to Clear

Related article: Sky News

White House Announces Massive Government Spending Bill "Created or Saved" Millions of Well-Educated Middle Class Protesters

Washington, D.C.--The Obama Administration announced today that its massive government spending bill "created or saved" millions of well-educated middle class protesters.

"Our wasteful spending and the bogus accounting gimmicks we've used to fake the success of this massive taxpayer boondoggle has spurred the largest expansion of the middle class protest sector America has ever seen," said Obama. "But I'm still not satisfied. My economic advisers and I are pushing forward with even more government controls that weaken personal responsibility and put the squeeze on the private sector, which we fully expect will create millions more people who are really upset we're squandering their hard-earned savings."

Associated video: Tea Party Profile

White House to Increase Use of Money Hoses to Pacify Democratic Constituencies

Washington, D.C.--As the Obama Administration pursues increasingly radical policies that are alienating independent and Republican voters, it has turned to granting special favors to its base constituencies, including unions, to boost support for its legislative agenda.

But as controversy surrounding that agenda grows even more intense, so does the administration's need to shore up its base, and fast. As a result, the White House has begun using money hoses at more and more rallies to pacify potentially disgruntled Democratic constituencies.

"We needed to get the cash out the door quicker," said one administration official. "So we've begun shooting billions of dollars at supporters with money hoses mounted on trucks."

One defender of President Obama said he liked the new delivery system, but that "they could reduce the velocity just a tad. I've already gotten a few paper cuts from the dousings."

Associated article: Big Government

FBI Storms Capitol Building, Reveals 2008 Election Was Giant Sting Operation

Washington, D.C.--FBI agents swarmed through the halls of Congress yesterday, rounding up most House and Senate Members in handcuffs as it was revealed the 2008 federal elections were one massive sting operation.

"We'd like to thank the many, many voters who cooperated with us to help make this happen," said an FBI spokesman following the raid. "Thanks to their efforts, we were able to lure hundreds of people who were stealing from future generations to one spot where we could catch them all at once."

Several Members escaped through a secret tunnel connecting the Capitol to the Bureau of Printing and Engraving, but law enforcement officials said that facility was in lockdown. Congressmen inside threatened to set billions of taxpayer dollars on fire, but FBI officials said they would round up the remaining Members despite that risk because "those billions of dollars would have been destroyed by the next federal stimulus bill anyway."