TV Guide

Associated article: ABC News

Pelosi Twilight Zone (Bipartisanship Episode)

ObamaCare's Bending of Cost Curve Upward Attributed to "A Great Disturbance in the Force"

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Most Accurate Chart of ObamaCare Law is a Self-Replicating Virus

Washington, D.C.--The most accurate chart showing how the ObamaCare law will operate, once it goes into full effect, is making the rounds on the Internet, but users are warned that it contains several self-replicating viruses by design.

According to the Congressional Research Service, the ObamaCare law is worded so vaguely that the number of agencies, boards, and commissions it creates is "impossible" to estimate, a true count is "unknowable," and in some cases the law's provisions may spawn an "indeterminate number of new organizations."

Consequently, the most accurate depiction of how the ObamaCare law will operate contains not only a dizzying and chaotic array of bureaucratic organizational connections, but also several self-replicating viruses that will continue to grow uncontrollably until the system crashes.

Associated article: Politico

Obama's Pick to Head Medicare and Medicaid Updates Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations

Associated articles: Daily Caller; Wall Street Journal; New York Times

Medical Marijuana Seen as Key to Success of ObamaCare

Washington, D.C.--With health care costs expected to rise under President Obama's and Congressional Democrats' government-run health care law, the Administration is hoping state-level "medical marijuana" initiatives will make the deeply unpopular program more tolerable."

When people are stoned out of their minds, the national debt will seem less scary, and more like a giant glowing purple caterpillar, covered in silver hairs, with an infinite number of legs that curl end over end, infinitely," said Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius.

"Americans need to act boldly in confronting what would otherwise be the terrifying health care costs imposed by my health care plan," said Obama. "That's why I want not only a chicken in every pot, but also pot in every chicken."

Associated article: Washington Times

Obama Gives Commencement Address to 27 Year-Olds at Local Happy Hour

Teaneck, New Jersey--After signing into law a requirement that young adults be allowed to stay on their parents' health insurance until they turn 27 years old, President Obama showed up at Chatterjee's Bar and Grill to give a commencement address to the happy hour crowd.

"Congratulations to all of you for joining with me and your current Congress in kicking the can of individual initiative even further down the road," said Obama. "But there are many more cans yet for us to kick."

The address was well-received by the throng of middling twenty-somethings.

"It was awesome," said one 24 year-old slacker. "Now that I don't have to get a job to pay for health insurance, I can enjoy Jaeger bombs in my leisure time for another couple years. Obama even had some freaky dude named Geithner pick up the bar tab for everyone!"

Obama "Shocked, Shocked" That Medicare Actuary Concludes ObamaCare Will Increase Health Care Costs and Put 15% of Hospitals in Red

Associated article: USA Today; associated video: Fox News

U.S. to Join European Union

Washington, D.C.--Now that President Obama has signed into law a new $2 trillion middle-class entitlement that will vastly increase the national debt at a time the U.S. cannot afford to maintain its existing entitlement programs, the administration is expected to support a European-style "value-added tax," which adds a tax to every improvement made to a product during the course of its production and distribution process.

However, the administration sources say the president is expected to support an exemption from the tax for purchases of berets and cravats, and to request that baguettes become part of unemployment benefits.

Associated articles: Charles Krauthammer; Reuters; George Will; Politico; Der Spiegel

Smithsonian Museum to Devote Entire Wing to Special Deals Going Into Democrat Health Care Legislation

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal 2; Associated Press; CATO Institute; Chronicle of Higher Education; Associated Press 2

Democrat Henry Waxman Holds Hearings on Infiltration of Generally Accepted Accounting Principles into U.S.

Washington, D.C.--Just days after enactment of a massive government-run health care system, financial regulations required companies including AT&T, Deere, Caterpillar, AK Steel, and 3M to announce publicly how the new health care scheme would negatively affect their balance sheets by imposing new, significant liabilities. Henry Waxman, the Democratic chairman of the House Energy & Commerce Committee, immediately responded by announcing the heads of those companies would be hailed before his panel and forced to disclose whether they are now, or have ever been, subject to Generally Accepted Accounting Principles.

"That some companies would continue to profess a duty to serve their shareholders' interests, even after passage of ObamaCare, is cause for grave concern," said Waxman. "And we're going to do everything we can to root out the last vestiges of allegiance to the nefarious forces of sound accounting."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Washington Examiner; New York Times

Flag Design: Don't Tread on My Health Care

Associated report: CATO Institute

Castro Praises ObamaCare

Havana, Cuba--Cuban socialist leader Fidel Castro praised the passage of government-run health care in the U.S. saying "234 years after the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. will finally join Cuba in granting citizens health care comparable to what was available in 1776."

Associated article: Associated Press

Democrats Claim Congress Has Authority to Make Everyone Buy Snuggies and Jupiter Jacks

Washington, D.C.--After Congress, for the first time in U.S. history, passed a law that requires everyone to purchase a particular product -- in this case health insurance -- over a dozen states have filed lawsuits arguing the legislation violates the Commerce Clause of the Constitution which grants Congress only the limited power to regulate activities that effect interstate transactions.

"If a decision not to buy a product, and to refrain from trade, production, or commerce, can be considered an economic activity Congress can regulate," said one state attorney general, "then Congress will be able to regulate absolutely everything, and the enumerated powers in Article I limiting federal authority and creating a system of federalism will have been read out of the Constitution."

In response, Democrats threatened to pass a law requiring everyone to buy Snuggies and Jupiter Jacks.

"I suggest that the American people, and the courts, respect our authority to make people buy things simply because people exist," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. "If they don't, we can always begin considering federal legislation that furthers a national policy of hands-free driving and energy conservation through the mandatory use of static-ridden wireless speaker systems and cumbersome wearable blankets."

Related articles: Reason; Washington Times; Wall Street Journal; New York Times; American Spectator; Wall Street Journal 1; New York Times 1; Wall Street Journal 2

ObamaCare Health Insurance Won't Cover Removal of Government Bureaucrats

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

House Democratic Whip Joins Confuse a Cat

Analysts Predict Steep Rise in Zombie Menace Under Democratic Policies

Washington, D.C.--Analysts studying the government-run health care bill and other legislation signed into law by President Obama are predicting steep increases in the "zombie menace."

The forecasters said that while isolated zombie breakouts are usually caused by viruses or hazardous materials that emit radiation, a more widespread zombie contagion will likely be created by a series of "moral hazards," which economists define as occurring when peolpe are insulated from risks, and exercise less personal responsibility as a result.

"The ObamaCare legislation prohibits individuals from being able to pay for insurance that reflects their own lifestyle. It also requires people to pay for the risks others choose to impose on themselves," said one analyst. "And ObamaCare requires employers to let slacker children stay on their parents' health care plans until they're 26 years old."

The result will be dramatically increasing numbers of people who act irresponsibly knowing the government, using other people's money, will bail them out.

Possible antidotes to the zombie menace include several Republican-supported provisions that empower individuals -- such as tax credits and the power to buy insurance across state lines -- but those alternatives were rejected by Democrats as contrary to their agenda of spreading dependency on government.

"If policies that empower individuals are off the table," said one forecaster, "a good Plan B is to defend yourself against the approaching zombie hordes with blunt instruments, such as baseball bats and common garden tools."

Associated articles: George Will; Investor's Business Daily; New York Post; Mercatus Center

ObamaCare Administrators Display The Technology They'll Use to Sort Through Millions of Future Health Care Requests

Associated article: Joint Economic Committee

What Do YOU Think?

Passage of Unpopular Government-Run Health Care Bill Traced Back to Really Bad Social Studies Teacher

Gladstone, Michigan--The House passed an unpopular bill to create a government-run health care system thanks to the deciding votes cast by a handful of Democrats led by Bart Stupak of Michigan, who had opposed a provision of the law that allowed federal taxpayer money to be used to fund abortions. Rep. Stupak ultimately agreed to support the legislation, giving it a bare majority, after President Obama agreed to sign an executive order he said would trump the text of the statute passed by the House and Senate.

But of course, an order signed by the president cannot override the text of a statute, as most high school students should know.

Subsequent investigations traced the passage of the Democrat's government-run health care program to Henry Stanton, a "really, really bad" social studies teacher at Gladstone High School, Stupak's alma mater.

"Okay, I would sometimes make stuff up," said Mr. Stanton when reached for comment. "Look, my dream was to make balloon animals for a living. My heart wasn't really in the American government thing."

"I can see where Bart got the whole executive order idea," said one former classmate. "Mr. Stanton would often write students notes letting them attend pot parties in violation of school rules."

Associated article: Daily Caller