CBS Previews First Episode of “Survivor: Palau;” Show Features Team of Former Detainees Released from Guantanamo Bay

Los Angeles, California.—CBS previewed the latest season of its popular “Survivor” television series to an audience of Los Angeles media critics yesterday.

The network announced that as a result of the Obama administration’s negotiations with the island of Palau – and $200 million in advertising paid for by the federal government -- contestants on “Survivor: Palau” include several former detainees released from Guantanamo Bay. The detainees are members of a Uighur ethnic group affiliated with a designated terrorist organization that seeks to establish a radical Islamic theocracy throughout South and Central Asia.

While some critics complained the contest was shaping up to be “a bit of a mismatch” -- pitting a college cheerleader and a travel agent against religious extremists who received military instruction at an al Qaeda-affiliated terrorist training camp – others praised the series as a “microcosmic experiment in facilitating global harmony.”

In the episode previewed, the former Guantanamo Bay detainees lose a coconut chopping contest, putting them at risk of elimination. “They kept sawing back and forth with the blade,” said one critic. “That seemed to really slow them down.”

The ex-detainees go on to win the next challenge, but are disqualified after hurling at their opponents the same noxious cocktail of feces and bodily fluids they threw at guards during a March, 2003, prison riot.

One critic, excitedly describing the show’s last segment, revealed that the ex-detainees announce their intention to protest the Tribal Council’s democratic procedures by detonating a plastic bottle filled with their own methane gas. Then, in yet another dramatic turn of events, the ex-detainees win immunity after the show’s producers interrogate them in an overly aggressive manner in an attempt to discover the bomb’s location.

“The thing is, though,” said the critic, “they don’t discover the bomb.”

CBS officials had no comment on the content of future episodes.

Associated articles: http://www.charlotteobserver.com/194/story/771303.html; http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/10/world/10palau.html?_r=1&ref=todayspaper; http://www.longwarjournal.org/archives/2009/04/the_uighurs_in_their-print.php; http://articles.latimes.com/2009/apr/24/nation/na-gitmo-release24; http://www.treas.gov/press/releases/tg92.htm; http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Information_paper:_Uighur_Detainee_Population_at_JTF-GTMO; http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5h0PvMT3xGXLwI-2KwkOThMJToprwD99A604O0; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/10/31/AR2009103102140.html

Obama Responds to Demands for Specific Plans to Close the GITMO Detention Facility by Unveiling Detailed Diagrams of His Complex Sentence Structures

Washington, D.C.--President Obama has released or cleared for release several known terrorists and al-Qaeda associates, yet he hasn't publicly clarified his rationales for those decisions.

As a result, Members of Congress have demanded that President Obama present concrete plans for dealing with the over 200 dangerous detainees currently held at the Guantanamo Bay detention facilities before Congress funds its dismantling.

Obama responded to those demands yesterday with an extended speech in which he described in fine detail the complex structure of the sentences he will use, and the deep thought process he will employ, when dealing with Guantanamo and other national security issues.

Obama pointed to a sentence diagram to show how, in dealing with the Guantanamo detainees, he would delicately imbed the expression of unpleasant notions between carefully constructed parallel predicate nouns to create the illusion of resolution while avoiding directly addressing the central problem at hand. And he said he would do so while avoiding copulative predicates.

The President also said he would employ the word “but” as often as necessary to make his sentences turn on multiple fulcrums that cancel each other out, resulting in no tipping point whatsoever and keeping his grammar free of any decisiveness, one way or the other.

Only once during the hour-long speech did the President appear to stumble into a decision. He quickly recovered following a few carefully spaced “uhs” and “ers”.

Following Obama’s presentation, Senators said they had complete faith in the President’s ability to obfuscate any discernable strategy for dealing with the detainees while appearing to make weighty and carefully deliberative decisions that considered all angles.

After the speech, one Senator was asked whether Obama had presented a plan detailed enough to justify the necessary appropriations. The Senator borrowed a line from the President’s speech and confidently predicted that “Although there are no easy answers in these extraordinary times, there is much work to be done, and let me say as plainly as I can that I will take the steps necessary to fulfill both my obligation to adhere to our most fundamental values and my responsibility to maintain our tradition of safety for the American people in a way that fits no ideological predisposition.”

Associated articles: http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gj2oO72tz7sEIr76Tr_UrJNTtGSgD98AA39O0; http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=aDfJCdTKYpyE&refer=home; http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/18/what-sentence-diagrams-re_n_167988.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/21/AR2009052103680.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/09/24/AR2009092404893.html?hpid=topnews

Attorney General Assures Congress Only Less Competent Terrorists Will Be Released

Washington, D.C.--In January, President Obama signed an executive order to close the Guantanamo Bay detention facility within a year, leaving open the possibility that terrorist detainees would be released into the United States or other countries.

At a Congressional hearing last week, Attorney General Eric Holder was asked whether he believed he had the authority to release someone with terrorist training into the U.S. Holder didn’t directly answer the question, but said the Obama Administration doesn’t have any plans to release “terrorists.” This week, at another hearing, Holder was pressed further on what sorts of people he considers “terrorists.”

When asked whether he would consider someone a terrorist if they were a member of a terrorist group and received terrorist training at a camp run by terrorists, Holder replied, “I think you need to make individual determinations regarding what type of training that person received.”

Using one of several jihadist report cards captured in anti-terror raids, Holder showed how Binyam Batarfi -- a detainee likely to be released -- had done poorly in his beheading course. The report card included the notes of Batarfi’s instructor, who remarked of his student, “Not so good with knife; perhaps Binyam could instead cut heads of lettuce at a terrorist safe house.”

Other instructor notes indicated that while Batarfi was “eager to kill innocents, his shy nature inhibited his integration into civilian populations.” And his biological weapons teacher added that Batarfi “has trouble distinguishing smallpox from chicken pox.”

Holder also pointed to the example of Binyam Mohammed, who was released by the Obama Administration to England earlier this year. Mohammed was a member of al-Qaeda, met personally with Osama bin Laden, received extensive terrorist training and was an intended accomplice of would-be “dirty bomber” -- and now convicted terrorist -- Jose Padilla. Mohammed planned to carry out mass-murder attacks in American cities that included a range of possible targets and modes of attack, from striking U.S. subways to setting apartment buildings on fire using ordinary gas lines.

Justifying the Administration’s decision to release Mohammed, Holder said “How good a terrorist could he be? He was caught.”

Holder questioned the threat posed by terrorist trainees who lost fingers in bomb-making classes, or whose poorly designed weapons are likely to miss their intended targets.

He also downplayed the notion that past membership in a terrorist organization alone should be a cause for concern, noting “Heck, I’m a member of a book club that reads crime novels. I wouldn’t want that held against me.”

Associated video:


Associated articles: http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D981ILK81&show_article=1; http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/05/07/holder-says-terrorists-wont-set-free/; http://www.longwarjournal.org/archives/2009/04/the_uighurs_in_their-print.php; http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=ZTMyNTY5YTk1ZDJhOGY2MWI0NGE1ZmU3ZTgwYWZkODE=; http://www.longwarjournal.org/archives/2009/02/binyam_mohamed_the_f.php; http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-gitmo-release24-2009apr24,0,7979465.story; additional video: Homeland Security Fail

Guantanamo Bay Closing Speech

Associated video: http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/story?id=6719704&page=1