Obama Tells Bob Woodward the U.S. "Can Absorb a Terrorist Attack"

Associated article: Washington Post

Social Worker: "Beheading Can Make It Difficult to Connect with Terrorist Clients"

by Stan Tebbits, social worker

As one of the many social workers deployed to engage the extremists that deputy national security adviser for counterterrorism and homeland security John Brennan said are victims of "social forces," I know how difficult it is to convince bloodthirsty religiously-motivated mass murders determined to impose a worldwide theocracy that they are the victims of low self-esteem. But such is Mr. Brennan's noble charge to us.

I strive daily to help such clients overcome the addictions poverty brings. I've had clients even bring their improvised explosive devices to counseling sessions. But sometimes all they need is someone who will stay silent and listen, a breakthrough often achieved once their knives have cut past your trachea. Such meetings can often be emotional, so keep a box of Kleenex handy next to the tourniquet.

As John Brennan reminds us, the United States is not at war with terrorism because terrorism is only a "tactic," not an enemy. Similarly, beheadings can often be an elaborate "head fake" used by insecure clients to distract you from their true needs. Try to see through that, as spasmodic eye movements can occur for a short time following decapitation.

Finally, let your clients know they are not alone, and that there are hundreds of thousands others like them who are willing to assist them.

Associated articles: Krauthammer; Washington Times

Attorney General Says Recent Terrorist Attacks Motivated By "Really, Really, Really Radical Christianity"

Associated video: Keep America Safe

President Obama Declares Victory in "War on Error"

Washington, D.C.--After a second attempted terrorist attack on the American homeland in five months failed solely due to terrorist incompetence, the Obama Administration celebrated victory in the "war on error."

"Our multi-billion dollar national security system completely failed to prevent two terrorists with ties to high-level Islamic radicals overseas from sneaking bombs onto a flight bound for Detroit and a car parked in Times Square," said President Obama. "But thanks to dumb luck, the bombs failed to detonate."

After noting that the U.S. would continue to treat terrorists sworn to kill as many innocent Americans as possible like ordinary criminals subject to prosecution after the fact -- rather than as wartime enemies who should be stopped before they attempt mass murder -- Obama closed his remarks by assuring the American people that "We will try our luck in the war on error until every last person who would do us harm fails of their own stupidity."

Associated article: Washington Times

Attorney General Holder Defends Mirandizing Gulf Oil Spill

Venice, Louisiana--The Justice Department is fending off allegations that Attorney General Eric Holder will Mirandize "anything that moves" after he granted the Gulf oil spill protections against self-incrimination in court.

Holder administered the Miranda warnings to swaths of oil creeping onshore before cleanup crews mopped up too much of the alleged environmental offender.

A Justice Department spokesperson defended Holder's actions, saying "Now that the Obama Administration has taken an almost exclusively criminal law approach to what it now calls man-caused disasters, reading a giant oil slick its right to remain silent makes a lot of sense."

Associated article: Charles Krauthammer

Upon Closer Inspection, Clues Found in the Times Square Bomber's Naturalization Form (click image to enlarge)

Justice Department, NASA, Reveal April Fools' Jokes

Washington, D.C.--Attorney General Eric Holder and a top NASA official announced on April Fool's Day that they had each "pulled one over on the American people" by greatly exaggerating the number of terrorists who have been prosecuted in civilian courts rather than military commissions, and by compiling unreliable temperature data sets used by advocates of the theory that humans cause global warming.

"Okay, okay," Attorney General Holder said to reporters between laughs, "I told you hundreds of convicted terrorists had been prosecuted through the civil courts to justify my decision to try hard-core 9/11 terrorist Khalid Shaikh Mohammed the same way. But it turns out the vast majority of those I claimed were prosecuted terrorists were actually not members of foreign terrorist organizations engaged in plotting attacks, but rather other people who gave false statements to investigators, and even one animal rights activist who released minks from a Wisconsin farm!"

Holder was followed by a NASA official who announced between giggles that NASA had admitted in internal emails from 2007 that its temperature data sets were even less accurate than the now-discredited data sets from the Climatic Research Unit at the University of East Anglia that were exposed as having been manipulated to fit a preconceived theory. He concluded the press conference, saying "April Fools, everyone!"

Associated articles: Washington Times; Fox News

General McChrystal Demotes Attorney General to Private

Associated articles: Washington Post; Washington Examiner

What Do YOU Think?

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Save Our Navy Seals

Associated articles: Fox News; Investor's Business Daily; Washington Times; New York Times

Democrats Overwhelmingly Renew PATRIOT Act with No Changes So They Can Complain About It Another Year

Associated article: Washington Post

Al-Qaeda Says Five-Year Torture of Innocent Bush Administration Lawyers "Proves America is the Great Satan"

In a newly-released video, members of al-Qaeda say the five-year torture of innocent Bush Administration lawyers "proves America is the Great Satan."

The al-Qaeda members refer to a final report by a Justice Department career official who reviewed the Bush Administration lawyers' memoranda concluding that enhanced interrogation techniques used against al-Qaeda members were legal. Following a five-year investigation, the career official concluded the Bush lawyers did not violate any standards of professional conduct, contradicting the conclusions of an earlier Justice Department report the official criticized as shifting its rationales in results-oriented ways, ignoring proper procedure, and twisting legal standards.

Osama bin Laden appears in the video, saying "First the accusers said the Bush lawyers violated the federal anti-torture statute. Then they said the lawyers should be disciplined by their state bar associations. Now it turns out the lawyers didn't commit any professional misconduct or violate any Justice Department policies. The drip, drip, drip of the threats these investigations posed to innocent lawyers over five years were spearheaded by proteges of Attorney General Eric Holder and leaked to the press in vile attempts to smear the lawyers' reputations. Those grave injustices represent the evil that is the American system of politicized prosecution."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

John Brennan Dramatic Look

Associated article: Investor's Business Daily

Al-Qaeda Leaders Charge Obama Critics with "Serving the Goals of Infidel Beasts by Distracting Them from Their March to Slaughter"

On Sunday, White House counter-terrorism chief John Brennan charged that critics who question the Obama administration's decision to grant Miranda rights to terrorists are "serving the goals of al-Qaeda."

Shortly thereafter, al-Qaeda leaders piled on, charging that critics of the Obama administration's weak national security policies are "serving the goals of infidel beasts by distracting them from their march to slaughter."

Associated article: Washington Examiner

Terrorist Interrogations Handed Over to Oprah Winfrey

Chicago, Illinois--Since officials at the Justice Department decided to interrogate a captured terrorist for less than an hour before giving him the right to remain silent following his attempt to blow up an airliner on Christmas Day, the Obama Administration has decided to turn over terrorist interrogations to Oprah Winfrey.

"Oprah's just-less-than-an-hour interview format is the right fit going forward," said one Administration official. "Plus, Oprah has just about as much expertise on al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula as the FBI officials who questioned the Christmas bomber."

Associated articles: Washington Post; National Journal; Wall Street Journal

Simulation of Christmas Bomber’s Record-Breaking Interrogation

Washington, D.C.--It's been reported that FBI agents questioned the Christmas bomber Abdulmutallab for less than an hour before he was granted his right to remain silent and provided with a lawyer, after which Abdulmutallab stopped talking and provided no more intelligence information that could be used to thwart future terrorist attacks. The White House hasn't disputed those reports, but it also hasn't been forthcoming with additional information regarding the context of Abdulmutallab's super-short questioning, which would make it the fastest ever recorded. Consequently, the Op-Toons Review is providing this simulation of the Obama Justice Department's record-breaking terrorist interrogation:

Associated articles: Krauthammer; Wall Street Journal

America -- Duh Yeah!

Associated articles: USA Today; Washington Times; Washington Examiner; Wall Street Journal; Washington Post editorial

Obama Administration Officials Prepare to Question Airline Bombers After Landing

U.S. security officials knew that a person with terrorist links was aboard a plane traveling to Detroit on Christmas while it was airborne, but they failed to alert pilots and passengers on the plane, deciding instead to question the terrorist after the plane landed. As it turned out, the terrorist had explosives in his underwear, and the passengers survived his attack solely due to their own bravery and a malfunction in the bomb's detonation mechanism.

Nevertheless, following the attack, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced "the system worked."

Administration officials said they planned on questioning other suspected terrorists "when the plane they're on reaches the ground."

Associated articles: Los Angeles Times; ABC News

Obama Administration to Use National Security Agencies to Search Elderly Blue-Haired Women at Airports, Polar Bears in Arctic

Washington, D.C.--Obama national security officials defended their decision to devote more intelligence resources to monitoring the purported effects of "global warming" instead of tracking terrorists, arguing that "We search blue-haired old ladies at airports, why not polar bears in the Arctic?"

Pointing to the need to avoid any appearance of "profiling" those who might be most likely to commit terrorist acts, Obama administration officials said "In our efforts to find terrorists, we're committed to applying a strict, equal treatment standard, and that includes polar bears, penguins, and seals of all colors."

Associated articles: Washington Times 1; Washington Times 2

Following Calm, Reasoned, Non-Hostile Takeover, John Yoo Owns Daily Show with John Stewart

Associated video: Daily Show 1; Daily Show 2; Daily Show 3