Showing posts with label Speaker Pelosi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Speaker Pelosi. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Congress Called Into Rare Summer-time Emergency Session to Protect Representatives from Their Constituents

Washington, D.C.--Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has called the House of Representatives into a rare "emergency session" to protect Democratic Representatives from their angry constituents amidst steep increases in both public debt and private employment.

Hunkered deep within the well of the Chamber, Democratic Members received hard hats and emergency preparedness training that included instructions to refrain from touting their legislative accomplishments, which now include yet another bailout bill aimed at protecting the jobs of public sector employees.

Associated articles: Los Angeles Times; Washington Examiner; Washington Post

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Democrats to Run Against William Howard Taft in 2010

Washington, D.C.--Congressional Democrats, whose policies have proven unpopular and deeply divisive, have decided they will campaign in 2010 against William Howard Taft, who left office in 1913.

"We're still living with the devastating legacy of our twenty-seventh president," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "and we Democrats stand for change."

"Look, America was saddled with the Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act of 1909 for many years before we Democrats took over," said Chris Van Hollen, chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. "And it's going to take a lot more time for us to overcome the lingering effects of former Attorney General George W. Wickersham's tenure."

Associated article: CQ Politics

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Now That They're Only Representing Themselves, House Democrats Plan to Consolidate All Congressional Districts into U.S. Capitol Following 2010 Census

Washington, D.C.--Now that the U.S. House of Representatives has come to represent only the Members of Congress themselves, and not the views of citizens nationwide, House Democrats plan to have all House districts consolidated inside the four corners of the U.S. Capitol following the 2010 census.

"Democrats have a large majority in the House right now, holding 254 of 435 seats," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, "but since we're ramming through widely unpopular legislation like health care, the cap and tax energy bill, and immigration amnesty, we'll need to have district lines redrawn to more accurately reflect the people we're representing, namely ourselves."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Speaker Pelosi Announces Meaning of Health Care Bill Can Only Be Discerned After She Inhales Prophetic Vapors at Bill Passage Ceremony

Oracle at D.C.--In a prepared speech to the National Association of Counties, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said "we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what is in it."

Pelosi elaborated on her comments later that afternoon, saying "The fact is no one can really know what's in the legislation until I utter the inspired wisdom of the gods. And that occurs when I inhale the mystic vapors that emanate from the well of the House upon the bill's enactment."

Associated speech: Nancy Pelosi

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Speaker Pelosi Vows to Stop Spread of "Nazi Zombie Menace" Before It Infects More Town Hall Meetings

Washington, D.C.--When asked by a reporter whether protests at various town hall meetings represented legitimate grassroots opposition or were manufactured “AstroTurf” events, she replied, “I think they’re AstroTurf ... They’re carrying swastikas and symbols like that to a town meeting on health care.” She made those comments even though those symbols were used only a handful of times nationwide, and they were used to express disgust for, not support of, what were perceived to be fascist policies.

Today, Speaker Pelosi called on the President to declare a national emergency and focus federal resources toward stopping what she called "the Nazi zombie menace" before it "infects more town hall meetings."

"Look," said Pelosi, "whether these people are sincere in their undead brain-eating Hitler-following habits or not, they have to be neutralized."

Pelosi told reporters the zombies could only be stopped by destroying their brains. "That's the source of all the thinking stuff," she said. "If the thinking's not stopped, it could infect other people around them."

Pelosi's call for a state of emergency follows reports that the White House may have run afoul of federal privacy and records laws by compiling information on people whose exercise of their First Amendment rights indicate resistance to Democratic health care proposals.

Pelosi called for amending such statutes to provide for a "Nazi zombie" exception, which she said would only apply to "something over half the population."

Associated articles: http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=YjBmMGVlMWVkOTU1YzIyMzQ0OWNiNjBhMjU1NzMwYjA=; http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/Mr_-President_-Americans-are-not-an-_angry-mob_-8076144-52674832.html; http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/08/07/white-house-collect-fishy-info-health-reform-illegal-critics-say/; http://newsbusters.org/blogs/seton-motley/2009/08/12/nbc-cnn-msnbc-all-assign-communist-larouches-obama-hitler-poster-conse; http://briefingroom.thehill.com/2009/08/13/reid-protesters-are-evil-mongers/; http://www.redstate.com/moe_lane/2009/09/03/moveonorg-zombie-bites-off-health-care-protesters-finger-wait-what/

Monday, May 18, 2009

CIA Says It Briefed Pelosi in Form of Loud Heavy Metal Music “To Make Sure She Got the Message;” Pelosi Now Claims Briefing Was Accurate, But Torture

Washington, D.C.--After being accused by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi that it withheld information about the enhanced interrogation techniques used on known terrorists in 2002, the CIA revealed for the first time that not only was Pelosi fully briefed on the subject, but she was briefed in the form of a thunderous heavy metal song to "hammer home" the point.

The song, called "Waterboarding," was performed by the band Judas Priest and included the refrain: “What the terrorists knew they wouldn't say, so we had to find another way! Some may think it's uncouth, but it's time to flush out ... the ... truth! Wa-ter-board-ing! Wa-ter-board-ing!”

After the CIA released the video of the high octane performance, Pelosi contended the briefing itself constituted torture. “Sure, I was fully briefed,” she told reporters, “but they strapped me to an inverted sound board and drilled the information into my head with relentless ear-splitting vocals.”

Associated articles and video: http://hotair.com/archives/2009/05/14/video-pelosi-goes-nuclear-on-the-cia-over-torture-as-cheneys-memo-request-is-denied/; http://thehill.com/leading-the-news/cia-director-fires-back-at-pelosi-2009-05-15.html

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Speaker Pelosi Touts Her Book Sequel, “Know Your Cower: A Message to America’s Daughters (about Enhanced Interrogation Techniques)”

San Francisco, CA.--Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi began a book tour last week touting the sequel to her previous book entitled “Know Your Power: A Message to America’s Daughters,” in which Pelosi drew from her political experiences to encourage young women to step up to challenges and opportunities.

Her new book, entitled “Know Your Cower,” is based on more recent political experiences in which Pelosi was fully briefed on the CIA’s use of enhanced interrogation techniques, such as waterboarding, in 2002. She acquiesced in those techniques without offering any objections. But now, says Pelosi, she’s had to deny her approval in the face of outrage from her leftist base, which calls those techniques “torture.”

Says Pelosi, “My first book talked about how with power comes responsibility. My new book builds on that message, and adds that with power comes deniability as well.”

Pelosi originally claimed the CIA briefing she attended did not include a discussion of “any” enhanced interrogation techniques, but the Office of the Director of National Intelligence subsequently released a document that made clear Pelosi was not only briefed on such techniques, but she was also briefed on their “use.”

Pelosi read portions of her book yesterday to a gathering of young girls who sat around her on the floor at a San Francisco bookstore. “Life will present you with many opportunities to take responsibility for your decisions,” she told them. “And when that happens,” she said, leaning toward the kids with her hands curled like a clawing tiger, “you need to run, children -- run as fast as you can!”

One girl who attended, named Sandy, said she asked Pelosi how she squared her previous statement with the more recent report that contradicted her. “She just looked at me with eyes as big as saucers, covered her ears, and started humming,” said Sandy. “I’m going to remember that technique the next time I’m interrogated about decisions I’ve made in the past!”

Another girl was less impressed with Pelosi’s humming. “I get the deniability part,” she said afterward. “But the deniability has to be, you know, plausible and stuff.”

Associated articles: Fox News; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/08/AR2007120801664_pf.html; http://blogs.abcnews.com/thenote/2009/05/intelligence-re.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/24/AR2009042403339.html?nav=rss_opinion/columns; http://www.politico.com/blogs/glennthrush/0409/Pelosi_Officials_said_they_wouldnt_use_waterboarding.html; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124182533815302417.html; http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=NjU1ZGI3ZGM0Zjc1ZDg1MzQyMmQ3NDQyMGIzNWM3ODA=; http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0509/22448.html; http://thehill.com/leading-the-news/cia-director-fires-back-at-pelosi-2009-05-15.html; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124701436661709153.html#mod=todays_us_opinion