Results of White House Dog Sanctions Policy Similar to Iran Sanctions Policy

Washington, D.C.--The Obama Administration acknowledged today that its sanctions policy regarding the White House dog Bo was yielding results similar to its sanctions policy regarding Iran. But administration officials said they remain determined to "send an unmistakable message" to the unruly dog after he left another unfortunate gift on the Yellow Room dining table.

"This misplaced duty on the part of one rogue hound," said Obama, "will be met with the resolute fulfillment of my responsibility to use every diplomatic resource I have to help ensure we achieve meaningful domestic relations. I can assure everyone that these discussions will continue until a lasting agreement is achieved that is accommodating to all concerned."

Bo reacted to the President's remarks by chewing on the drapes, then urinating on an antique sofa leg.

Associated articles: Krauthammer; Foreign Policy

Obama Briefed on Plan to Prevent Iran from Obtaining Nuclear Weapons

Washington, D.C.--It took several large screens in President Obama's Situation Room to project the administration's plan to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear capability should diplomatic efforts fail.

"The plan presented a staggering array of options," said one of several administration officials who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "The options ranged from giant hearts to a bunch of connected triangles with some of them filled in."

According to another official, the plan seemed to be the product of "dozens of hours of less than productive meetings," but the official emphasized key points of the plan were clearly marked by "giant puffy letters and squiggly underlining."

Associated article: Washington Post

Lack of Translator that Speaks "Crazy Talk" Hampers U.S. Discussions with Iran

Recent discussions between the United States and Iran have become complicated by the lack of a translator who speaks the particular "crazy talk" dialect used by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

The talks come as Ahmadinejad, who denies the Holocaust occurred and says the destiny of Israel and her allies is to be destroyed, has obtained a threatening nuclear capability.

The shortage of crazy talk translators began when the translator assigned to Muammar Gaddafi, the leader of Libya, collapsed 75 minutes into Gaddafi's recent hour-and-a-half rant at the United Nations. The beleaguered translator's last words were "I just can't take it any more."

State Department officials said the remaining translators "know crazy talk, but not the nuances of President Ahmadinejad's unique variety of crazy."

Associated articles: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704471504574442901560824682.html; http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/30/opinion/30milhollin.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=%20Gary%20Milhollin&st=cse; http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1216068/Gaddafis-translator-collapsed-exhaustion-UN-rant.html

Obama May Supplement Wind and Solar Power with Nuclear Energy From Iran and North Korea

Washington, D.C.--With environmental groups opposing the expansion of cheap and efficient nuclear power plants, President Obama may include nuclear energy from Iran and North Korea in his U.S. energy program.

Because it is increasingly likely Iran will achieve a nuclear capability, and North Korea will develop missile technology capable of delivering nuclear material long-range, Administration sources said “we could see the results of that technology right here at home.”

Such nuclear technology would supplement current efforts to provide more wind and solar power, perhaps in heavily populated urban centers.

“By letting Iran’s and North Korea’s aggression go largely unchecked,” said one Administration official, “those countries may be more likely to share some of their nuclear energy with us.”

Associated articles: Charles Krauthammer; http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSTRE56E2F420090715?feedType=RSS&feedName=topNews; http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D9AP714G0&show_article=1; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204518504574419173653298610.html

Obama Sends Sterner Message to Iran from His Personal Blackberry, But Experts Say His Use of Emoticons “May Cloud Message”

As millions of Iranians took to the streets to oppose a theocratic dictatorship, President Obama remained silent for several days, then spoke only tepidly in opposition to the brutal government crackdown on protesters demanding a more democratic Iran.

In an initial statement, Obama said he supported the continued “dialogue” in Iran but wished to avoid “meddling” in its affairs. Roundly criticized by all sides of the political spectrum for such timid remarks in support of liberty and democratic principles, Obama said yesterday that he sent a “sterner” message to the Iranian regime from his personal Blackberry.

But foreign policy analysts immediately expressed concern with the message’s “heavy use of emoticons” that may “muddy the import of its meaning.”

The message, reproduced in the accompanying picture, states “Dear Supreme Leader (and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad)” and begins with “Let me take this opportunity to clarify my earlier remarks.”

“A promising beginning,” remarked one foreign policy expert, “but then you see the emoticon,” referring to the characters :-} indicating “embarrassed smile.”

The next sentence of the message, “I want you to know that I support the protesters,” is followed by the emoticon *<:-) which analysts say indicates “Who do they think I am, Santa Clause?” The message continues “But I also respect your authority to maintain order,” followed by the ;-) “mischievous wink” emoticon. The penultimate sentence reads “I know that democracy can only be maintained if a country follows the rule of law,” which ends with the characters =[:-= , which one expert said “either refers to Abe Lincoln, or the medieval torture device known as the rack.” The message ends with “Please also understand that I do not mean for this email to be seen as meddling in your affairs,” and the accompanying characters 12@>-->-- which, according to experts, is the universally recognized “dozen roses” emoticon representing “abject apology.”

The email is signed “Your friend in denuclearization, Barack.”

When Iranian foreign officials were asked their reaction to the new “sterner” message, they said they had not yet seen it, and that “It probably got sent to the spam folder.”

Associated article: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/18/AR2009061803495.html