Bad Nanny-State Ideas Traced to Ban on Incandescent Lightbulbs

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Bloomberg

Global Warming Activists Alarmed by Global Cooling of Heads

Human-caused global warming advocates convened to discuss the alarming "global cooling of heads" that appears to be occurring due to man-made errors in the interpretation of data used to claim a coming crisis due to rising temperatures caused by human emissions.

"Even Michael Mann, the professor who created the ubiquitous 'hockey stick' shaped graph Al Gore used in his documentary to show a recent, dramatic spike upwards in global temperatures now says there are 'uncertainties' in his work and says he thought making the graph a central argument in global warming debates was 'misplaced'," said one advocate. "But if we don't work quickly to dramatically ratchet up the hysteria that used to surround the global warming issue, we're in danger of losing millions of dollars in research grants devoted solely to the cause of proving an anthropogenic basis for global warming."

"Now is not the time to pause and think," said another advocate.

Associated articles: Forbes; PajamasMedia; Australian Herald; National Post; Telegraph; New Scientist; UK Telegraph; National Review; Watts Up with That; UK Telegraph; Financial Post; Global Warming Policy Foundation; Wall Street Journal; Forbes 1; The Register; Forbes 2; Forbes 3; Associated Press; Financial Post 1; Watts Up With That 1; Associated Press

More Financial Planners Serving Day Care Centers

Kansas City, Kansas--Now that each child born will have a $30,000 share of a runaway national debt, more and more financial planners are serving in day care centers nationwide.

"Kids need to get a head start on their payment obligations these says," said one center worker. "So it only makes sense to add a review of future tax obligations to the mix of activities day care centers have to offer."

One financial planner said he enjoyed providing the service, but noted "the crying can get to you after a while." Still, he said, "lots of kids eventually do come to understand the need to invest a portion of their allowances in flexible foreign funds."

When asked about her investment plan, one child, Mary Stennings, said "I like gold. And pink."

Associated articles: PolitiFact; CNS News

Early American Custody Agreement Puts Paternity of Founding Fathers in Doubt

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania--A legal petition dated just after the ratification of the Constitution -- and signed by the nation's Founding Fathers who drafted the Supreme Law of the Land -- has placed into doubt the paternity of America's foundational law.

The document, found buried in the archives of a Philadelphia historical center, announce the intentions of the delegates to the Constitutional Convention that their status of "Founding Fathers" of the United States be severed in the event that "the plain meaning of the terms used in the Constitution become so perverted by the political manipulations of others, in ways not authorized by the Constitution, that our progeny is no longer recognizable as such."

Lawyers are currently debating whether recent court decisions regarding marriage, national security, and property rights violate the terms of the Founding Fathers' custody agreement, but the legal consensus is that "We may now need to name some Founding Stepfathers."

Scientists Speculate What Humans Will Look Like After Several Generations of Democratic Policies

Atlanta, Georgia--After several years of federal policies directed at taking control of people's decisions regarding health care, energy use, housing purchases, and education loans, scientists have begun to speculate on what humans in the United States might look like if such policies continue for successive generations.

"Evolution is the process by which organisms slowly adapt to their environments through subtle constitutional changes over time," said one scientist. "So with increasing dependence on government bailouts and mandates, we see Americanus Obamus evolving into something closer to a primordial ooze, something akin to a shapeless amoeba that simply reacts to external government stimuli."

The same scientists predict members of the expected new species -- which they call "Obamoebas" -- will likely die out after reserves of their taxpayer dollar food source dries up, at which point they would most likely have to eat each other to survive.

Associated report: Heritage Foundation; associated articles: New York Times; Fiscal Times; USA Today; Ohio State University; New York Post; Wall Street Journal

Contemporary Urban Graffiti

Found on Yahoo Answers

Associated chart: Business Insider

Six Flags Opens New Obama-Themed Roller Coaster

Baltimore, Maryland--With the economy tanking and a record one in six Americans taking part in various government anti-poverty programs, the Six Flags amusement park announced the opening of it's latest roller coaster.

"It's called the Obamarator," said a park spokeswoman, who said it consists of a winding but ever low-spiraling ride in cars fitted with video screens showing the latest economic indicators.

"With the latest data showing Medicaid enrollment at record highs even before 16 million people are added by the ObamaCare law in 2014, a 50% rise in food stamp participants, a 400% increase in those receiving unemployment insurance, and an 18% increase in the welfare rolls," said the spokeswoman, "we didn't have to do much more to make this one of the most frightening Six Flags coasters ever."

One man who rode on the coaster's maiden run said "After the very first turn -- where you see that Medicaid costs have jumped 36% in two years to $273 billion, jobless benefits soared from $43 billion to $160 billion, and food stamp and welfare costs have risen 80% and 24% -- I almost lost my lunch."

Associated articles: USA Today; New York Daily News

First Prize at Local Science Fair Goes to Student with Global Warming Display Behind Black Curtain

Derbyville, New York--Junior high school student Cody Burroughs won first place in the local science fair for his alleged display of the science proving human-caused global warming, which remained hidden behind a thick black curtain.

"The conclusions Cody came to so confirmed the prevailing consensus that we found it unnecessary to look behind the curtain," said one of the judges.

Other judges said they were impressed by Cody's assiduous deletion of any emails in his possession that would have cast doubt on the validity of the claims he made, and his encouragement of classmates to ignore any student who offered evidence to rebut his theories.

The judges said that in evaluating the science fair projects, they used the same criteria applied by the "Independent Climate Change Email Review," which papered over the recent Climategate scandal.

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Washington Times; London Telegraph; Times of Higher Education; Watts Up With That; Wall Street Journal 1

Democrats Invite Caricature of Rich Guy to Testify at Tax Hearing

Washington. D.C.--Democrats have invited an "absurd caricature of a rich person" to testify at a congressional tax hearing and help make their case that "rich people" should have their taxes raised.

"In reality, roughly 80 percent of millionaires in America are the first generation in their family to be rich, by earning it. And the wealthiest five percent of Americans pay about 60 percent of all income taxes," said a Democratic committee spokesperson. "So we're looking to a cartoonish exaggeration of a rich guy to justify our class warfare rhetoric."

When asked by Republican Members on the committee whether he was aware that statistics show higher-income people work longer hours and spend less time on leisure activities -- while giving half of all charitable contributions -- Rufus Terwillinger III replied, "Guffaw! Now pardon me as I wallow in piles of cash and mock the less fortunate!"

Associated articles: National Review; Mercatus; AP Fact Check; associated video: Bill Whittle

Santa Asks Kids to Give Back This Year

Washington, D.C.--Children around the country were surprised last night to see Santa Claus deliver an unprecedented prime time television address in which he asked the nation's youth to "give back this year" by contributing what they could to their $40,000 share of the massive national debt.

"I know these are tough economic times," said Santa, "but this year, there are over 6,000 earmarks in the Democratic Congress' spending bill, and the John Murtha Foundation and the Edward M. Kennedy Institute alone need $18 million from your collective allowances."

Santa closed his remarks by explaining to the nation's children that he "had to give out over $800 billion in gifts to the public sector at the beginning of the year," so he was looking to children everywhere to finally "pay up."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

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Associated articles: Associated Press; Wall Street Journal

No Labels Groups Unveils New Clothing Label

Washington, D.C.--The group "No Labels" -- led by a group of former politicians who lost reelection and a host of largely uninfluential political commentators -- unveiled a new clothing line to garner attention for its mission of removing intellectual consistency from political discourse.

"By hyping the often trivial common ground between those who believe government must enforce its vision of justice and those who believe personal fulfillment is best achieved through individual responsibility and the voluntary interaction of free people," said a No Labels spokesperson, "we hope to foster a self-righteous sense of civility designed to suppress exposure of the contradictions that inevitably underlie attempts to compromise on fundamental issues."

Founded on the principle that "defending principle is indefensible," the No Labels clothing line aims at making "totally vapid totally cool."

Associated article: Slate

Obama Defends His Divinity Against Church and State Challenge

Washington, D.C.--President Obama defended his divinity before the Supreme Court yesterday, arguing personally that his holy status did not violate any constitutionally required separation between church and state.

"The First Amendment prohibits the government from establishing a religion," Obama told the Justices. "But I didn't establish my divinity as President. Rather, my divinity was created by free citizens who decided on their own to join my cult following."

Several of the conservative justices seemed to agree with Obama, with one pointing out that "The intercession of free choice by individuals would seem to negate any claim of government-imposed religion."

Obama divided his time for oral argument with the Solicitor General, who began his presentation in defense of Obama's constitutionality by saying "May it please the Court, and His Divine Holiness Obama, Whose Infinite Wisdom and Mercy Is the Beginning and the End of All That Is Just and Good."

Associated articles: Victor Davis Hanson; Wall Street Journal; Weekly Standard

Students March to Increase Age of Puberty, Adulthood

Washington, D.C.--Emulating their peers in Europe who are protesting increases in student fees and cutbacks in government programs, American young adults have begun marching en mass in favor of increasing the age of puberty and the onset of personal responsibility.

"Adulthood is bulls**t!" said one angry student. "We've been treated like children so long by the government it's unfair to expect us to come of age now!"

The marchers chanted refrains of "What do we want? iPods! When do we want them? Now!" before converging at an Apple Superstore and demanding prepaid iTunes cards.

Obama Assures Nation: "I Come in Peace"

Washington, D.C.--In a prime time television address that rivited the nation, President Barack Obama sought to assure tremulous Americans who generally consider him distant and detached that "I come in peace."

Obama delivered the address inside what White House officials called "The Oval Saucer," pausing frequently to extend his hand toward the camera in a reassuring manner. "You have nothing to fear," said Obama, his voice echoing with every syllable.

Many Americans expressed relief following the address, especially from Obama's assurances that "We will depart as soon as our egos are fed." But others remained concerned by Obama's remarks that "your civilization will be protected by layers of bureaucracy that will preserve your species for generations to come."

Still others were unnerved by Obama's use of the royal "we," but an administration spokesperson made clear that such a linguistic formulation "referred only to the collective consciousness of the larger White House," and that "in any case our data indicate your kind can safely withstand at least six more years of preparatory incubation."

Associated articles: London Telegraph; Investors Business Daily

Obama Appoints Ambassador to Business World

Washington, D.C.--President Obama appointed the nation's first ambassador to the business world today, saying the post "would help facilitate negotiations with the exotic and alien denizens of the economic sector."

As a former community organizer, law professor, and Senator, President Obama has had no practical experience as a businessperson, nor have his top aides. But a White House spokesperson said the American people "have to come to grips with the reality that there are people out there in the world, many with dirty hands, who bang things together into things that are bought and sold as commodities."

"We have to face up to the reality of business," said a White House aide.

The man appointed to the new ambassadorship, Henry Lewis, is reportedly fluent in common sense.

Associated articles: Daily Caller; The Hill

Democrats' Economic Models Based on Earth Being Struck by Giant Asteroid

Washington, D.C.--While many have begun questioning the long-term viability of Democrats' plans to rely on perpetual government spending instead of personal responsibility to boost the economy, Democratic officials are defending their own economic models, which are based on a giant asteroid hitting the Earth some time in coming years.

Democratic economists point to a footnote in all their economic reports, which states their "Projections [are] based on the Earth's being hit by a humongous asteroid" -- an event that may occur in 2182 when the 2,000-foot wide 1999 RQ36 has a 1-in-1,000 chance of reaching Earth.

"Our economic plans are entirely reasonable if our home planet's destroyed fairly soon," said a top Treasury Department official.

Associated article: MSNBC

Obama Health Care Law Promises Go Up in Flames on Special Episode of Mythbusters

Washington, D.C.--President Obama will appear on a special episode of the Discovery Channel's "Mythbusters" and watch as the show's hosts introduce reality to Obama's promises regarding the new health care law.

"The results of the experiment are spectacular," said one industry insider. "The promises go up in flames, often dramatically."

Promises that prove unable to withstand reality include a promise that the law will decrease government health care costs (disproven by Medicare's official actuary); a promise that employees can keep the health insurance coverage they like (disproven by the administration's own estimates that large majorities will be forced to change coverage and probably have to switch to more expensive plans); and a promise that the law will not increase insurance premiums (belied by recent state insurance commission approvals of rate increases due to the added costs imposed by the law).

"The claims made by those supporting the new health care law are definitely myths," said the show's producer.

Associated articles: Reuters; Washington Examiner

Obama: "Read My Busted Lip: No New Taxes on the Rich"

Associated article: ABC News

Santa Gives Nation the Gift of Coal After Defeat of Democrats' Cap and Tax Plans

Everywhere, USA--After the Democrats suffered historic defeats at the polls last November, Santa Claus announced all Americans would be getting "the gift of precious coal" as it became clear plans for draconian energy taxes would be scrapped.

Back in 2008, then-candidate for Presient Barack Obama said of his energy policies: "If somebody wants to build a coal-powered plant, they can; it's just that it will bankrupt them because they're going to be charged a huge sum for all that greenhouse gas that's being emitted."

"But coal provides usable energy at much less than a quarter of the cost of either oil or natural gas," said Santa, "and 50 percent of the energy produced in the United States comes from coal. I'm pleased to say that the American voters were very good this year because they rejected candidates who wanted to dramatically increase their energy costs in return for relatively few demonstrable benefits."

Judge Orders Christmas Depictions of Jesus Replaced with Doc Holliday

Lubberville, Oregon--A federal judge in Oregon has ordered a local town to replace its Christmas depictions of Jesus Christ with the "less offensive" image of legendary bar owner, gambler, and gunslinger Doc Holliday.

Although title 5, Section 6103 of the United States Code specifically declares "Christmas" a "legal public" day of celebration, Judge Lewis Tunnick held that celebrating a "Holliday" rather than Christmas' namesake was "more appropriate" in that it singled out for recognition "a popular secular lawman" instead of a "religious figure."

Guy Who Elbowed President Obama During Basketball Game Awarded Medal of Freedom

Washington, D.C.--The person who recently elbowed President Obama during a White House basketball game was awarded the Medal of Freedom yesterday for his role in exposing the President to the real-world conditions of competition.

"After having been surrounded by sycophants and coddlers my entire adult life, who praised me endlessly when I had in fact accomplished very little, I found myself elbowed in the face during a competitive basketball game, requiring a dozen stitches," said Obama during the ceremony. "For introducing me to a world in which competition can result in adverse experiences that people can learn from, I hereby award the guy who elbowed me in the face the Medal of Freedom."

Upon receiving the award, the guy who elbowed President Obama in the face said "It was my pleasure to expose the President to the world most of us live in every day, and help demonstrate that government cannot always be relied on to prevent personal misfortune in the give-and-take of everyday life."

Associated article: Associated Press

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