In Compromise Offer to Republicans, Obama Agrees to Support Only 1,500-Page Bills That Control an Additional 7% of Economy

Washington, D.C.--In what White House officials called "an unprecedented gesture of good will and in a spirit of compromise," President Obama said at a bipartisan meeting on Capitol Hill today that he would limit his support to bills that are 1,500 pages long and control only an additional 7% of the U.S. economy.

"Some are complaining because legislation I signed into law ran into the many thousands of pages and controlled an additional tenth of the national's privately-held resources," said Obama. "I'm willing to look beyond the past, and push forward with policies that grow the government by one-seventh at a time."

Associated article: Fox News

What Do YOU Think?

Costs of Lack of Interest Projected to Swamp Costs of Interest on National Debt in Coming Years

Associated article: Mercatus Center

Obama to Embark on National Listening Tour; President Plans to Plug Ears and Hum National Anthem in All 50 States

Washington, D.C.--Following the last election's massive turnout of voters intent on electing representatives who will help restore traditional Americans values and oppose central parts of President Obama's agenda, the White House announced today that Obama plans a national listening tour in which he will visit all 50 states while plugging his ears and humming the national anthem.

"The president will demonstrate his deep patriotism by traveling cross-sections of the country, standing in large audiences, and then filling his head with the sonorous sounds of the Star-Spangled Banner," said a White House spokesperson. "And in the event people in the crowds prove at all distracting, the president stands ready to order the firing of cannons during the anthem's crescendo."

Turkey Pardons Obama

Commission Rejects Debt-Reduction Plan

Washington, D.C.--A commission formed to recommend how to lower the nation's massive federal debt rejected a proposal today offered by representatives of America's Founders. The proposal, popularly referred to as the "U.S. Constitution," provided for a system in which states and localities would be responsible for most spending decisions, and the federal government would be limited in its powers to the few items listed in Article I.

"It was just too radical," said a spokesperson after the commission unanimously voted down the proposal. "The concepts it's based on have come up before in our nation's history, and they caused an American Revolution. We don't need that sort of distraction in these tough economic times."

Lost Dog

Associated articles: Washington Post; The New Republic

Congress Requires 20% Gratuity for Taxpayers of Eight or More

Washington, D.C.--President Obama signed federal legislation yesterday, passed by the lame duck Democrat-controlled Congress, that requires a 20% gratuity from taxpayers of eight or more.

The Obama Administration and the Democrat-controlled Congress have long expressed its frustration that Americans have been insufficiently grateful for the massive new government programs they recently enacted, but this is the first time the law has been codified to correct that perceived inadequacy.

At the signing ceremony, Obama said "It's just not fair that subjective assessments of the government's performance can leave millions of federal bureaucrats without the compensation they deserve for their service."

Congressional Democrats said the gratuity mandate was necessary because "in a country of over 300 million people, it's just too hard for citizens in large groups to avoid their fiscal responsibility."

Obama Nominates Scenester to Make National Debt Hip

Washington, D.C.--President Obama today nominated Trevor "Diametric" Frylinheuse to head a new office created to make the national debt seem hip to those who will eventually have to pay for it.

Diametric -- a 26-year old metrosexual from Brooklyn who's still on his parents health insurance thanks to the Democrats' new health care law -- occasionally gazed up from his iPod during the announcement ceremony, took a sip from a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and lifted his shirt to reveal a large tattoo depicting a bar graph showing the rising national debt, which he called a "work in progress."

"I'm very pleased to add Diametric to our team," said Obama. "I have every confidence he will use obscure movie lines to communicate to the public just how cool our absurdly large national debt it."

Asked about his plans for popularizing the national debt among young people, Diametric said "It's like, I'm going to use taxpayer cash fashionably, hit the coffee shops, maybe take some pictures making out with my girlfriend in a dumpster, and horse around with my friends on some train tracks."

Associated article: Politifact

Attorney General Convicted of Prosecuting Terrorists in Federal Court

Associated articles: Reuters; Weekly Standard

Headlines

Work Begins on "Mount Rush More" to Honor American Political Leaders Who Rammed Through Massive Legislation

Cthulhu Has Dominant Influence on National Debt Commission Debates

Washington, D.C.--Members of the commission President Obama appointed to make recommendations on how to reduce the national debt are increasingly concerned by the dominant role being played by one commission member.

"I'm not sure it was helpful to appoint someone to the commission whose terrifyingly omnipresent brooding is such an obvious personification of the bone-crushing national debt," said one member who insisted on speaking anonymously for fear Cthulhu would doom his soul to oblivion by simply gazing in his direction and bringing him to understand the profound futility of his inconsequential suggestions in light of an unspeakably massive federal debt.

Another anonymous commission member expressed frustration with Cthulhu's presence on the commission, saying "It's difficult to focus on what's really needed in the midst of a gargantuan, squid-headed, claw-winged embodiment of a $14 trillion national debt plus a combined $106 trillion in liabilities for Social Security and Medicare, which is about twice the total private net worth of the United States."

Cthulhu would not be reached for comment, in part because his alien language resonates so deeply with humans' primordial sense of insignificance that his uttering a single syllable would risk a brutal self-knowledge of abject futility, crowding out any vestige of sanity.

Associated articles: Wikipedia; Fox News

Scientists Say Equations Predict Alternate Universe Inside President's Head

Pasadena, California--Quantum mechanics professors at the California Institute of Technology believe they've formulated equations that predict the existence of an alternate universe inside the head of President Obama.

"Our observations relative to events in our universe -- such as the effect of cost increases on prices, the effect of the sun and other systems on climate, and perverse incentives created by government bailouts -- are so at odds with the president's observations that we hypothesize he is viewing events in an exclusively inward-looking alternate reality."

Scientists say that collapsed wave functions inside the president's head may prevent us from ever understanding what's occurring there, but that "the collapse of our economy and the functions of government, along with an adverse political wave, may be one commonality that could act as a bridge to the otherwise strange world of the president's thinking."

Associated article: Washington Examiner

Next Generation Placed in Protective Custody

Washington, D.C.--Americans under 18 years of age were placed in protective custody today after child welfare authorities determined their obligation to pay for current federal spending amounted to child abuse.

"We couldn't sit by any longer and allow Congress to foist unprecedented debt on the shoulders of young people nationwide," said a spokesperson for a national child welfare organization. "So we have to restrain congressional representatives from putting young people at even greater risk of future indentured servitude."

Many of the children taken into custody welcomed the protective order, saying "my mommy isn't and should never be the feds."

Classic Remakes

Associated articles: Washington Post; Washington Times

Advisers Recommend Obama Scale Back Efforts to Teach Young People Personal Irresponsibility, Saying President Should "Focus on Smoking for Now"

Washington, D.C.--Worried that the President has spread himself too thin by encouraging people, especially young people, to act irresponsibly by promoting government handouts in such diverse fields as car ownership, school loans, and home ownership, top White House advisers are strongly encouraging Obama to scale back his efforts "and limit his focus for the moment to smoking."

"Smoking helps the President relax despite well-known negative consequences," said one administration official. "We think he should stick to that example for our nation's youth, rather than trying to tackle too many drunken-sailor programs at once."

Administration officials said the President could always return to promoting his many other personal irresponsibility programs, but that for now, with dropping poll numbers, "he needs to stop overextending himself and take things one step at a time."

Obama Regrets Not Using More "Baby Talk" with Voters

Washington, D.C.--Having blamed the Democratic "shellacking" during the mid-term elections on "scared" voters who could not comprehend "facts and science and argument," President Obama said he plans to use more "baby talk" when addressing the American electorate.

"What a cute wittle brainy-wainy you all have today," Obama said at the start of his first post-election address to the Nation. "I bet what you want is a biiiiiiiiiig government ice cream program with lots of sprinkles and chocolate chips and individual mandates, huh?"

Obama turned towards the camera and made cheek-touching motions with his fingers as he told Americans "Daddy Obama going to take weally, weally good care of you!"

Associated article: Politico

Election 2010: Won One for the Sipper

Election Condolence Card

The Joker's Latest Scheme (click image to enlarge)

Associated article: CNBC

Post-Election Headlines

More Post-Election Headlines

Headlines

Obama Tours Destruction of Own Party Left in Wake of Radical Administration

Washington, D.C.--President Obama toured the devastation on Capitol Hill today as his party suffered huge losses following enactment of his policies favoring massive federal public sector spending, government takeovers of health care, housing, and student loans, and his endless demonization of business owners.

Touring the now somber halls of Congress, Obama was escorted by members of the National Guard as he strode between the now-empty seats on the Democratic side of the aisle.

"What happened here was a personal tragedy," said Obama. "I've summoned the full resources of the federal government to double-down yet again on my federal-spending response to the mindless tides of voter insubordination I blame for sweeping so many of my minions from office."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Hotline

Election Day: Time to Choose

New Democrat Public Service Ad

Associated articles: National Review; AEI