Tuesday, November 30, 2010

In Compromise Offer to Republicans, Obama Agrees to Support Only 1,500-Page Bills That Control an Additional 7% of Economy

Washington, D.C.--In what White House officials called "an unprecedented gesture of good will and in a spirit of compromise," President Obama said at a bipartisan meeting on Capitol Hill today that he would limit his support to bills that are 1,500 pages long and control only an additional 7% of the U.S. economy.

"Some are complaining because legislation I signed into law ran into the many thousands of pages and controlled an additional tenth of the national's privately-held resources," said Obama. "I'm willing to look beyond the past, and push forward with policies that grow the government by one-seventh at a time."

Associated article: Fox News

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Obama to Embark on National Listening Tour; President Plans to Plug Ears and Hum National Anthem in All 50 States

Washington, D.C.--Following the last election's massive turnout of voters intent on electing representatives who will help restore traditional Americans values and oppose central parts of President Obama's agenda, the White House announced today that Obama plans a national listening tour in which he will visit all 50 states while plugging his ears and humming the national anthem.

"The president will demonstrate his deep patriotism by traveling cross-sections of the country, standing in large audiences, and then filling his head with the sonorous sounds of the Star-Spangled Banner," said a White House spokesperson. "And in the event people in the crowds prove at all distracting, the president stands ready to order the firing of cannons during the anthem's crescendo."

Monday, November 22, 2010

Friday, November 19, 2010

Congress Requires 20% Gratuity for Taxpayers of Eight or More

Washington, D.C.--President Obama signed federal legislation yesterday, passed by the lame duck Democrat-controlled Congress, that requires a 20% gratuity from taxpayers of eight or more.

The Obama Administration and the Democrat-controlled Congress have long expressed its frustration that Americans have been insufficiently grateful for the massive new government programs they recently enacted, but this is the first time the law has been codified to correct that perceived inadequacy.

At the signing ceremony, Obama said "It's just not fair that subjective assessments of the government's performance can leave millions of federal bureaucrats without the compensation they deserve for their service."

Congressional Democrats said the gratuity mandate was necessary because "in a country of over 300 million people, it's just too hard for citizens in large groups to avoid their fiscal responsibility."

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Advisers Recommend Obama Scale Back Efforts to Teach Young People Personal Irresponsibility, Saying President Should "Focus on Smoking for Now"

Washington, D.C.--Worried that the President has spread himself too thin by encouraging people, especially young people, to act irresponsibly by promoting government handouts in such diverse fields as car ownership, school loans, and home ownership, top White House advisers are strongly encouraging Obama to scale back his efforts "and limit his focus for the moment to smoking."

"Smoking helps the President relax despite well-known negative consequences," said one administration official. "We think he should stick to that example for our nation's youth, rather than trying to tackle too many drunken-sailor programs at once."

Administration officials said the President could always return to promoting his many other personal irresponsibility programs, but that for now, with dropping poll numbers, "he needs to stop overextending himself and take things one step at a time."

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Obama Tours Destruction of Own Party Left in Wake of Radical Administration

Washington, D.C.--President Obama toured the devastation on Capitol Hill today as his party suffered huge losses following enactment of his policies favoring massive federal public sector spending, government takeovers of health care, housing, and student loans, and his endless demonization of business owners.

Touring the now somber halls of Congress, Obama was escorted by members of the National Guard as he strode between the now-empty seats on the Democratic side of the aisle.

"What happened here was a personal tragedy," said Obama. "I've summoned the full resources of the federal government to double-down yet again on my federal-spending response to the mindless tides of voter insubordination I blame for sweeping so many of my minions from office."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Hotline