Obama Runs Afoul of Anti-Stalking Laws

Richmond, Virginia--President's Obama frantic "backyard tour" to sell his radical agenda in Albuquerque, Des Moines, and Richmond have run afoul of local anti-stalking laws, which threaten to limit the omnipresence of the president in domestic spaces nationwide.

"We received a large volume of calls," said a local police spokesperson following Obama's latest backyard event. "They said this guy seemed to be following them everywhere, on television, on the internet, and now on their back patios."

According to local police, "Most complaints came from people who said they voted for the guy once, but it didn't work out, and now they just want to be left alone."

"It's always the professorial, straight-laced guys that turn creepy," said one officer.

Associated articles: Washington Post; Fox; New York Times

Headlines

Democrats Hire M. Night Shyamalan to Direct Pre-election Media Strategy

Washington, D.C.--Congressional Democrats have hired screenwriter M. Night Shyamalan -- known for his quirky films that include often too-whacked-by-half twist endings -- to direct their final, pre-election media strategy.

"We're very excited to have M. Night Shyamalan on board," said Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "The American people already know what we've done to the country. But many people don't yet know that the unprecedented amounts of taxpayer money we've been spending is going to feed a voracious supernatural deity which, if left unfed, would have feasted on the souls of children."

Democratic officials reacted with relief to the announcement that Shyamalan would be leading their communications efforts.

"So far, the massive stimulus projects we passed seem to have been a near-total waste," said one Democratic National Committee spokesperson. "But now Shyamalan can help people see that we Democrats have actually been saving baby's souls while nobly protecting the American public from mass panic."

Officials close to Shyamalan were tight-lipped about the final details of his communications vision, but they assured reporters "This election will end with the realization that hard-earned taxpayer money had to be wasted to save the next generation, and that money isn't everything in the face of the ravenous jaws of a subterranean soul-sucking beast."

Bars Promote Youth Drinking by Installing National Debt Clocks

New York, New York--With the national debt around $14 trillion and counting, amounting to 92 percent of the country's gross domestic product -- and with some economists estimating the real national debt at upwards of $60 trillion when Social Security and Medicare costs are taken into account -- bars across the country have begun to install national debt clocks to promote more drinking, especially by younger Americans.

"We had the old Guinness clock up that counted down the days to St. Patrick's Day," said one bar owner. "But that only drew attention to one day of heavier drinking. Now, with the national debt clock, everyone has a reason to drink heavily every day."

"I like it," said one bar patron, referring to the clock. "The more it goes up the more I feel like drinking up."

Associated articles: UK Telegraph; Wall Street Journal; Weekly Standard

Obama Tours Federal Regulations Plant

Washington, D.C.--President Obama toured a plant that prints federal regulations today as part of a nationwide tour of America's thriving red tape industry.

With manufacturing plants shutting down in greater numbers, administration officials said they wanted the president to highlight "the booming government mandate industry and its exciting new lines of rules and restrictions."

The plant manager walked Obama through the production process and emphasized how regulations "are entering into more markets than ever before."

At the end of the tour Obama told reporters that the plant "was just one of many bureaucratic success stories," and that he looked forward to touring many more new federal agencies in the coming months.

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal 1

After Inviting Comedian Stephen Colbert to Testify on Immigration Policy, Democrats Announce New Hearing Schedule

Associated article: Daily Caller

ACLU Objects to Observance of "Moment of Awkward Silence" at Obama Cabinet Meetings

Washington, D.C.--The American Civil Liberties Union today announced it would challenge the observance of a "moment of awkward silence" during President Obama's cabinet meetings.

"We've become aware that not one, but several, moments of awkward silence have become a regular part of every Obama cabinet meeting," said an ACLU spokesperson. "We find that outrageous and an affront to our understanding of the Constitution. The president shouldn't be ashamed of his far-left agenda or its abysmal results."

According to the ACLU, "Whether it's the president's broken promises on closing the Guantanamo Bay detention facility or trials for terrorists in federal court -- or his administration's failure to implement a rational plan for economic growth -- Obama's articulated agenda should be met with rote acceptance by leftist ideologues, not awkward pauses."

A White House spokesperson dismissed those concerns, saying that recent cabinet meetings have been marked only by several "fleeting moments of passing clarity."

Obama Tells Bob Woodward the U.S. "Can Absorb a Terrorist Attack"

Associated article: Washington Post

New White House Communications Strategy Would Give Teleprompters to Everyone

Washington, D.C.--Faced with an electorate increasingly opposed to its policies, the White House plans to adopt a new communications strategy in which teleprompters would be given to all Americans.

According to one administration official, "We realized the source of the disconnect between the president and the average citizen was due to the fact that the average citizen doesn't work off a teleprompter as well. So the solution is to create a government program under which all Americans can read what their reaction should be to the president's scripted messages."

Associated article: DNA India

New Items for Sale at Democrats' Online Store

Embarrassed Local Man Bought Two Members of Congress on eBay While Drunk

Port View, Indiana--Elliot Newman knew he should never have turned on his computer after a bender at the local bar with friends.

"But I did," he said. "Ebay's my home screen, and when I glanced at it I saw what I thought was an incredible deal, so I hit the 'Buy It Now' button."

Egged on by his drinking buddies, Newman purchased one Member on the House Budget Committee and another on an appropriations committee.

"My friends said they'd look great next to my wife's kitchen witch, and that in any case I could have them vote for legislation bailing out drunks who buy dumb stuff on eBay."

"I just hope my wife has a sense of humor about it," said Newman. "At least we can return them during the next election."

McDonald's Sponsors Super-Sized Constitution Exhibit at National Archives

Washington, D.C.--Junk food giant McDonald's is sponsoring an exhibit on the "Super-Sized Constitution" at the National Archives which will feature the much-bloated version of the Constitution imagined by supporters of an equally super-sized national government.

"Now that it's accepted by political elites that the nation's founding document is larded up with all sorts of extra-constitutional powers for federal authorities," said a McDonald's spokesperson, "we thought it was time to help fund a display highlighting all the extra crap the ruling class demands be glommed onto the Supreme Law of the Land."

Some of those highlights include the federal government's control of segments of the auto industry, the financial services industry, home loan policies, college payments, and the entire health care industry.

"Federal legislators and lifetime-tenured judges have long relied on the super-sized Constitution to justify their imposition of their own policy preferences on the American people," said an Archives official. "We're pleased McDonald's is sponsoring this exhibit so the nation's citizens can finally see the Constitution as it's perceived by their political overlords."

Democrats Unveil New Logo and Merchandise

Associated merchandise: Democrats

Democrats Hint Kittens at Risk in Lame Duck Session

Washington, D.C.--To help increase their chances of maintaining their majority, Democrats in Congress are hinting they may adopt a radical new kitten policy during the lame duck session unless things go their way in the November elections.

"We're just not ruling anything out," said one Democratic aide. "In these tough economic times, we all have to sacrifice something."

Political analysts said that while Democrats have proven themselves capable of passing laws over overwhelming popular opposition, they doubted the Democrats' latest threat would ever be implemented, in part because activists groups like the now-dissolved ACORN have already registered thousands of kittens to vote.

Obama Revamps Campaign Slogan Amidst Sagging Hopes

It's a Tax! (Obama vs. Admiral Ackbar)

President Obama Sports New Look to Regain Popular Appeal

Associated articles: Politico; Daily Beast

Obama Assures Nation "The Only Thing We Have to Be Ashamed of Is Shame Itself"

Washington, D.C.--President Obama took the opportunity yesterday to take some liberties with the First Inaugural Address of former President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and to assure an anxious nation.

What follows are excerpts from that address.

Fellow Americans, I want to address you with the candor the present situation of our people impels. This is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. Nor need we shrink from honestly facing conditions in our country today.

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to be ashamed of is shame itself – unreasoning, unjustified shame which paralyzes needed efforts to convert personal responsibility into acquiescent succor. In every dark hour of our national life an imposition of government programs has met with that understanding and support of the people themselves which is essential to national dependence.

In such a spirit on my part and on yours we face our common difficulties, which concern, not only issues of economics, but also issues of character. Happiness lies in the joy of relinquishing thrift, in the abandonment of accepting subservience to government largess. These dark days will be worth all they cost us if they teach us that our true destiny is not to be minister to ourselves but to be ministered to.

We must recognize the falsity of personal fulfillment as the standard of success. Our greatest primary task is to extend unemployment benefits, not to create jobs. This is no unsolvable problem if we look confidently away from future consequences.

It is to be hoped that the normal balance of democratic consent and executive and legislative authority may be wholly adequate to meet the task before us. But it may be that an unprecedented demand and need for undelayed action may call for a temporary departure from that normal balance of public procedure.

I have not failed. A failure of followership has befallen those who resists a mandate of perpetual dependence. Voters taking a leap of faith have made me the present instrument of their wishes. In the spirit of the gift I take it.

Thank you.

Associated article: George Will

Supreme Court Justices Call Police on Raucous White House Party: "We're Trying to Get Some Work Done Over Here!"

Washington, D.C.--Police narrowly averted a constitutional crisis last night by shutting down the latest of many parties at the White House after U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia called and complained "We can't get any work done with all that racket!"

Scalia and other justices said that after a Super Bowl shindig, several lawn parties, music concerts, and conga lines, "enough was enough."

"They have the gall to commit all manner of constitutional violations," said Justice Alito, "and then on top of that they carry on with raucous celebrations well into the night so we can barely hear ourselves think, let alone write opinions describing all their constitutional infractions."

Administration officials poo-poohed the Justices as "cranky old men," saying "They wouldn't have such a sour attitude if they believed in living a little -- and in a living Constitution that changes with political trends."

Associated article: New York Post

ObamaCare's Bending of Cost Curve Upward Attributed to "A Great Disturbance in the Force"

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Unemployment Up Further as Potential Job Seekers Hide from "Evil, Greedy" Corporations

Economics experts say the nation's abysmal unemployment rate results in part from "an alarming increase in reports of evil, greedy corporations."

As federal officials in the Obama Administration cite more and more instances of private industry skullduggery, experts say people have become terrified to leave their homes lest they be scooped up by one of the many nightmarish corporations President Obama and Democrats in Congress have warned them about.

"I heard Obama say greedy businesses routinely cut corners and impose risks on workers," said one terrified former job applicant curled up in a dark corner of their bedroom. "If it weren't for his repeated public warnings, I might be working inside the belly of one of those corporate beasts today."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal 1

Democrats Hold First Annual Burning Money Festival

Washington, D.C.--Congressional Democrats have begun an annual "Burning Money" event held on the steps of the U.S. Capitol.

The event -- modeled on the popular "Burning Man" festival held in the Nevada desert -- is described as "an experimental community based on radical irresponsibility."

Festival attendees are held to the principles of Burning Money, which include using only other people's resources, taking part in an economy based on earmarks, and leaving no trace of corruption following the event.

Event organizers say it began with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's spontaneously autocratic decision to assemble the $1 trillion federal spending bill into the image of a hapless taxpayer and set it on fire in a ritualistic celebration of spending abandon.

"We hope this tradition is carried on as long as there's money to burn," said Pelosi.

Associated article: Reuters

Left-wing Nobel Prize-Winning Economist Loses to Yellow No. 2 on "Who Has More Collected Knowledge Than a Pencil?"

Hollywood, California--Nobel Prize-winning economist and New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, a prominent defender of government control of the economy, lost to a Yellow No. 2 on the television show "Who Has More Collected Knowledge Than a Pencil?"

Krugman -- a harsh critic of free enterprise -- spouted a wealth of aggregate statistics, but was ultimately outmatched by the vast collection of knowledge and skills that go into the common pencil such as the one next to him, the result of the remarkably complex and free interaction of literally thousands of people around the world -- from the Oregon tree growers to the Connecticut saw makers, to the Midwestern ore miners, the graphite producers from Ceylon, and the Mexican parrafin plant, to name just a few.

As host Jeff Foxworthy walked the contestants through the questioning, it became clear that not only did Krugman not have the smallest fraction of the knowledge necessary to produce his ordinary pencil opponent, but that no one did.

"It wasn't fair," Krugman complained after the show. "The pencil represents a vast collection of information that could never result from the orders of government bureaucrats working with economics experts like me. That blasted pencil's the product of a staggeringly sophisticated but spontaneous free enterprise network guided by millions of individual interactions based on voluntary and mutually beneficial exchanges. And the government needs to put an end to that unfairness!"

Associated video: Milton Friedman; associated articles: Economic Liberty; Wall Street Journal; National Review

Obama Challenges Russian President to a Constitution-Eating Contest

Washington, D.C.--President Obama challenged Russian President Dmitry Medvedev to a constitution-eating contest at Obama's favorite local burger joint.

The two personal embodiments of all-consuming government wolfed down huge chunks of their respective country's governing documents, with Obama starting first with the Constitution's limits to federal taxing authority before tackling the meatier provisions dealing with limits on congressional authority under the Commerce Clause.

Attorney General Eric Holder and other Justice Department employees cheered "Eat, eat, eat, eat!" while the two presidential leviathans gulped ravenously.

In the end, Obama was declared the winner.

"The U.S. Constitution's made of much older and brittler parchment," said one Obama official. "That made it easier to crumple, but at the same time more difficult to swallow. But the president's experience eating his own words made all the difference in the end."

Politicians Explain Benefits of Big Government in Glossy, Full-Color, Easy-to-Understand Mailer (click image to enlarge)

"Small Businesses" Added to "The Rich" on White House Mess Menu

Associated articles: Daily Caller; Associated Press; Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal 1; Washington Post; CNN; The American; Tax Foundation

ACLU Files Lawsuit on Behalf of Headless Americans

Los Angeles, California--After filing a lawsuit arguing that Anwar al-Aulaqi -- a radical Muslim cleric who corresponded with the Christmas bomber and the Fort Hood terrorists and has since become a key operational figure for al-Qaeda -- should be removed from a list of terrorists authorized to be killed by the U.S. government without a trial, the American Civil Liberties Union has filed a companion lawsuit on behalf of all headless Americans.

"Americans beheaded by terrorists cannot speak for themselves," said an ACLU spokesperson, "so it's up to the ACLU to represent them in court and defend their right to be headless."

In court papers, ACLU attorneys said it was "outrageous and unconstitutional for the U.S. military -- on it's own say-so -- to summarily deny Americans' right to go headless."

Associated articles: Washington Post; Washington Post 1; National Review

Former Obama Voter Pleased with Recent Identity Theft

New Wendham, Minnesota--Local man Steven Green was shocked when he found out a computer hacker had stolen his identity.

"He took my bank passwords, my credit cards, my Social Security number, everything that defines me in any official way" said Green. "Now he can even vote in my name."

And Green couldn't be happier.

"I mean, I voted for Obama in the last election, and now I can legitimately blame someone else for my irresponsible actions. It's such a relief."

Green said he hopes the proper authorities identify the thief, so he "can tell people with confidence" who it was who was making really dumb decisions under his name.


Associated article: Wall Street Journal