Democratic Senators Impressed with Kagan's Modesty at Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings

Washington, D.C.--Elena Kagan impressed Democratic Senators with her "extreme modesty" in both dress and speaking style as she appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee for her Supreme Court confirmation hearing.

Wearing a straight jacket and mouth guard and strapped to an adjustable gurney, Kagan appeared to distance herself from a law review article she wrote previously in which she said Supreme Court Justice confirmation hearings had "taken on an air of vacuity and farce" because Senators refused to pin down nominees on their legal views and pursue a more "substantive inquiry" into the nominee's positions on particular legal issues.

Through muffled sounds, Kagan appeared to say her earlier article had been "skewed ... a little too much" in favor of candid answers, before she went silent and was wheeled away.

Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (D-VT) praised Kagan's "remarkable modesty" and said he looked forward to her release into a lifetime position at the Supreme Court.

Associated articles: Associated Press; George Will; Washington Post

Self-Interested Power Hungry Schemers Testify in Favor of Supreme Court Nominee's Fitness for Lifetime Position Rewriting Constitution

Washington, D.C.--Several self-interested power-hungry schemers testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee in favor of the nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court after the New York Times reported that Kagan "never reveal[ed] too much of herself" and "never [went] too far out on a political limb" in order to follow a "calculated path" to the High Court, which was her "goal from the very beginning."

"I think Ms. Kagan is perfect for a lifetime position in which she could rewrite the Constitution for everyone," said Rachel Horntower, a noted suck-up and coldly calculating high school senior and law-student-to-be who never answers controversial questions in class to preserve her political viability. "I've already sacrificed my childhood and growing years engaged in relentlessly ambitious scheming, and some day I, too, hope to enjoy power in proportion to that sacrifice."

Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (D-VT) praised the testimony, saying he could not think of a better person to be in a position to "crush the Constitution like a fragile bird's nest" than someone like Ms. Kagan who had "plotted and strategized their entire life to achieve vast, unchecked power."

Associated articles: New York Times 1; New York Times 2

Secret Service Ordered to Protect Biden from Himself

Washington, D.C.--The Secret Service was ordered today to begin protecting Vice President Biden from threats posed to him by himself.

"The Service will do everything it can to fulfill its expanded duties to protect the Vice President from all threats, whether they be foreign, domestic, or self-inflicted," said an agency spokesperson.

The new protective plan appeared in full force when Biden delivered his latest speech, as a half dozen UV ray-protected eyes focused intently on every move of the Vice President's lips.

Just a few minutes into Biden's speech, when two Secret Service officers noticed his mouth was forming another monstrous gaffe, they quickly wrestled him to the ground and stuck a Teflon sock in it.

Associated videos: Hot Air

Obama "Debty Bear" Craze Sweeps the Nation

In 1902, President Theodore Roosevelt inspired the creation of the beloved teddy bear by showing mercy to a black bear on a hunting trip. Today, President Obama has inspired the "debty bear" by condemning millions of children to back-breaking debt as he oversees the wasteful spending of hundreds of billions of dollars in borrowed money.

"Kids react to it with intense emotion," said one toy store owner. "And lots of left-leaning parents are more than happy to pass these debty bears on to the next generation."

The debty bears come with a knapsack parents can fill with rocks or other heavy objects to simulate the debt-laden weight their children will struggle to carry in the years to come.

"It's a very educational toy," said one satisfied parent. "I'll sometimes strap the debty bear to my daughter's back. It'll help her get used to the drag on her life prospects she'll be experiencing in the not-too-distant future."

"Just Because I Serial Kill Republicans Doesn't Mean I Can't Report Objectively on Politics"

by Richard Pollender, Inmate No. 2071-12

Recently I was pressured to resign my reporter position at the Washington Post after police discovered the heads of several Republican and Tea Party members in a private oversized freezer in my own home. That outrageous assault on my professional integrity, as well as my lifetime imprisonment, is an outrageous assault on the freedom of the press, as my own personal hobbies and preferences don't have any impact on my ability to objectively report on politics.

What I do with the severed heads of my victims is my own business and has no effect whatsoever on the living Republican and Tea Party vermin who continue to roam freely throughout society. Indeed, as an avid collector of Republican and Tea Party appendages who has avoided arrest for almost a decade, I submit I bring a keener eye to the conservative movement.

My reporting stands for itself. My hand-sewn lampshades made of Republican flesh is an entirely separate body of work.

Associated article: Daily Caller

Talks Between Obama and French President's Hand Come to Standstill

In Televised Address, Obama Asks Nation for $999.73 Billion for Bus Fare

Washington, D.C.--In an emotional address to the nation, a distraught President Obama asked Americans for "just $999.73 billion for bus fare" because "Michelle and I just had a huge fight," after which she broke up with him and stranded him in Washington, D.C.

"If you could just find it in your heart to give me what you can spare," said Obama, "I could buy the bus fare I need to campaign across the country for expensive new government programs and conduct international diplomacy for the next six and a half years."

Obama held up what he said was his bus fare to the White House, but begged "I can't afford any more trips unless you help me, please."

Thousands of Americans reportedly contributed, most of whom Obama caught with their children during the dinner hour.

"I don't know," said one mother. "I didn't want my kids or my friends to think I was cold-hearted. And it was the President of the United States. He gave a pretty compelling story."

Obama Submits Annual Philosophical Thesis to Congress

Washington, D.C.--President Obama once again submitted a philosophical thesis to Congress in lieu of a budget, with this year's submission entitled "A Dialectical Materialistic Approach to Trans-Human Idealization."

Administration officials said that while an annual budget would serve only to perpetuate the quaint notion that balance sheets can record the essence of economic affairs, "trans-human idealization" principles serve to "foster a transcendent perspective on the can-be-must-be-will-be inherent in the potential nature of perfectible subjects."

Congressional leaders greeted the White House submission largely with muted expletives, but some thought at least parts of the dialectical thesis would be useful during the budget process. One mildly sarcastic committee Republican said he expected the president's thesis would serve as "a rough but functional bridge between the local materialization of post-digestive remnants and a toilet's wider trans-plumbing system."

Democrats Celebrate Milestone as National Debt Becomes Mathematically Impossible to Pay Back

Washington, D.C.--"We did it!" shouted an exuberant Vice President Biden as the real national debt clock spun past $130 trillion, "We're over the hump!"

So began the White House celebration after President's Obama's science adviser declared the U.S. national debt was now "mathematically impossible to repay."

"This is a real weight off our shoulders," said one administration official. "For the longest time we were at a point at which paying back the national debt would be possible if crushing taxes were imposed across the board. Now, we're liberated from that politically uncomfortable possibility because the real national debt far exceeds the total private net worth of the United States."

In a formal announcement, President Obama thanked public unions for ballooning pension fund obligations and the crafters of various entitlements programs whose liabilities currently exceed $106 trillion.

"Together," said Obama, "we have broken the mathematical barrier of fiscal responsibility."

Associated articles: National Review; National Review 1

Instead of Passing Budget, Congress Passes Resolution Recognizing National Budget Week in Honor of Those Who Have Budgets

Associated articles: Politico; The Hill; Daily Caller; Associated Press

Latest Obama Rolling Stone Cover

Associated article: Rolling Stone

Biden Sworn in As President on 18th Hole as Obama Opts for Yet Another Round of Golf

Andrews Air Force Base, Maryland--Vice President Joe Biden was temporarily sworn in as President on the 18th hole yesterday as Barack Obama opted for yet another round of golf.

"It was such a beautiful day," said a White House spokesman, "that Obama exercised his right under the Twenty-fifth Amendment to send a written declaration to Congress stating he's unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office."

Biden was sworn in by Obama's caddy, who reportedly keeps a pocket copy of the Constitution with him at all times for just such occasions.

Obama later resumed the office of President by transmitting his signed score card to Congress and informing the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House that he was ready to be president once again.

Associated video: White House press briefing

Obama to Focus on Gulf Spill After Oil Begins Washing Up on Sand Traps

Associated article: Daily Caller

Following Negotiations, Public Sector Unions Secure Right to Taxpayers' First-Borns

Public sector worker and teachers unions celebrated their securing the right to taxpayers' first-borns following what government negotiators called "smooth and successful talks."

Government entities had initially requested that the unions accept a pay freeze in light of the tough economy and mushrooming public debt, but they ultimately relented to union demands for thousands of pounds of fresh children's flesh because "in the end, it was six pounds of one, half a dozen of the other" when it came to the impact of union rules on the younger generation's debt burden.

"We agreed to split the baby," said one union negotiator. "On a sacrificial mound. In the break room. During an extended lunch hour."

"We did it for the children," said another satisfied public school official.

Associated articles: National Review; Thomas Sowell; Washington Times

Labor Department Illegal Immigration PSA (Remix)

Related video: Daily Caller

Obama Pleads with Repo Man to Keep White House

Washington, D.C.--A tourist visiting the nation's capital captured an uncomfortable scene on the White House lawn as President Obama pleaded with a repo man to keep his official residence.

"We heard this enormous tow truck pull up Pennsylvania Avenue," said Richard Rend of Kinnituck, Iowa. "Before the driver could get the first tow line in place, Obama ran out of the White House screaming with his arms flailing wildly."

According to onlookers, the repo man said he had "the proper papers," and produced for Obama what appeared to be a balance sheet of borrowed money owed to the Chinese government.

"That's bull****!" Obama was heard yelling. "You tell them I got future generations to back me up on this! You tell them that!"

"The repo guy was pretty calm about the whole thing," said Rend. "But the secret service had to hold the president back after he began swinging what looked like a poker from one of the White House fireplaces."

The First Lady had come out in her robe and slippers by the time the tow truck began to pull away, with Obama shrieking "Don't you f***ing dig up my lawn, ass****!"

Associated article: German News; BBC News

Members of Congress Move to Reverse Their Listing as an Invasive Species

Washington, D.C.--The House and Senate moved quickly today to legislatively reverse the listing of Members of Congress on the "invasive species" list.

Invasive species are defined as foreign species that alter the environment in ways that support their own existence over native species. Members of Congress were designated as invasive after they passed the DISCLOSE Act, federal legislation that limits the ability of non-profit and for-profit corporations, but not unions, to criticize incumbents, and the Federal Trade Commission issued a draft proposal to have the federal government provide "direct and indirect" taxpayer-funded bailouts of journalists with the inevitable limits on free speech that would come with such federal funding.

"Once a species with an instinct for European socialist regulatory policies begins to restrict the ability of native American species to compete in a free market of ideas," said one political environmental expert, "it becomes invasive."

Members of Congress were placed on the list behind the brown tree snake and the Chinese mitten crab amidst concerns federal representatives "might soon even crowd out cockroaches."

Associated articles: Center for Competitive Politics; Reason; Daily Caller; associated report: Federal Trade Commission

Obama Interrupts Televised Lecture, Says He Won't Resume Until Everyone Puts Their Laptops Away

Associated article: CNN

Hollywood Stars Announce First Edition of Celebrity Precedents to Help Lawmakers Decide Important Public Issues

Los Angeles, California--Rapper Kanye West announced the publication of the first edition of "United States Celebrity Precedents," which he said was designed to help lawmakers and judges cite the latest prevailing wisdom among Hollywood stars when deciding the most important public issues of the day.

"It was like, people would be askin' whether my comments on how George Bush doesn't care about black people were still valid in light of Mickey Rourke's sayin' Bush was doin' a helluva job in difficult times, and P. Diddy's more recent comments that Sarah Palin scares him," said West. "This book lays all that stuff out so the precedential nature of celebrity comments can be easily cited by courts and legislatures."

Already, a Democratic Congress has cited Tom Hanks in a committee report for the proposition that Americans just want to kill terrorists because "they're different," and one federal district court decision regarding gay marriage has included the citation "See Sean Penn (supporting same-sex marriage); but see Elton John (supporting only same-sex civil unions)."

Obama to Address Nation Tonight on His Speech Disaster of the Previous Evening

Associated article: National Review

Congressman Proposes that Liberal Supreme Court Justice's Cell Phone Numbers Be Added to Constitution

Washington, D.C.--With liberal, judicial activist Supreme Court Justices increasingly ignoring the text of the Constitution and interpreting it in contorted ways that further their own policy preferences, Rep. John Fuller has introduced a constitutional amendment that would list the personal cell phone numbers of those Justices in the document's Article III.

"No one can be sure what the Constitution says any more without consulting the personal opinions of five of the nine unelected Supreme Court Justices," said Fuller. "So it only makes sense to make the Constitution more accessible to everyone by making the Justices more accessible."

Some legal scholars said being able to reach the Justices by phone could strengthen the rule of law by making it possible to determine "what side of the bed the Justices got out on on any given day." But other court observers said that if the amendment were adopted, the liberal judicial activist Justices would likely negate it through their own twisted reading.

Associated articles: USA Today

Obama Encourages Americans "If We Can Put a Man on the Moon, We Can Transform Our Own Country Into the Same Cold, Barren Landscape"

Washington, D.C.--In a major address to the American people, President Obama linked the Gulf oil spill to his cap-and-trade energy tax policies and assured the country that "If we can put a man on the moon, we can transform our own country into the same cold and barren landscape."

Obama encouraged Americans to see beyond the monotonous oil resources beneath our own soil and in our own shallow waters and envision "an American economy covered with the same bleak gray craters that pockmark the surface of the moon, which has inspired dreamers worldwide."

Obama emphasized that "It took a massive government program for us to experience the dry, battered crust of our lunar satellite," and he sought to steel Americans by promising that "what millions of meteor and asteroid collisions did for the moon over millennia, we can do for our country within a generation, if only we remain focused on the goal of taxing productive energy resources and subsidizing less productive ones with your own taxpayer money."

Associated article: Washington Examiner; Krauthammer

Obama Has Agency Head Appoint Commission to Select Czar of Presidential Leadership Decisions

Washington, D.C.--The day after announcing he would address leadership questions surrounding his handling of the Gulf oil spill by appointing a "czar" to deal with the crisis, President Obama tapped the head of a federal agency to appoint members of a commission to select a czar in charge of all other presidential leadership decisions.

"Today I take the bold step of having one of my cabinet members choose a dozen commissioners who will select a czar to make leadership decisions," said Obama. "No longer will the need for decisive action go unmet by someone who reports to a commission within an agency under the supervision of an unelected cabinet member."

The commission was expected to eventually produce take-aways regarding the formulation of the criteria for action items that would inform the contours of the logo that would accompany guidelines regarding the czar's core responsibilities.

Associated articles: National Review; CBS News; Daily Caller

Area Man Petitions Doctors for Return to Coma

Ludlow, Iowa--Bill Travitt went into a coma in October, 2008, and came out of it just days ago. But now he's petitioning his doctors for a return to his comotose state "for at least a few years more."

Travitt said he came to his decision after reading just half a dozen daily newspapers.

"Since I lost consciousness," he said, "we've run a $1.5 trillion deficit, and future deficits from 2010 through 2020 are projected to total $82,219 per household. I can't afford that kind of debt right now, so I figure I should sit things out until after the next election or so."

Travitt's doctors were reluctant to agree to his request, but "he made a compelling case" said one physician. "More than 41 cents of every dollar the federal government spends in 2010 will be borrowed."

At first, Travitt's parents tried to get their son to change his mind. "But then I read stimulus money had been spent on mascot costumes, electric golf carts, and a study on how much college girls need to drink before agreeing to casual sex," said his father. "I told Bill I'd have a cold one ready when he came to again."

Tax Bills to Be Written In Pirate-Speak for Greater Clarity (click image to enlarge)

Children Demand Piggy Bank Bailout

Washington, D.C.--Kids around the country who've seen their savings dwindle in a bad economy gathered in the nation's capital today to demand a piggy bank bailout.

"In my ... my ... my little world," said one youngster, "my piggy bank is too big to fail!"

Other kids expressed similar frustrations, with many saying "If adults and union members who should have known better are getting bailed out, kids should get bailed out, too. After all, kids is supposed to be stupid!"

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Gulf Oil Spill Water Bird Cleaning Facilities Converted to Accommodate Tarred and Feathered Federal Officials

Obama's Original Birth Certificate Shows He is a Citizen of Qu'Ri-Sen-tai in the Epsilon Eridani System

Washington, D.C.--The original "vault" copy of President Obama's birth certificate shows he is a citizen of Qu'Ri-Sen-tai, a large planet in the Epsilon Eridani solar system.

"That explains quite a bit," said one political observer. "Obama and his administration seem to have a lot of trouble distinguishing terrorists from other people, and that's probably because all humans look the same to him."

Other observers said the fact that Obama's home planet is considered a "gas giant" like Jupiter also explains "the particularly gaseous nature of Obama's oral emissions."

Some raised concerns about the impact of the revelation on Obama's qualifications to be U.S. President, but a White House spokesman dismissed the criticism, saying "That's an issue that will be decided by the United Federation of Planets."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal; The Independent

U.S. Bond Ranking Tanks After Moody's Gives "Stinks" Rating to Obama's S**t

New York, New York--Following news that the federal government will spend $30,500 per household in 2010, a record spending pace not seen since World War II, the credit rating agency Moody's Investors Service officially downgraded its rating of President Obama's s**t to "stinks."

The news came as a shock to investors worldwide, as the popular wisdom had long been that Obama's s**t "just didn't stink," in the words of one international investor.

A spokesman for Moody's said the new lower rating of "toilet grade" was required by an analysis of Obama's budget, which shows a level of federal borrowing that will cause the national debt to double over the next decade.

Associated report: Heritage Foundation; associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Washington Times; Wall Street Journal 1; Bloomberg

Harvard Grants Random Normal Guy an Honorary Degree in Pretentious Douchebaggery

Cambridge, Massachusetts--For the first time in its long history, Harvard University deigned to grant a normal guy an honorary degree in pretentious douchebaggery.

Plant worker Ed Long appeared to accept the honor reluctantly, saying "I really don't want to be here."

Ed was introdcued by the President of Harvard College, who said "Ed Long is a hard-working common sense-type of man who made it on his own and does his best to provide for his family amidst a grueling maze of taxes and regulations, much of which was designed by our illustrious institution's fine graduates. Even so, Harvard bestows upon this vulgar specimen an honorary degree in pretentious douchebaggery as a testament to this hallowed university's dedication to patronizing the non-elite."

Associated article: Washington Post

Ass Comment Comparison

Video also on YouTube

Reinforced Capitol Dome Fails to Stem Massive Money Leak

Washington, D.C.--Money continued to gush from a runaway U.S. Capitol Building as engineers worked to close the vents on a reinforced dome to help stem the damage.

But technicians are having trouble closing the vents in the dome because of fears the pressure inside -- created by a push for more cap and tax energy legislation in response to the Gulf oil spill -- would become so great the savings of future generations would blast through the seal.

The cap remains a temporary measure, as federal legislative profligacy is expected to continue at least until the August congressional recess.

"But we're pressing ahead," said one fiscal expert, "because every day the leak goes uncapped this unprecedented debt stains more and more young Americans and kills their prospects for future economic well-being."

Associated articles: Gallup; Wall Street Journal

Obama's Attempt to Vulcan Mind-Meld with Gulf Oil Spill Proves Unsuccessful

Associated article: Star Trek ("The Devil in the Dark")

Treasury Secretary Raises Concerns As He Insists on Traveling in Portable Escape Pod

Washington, D.C.--Just days after the bond market began to rate private companies as safer investments than the U.S. government under the Obama Administration, Treasury Secretary Geithner has been sighted traveling with what the administration calls "a bulky but necessary portable work station," but which others say is "clearly some sort of escape pod."

Treasury officials dismissed the rumors, saying the propulsion system under Geithner's seat and the metal mesh enclosures around his cup holder "came with the extendable laptop rest."

Associated articles: Reason; Bloomberg

Democrats to Run Against William Howard Taft in 2010

Washington, D.C.--Congressional Democrats, whose policies have proven unpopular and deeply divisive, have decided they will campaign in 2010 against William Howard Taft, who left office in 1913.

"We're still living with the devastating legacy of our twenty-seventh president," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "and we Democrats stand for change."

"Look, America was saddled with the Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act of 1909 for many years before we Democrats took over," said Chris Van Hollen, chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. "And it's going to take a lot more time for us to overcome the lingering effects of former Attorney General George W. Wickersham's tenure."

Associated article: CQ Politics

Lawyer Finds Image of Karl Marx in Code of Federal Regulations

Hartford, Connecticut--"It's a sign," said a Connecticut lawyer, holding up Subchapter A, Section 2.17, page 643 of the Code of Federal Regulations, on which appears the distinct image of philosopher Karl Marx.

The lawyer said he was perusing the regulations for a client when he came across what he called "a clear portent."

But government officials dismissed his claim, saying that "With tens of thousands of pages of federal regulations, it's a statistical certainty that one of those pages is going to contain what looks like the face of a famous socialist."

Associated article: Thomas Sowell

New Cigarette Warning Label

Associated article: Huffington Post

Bernie Madoff to Head Social Security Administration from Jail

Washington, D.C.--President Obama announced today he was nominating convicted Ponzi scheme perpetrator Bernie Madoff as head of the Social Security Administration.

"Bernie took money from investors and promised to give it back to them later, but instead spent it on nice things for himself and paid prior investors with funds from new investors until the scheme fell apart," said Obama. "That experience will serve him well at the Social Security Administration, where Bernie will take money from wage earners, see it used for congressional pork projects, and then pay new retirees with taxes paid by current workers until the scheme falls apart."

Associated report: Congressional Budget Office; associated articles: New York Times; American Spectator; Washington Post; Associated Press; Krauthammer