Monday, March 29, 2010

Democrat Henry Waxman Holds Hearings on Infiltration of Generally Accepted Accounting Principles into U.S.

Washington, D.C.--Just days after enactment of a massive government-run health care system, financial regulations required companies including AT&T, Deere, Caterpillar, AK Steel, and 3M to announce publicly how the new health care scheme would negatively affect their balance sheets by imposing new, significant liabilities. Henry Waxman, the Democratic chairman of the House Energy & Commerce Committee, immediately responded by announcing the heads of those companies would be hailed before his panel and forced to disclose whether they are now, or have ever been, subject to Generally Accepted Accounting Principles.

"That some companies would continue to profess a duty to serve their shareholders' interests, even after passage of ObamaCare, is cause for grave concern," said Waxman. "And we're going to do everything we can to root out the last vestiges of allegiance to the nefarious forces of sound accounting."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Washington Examiner; New York Times

Flag Design: Don't Tread on My Health Care

Associated report: CATO Institute

Friday, March 26, 2010

President Obama Answers Third Grader's Letter (click image to enlarge)

Associated articles: Larry Kudlow; Washington Post; Associated Press; Wall Street Journal; Washington Post 1

Director's Cut of Hot Tub Time Machine Movie to Include Scene Showing President Obama Signing Arms Control Agreement with Russia

Associated article: ABC News

Castro Praises ObamaCare

Havana, Cuba--Cuban socialist leader Fidel Castro praised the passage of government-run health care in the U.S. saying "234 years after the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. will finally join Cuba in granting citizens health care comparable to what was available in 1776."

Associated article: Associated Press

Democrats Claim Congress Has Authority to Make Everyone Buy Snuggies and Jupiter Jacks

Washington, D.C.--After Congress, for the first time in U.S. history, passed a law that requires everyone to purchase a particular product -- in this case health insurance -- over a dozen states have filed lawsuits arguing the legislation violates the Commerce Clause of the Constitution which grants Congress only the limited power to regulate activities that effect interstate transactions.

"If a decision not to buy a product, and to refrain from trade, production, or commerce, can be considered an economic activity Congress can regulate," said one state attorney general, "then Congress will be able to regulate absolutely everything, and the enumerated powers in Article I limiting federal authority and creating a system of federalism will have been read out of the Constitution."

In response, Democrats threatened to pass a law requiring everyone to buy Snuggies and Jupiter Jacks.

"I suggest that the American people, and the courts, respect our authority to make people buy things simply because people exist," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. "If they don't, we can always begin considering federal legislation that furthers a national policy of hands-free driving and energy conservation through the mandatory use of static-ridden wireless speaker systems and cumbersome wearable blankets."

Related articles: Reason; Washington Times; Wall Street Journal; New York Times; American Spectator; Wall Street Journal 1; New York Times 1; Wall Street Journal 2

Thursday, March 25, 2010

White House Rehangs Abstract Painting of Social Security Cash Flow After Discovering It Was Hung Upside Down

Associated article: New York Post

Government Hires Somali Pirates to Distribute Federal Funds to Illegal Immigrants Counted by Census

Washington, D.C.--Because the Census Bureau will not ask those surveyed whether or not they are in the country legally, billions of federal taxpayer dollars will go to illegal aliens under funding formulas that distribute taxpayer money to government programs based on each state's population.

As a result, the government announced yesterday that it will partner with Somali pirates to distribute the federal funding to states with large numbers of illegal immigrants.

"If we're going to be plundering from states with low illegal populations and giving that money to states with high illegal populations," said one government official, "we might as well rely on the experts."

Sources added that since the Census Bureau cut all ties with ACORN, "We had an open slot for another pirate organization."

Associated article: Washington Examiner; Shreveport Times

Scarface-esque Joe Biden Says "This is a Big F**king Deal" Over Open Microphone at ObamaCare Signing Ceremony (WARNING: FOUL LANGUAGE)

Associated article: Washington Examiner
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ObamaCare Health Insurance Won't Cover Removal of Government Bureaucrats

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

House Democratic Whip Joins Confuse a Cat

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Analysts Predict Steep Rise in Zombie Menace Under Democratic Policies

Washington, D.C.--Analysts studying the government-run health care bill and other legislation signed into law by President Obama are predicting steep increases in the "zombie menace."

The forecasters said that while isolated zombie breakouts are usually caused by viruses or hazardous materials that emit radiation, a more widespread zombie contagion will likely be created by a series of "moral hazards," which economists define as occurring when peolpe are insulated from risks, and exercise less personal responsibility as a result.

"The ObamaCare legislation prohibits individuals from being able to pay for insurance that reflects their own lifestyle. It also requires people to pay for the risks others choose to impose on themselves," said one analyst. "And ObamaCare requires employers to let slacker children stay on their parents' health care plans until they're 26 years old."

The result will be dramatically increasing numbers of people who act irresponsibly knowing the government, using other people's money, will bail them out.

Possible antidotes to the zombie menace include several Republican-supported provisions that empower individuals -- such as tax credits and the power to buy insurance across state lines -- but those alternatives were rejected by Democrats as contrary to their agenda of spreading dependency on government.

"If policies that empower individuals are off the table," said one forecaster, "a good Plan B is to defend yourself against the approaching zombie hordes with blunt instruments, such as baseball bats and common garden tools."

Associated articles: George Will; Investor's Business Daily; New York Post; Mercatus Center

Monday, March 22, 2010

Passage of Unpopular Government-Run Health Care Bill Traced Back to Really Bad Social Studies Teacher

Gladstone, Michigan--The House passed an unpopular bill to create a government-run health care system thanks to the deciding votes cast by a handful of Democrats led by Bart Stupak of Michigan, who had opposed a provision of the law that allowed federal taxpayer money to be used to fund abortions. Rep. Stupak ultimately agreed to support the legislation, giving it a bare majority, after President Obama agreed to sign an executive order he said would trump the text of the statute passed by the House and Senate.

But of course, an order signed by the president cannot override the text of a statute, as most high school students should know.

Subsequent investigations traced the passage of the Democrat's government-run health care program to Henry Stanton, a "really, really bad" social studies teacher at Gladstone High School, Stupak's alma mater.

"Okay, I would sometimes make stuff up," said Mr. Stanton when reached for comment. "Look, my dream was to make balloon animals for a living. My heart wasn't really in the American government thing."

"I can see where Bart got the whole executive order idea," said one former classmate. "Mr. Stanton would often write students notes letting them attend pot parties in violation of school rules."

Associated article: Daily Caller

Smoker President Signs Government-Run Health Care Bill to be Administered by Tax Cheat and Former Top Trial Lawyer Lobbyist

Washington, D.C.--President Obama assured the American people that the country was "in the very best of hands" now that Congress passed a trillion dollar government-run health care plan.

At a historic bill signing ceremony, President Obama, a smoker, was flanked by his tax cheating Treasury Secretary and a former top Kansas personal injury lawyer lobbyist who is now Secretary of Health and Human Services.

"This legislation only begins to raise the taxes necessary to pay for this massive government program," said Obama between puffs, "but I'm confident my Treasury Secretary will vigorously enforce the tax laws he once avoided, and that my Health and Human Services Secretary, joined by her former trial lawyer colleagues, will sue the tar out of anyone who violates any of the thousands of additional regulations this legislation creates."

Administration officials emphasized that the nation's health care would now be administered by a smoker, a tax cheat, and a trial lawyer, asking rhetorically "What could go wrong?"

Related articles: Wall Street Journal; Senatus

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

General McChrystal Demotes Attorney General to Private

Associated articles: Washington Post; Washington Examiner

Obama Says Lawyers and Union Workers Stand Ready to Fill Health Care Gap Left by Doctors Who Leave Medicine Over ObamaCare

Washington, D.C.--Following a survey finding that if the Democrats' government-run health care legislation passes, about one-third of the physician workforce would either quit medicine or retire early, President Obama expressed "complete confidence" in the ability of "America's trial lawyers and union workers to fill the health care gap left by doctors expected to leave the practice of medicine."

Associated materials: Investor's Business Daily; Wall Street Journal; Medicus; Retiring Doctor; Washington Post; Reuters; AEI; ABC News; Forbes

Obama's Dr. Evil Impersonation

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Saturday, March 13, 2010

Friday, March 12, 2010

Obama Appears on Food Network to Cook His Special "Federal Accounting Book" Recipe

Washington, D.C.--President Obama appeared on the Food Network yesterday to cook his "special recipe" consisting of budget tables, federal budget books, and "loads of cash," all flame-sauteed over a giant burner.

"We read about the President's health care bill, and his fondness for cooking the books," said a Food Network spokesperson. "We figured he'd be a perfect addition to our lineup."

Obama, whose health care plan became famous for its double-counting the same federal dollars toward reducing the deficit and paying for benefits, was thrilled by the invitation.

"My recipe builds on one used by notorious Ponzi-schemer Bernie Madoff," said Obama. "But mine has a lot more kick to it."

Associated article: National Review

Thursday, March 11, 2010

With Polls Overwhelmingly Against Them, Democrats Invoke "Louise Slaughter Rule"

Washington, D.C.--With polls showing the American people strongly opposed to the Democrats' plan for government-run health care, House Rules Committee chairwoman Louise Slaughter invoked the "Slaughter Rule."

But whereas the "slaughter rule" in sports allows a team facing an opponent with an overwhelming lead to bring an early end to the game by conceding defeat, the "Slaughter Rule" in politics would allow the House to pass unpopular legislation by passing a new "rule" that would "deem" the legislation passed.

Rep. Slaughter defended the rule, saying it was necessary because "The politics of health care, like baseball, doesn't have a game clock that would otherwise put a merciful end to Democrats' agony."

Associated article: CongressDaily

Red Tape Production Soars as Government Jobs Outpace Goods-Producing Jobs for First Time Ever

Associated article: Clusterstock

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

State Legislators Propose Presidential Word Limit Amendment

After President Obama delivered over forty major speeches in support of his unpopular health care plan that would require states to spend billions of dollars they don't have, state legislators around the country gathered together to ask Congress to pass a presidential word limit amendment.

"The Constitution includes a presidential term limit amendment," said one legislator. "It's time to limit not only the terms the president serves, but also the terms the president utters."

Associated article: CBS News

New Obama Image Strategy Calls for More Dramatic Speaking Backdrops

Associated article: Washington Post

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Speaker Pelosi Announces Meaning of Health Care Bill Can Only Be Discerned After She Inhales Prophetic Vapors at Bill Passage Ceremony

Oracle at D.C.--In a prepared speech to the National Association of Counties, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said "we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what is in it."

Pelosi elaborated on her comments later that afternoon, saying "The fact is no one can really know what's in the legislation until I utter the inspired wisdom of the gods. And that occurs when I inhale the mystic vapors that emanate from the well of the House upon the bill's enactment."

Associated speech: Nancy Pelosi

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Debt Trek: The Next Generation

Associated articles: Associated Press; Fortune Magazine; USA Today

Passage of Radical Health Care Bill Hinges on Democrat's Gay Sex References and Nude Shower Encounter with "Son of Devil's Spawn"

Washington, D.C.--President Obama assured the American people that it was "no big deal" that passage of a radical and deeply unpopular health care bill that would forever limit patients' medical options could result from an ethics charge involving gay sex comments made by a Democrat of ambiguous sexual orientation who verbally sparred with the White House Chief of Staff -- whom he called "son of the devil's spawn" -- when they were both nude in the Congressional gym.

A calm and relaxed Obama told gathered reporters "It's all part of the normal legislative process," adding that "Some of the most important pieces of legislation ever passed by Congress resulted from potentially alcohol-induced references to gay sex and naked shower roughhousing."

Administration sources pointed to the landmark Social Security Act, which they said became law only when "a single House Member was expelled from Congress after drinking a half bottle of Scotch and joking about passing wind with a colleague in a Congressional bathroom."

"Enactment of a vastly unpopular life-altering bureaucracy may depend on the fate of a sexually ambiguous sexual harasser and satanic name-caller who was involved in a naked shower spat with the White House chief of staff," said Obama. "But in the end what the American people care about are results."

Associated articles: The Hill; Breitbart

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

President Obama Seeks Reconciliation from Senate, Divorce from American People

Associated articles: MSNBC; National Review

President Delivers Yet Another ObamaCare Speech Surrounded by Doctors in Lab Coats

Associated article: Business Insider

Fallout 3 "ObamaCare" Expansion Pack Features a Post-"Nuclear Option" World Filled with Mutants Created by Government-Run Health Care

Bethesda, Maryland--The creators of the popular "Fallout 3" video game announced the release of a new "ObamaCare" expansion pack set in a world destroyed by government-run health care after Congress triggered the "nuclear option" and rammed through President Obama's health care plan in violation of Senate rules.

The game creators said the expansion pack will feature a variety of mutants roaming hospital halls, the product of centrally-controlled health care gone awry.

"We wanted to create a realistic experience for the player," said the game's artistic director, "complete with zombies enraged by long waits for medical services and the delivery of sub-par health care, doctors driven mad by increased paperwork and frivolous lawsuits, and senior citizens angered by cuts in Medicare."

The expansion pack will also feature a new villain: the "health choice" czar, who "rules the health care system with an iron fist."

Associated articles: ABC News; Wall Street Journal; Washington Times

Monday, March 1, 2010

Al Gore Joins New Weather Underground

Al Gore's latest book, called "Our Choice," depicts on its cover an image of an earth ravaged by hurricanes resulting from human-caused global warming, as does the movie poster for his film "An Inconvenient Truth."

But such images are being called "misleading" now that the latest research shows the rise in hurricane frequency since 1995 was just part of a natural cycle going back a century, and that the most likely impact of any global warming will be to decrease the frequency of tropical storms.

Following the announcement of that research by the lead scientist at the National Hurricane Center and an MIT meteorology professor, Mr. Gore announced he was joining a radical new group committed to instituting a dictatorship of the scientifically-challenged by organizing outside the peer-review process and "breaking the chains of the scientific method."

"We are the new Weather Underground," said Gore, referring to an earlier protest organization whose foundational document was titled "You Don't Need a Weatherman to Know Which Way the Wind Blows." The foundational document of Gore's new group is similarly titled "You Don't Need Climate Science to Know the Size of Our Egos."

Associated articles: Weekly Standard; Times of London

President Obama Speaks to Republican Senate Leaders About Ramming His Health Care Bill Through Congress

Video also available on YouTube
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