Democrats Overwhelmingly Renew PATRIOT Act with No Changes So They Can Complain About It Another Year

Associated article: Washington Post

Obama Seeks to Insure the Unsure Along with the Uninsured

Washington, D.C.--Recognizing that the vast majority of Americans like their current health insurance and are worried a government-run health insurance program would throw their coverage and health care choices into uncertainty, President Obama today vowed to press for federal legislation to "cover the unsure as well as the uninsured."

"I realize that many are concerned about the unknown consequences of a government takeover of health care," said Obama. "Consequently, I am proposing today that federal taxpayer dollars be committed to insuring the unsure in the event my proposals make them worse off."

Administration officials said that under the President's plan, "No longer will anyone have to worry about the adverse consequences of expansive government, since those risks will be backed by the taxpayer." They also stressed that once Congress passes an unsure insurance program, "it would clear the way for passage of many other economic experiments."

When asked about the huge costs of such an unsure insurance program, Administration officials said the proposal would be costless "because the proposed legislation would make uncertainty illegal."

Desperate to Advance His Agenda, Obama Adds Bacon to Widely Unpopular Health Care Bill

Washington, D.C.--Desperate to advance his government-run health care agenda, President Obama announced he would add bacon to the widely unpopular Senate health care bill. Obama made the announcement at a "bipartisan summit" with Congressional leaders."

"We listened to the President repeat his favorite talking points for several hours, well past lunch time," said one Republican who attended. "Then he sprang his Plan B on us. It was bacon."

Administration officials defended the surprise announcement, saying "People are mixing bacon with everything from ice cream to coffee to cereal. We weren't blindsiding anyone with gimmicks."

Some Republicans said they were annoyed by Obama's tactic of responding to every tough question posed to him at the summit by yelling "Bacon!" But a White House spokesperson said "The summit wasn't about what Republicans or Democrats want. It was about what the American people want."

Associated article: Daily Beast

Dust Mites, Obama TV Appearances Top List of Most Common Household Nuisances

Scientists Abandon Effort to Find a Grand Unified Theory of Health Care Bill Backroom Deals

Washington, D.C.--Scientists announed they have finally abandoned attempts to discover a unified theory of the federal health care legislation, saying they've concluded "it's impossible to make any coherent sense of it."

The scientists pointed to provisions that exempted Nebraskans from additional taxes, gave special protections to union health care plans, exempted Michigan's Blue Cross Blue Shield from taxes on insurers, and granted an extra $300 million to Louisiana for Medicaid, an extra $500 million to Massachusetts, and an extra $600 million to Vermont.

"This legislation appears to follow no principles of consistency or internal logic," said one scientist. "It's probably best analyzed under chaos theory."

Associated article: Politico

House Honors First Black President by Passing Legislation Creating a Race-Based Government in His Home State of Hawaii

Associated articles: National Review; Wikipedia; National Review 2; Wall Street Journal

Historians Discover Lost Letter from James Madison to Thomas Jefferson (click image to enlarge)

Obama Unveils His Future Vision of Better Health Insurance Through Price Controls

Associated article: CATO Institute

Al-Qaeda Says Five-Year Torture of Innocent Bush Administration Lawyers "Proves America is the Great Satan"

In a newly-released video, members of al-Qaeda say the five-year torture of innocent Bush Administration lawyers "proves America is the Great Satan."

The al-Qaeda members refer to a final report by a Justice Department career official who reviewed the Bush Administration lawyers' memoranda concluding that enhanced interrogation techniques used against al-Qaeda members were legal. Following a five-year investigation, the career official concluded the Bush lawyers did not violate any standards of professional conduct, contradicting the conclusions of an earlier Justice Department report the official criticized as shifting its rationales in results-oriented ways, ignoring proper procedure, and twisting legal standards.

Osama bin Laden appears in the video, saying "First the accusers said the Bush lawyers violated the federal anti-torture statute. Then they said the lawyers should be disciplined by their state bar associations. Now it turns out the lawyers didn't commit any professional misconduct or violate any Justice Department policies. The drip, drip, drip of the threats these investigations posed to innocent lawyers over five years were spearheaded by proteges of Attorney General Eric Holder and leaked to the press in vile attempts to smear the lawyers' reputations. Those grave injustices represent the evil that is the American system of politicized prosecution."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Administration Announces 5-Year Speech Production Goals

Washington, D.C.--The Obama Administration announced the launch of a "5-Year speech production plan" designed to regulate discussions according to universal principles of "productive talk."

Mark Lloyd, the Federal Communications Commission's associate general counsel and "diversity czar" who wrote in 2007 on the need to close "the gap between conservative and progressive talk radio" and praised the "incredible democratic revolution" of a Venezuelan dictator, said the plan calls for boosting "good speech product" in the U.S.

The plan also calls for the U.S. to conform to a United Nations Human Rights Council resolution -- drafted by countries with stellar free speech records like China, Cuba, and Saudi Arabia -- that calls on nations to criminalize speech certain religious and racial groups deem offensive.

Such prohibitions would trump the Constitution's First Amendment, according to the State Department's top lawyer, Harold Koh, who wrote in 2003 that the American "exceptional free-speech tradition can cause problems abroad," and called on the U.S. Supreme Court to "moderate these conflicts by applying more consistently the transnational approach to judicial interpretation" that he advocates.

Koh said the goal of reaching these speech targets within five years is ambitious, but added "Either we do it, or the forces of robust debate may crush us over the long term."

Associated article: National Journal; associated video: Brietbart

Apologies We'd Like to See

Also available on YouTube

Activists Gather to Approve New Term for "Climate Change"

Boulder, Colorado--After anti-industrialization activists abandoned the term "global warming" in the face of ambiguous scientific evidence questioning their apocalyptic theory, they turned to the term "climate change."

But as people have come to realize aberrational weather events have always accompanied climate trends, the same activists convened in Boulder, Colorado, to discuss possible alternative terms.

Panelists considered a gamut of options ranging from "air happenings" to "Aaaaaiiieeee!" Others suggested the movement stick with "climate change," but insist it be uttered in a low, booming voice signifying impending doom.

One participant in the deliberations said he preferred "Global warning! Global warning, Will Robinson!" and another suggested the phrase "totally warming" would appeal to the younger generation.

Associated article: Fox News

Obama Creates Commission to Study Nation's Budget Problems; Appoints Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus to Serve as Chair and Co-Chair

Associated articles: Washington Post; National Review

John Brennan Dramatic Look

Associated article: Investor's Business Daily

Green-Friendly Rescue Subs Called in As Green-Friendly Ice Machines Yield Slush and Unprecedented Olympics Delays

Associated article: USA Today

Democrats Decry "Smartisanship"

Washington, D.C.--Democrats in Congress decried the "smartisanship" of the American people as an obstacle to "real progress" in expanding government control over everyday decisions.

"When individual citizens express their own informed judgment regarding how their own resources should be spent, it makes it impossible for elitist representatives to impose their own will on the larger society," said one frustrated Democratic Congressman.

"It's time for smart voters to agree to compromise their sound limited government views and give up some of their freedoms in the name of advancing a Democratic legislative agenda," said another.

White House officials echoed those sentiments, saying "The American people should meet us at least half way down the road to serfdom."

Joe's Plumbing Service Finds Loads of Unpleasantness in White House Communications Office

Washington, D.C.--In 2008, candidate Barack Obama promised "Joe the Plumber" that a President Obama would not raise taxes on households making less than $250,ooo a year.

But just over a year into the Obama Presidency, Joe's Plumbing service found that the White House communications office is "full of poo poo" after President Obama said he was "agnostic" on whether that promise should be kept.

Associated articles: New York Post; Business Week; associated video: Obama campaign promise

Obama Proposes Extending Public Kindergarten Programs Through Age 97

Washington, D.C.--After supporting government-run health care, government-backed mortgages, the transformation of banks into public utilities, the abrogation of auto industry contracts, limits on political speech by associations, and government monopolies on education, President Obama announced yesterday that he was supporting "extending public kindergarten through age 97."

Administration officials said this new initiative is "the logical extension of past proposals to treat people like children who need higher authorities to direct them in their health care, housing, banking, auto, speech, and education decisions."

"It's only fair that the American people receive the guidance they need from the federal government regardless of their age," said Obama. "Our citizens also deserve the right to regularly scheduled nap times."

A White House spokesperson confirmed the program will include the provision of "organic, low-fat cookies."

Associated article: George Will

Captain America vs. Cap and Trade (click on image to enlarge)

Associated articles: Daily Mail; London Times

Corrections Page

Associated articles: Daily Mail; George Will; The Guardian; Daily Telegraph

ObamaTV: Deficits Graph

Don Quixote To Head Obama Green Jobs Program After Stimulus Money to Wind Power Produces Drop in U.S. Wind Manufacturing Jobs

Associated articles: ABC News; Washington Post; Pajamas Media; Wall Street Journal; Washington Times; Oakland Tribune; NBC

Obama Audio-Animatronics Robot Meets with Republican Members of Congress at Health Care Forum

Washington, D.C.--After President Obama offered to hold a forum on health care legislation with Republicans, but refused to budge from his government-run plan, the Walt Disney Company agreed to loan their audio-animatronic Obama robot to regurgitate yet again the President's standard presentation in favor of the deeply unpopular proposal.

Associated articles: Letter from Republican Leaders; White House Blog

Sham Theory Commercial

Associated articles: Washington Examiner (global warming decreases snowstorms); TIME Magazine (global warming increases snowstorms)

Kids Time -- Ernie Teaches Cookie Monster About Hope and Political Campaigns

Al-Qaeda Leaders Charge Obama Critics with "Serving the Goals of Infidel Beasts by Distracting Them from Their March to Slaughter"

On Sunday, White House counter-terrorism chief John Brennan charged that critics who question the Obama administration's decision to grant Miranda rights to terrorists are "serving the goals of al-Qaeda."

Shortly thereafter, al-Qaeda leaders piled on, charging that critics of the Obama administration's weak national security policies are "serving the goals of infidel beasts by distracting them from their march to slaughter."

Associated article: Washington Examiner

It's Not Easy Being Green

(Video also available on YouTube if video below doesn't work: YouTube)

Reactions to Passage of Record-High Federal Debt Limit

(Video also available on YouTube at this link if video below doesn't work: YouTube)

Obama Announces National Snooze Button Policy

Washington, D.C.--As part of his continuing campaign to involve the federal government in all aspects of life, President Obama announced a new national snooze button policy designed to boost employment and "help people make the most of their day."

"Now I know many of you enjoy that special period of time right after your alarm goes off, but before you absolutely have to get out of bed," said Obama, "and we all want to stretch out that time as much as we can. But it's our collective responsibility to set snooze button standards that are fair to all of us."

Administration officials said too many people were avoiding taxable activity "at the touch of a button," and that it was the role of the federal government to "spread the snooze around."

"Let me be clear," said Obama. "I'm not proposing the snooze button be eliminated. But I am insisting that no one have a monopoly on slumber decisions."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Terrorist Interrogations Handed Over to Oprah Winfrey

Chicago, Illinois--Since officials at the Justice Department decided to interrogate a captured terrorist for less than an hour before giving him the right to remain silent following his attempt to blow up an airliner on Christmas Day, the Obama Administration has decided to turn over terrorist interrogations to Oprah Winfrey.

"Oprah's just-less-than-an-hour interview format is the right fit going forward," said one Administration official. "Plus, Oprah has just about as much expertise on al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula as the FBI officials who questioned the Christmas bomber."

Associated articles: Washington Post; National Journal; Wall Street Journal

Obama Says “You Don’t Blow a Bunch of Cash in Vegas, You Blow a Bunch of Taxes in Washington, D.C.”

Associated video: Las Vegas Mayor
Associated article: Las Vegas Now

C-Span Video: Record-Breaking Federal Budget Arrives on Capitol Hill

(Video also on YouTube if video below doesn't work.)

T-Shirt Design -- Che Viva Cluelessness

Associated article: Big Government

Obama Economic Advisers Found in Jungle Cave Thinking World War II Not Ended

Mindoro, Philippines--President Obama's team of economic advisers, including Office of Management and Budget Director Peter Orszag, were discovered in the Philippines after search teams pieced together clues from a record-breaking budget plan they left behind.

The advisers were found huddled deep inside a jungle cave believing World War II had not yet ended.

"We've known Obama's economic team has been missing in action for a long time," said one Administration official. "But we were at a loss as to their location until we discovered their plan for massive federal deficits even larger than those seen in World War II, when measured as a percentage of the economy. That's when we began looking for them in remote island caverns.

When reached for comment, Lt. Hiroo Onoda -- one of the last previously known World War II holdouts discovered hiding on Lubang Island in 1974 -- said "I'm glad they found them, but if I were you I'd leave their budget back in the cave."

Associated article: Reuters; National Review; The Hill

Democrats Announce Bold Plan to Get Debt Limit to Neptune by 2016

Washington, D.C.--Since President Obama came into office, he and a Democrat-controlled Congress increased the public debt by $3 trillion in one year, which is as much as the previous administration increased it in eight years.

At that rate, the debt can be expected to grow $24 trillion by 2016, which Democrats proudly announced "should get us to Neptune -- 2.5 billion miles away -- if the $24 trillion is placed end-to-end."

Democratic leaders said the nation should be proud to be "on track to reach the furthest reaches of our solar system" powered solely by "federal planning, taxpayer money, and government printing presses."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Washington Post; Associated Press; Wall Street Journal 1