Friday, January 29, 2010
Osama bin Laden To Use Clean Fuels for Bombs to Eliminate Industrialized Populations, Global Warming
"We're developing a new line of bombs based on natural gas and working to ensure our poison powders and liquids are safe for non-human animals," said an al-Qaeda spokesperson.
The green movement hailed bin Laden's new approach to terrorism as "a welcome cleaner way to destroy industrialized economies."
Associated article: Fox News
A confidant Obama asked the assembled Justices "What's the point of being President if I have to answer to a Congress following the will of a bunch of other folks I have no control over? That's not the way to get things done for the American people."
The President said Article I of the Constitution created the Congress, Article II created the Presidency, and Article III created the Supreme Court. "Where's the article creating all these rabble-rousers?"
Associated materials: Thomas Sowell on Intellectuals and Society; National Review
Thursday, January 28, 2010
"The President has decided to challenge the entire American electorate to a year-long rap battle," said Administration officials shortly before the President began his remarks. "He's doubling down on his over-the-top agenda that's being dissed by the American people. So at the last minute the President decided the rap battle format made the most sense."
Obama's rhetorical change of tack was apparent as soon as he began the address. "The state of the union between myself and ever-lovin' bang-tastic sweetness is 100 frickin' percent total seamless overlap," he said.
"You want to slow down, I want to throw down, dogs" rapped the Pres. "You say it's too much to do, I say ram it through."
The sing-song back-and-forth went on for just under an hour, with the President only occasionally looking over his sunglasses.
"I'm a populist pugilist, so sit back and you'll get the gist. It's my agenda, ain't no pretenda. Surrenda to da big spenda!"
Associated video: YouTube; associated article: Associated Press
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Most Polarizing President Ever Joins Forces with Magneto to Reverse the Polarity of Earth’s Magnetic Field and America's Alignment
Now comes news that Obama plans to join forces with super-mutant Magneto to reverse the polarity of the Earth's magnetic field and the center-right alignment of the American electorate, throwing the country's economy into chaos.
Magneto told reporters, "My powerful magnetism, combined with the President's even more powerfully polarizing egotism, are unstoppable." Then he laughed maniacally.
At press time, MSNBC is reporting the X-Men may try to thwart Magneto's scheme by teaming up with another band of "super-mutants" called the Tea Party Patriots.
Associated articles: Gallup Poll; Gallup Poll 2; Gallup Poll 3; The Hill; Washington Post
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Washington, D.C.--It's been reported that FBI agents questioned the Christmas bomber Abdulmutallab for less than an hour before he was granted his right to remain silent and provided with a lawyer, after which Abdulmutallab stopped talking and provided no more intelligence information that could be used to thwart future terrorist attacks. The White House hasn't disputed those reports, but it also hasn't been forthcoming with additional information regarding the context of Abdulmutallab's super-short questioning, which would make it the fastest ever recorded. Consequently, the Op-Toons Review is providing this simulation of the Obama Justice Department's record-breaking terrorist interrogation:
Monday, January 25, 2010
One independent scientist who decided to look up the original source for the claim became suspicious when it was attributed to "Bat Boy," a half-human, half bat creature popularized by the now defunct Weekly World News.
IPCC scientists defended the error, saying "Bat Boy has huge, penetrating eyes, and he seemed to be shrieking his global warming predictions with eerie certainty. Or at least it appeared that way in the scandal rag we found waiting in a grocery checkout line."
Associated articles: The Atlantic; Technology Review; Times of London; Times of London 2; Wall Street Journal; London Telegraph; Institute of Physics; AFP; Washington Times; UK Guardian
Sunday, January 24, 2010
"The President's used these same teleprompters to sneeze, and even burp," said a White House spokesperson. "They're usually very reliable."
The White House audio-visual department blamed the mishap on "the anger resulting from the last eight years" and "Republican obstructionism."
Administration technicians are reportedly developing a backup plan in the event of future teleprompter malfunctions that involves a series of suspended mirrors and sticking yellow Post-it notes on the President's forehead.
Associated video: Mediaite; associated photo: National Review
Friday, January 22, 2010
Democrats Shocked That Supreme Court Would Rule That Groups of Individuals As Well As Individuals Have Free Speech Rights
In response to the Supreme Court's decision, Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) introduced a constitutional amendment that would strike from the nation's founding charter the term "persons" and other plural references to people.
"While it's perfectly appropriate for Members of Congress like me to be able to collect corporate contributions and use the money to air political ads in favor of our positions," said Grayson, "it's a perversion of the political process to allow individuals to combine their own financial resources and do the same."
Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal 2; George Will; Wall Street Journal 3; Wall Street Journal 4
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Bill Murray from "Groundhog Day" Reports on "Unexpected" Rise in Unemployment Following Many Previous "Unexpected" Rises
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
"We thought Republican Senator Scott Brown's decisive election in Massachusetts -- after he made the defeat of ObamaCare the centerpiece of his campaign -- had averted that threat," said one Blue Dog. "But now it's looking like House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid may still be hiding explosive legislative proposals in their pants."
Blue Dogs demanded an immediate investigation into how far the political suicide plot had developed.
"This is one of the greatest threats to our party in years," said one House Member. "Whether this plot is being driven by the far-left base of our party, our party leaders, or the President himself, we need to stop it!"
Associated articles: Daily Caller; ABC News
After Failed Bid to Elect Democratic Senator in Massachusetts, Obama Asked to Campaign on Behalf of Smoking in Hopes of Making It Much Less Popular
"The President has a knack for supporting policies that drive people away in droves," said one anti-smoking advocate. "We think it would be wonderful if he turned that talent to smoking."
Obama, himself a smoker, was urged to embrace smoking more publicly in the hopes of "negating the allure of the noxious habit."
Sample ads for the new campaign feature a smoking "Joe Bama" character -- modeled on the infamous "Joe Camel" cigarette advertisements -- and a warning label stating "Use of President Obama to Promote Your Product May Prove Hazardous to Your Product's Popularity."
Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Daily Beast
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Nevertheless, following the attack, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced "the system worked."
Administration officials said they planned on questioning other suspected terrorists "when the plane they're on reaches the ground."
Associated articles: Los Angeles Times; ABC News
Obama Administration Announces Plans to "Permanently Eradicate the Scourge of Personal Responsibility"
Washington, D.C.--After the Treasury Department lifted the cap on potential losses for government-run mortgage lenders on Christmas Eve, and pledged potentially infinite taxpayer dollars to pay for the mistakes of others who agreed to government-backed mortgages they couldn't afford, the Department of Health and Human Services announced it planned to "eradicate personal responsibility forever" by producing a vaccine to permanently "suppress the desire for self-improvement and pave the way for an all-encompassing dependence on the national government."
Associated article: Wall Street Journal
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Under the new legislation, low- to middle-income married couples would have to pay between 68 percent and 164 percent more for their subsidized health insurance coverage than unmarried couples, but union members would be entirely exempt from any health care plan surtax.
"Let me be clear," said Obama during remarks to the press. "If you are gay or lesbian, I support civil unions for you. If you are in a labor union, I support tax exemptions for you. But if you're a heterosexual and part of a marriage union between a man and a woman, you need to start following through on that marriage vow and become poorer so others can get richer."
Associated articles: Washington Times; New York Post; Washington Post
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Obama Administration to Use National Security Agencies to Search Elderly Blue-Haired Women at Airports, Polar Bears in Arctic
Pointing to the need to avoid any appearance of "profiling" those who might be most likely to commit terrorist acts, Obama administration officials said "In our efforts to find terrorists, we're committed to applying a strict, equal treatment standard, and that includes polar bears, penguins, and seals of all colors."
Associated articles: Washington Times 1; Washington Times 2
"Independent Expert" Cited Repeatedly by White House to Support Health Care Legislation is on WH Payroll to Tune of $400,000
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Now that the Obama Administion's program to create transportation jobs has failed entirely to produce what Obama once said was needed to address an "urgent need to accelerate job growth," one construction industry official said "It's come time to finally bury those programs in one of the biggest excavation sites the world has ever seen."
Associated article: Associated Press
Monday, January 11, 2010
Democratic Senate Leader Harry Reid Introduces Resolution Celebrating Diversity in Sensitivity Standards
"The failure of any leaders of the Democratic party to call for my censure, let alone my resignation, for my remarks has renewed my faith in double standards in the application of sensitivity rules," said an emotional Reid. "It has spurred me to introduce this congressional resolution celebrating diversity in sensitivity standards."
A spokesperson for Senator Reid told reporters that if anyone other than a liberal Democrat had said anything remotely similar to what the Senator said, "they would have been pilloried," and that "Senator Reid is deeply honored to be a leader of a political party that reflects all the character flaws of the larger population, with rank hypocrisy being particularly strongly represented."
Associated article: Washington Post
Friday, January 8, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
"One giant dot will go by, and then another giant dot will go by," said one homeland security official. "They dress as entirely separate dots, which makes it really hard to connect them."
"Sometimes we get a break," said another Administration official, "like when there's a small child going through the security line. Kids will often pull out magic markers or crayons and start drawing a line between the dots."
The American Civil Liberties Union and other "civil rights" groups applauded the Administration's anti-terrorism strategy, saying "The Obama Administration is doing the right thing by protecting dots from unfair discrimination."
Associated articles: New York Times; Weekly Standard; Senate Report; Weekly Standard; CNN
Obama Breaks Pledge to Broadcast Health Bill Negotiations; Airs Them on Viewerless MSNBC Where Chris Matthews Talks Over Them
Obama Administration Says Key to Stopping Terrorism is Negotiating with Terrorists by Offering Lighter Sentences
When asked whether offering plea agreements violated a longstanding policy against negotiating with terrorists, homeland security officials insisted this Administration "absolutely does not negotiate with terrorists."
The officials said the Administration does provide terrorists with rights they don't deserve, allows them to exploit those rights to withhold all information, and then tries to solicit some smaller portion of the information by offering the terrorists lighter sentences. "But that's not negotiating with terrorists," the officials insisted. "It's caving to them."
Also during weekend interviews, Brennan denied the government had missed any "smoking gun" even though a known terrorist with explosives had managed to board a plane. When pressed, however, Brennan admitted the government did manage to miss "a pair of flaming skivvies."
Associated articles: Washington Post; Washington Examiner; Andrew McCarthy; Politico
Monday, January 4, 2010
- Osama bin Laden To Use Clean Fuels for Bombs to El...
- Obama Tells Supreme Court American Electorate Is U...
- Obama Appears in First Ever State of the Union Ad
- Doubling Down and Throwing Down on Radical Agenda,...
- Most Polarizing President Ever Joins Forces with M...
- Simulation of Christmas Bomber’s Record-Breaking I...
- Bat Boy Is Source of U.N. Panel's Report on Climat...
- Bo Escapes White House During Walk with Obama Afte...
- Democrats Shocked That Supreme Court Would Rule Th...
- America -- Duh Yeah!
- Bill Murray from "Groundhog Day" Reports on "Unexp...
- Kill the Bill Poster (Scott Brown ObamaCare Editio...
- Blue Dog Members Alarmed by Potential Political Su...
- After Failed Bid to Elect Democratic Senator in Ma...
- The Wizard of Obama
- Obama Administration Officials Prepare to Question...
- Obama Administration Announces Plans to "Permanent...
- Senate Democratic Candidate Calls Famed Red Sox Wo...
- Obama Supports Non-Marriage Unions
- Obama Administration to Use National Security Agen...
- "Independent Expert" Cited Repeatedly by White Hou...
- Following Calm, Reasoned, Non-Hostile Takeover, Jo...
- Following Latest Polls on Obama's Handling of Econ...
- Stimulus Bill Employment Program Claims Become Nat...
- Democratic Senate Leader Harry Reid Introduces Res...
- Field Test of Speaker Pelosi's Comments on the Tra...
- New "Priceless" Ad (Terrorist Edition)
- White House Spokesperson Says FBI Got "Usable, Act...
- Terrorists Evade Security Officials By Dressing as...
- Obama Breaks Pledge to Broadcast Health Bill Negot...
- Obama Administration Says Key to Stopping Terroris...
- Dubai Opens World's Tallest Building; U.S. Raises ...
- Obama Administration Disappointed by Latest Messag...
- Happy New Year!
- ▼ January (34)