Friday, January 29, 2010

Osama bin Laden To Use Clean Fuels for Bombs to Eliminate Industrialized Populations, Global Warming

After Osama bin Laden, in a new audio tape, called for destroying the American economy because it was chiefly responsible for human-caused global warming, the notorious 9/11 terrorist announced he would only use clean, green-friendly fuels for his weapons of mass destruction.

"We're developing a new line of bombs based on natural gas and working to ensure our poison powders and liquids are safe for non-human animals," said an al-Qaeda spokesperson.

The green movement hailed bin Laden's new approach to terrorism as "a welcome cleaner way to destroy industrialized economies."

Associated article: Fox News

Obama Tells Supreme Court American Electorate Is Unconstitutional

Washington, D.C.--Following a defiant State of the Union Address in which he refused to deviate from a radical agenda opposed by significant majorities of the American people, President Obama told the Supreme Court "voters are unconstitutional."

A confidant Obama asked the assembled Justices "What's the point of being President if I have to answer to a Congress following the will of a bunch of other folks I have no control over? That's not the way to get things done for the American people."

The President said Article I of the Constitution created the Congress, Article II created the Presidency, and Article III created the Supreme Court. "Where's the article creating all these rabble-rousers?"

Associated materials: Thomas Sowell on Intellectuals and Society; National Review

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Obama Appears in First Ever State of the Union Ad

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Doubling Down and Throwing Down on Radical Agenda, Obama Challenges Voters to Year-Long Rap Battle

Washington, D.C.--President Obama delivered what appeared to be the most aggressive State of the Union Address to Congress last night in an effort to revive his flagging policy priorities.

"The President has decided to challenge the entire American electorate to a year-long rap battle," said Administration officials shortly before the President began his remarks. "He's doubling down on his over-the-top agenda that's being dissed by the American people. So at the last minute the President decided the rap battle format made the most sense."

Obama's rhetorical change of tack was apparent as soon as he began the address. "The state of the union between myself and ever-lovin' bang-tastic sweetness is 100 frickin' percent total seamless overlap," he said.

"You want to slow down, I want to throw down, dogs" rapped the Pres. "You say it's too much to do, I say ram it through."

The sing-song back-and-forth went on for just under an hour, with the President only occasionally looking over his sunglasses.

"I'm a populist pugilist, so sit back and you'll get the gist. It's my agenda, ain't no pretenda. Surrenda to da big spenda!"

Associated video: YouTube; associated article: Associated Press

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Most Polarizing President Ever Joins Forces with Magneto to Reverse the Polarity of Earth’s Magnetic Field and America's Alignment

Washington, D.C.--According to the Gallup polling company, the 65 percentage-point gap between Democrats' and Republicans' average job approval rating for President Obama makes him by far the most polarizing President ever during his first year in office.

Now comes news that Obama plans to join forces with super-mutant Magneto to reverse the polarity of the Earth's magnetic field and the center-right alignment of the American electorate, throwing the country's economy into chaos.

Magneto told reporters, "My powerful magnetism, combined with the President's even more powerfully polarizing egotism, are unstoppable." Then he laughed maniacally.

At press time, MSNBC is reporting the X-Men may try to thwart Magneto's scheme by teaming up with another band of "super-mutants" called the Tea Party Patriots.

Associated articles: Gallup Poll; Gallup Poll 2; Gallup Poll 3; The Hill; Washington Post

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Simulation of Christmas Bomber’s Record-Breaking Interrogation

Washington, D.C.--It's been reported that FBI agents questioned the Christmas bomber Abdulmutallab for less than an hour before he was granted his right to remain silent and provided with a lawyer, after which Abdulmutallab stopped talking and provided no more intelligence information that could be used to thwart future terrorist attacks. The White House hasn't disputed those reports, but it also hasn't been forthcoming with additional information regarding the context of Abdulmutallab's super-short questioning, which would make it the fastest ever recorded. Consequently, the Op-Toons Review is providing this simulation of the Obama Justice Department's record-breaking terrorist interrogation:

video

Associated articles: Krauthammer; Wall Street Journal

Monday, January 25, 2010

Bat Boy Is Source of U.N. Panel's Report on Climate Change

The United Nations' Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) recently admitted that the most alarming conclusion in its 2007 report -- the claim that the Himalayan glaciers would be melted 25 years from now -- was wrong, and that it was based on unsubstantiated news reports instead of peer-reviewed scientific studies.

One independent scientist who decided to look up the original source for the claim became suspicious when it was attributed to "Bat Boy," a half-human, half bat creature popularized by the now defunct Weekly World News.

IPCC scientists defended the error, saying "Bat Boy has huge, penetrating eyes, and he seemed to be shrieking his global warming predictions with eerie certainty. Or at least it appeared that way in the scandal rag we found waiting in a grocery checkout line."

Associated articles: The Atlantic; Technology Review; Times of London; Times of London 2; Wall Street Journal; London Telegraph; Institute of Physics; AFP; Washington Times; UK Guardian

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Bo Escapes White House During Walk with Obama After Teleprompter Fails to Display "Bo Stop!"

Washington, D.C.--Bo, the Obama's pet dog, escaped the White House grounds during a walk with the President after a teleprompter failed to display the words "Bo stop!"

"The President's used these same teleprompters to sneeze, and even burp," said a White House spokesperson. "They're usually very reliable."

The White House audio-visual department blamed the mishap on "the anger resulting from the last eight years" and "Republican obstructionism."

Administration technicians are reportedly developing a backup plan in the event of future teleprompter malfunctions that involves a series of suspended mirrors and sticking yellow Post-it notes on the President's forehead.

Associated video: Mediaite; associated photo: National Review

Friday, January 22, 2010

Democrats Shocked That Supreme Court Would Rule That Groups of Individuals As Well As Individuals Have Free Speech Rights

Washington, D.C.--Just days after the Supreme Court held that corporations, nonprofit corporations, and unions could not be denied their free speech rights to engage in political advocacy during federal elections, Democrats responded angrily to the notion that "groups of individuals" as well as individuals have free speech rights.

In response to the Supreme Court's decision, Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) introduced a constitutional amendment that would strike from the nation's founding charter the term "persons" and other plural references to people.

"While it's perfectly appropriate for Members of Congress like me to be able to collect corporate contributions and use the money to air political ads in favor of our positions," said Grayson, "it's a perversion of the political process to allow individuals to combine their own financial resources and do the same."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal 2; George Will; Wall Street Journal 3; Wall Street Journal 4

America -- Duh Yeah!

Associated articles: USA Today; Washington Times; Washington Examiner; Wall Street Journal; Washington Post editorial

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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Blue Dog Members Alarmed by Potential Political Suicide Plot

Washington, D.C.--Conservative "Blue Dog" Democrats in the House and Senate became alarmed after full-body scans of Democratic leaders revealed a possible "political suicide" plot in the form of a rush to pass President Obama's disastrous health care legislation.

"We thought Republican Senator Scott Brown's decisive election in Massachusetts -- after he made the defeat of ObamaCare the centerpiece of his campaign -- had averted that threat," said one Blue Dog. "But now it's looking like House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid may still be hiding explosive legislative proposals in their pants."

Blue Dogs demanded an immediate investigation into how far the political suicide plot had developed.

"This is one of the greatest threats to our party in years," said one House Member. "Whether this plot is being driven by the far-left base of our party, our party leaders, or the President himself, we need to stop it!"

Associated articles: Daily Caller; ABC News

After Failed Bid to Elect Democratic Senator in Massachusetts, Obama Asked to Campaign on Behalf of Smoking in Hopes of Making It Much Less Popular

Washington, D.C.--Following his spectacularly failed attempts to win the Olympics for Chicago, a global warming treaty in Copenhagen, and a Democratic Senate seat in the overwhelmingly liberal state of Massachusetts -- where a Republican won overwhelmingly for the first time since the 1970's -- a group of anti-smoking advocacy groups asked President Obama to campaign on behalf of smoking in the hopes his association with the habit would dramatically reduce its popularity.

"The President has a knack for supporting policies that drive people away in droves," said one anti-smoking advocate. "We think it would be wonderful if he turned that talent to smoking."

Obama, himself a smoker, was urged to embrace smoking more publicly in the hopes of "negating the allure of the noxious habit."

Sample ads for the new campaign feature a smoking "Joe Bama" character -- modeled on the infamous "Joe Camel" cigarette advertisements -- and a warning label stating "Use of President Obama to Promote Your Product May Prove Hazardous to Your Product's Popularity."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Daily Beast

Monday, January 18, 2010

Obama Administration Officials Prepare to Question Airline Bombers After Landing

U.S. security officials knew that a person with terrorist links was aboard a plane traveling to Detroit on Christmas while it was airborne, but they failed to alert pilots and passengers on the plane, deciding instead to question the terrorist after the plane landed. As it turned out, the terrorist had explosives in his underwear, and the passengers survived his attack solely due to their own bravery and a malfunction in the bomb's detonation mechanism.

Nevertheless, following the attack, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced "the system worked."

Administration officials said they planned on questioning other suspected terrorists "when the plane they're on reaches the ground."

Associated articles: Los Angeles Times; ABC News

Obama Administration Announces Plans to "Permanently Eradicate the Scourge of Personal Responsibility"

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Washington, D.C.--After the Treasury Department lifted the cap on potential losses for government-run mortgage lenders on Christmas Eve, and pledged potentially infinite taxpayer dollars to pay for the mistakes of others who agreed to government-backed mortgages they couldn't afford, the Department of Health and Human Services announced it planned to "eradicate personal responsibility forever" by producing a vaccine to permanently "suppress the desire for self-improvement and pave the way for an all-encompassing dependence on the national government."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Friday, January 15, 2010

Obama Supports Non-Marriage Unions

Washington, D.C.--President Obama today announced his support for "non-marriage unions" in the form of health care legislation he endorsed that contains a marriage penalty for heterosexuals and special exemptions for union members.

Under the new legislation, low- to middle-income married couples would have to pay between 68 percent and 164 percent more for their subsidized health insurance coverage than unmarried couples, but union members would be entirely exempt from any health care plan surtax.

"Let me be clear," said Obama during remarks to the press. "If you are gay or lesbian, I support civil unions for you. If you are in a labor union, I support tax exemptions for you. But if you're a heterosexual and part of a marriage union between a man and a woman, you need to start following through on that marriage vow and become poorer so others can get richer."

Associated articles: Washington Times; New York Post; Washington Post

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Obama Administration to Use National Security Agencies to Search Elderly Blue-Haired Women at Airports, Polar Bears in Arctic

Washington, D.C.--Obama national security officials defended their decision to devote more intelligence resources to monitoring the purported effects of "global warming" instead of tracking terrorists, arguing that "We search blue-haired old ladies at airports, why not polar bears in the Arctic?"

Pointing to the need to avoid any appearance of "profiling" those who might be most likely to commit terrorist acts, Obama administration officials said "In our efforts to find terrorists, we're committed to applying a strict, equal treatment standard, and that includes polar bears, penguins, and seals of all colors."

Associated articles: Washington Times 1; Washington Times 2

"Independent Expert" Cited Repeatedly by White House to Support Health Care Legislation is on WH Payroll to Tune of $400,000

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal; Huffington Post

Following Calm, Reasoned, Non-Hostile Takeover, John Yoo Owns Daily Show with John Stewart

Associated video: Daily Show 1; Daily Show 2; Daily Show 3

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Following Latest Polls on Obama's Handling of Economy, Newsweek Revises Obama "44" Election Cover

Associated article: CNN

Stimulus Bill Employment Program Claims Become Nation's Largest "Shovel Ready" Project

Washington, D.C.--An independent analysis by the Associated Press concluded that, ten months into President Obama's first economic "stimulus" plan, a surge in spending on roads and bridges has had no effect on local unemployment and only barely helped the construction industry, making the Obama Administration's claims regarding the success of its programs in producing jobs the nation's largest "shovel ready" project.

Now that the Obama Administion's program to create transportation jobs has failed entirely to produce what Obama once said was needed to address an "urgent need to accelerate job growth," one construction industry official said "It's come time to finally bury those programs in one of the biggest excavation sites the world has ever seen."

Associated article: Associated Press

Monday, January 11, 2010

Democratic Senate Leader Harry Reid Introduces Resolution Celebrating Diversity in Sensitivity Standards

Washington, D.C.--After admitting to praising President Obama for being "light skinned" and having "no Negro dialect," Senate Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid escaped any calls for his stepping down from his leadership position by any prominent officials in his own party.

"The failure of any leaders of the Democratic party to call for my censure, let alone my resignation, for my remarks has renewed my faith in double standards in the application of sensitivity rules," said an emotional Reid. "It has spurred me to introduce this congressional resolution celebrating diversity in sensitivity standards."

A spokesperson for Senator Reid told reporters that if anyone other than a liberal Democrat had said anything remotely similar to what the Senator said, "they would have been pilloried," and that "Senator Reid is deeply honored to be a leader of a political party that reflects all the character flaws of the larger population, with rank hypocrisy being particularly strongly represented."

Associated article: Washington Post

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Terrorists Evade Security Officials By Dressing as Giant Dots

National security officials continue to be stymied by terrorists who are managing to evade security screenings by dressing as giant dots.

"One giant dot will go by, and then another giant dot will go by," said one homeland security official. "They dress as entirely separate dots, which makes it really hard to connect them."

"Sometimes we get a break," said another Administration official, "like when there's a small child going through the security line. Kids will often pull out magic markers or crayons and start drawing a line between the dots."

The American Civil Liberties Union and other "civil rights" groups applauded the Administration's anti-terrorism strategy, saying "The Obama Administration is doing the right thing by protecting dots from unfair discrimination."

Associated articles: New York Times; Weekly Standard; Senate Report; Weekly Standard; CNN

Obama Breaks Pledge to Broadcast Health Bill Negotiations; Airs Them on Viewerless MSNBC Where Chris Matthews Talks Over Them

Associated articles: Politifact; Fox News

Obama Administration Says Key to Stopping Terrorism is Negotiating with Terrorists by Offering Lighter Sentences

Washington, D.C.--After President Obama decided to treat the terrorist who almost brought down an airplane on Christmas as an ordinary criminal -- and grant him the right to remain silent, the right to a lawyer, and the right to the full protections of a criminal trial -- Obama's chief counter-terrorism adviser John Brennan said the terrorist would be offered a plea agreement promising more lenient sanctions in return for information relating to potential future attacks the terrorist would not provide voluntarily.

When asked whether offering plea agreements violated a longstanding policy against negotiating with terrorists, homeland security officials insisted this Administration "absolutely does not negotiate with terrorists."

The officials said the Administration does provide terrorists with rights they don't deserve, allows them to exploit those rights to withhold all information, and then tries to solicit some smaller portion of the information by offering the terrorists lighter sentences. "But that's not negotiating with terrorists," the officials insisted. "It's caving to them."

Also during weekend interviews, Brennan denied the government had missed any "smoking gun" even though a known terrorist with explosives had managed to board a plane. When pressed, however, Brennan admitted the government did manage to miss "a pair of flaming skivvies."

Associated articles: Washington Post; Washington Examiner; Andrew McCarthy; Politico

Dubai Opens World's Tallest Building; U.S. Raises Debt Ceiling to $12.4 Trillion

Associated article: Associated Press

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