Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Obama Administration Spares Foreign Terrorists, Focuses on Torturing Domestic Airline Passengers

Now that foreign terrorists are being treated like ordinary criminals and given lawyers along with the right to remain silent, the Obama Administration is focusing instead on torturing domestic airline passengers with even more onerous security procedures.

"The days of making terrorists stand naked in the cold while being subject to interrogation are over," said President Obama. "The days of making Americans stand naked in airport security lines have just begun."

Attorney General Eric Holder and Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano issued a joint statement saying "We must show the world that America upholds its deepest values by treating domestic citizen airline customers like cattle while granting terrorists the broadest constitutional protections against self-incrimination."

Administration officials noted that "Americans have always borne burdens to protect their freedoms, and now it's time Americans gave up some of those freedoms to help ensure terrorists don't have to be interrogated about future plots."

Associated articles: Washington Post; National Review; Charles Krauthammer

Obama Removes Caps on Taxpayer-Paid Federal Housing Loan Guarantees

Associated articles: Washington Examiner; Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal; Wall Street Journal; Slate; New York Times; Wall Street Journal; National Review; New York Post

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

ACLU "Not Concerned At All" That the Names of Over 350 Million Americans Are on a "Not Safe to Be Flying" List

Washington, D.C.--After filing "privacy" lawsuits that prevented the compilation of a comprehensive terrorist "No-Fly" list that would keep known and dangerous jihadists from being able to board airplanes, the American Civil Liberties Union announced that it was "completely satisfied" that the names of over 350 million Americans remained on the "Not Safe to Be Flying" list.

"The ACLU is pleased to announce that we are not concerned in the least bit that hundreds of millions of Americans remain in danger while flying thanks to our reckless lawsuits that unduly restrict the government's ability to create a thorough list of individuals who should not be allowed to board aircraft due to their ties to terrorism," said an ACLU spokeswoman.

Associated article: Los Angeles Times

Janet "The System Worked" Napolitano Praises Anti-Terrorism Program Centered on Rabbits' Feet, Horseshoes, Four-Leaf Clovers

Washington, D.C.--After a bomb-wearing terrorist who managed to board a plane was thwarted by the bravery of private citizens and the fortuitous malfunction of an explosives detonator, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said "the system worked."

When asked how "the system worked" when the terrorist managed to board the plane with a bomb when his own father had previously called the U.S. Embassy to report his son's radical jihadist ideology, Napolitano pointed to what she called a "fail-safe series of rabbits' feet, horseshoes, and other good luck charms" designed to produce similarly fortunate results in the future.

"We're committed to investing whatever it takes in the latest dumb luck technology," said Napolitano, adding "We hope to have an entire field of genetically engineered four-leaf clovers by mid-year."

Associated articles: Politico; Washington Post; New York Post; Ruth Marcus; Weekly Standard

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Monday, December 21, 2009

"Climategate" Scientists Manipulate Temperature Data and Backyard Photos to Negate Recent East Coast Snow Storm



Boy Disgusted to Find Senate Health Care Bill Next to Rat's Head In Holiday Sausage

Washington, D.C.--A Nebraska boy who bit into a Christmas sausage during a recent family celebration was disgusted to find the hairy vestiges of the Senate health care bill inside the meaty treat.

"The kids so look forward to the holiday sausage this time of year," said the boy's mother between dry heaves. "But this year little Trad let out a shriek after he took a taste. You can imagine our revulsion when we saw, next to a rat's dismembered remains, the horrific Senate health care bill dangling out the sausage casing Trad had in his shaking hands."

When asked to comment, Senate sausage-makers said only that "we strove to produce the best sausage possible before our arbitrary 38-hour deadline for radically restructuring one-seventh of the U.S. economy."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

Friday, December 18, 2009

Guantanamo Bay Class of '09, Now Released, Gathers for Class Reunion, Mass Destruction

Yemen--Detainees released from the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay during the Bush administration were deemed the least likely to return to terrorism, but still one out of seven were caught back on the battlefield.

Today, as even more dangerous detainees are released and recidivism rates are expected to increase, organizers of the “Class of ’09 GITMO Reunion” were pleased with this year’s turnout.

The classmates reunited in Yemen -- a haven for al Qaeda and like-minded mass murderers – and enjoyed Molotov cocktails during an opening reception before rekindling old jihadist ties at dinner.

“It was great to get the gang-bangers back together,” said one suicide bomber. “We all wanted to get stuff off our chests -- including our chests! Boom!”

While there were some disappointments, including the absence of 72 virgins, for the most part the classmates thought the festivities lived up to the terrorist propaganda.

“I thought some of these guys would have lost touch with their hatred after a few years in a humane detention facility featuring the best medical care, art classes, soccer, basketball, table tennis, foosball, and DVD's,” said one former detainee. “But I was glad to see most of my classmates remain the same committed bloodthirsty terrorists I knew and loved.”

Associated articles: DNI report; Fox News; Long War Journal; Bloomberg; http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/2009/05/see_no_evil_1.asp; http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/transparency/; http://www.longwarjournal.org/archives/2009/09/former_gitmo_detaine.php; http://www.csmonitor.com/2009/1019/p06s10-wome.html; Weekly Standard

Copenhagen Talks Cut Short As Organizers Conclude "A Little Climate Change Has Got to Be Better Than a World of Tear Gas and Snot-Nosed Protesters"

Copenhagen, Denmark--As the international Copenhagen climate change summit came to a close, its proceedings devolved into chaos as negotiations bogged down following opposition by China and India, the president of the conference abruptly stepped down, and hordes of violent protesters had to be teargassed by police.

Organizers of the talks finally called a halt to the summit, concluding that a potential temperature rise of a degree or two "can't be as bad as a rain of broken bottles thrown by hordes of snot-nosed activists amidst sprawling clouds of tear gas."

Associated article: Politico

Obama’s Long-windedness Adds to Chaos in Copenhagen As His Verbosity Overheats Green Energy Turbine

Al Gore Reads His Apocalyptic Climate Change Poem "Crack in the World"

video

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Obama Brings "Terrorist Olympians" to Home State as "Consolation Prize" for His Failure to Bring Olympics to Chicago

Thomson, Illinois--After failing to secure the Olympics and the jobs it would bring to Chicago, President Obama said he would bring "terrorist Olympians" to his home state as a "consolation prize" by transferring some terrorists currently housed at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility to the Thomson Correctional Center, 150 miles outside of Chicago, Illinois.

"The terrorists currently housed at Guantanamo Bay include include experts in explosives and hand-to-hand combat using improvised materials," said Obama upon making the announcement. "They are some of the best, most committed terrorists in the world, and they deserve a top-flight facility right here in the U.S."

The Guantanamo Bay detainee population commits roughly 450 assaults on guards per year, many involving throwing a "noxious cocktail" of urine and feces at soldiers, which requires immediate medical attention. "Many of these terrorist Olympians have become very proficient at getting the stuff under guards' protective masks and into their mouths and eyes," said one Administration official. "There's some remarkable athleticism involved in their terrorist training."

Other detainees have rioted, plotted escape, slashed guards' wrists as they were delivering food, and smashed a nurse's face against a door, shattering her skull and requiring multiple reconstructive surgeries.

"Some of these terrorists are also formidable boxers," said another official. "They've been known to punch themselves repeatedly so they can claim abuse to their lawyers."

"America attracts the best of the best from all over the world," said Obama. "Now it's time to let some of the worst of the worst terrorists take advantage of a world-class facility right here in the United States."

Associated articles: National Review; Excerpts from Inside GITMO

Obama to Contest His Grade in Prime Time Address

Washington, D.C.--Asked by Oprah Winfrey how he would grade himself during his first year in office, President Obama said he'd give himself "a good, solid B+." But at the same time, polls show the American people giving Obama something much closer to a D, as only 44% of those surveyed express any approval of his performance, with 42% strongly disapproving, and only 24% strongly approving.

As a result, Obama said he would challenge the grade he's receiving from the American people in a nationally televised prime time address.

Administration sources said the President "doesn't believe his grade is fair," and that "he isn't going to end his address until the American people agree to change it."

During the address, Obama plans on holding up a composition book containing his thoughts on his own presidential performance and making the case that the American people "just don't understand how much effort I put into this."

"Look," said one administration official, "the President put a lot of time into getting the job he has now, and he's not about to let some voters give him anything less than what he thinks he deserves."

Associated articles: Hot Air; Rasmussen Reports

Monday, December 14, 2009

Twenty-Story, Bird-Grinding Death Machine Ultra-Doom Avoids Justice Department Prosecution

Washington, D.C.—While acknowledging that a twenty-story, bird-grinding death machine called Ultra-Doom kills over 200,000 federally-protected birds a year, the Justice Department declined to prosecute the giant-blade wielding robot on the grounds that “He operates on wind power.”

Although ExxonMobil was prosecuted in federal court for killing 85 federally-protected migratory birds that came into contact with crude oil and other pollutants on its properties -- and other energy companies have faced hundreds of similar prosecutions -- the Justice Department has yet to bring a single case against wind-power companies or wind-driven robots like Ultra-Doom, even though experts estimate such entities kill hundreds of thousands of birds protected by the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.

A Justice Department spokesperson defended its policy, saying “Okay, so Ultra-Doom has a gigantic array of rotating blades that cause thousands of migratory fowl to explode into bloody clouds of feather and bone. But hey, he’s environmentally friendly.”

Associated articles: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203706604574376543308399048.html; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/10/21/AR2009102101282.html; Daily Mail; Post-Gazette; Washington Post 1

Friday, December 11, 2009

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Senators Urge Passage of Unpopular Health Care Bill "For The People Who Got Obama Tattoos"

Washington, D.C.--As popular support for a massive bill to create a government-run health care system dwindles, Democratic Senators urged their colleagues to pass the legislation "for all the people who got Obama tattoos."

As it's become increasingly clear that the legislation won't help seniors because it would cut hundreds of billions of dollars from the Medicare program, that it won't help young people because it will increase their health care costs, and that it won't help middle-aged people because it will raise their taxes, Senators pushed the legislation on behalf of those few Americans who branded themselves permanently with the personification of "change" in order to "save what's left of those people's pride."

"Many Americans engaged in a profound expression of faith by grafting onto their bodies symbols and images of their cult leader," said one Senator, "and we shouldn't let them down by failing to pass the President's health care bill."

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Justices Reminisce About Their Decision to Support the Government's Power to Take Your Property for No Good Reason, Destroy It, Laugh, Then Run Away

New London, Connecticut--Four years ago, a bare majority of five Supreme Court Justices decided the notorious case of Kelo v. New London and allowed the government to take private property away from people so it could give it to other private developers. But today, the revival project that led to the seizure of Susette Kelo's and her neighbors' houses has fallen through, leaving the entire community a bulldozed wasteland.

The Justices siding with the government in 2004 had called its plan "comprehensive" and "carefully formulated" to "provide appreciable benefits to the community, including, but not limited to, new jobs and increased tax revenue." But since then, the plan fell apart after the company given the property decided to move its headquarters.

Those same Justices gathered recently on the gutted foundation of the former Kelo home to reminisce about the "bang up party" they had in Kelo's neighborhood.

Justice Kennedy enjoyed a beer with his colleagues and recalled, "Remember when Justice Stevens said the Constitution allowed the government to seize property for a private use, even when the Constitution's text says government can only take property for a public use, like a school or a road? That was a hoot!"

Justice Ginsburg ribbed her colleagues by saying they all may have taken it "a little too far that day," prodding Justice Stevens to say "Wow, we really trashed this place!"

But for the most part the old, lifetime-tenured jurists who rewrote the Constitution chalked up the Kelo case to, as Justice Breyer put it, "yet another great learning experience."

Associated article: Wall Street Journal

EPA Administrator Holds Congress Hostage in Separation of Powers Standoff

Washington, D.C.--Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Lisa Jackson and a band of fellow bureaucrats stormed the U.S. Capitol Building and demanded that Congress pass stringent limits on carbon emissions and energy use, or else she and her other EPA colleagues would impose even more draconian restrictions through the regulatory process, which does not involve action by Congress.

Speaking through a megaphone on a Capitol balcony, Jackson said "With popular opinion and elected representatives turning against the need to dramatically increase energy costs, it's up to unelected bureaucrats like us to force action."

Business representatives could be seen squatting behind Jackson with their hands behind their heads.

"I want to see a bill signed into law by the President, or you can kiss millions of jobs goodbye," Jackson told negotiators, opening the vest she was wearing to reveal thousands of pages of regulations she said she would promulgate if her demands were not met.

Negotiators tried to impress upon Jackson that any resources wasted on increased energy costs meant less could be spent on solving other problems, but Jackson remained unmoved while police continued to monitor what some observers are calling a "separation of powers standoff."

Associated articles: Wall Street Journal 1;Wall Street Journal 2; Wall Street Journal 3

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Obama Announces Massive Debt Has Been Detected Heading Straight for U.S.

A stunned nation watched as President Obama used an emergency address to the nation to announce that a massive debt is heading straight for the U.S.

"It's expected to hit within the next decade," Obama told a shaken citizenry, "and engulf the country in a giant cloud of liability."

Obama said Americans should report to underground caves, where they would submit to a strict regimen of work and taxpaying that it is hoped will "steer the debt toward other countries."

Obama said a potential "Plan B" was to employ the newly functional Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest and highest-energy particle accelerator. The LHC was originally designed to smash opposing particle beams, but Obama hoped it could be redesigned "to allow the high-energy banging of heads against walls."

In the mean time, a band of Congressional candidates who support limited government and fiscal responsibility have been recruited to run for office in what has been called "the last best hope for America."

Associated article: LHC

Monday, December 7, 2009

Obama Announces Goal of Spring-Powered Battle for Scarce Energy Resources by 2050

Copenhagen, Denmark--President Barack Obama announced today that he would commit the United States to creating a steam- and spring-powered society by the year 2050 in which bands of warrior tribes would compete for scarce energy resources using giant crank-operated robots.

The President's remarks coincided with an international conference in Copenhagen at which the nations of the world were expected to commit to dramatic reductions in carbon energy use despite their being no conclusive evidence that human-caused global warming poses any significant threat to the world.

Obama promised that U.S. carbon emissions in 2050 will be 83 percent below 2005 levels, meaning that, in forty years, per capita emissions will have to fall to what they were in 1875.

"That may seem scary," said Obama, "but writers in the science fiction steampunk genre have long imagined post-Industrial Revolution societies powered largely by steam and complex spring-driven machines that could be used to capture whatever remaining resources remained legal."

When asked whether such a course of action was feasible, Administration officials pointed to a variety of fantasy novels that included vehicles and weapons fueled by giant bellows and elaborate spring-wound gear shafts.

At the conclusion of the Copenhagen talks, Obama stirred the crowd, saying "I have a dream that one day all Americans will have a chance to win their share of food and water by killing competing scavengers with gatling guns powered by corkscrews and water pressure."

Associated article: George Will

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

White House Says "Overwhelming Consensus of Political Scientists" Supports Its Climate Change Policies

Washington, D.C.--As it has become increasingly clear that the science of climate change is far from settled -- and as the validity of a prominent United Nations report supporting human-caused climate change has been undermined by revelations that its underlying data were fudged or destroyed -- the Obama administration today announced that an "overwhelming consensus" of political scientists supported its drastic programs to raise energy prices.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters, "Look, these political scientists might not have a B.S. in any of the physical sciences, but no one disputes they have B.A.s in B.S."

The American Political Science Association issued a press release to coincide with the press briefing that made clear that "political science has the word 'science' in it. So there."

Associated articles: MIT meteorologist Lindzen; Washington Times; National Review; Wall Street Journal; New Scientist

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Cerebral Obama Says "Path to Victory" in Afghanistan Lies Through Wormholes and an Infinite Number of Alternative Universes

Washington, D.C.--After ten months of what critics called "dithering" on the war in Afghanistan, President Obama finally announced last night that he had determined "a path to victory" in the region lies through wormholes leading to an infinite number of alternate universes.

Administration sources said the cerebral President had become concerned that sustaining his endless ruminations over the contingencies posed by the pressing war in Afghanistan might become increasingly difficult, so he asked his political advisers to recommend additional contemplation plans.

"At that point," said a White House spokesperson, "it became clear that a wormhole strategy would open up unlimited additional possibilities for pondering."

"Unlike my predecessor, who too often made decisive military decisions," said Obama, "I want to fully exhaust my navel resources before making a commitment. That's why I'm so excited by the opportunities offered by a passage in spacetime that connects alternate Afghanistan histories, each holding limitless alternatives for me to consider."

Administration officials cautioned there remained "some uncertainties" with Obama's plan -- including the risks of massive gravitational tidal forces and incineration by radiation emitted near a singularity -- but they emphasized "the President has now set forth some clear goals to aim for."

Associated article: Associated Press

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