Thursday, July 30, 2009

Obama Invites Voters to White House for Kool-Aid Shots After Saying Electorate Acted "Socialistically" Last November

Washington, D.C.--Saying he "calibrated his words poorly" in saying the electorate acted "socialistically" last November, President Obama invited registered voters to the White House for a dialogue over "multiple Kool-Aid shots" to help “smooth things over.”

The event followed President Obama's invitation of a Cambridge, Massachusetts, policeman to the White House for a beer after he said the officer acted "stupidly" even though Obama admitted he hadn't known all the facts when he made the comment.

Crowds gathered on the South Lawn throughout the day as people enjoyed a mind-altering combination of vodka, Jagermeister, and grape flavored Kool-Aid.

"We were all just waiting around for a while," said one voter. "Then someone asked when the dialogue was going to begin. They told us shots first, dialogue later."

President Obama eventually appeared by smashing through a fake brick wall and bellowing "Oh, yeah!"

By early evening, the lawn was scattered with staggering voters yelling "Yeth we c-c-can! Yeth we c-c-can!" and demanding government-run health care.

Associated article:

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Lawyers Hail Obama's Disparagement of Most Other Professions

The Trial Lawyers Association hailed President Obama's disparagement of most other professions today, saying "We applaud the President's casting suspicions on the motives of doctors, police, and firefighters, as we do every day in court."

At a July news conference, Obama said police acted "stupidly" regarding a recent incident just moments after he admitted "I don't know all the facts." He also claimed doctors make medical decisions based not on their best medical judgment, but on how much they'll be reimbursed for a given procedure. These remarks followed Obama's nomination of a Justice to the Supreme Court who denied promotions to firefighters who scored highest on an advancement test on the grounds no black firefighters scored high enough for promotion.

A trial lawyer spokesperson added, "We're looking forward to working with the administration on crafting its next harangue against nurses."

Associated articles:;;;;; associated video:

Sunday, July 26, 2009

White House Points to Lower National Voter Intelligence Estimates

Washington, D.C.--In a widely touted press conference on health care legislation, President Obama stated his proposals “will keep government out of health care decisions.”

But according to the Associated Press, Obama’s “principles of reform … plainly show the government making key decisions in health care.”

When asked how he could defend the counter-factual statement he made at the press conference, President Obama pointed to his Administration’s most recent "voter intelligence estimates," which have been dramatically lowered in recent months.

Associated articles:;

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Democrats Cite Health Care Cost Savings of Fewer Seniors, More Abortions

Washington, D.C.--Criticized for pushing a health care reform program costing over $1 trillion, Democrats argued their plan includes cost savings by providing for fewer seniors and more abortions.

These cost savings are acheived by cutting $500 billion from Medicare -- just as baby boomers turn 65 and increase Medicare enrollment by 30% -- and by allowing federally funded abortions.

"I'm not saying we should be dancing on their graves," said one Administration official. "But I have to say those cost-savings at the front and back end do nicely frame our health care plan."

President Obama's "science czar," John Holdren, hailed the cost-control measures. Holdren is the co-author of a 1977 book entitled "Ecoscience: Population, Resources, Environment" that proposed "compulsory sterilization," possibly by spiking water reserves and staple foods with a sterilizing chemical, on the grounds that "To provide a high quality of life for all, there must be fewer people."

Holdren told Letterman, “Nothing irritates me more than the pitter-patter of little carbon footprints.”

Associated articles:;;;;;; associated audio (Robert Reich):

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Obama Delivers First-Ever "State of Obama" Address to the Nation Through Specially Designed One-Way Mirror

What follows are excerpts from President Obama’s first “State of Obama” address to the nation.

Good evening. With unemployment increasing even more than my economic team told you it would if Congress had not passed my massive spending program, and with claims regarding my health care reform proposal becoming more implausible by the day, I thought it best to focus not on the state of the Union, but rather, on the state of Obama.

Now, I have made history in many ways, and I continue to do so today. For the first time, I am addressing the Nation through a specially designed one-way mirror that will allow me to remain focused on my path ahead.

I have come a long way already. As the elected president of the Harvard Law Review and as a law professor, some criticized me for failing to publish a single piece of scholarship, or even release my grades. But as I wrote in two autobiographies exploring the rich history and profound significance of me, “I am Barack Obama.”

Later, as a state Senator, I voted “present” on legislation nearly 130 times. Some criticized me for that. But as all Americans have now come to know, I am a “present” to the American people.

As a U.S. Senator, some say I wasn’t associated with any important legislative initiatives. But I did introduce a bill to recognize August 4, 2061, as the 100th anniversary of my birth. Unfortunately, the bill failed to pass in a prior era of despair.

My energy plan will encourage the development of new technologies that convert my boldness into reusable energy. And my health care plan will produce a universal system for allocating that warm, comforting feeling you get when you hear my confident voice, or see me without a shirt.

The state of Obama is good.

Associated articles:;;; associated video: Washington Examiner;

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

President Obama Says “Hold the Mayo”

Washington, D.C.--President Obama has repeatedly held up the famous Mayo Clinic in Minnesota as a model for providing “some of the best quality and some of the lowest cost” health care.

But recently the Mayo Clinic said the health care reform legislation Obama supports “misses the opportunity to create higher-quality, more affordable health care for patients,” that “In fact, it will do the opposite,” and “The real losers will be the citizens of the United States.”

While speaking at the Children's National Medical Center, Obama was asked about the Mayo Clinic’s dire assessment of his health care reforms.

“Hold the mayo,” he said, apparently reiterating his advice that Americans should eat healthier.

Associated articles:;

Monday, July 20, 2009

Giant U.S. Money Leak Ruins Floors Throughout China

Peking, China.--Chinese diplomats lodged an official complaint with the United Nations today as a giant U.S. money leak continued to ruin floors throughout China, on the other side of the globe.

“Congress’ record $4 trillion in annual spending has been seeping into our country for weeks now,” said China’s foreign minister, “but the U.S. has done nothing about it.”

China estimates the leak pours $11 billion per day under China’s upper crust, loosening floor boards, weakening foundations, and clogging toilets.

“Every day I read in paper about more U.S. spending,” said one frustrated Chinese citizen. “And every day I tell my wife we need a bigger mop.”

Associated articles:;

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Obama Appoints Bizarro Economic Policy Communications Czar

Washington, D.C.--President Obama announced his appointment of Bizarro, an imperfect duplicate of Superman known for his twisted logic, as his “economic policy communications czar.”

Before making the announcement, Obama praised Bizarro’s “compelling life story” in which he overcame his creation by Lex Luthor in a flawed duplication ray to become one of Superman’s most famous enemies.

While noting he was “hampered by an inherent illogic,” Obama said “There’s no one better than Bizarro to describe my economic policies to the American people.”

After taking the podium, Bizarro described how the Administration is reducing the federal budget deficit by using the same logic it’s used to argue the massive spending bill passed by Congress “saved” millions of jobs even as the unemployment rate reaches historic highs.

“We reduce budget deficit by making OK you keep some money,” said Bizarro. “Money you keep not used by government, so government deficit go down.”

When asked whether the Administration had any new proposals to lower the deficit, Bizarro said “Biden have plan that we spend money so no go bankrupt. Print more hot soft cash!”

Associated articles:;;

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Movie Review -- “Return of the Living Constitution” (Spoiler alert!)

The next zombie-themed blockbuster horror flick is set for release the first Monday in October, but this reviewer received an advance screening of what’s shaping up to be one apocalyptic zombie tale set in the not-too-distant future.

“Return of the Living Constitution” begins at a prestigious law school, where Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia delivers a lecture on the role of a judge, properly understood, which he says is to apply technical interpretive tools to discern what voters or their elected representatives intended by their use of terms ratified as part of the Constitution or enacted into law.

“If the terms of the law are not largely fixed by their meaning as understood when the law was enacted,” says Scalia, “there can be no rule of law, because people will not be subject to rules commonly understood in advance, but rather to the whims of life-tenured judges that are impossible to predict in advance.”

As Scalia speaks, his academic audience, increasingly uneasy with his dry judicial vision, finds itself animated by a raw desire to go beyond the mere application of the law and impose their will on democratic majorities. This hunger quickly mutates into an insatiable lust to impose their political views through constitutional interpretation.

As the questions directed at Scalia grow increasingly unintelligible, and the audience begins to jerkily amble toward him, arms outstretched, Scalia escapes through a window. He gathers his originalist colleagues on the Supreme Court before vast hordes of law students, professors, and advocacy attorneys fill the streets, overturning mail boxes, lamp posts, and popularly enacted statutes that do not clearly violate the Constitution.

The zombies find leaders in the more activist Supreme Court Justices, who command them to overrun Congress and then head for the National Archives, where they intend to devour the U.S. Constitution, which they consider a “living, breathing” document.

Scalia and his originalist colleagues barricade the Archives doors with stacks of Founding-era documents, but the zombies tear through them. It soon becomes apparent that, unlike traditional zombies, these undead can only be killed by a blow to their “gut,” and not their head, as they’re motivated by empathy and “gut feeling” rather than thought.

Just as the swelling zombie hordes are about to reach our nation's founding document, Scalia distracts them with books compiling foreign legal precedents. Waving such volumes as “The Collected Decisions of Zimbabwe,” he temporarily diverts the advancing throngs with a tantalizing new source of interpretive power.

With the zombies otherwise occupied, Scalia grabs the sword from the hands of a nearby statute of “Lady Justice” and begins hacking undead guts in the same biting manner he pens his dissents.

The movie is campy fun for the most part. But by the end I couldn’t help feeling a real sense of dread.

Association article:; associated video:; see also

Thursday, July 9, 2009

White House Furthers Its “Commitment to Transparency” By Requiring That Official Meeting Records Be Written on Plastic Wrap, with Invisible Ink

Washington, D.C.--Following a report in the New York Times that Obama White House “climate czar” Carol Browner instructed auto industry executives “to put nothing in writing, ever” regarding the deliberations that occurred at official energy policy meetings, concerns were raised that such instructions might violate a federal law that requires the preservation of documents concerning significant policy decisions.

As a result, Browner issued new orders that any records of what occurs at policy meetings “be written on plastic wrap, with invisible ink.”

At a press conference, Browner defended her new instructions, saying she was merely “following this Administration’s strong commitment to transparency.” To demonstrate, she held up what she claimed to be a large stack of official meeting minutes, saying “Look, you can see right through them. It's like they're invisible. It doesn’t get more transparent than that.”

The policy change followed other news that Administration officials suppressed a study by an EPA economist that warned of the damaging economic consequences that would befall small businesses if carbon dioxide gases were regulated as illegal emissions under the Clean Air Act.

Browner added that, in the future, all studies casting doubt on Administration proposals “will also be subject to the new translucent records policy.”

Associated articles:; Politico

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Floor of U.S. House of Representatives Redesigned for Wagers on Legislation Not in Final Form

Washington, D.C.--Following a vote on a global warming bill that included a 300-page amendment the leadership of the U.S. House of Representatives could not produce in final form before votes were cast, the floor of the House has been redesigned to accommodate wagers on legislation not available in final form.

The screen that formerly showed the legislation under consideration has been replaced with a board displaying Las Vegas odds reflecting the chance various provisions are in the bill Members are voting on.

“It’s a crap shoot,” said one Member. “And I mean crap.”

Under the new rules, amendments are “flopped” face down and only revealed after final votes are cast.

“It’s tough,” said one member of the minority party. “Speaker Pelosi has a plastic surgeon give her a different poker face before each hand’s dealt.”

Members have already begun giving names to sections of bills they’re backing. “I’m rooting for Exemption Express," said one Congressman clutching his voting card as the final minutes of the vote counted down. “The odds are 2-1 he’s in the final product.”

The new system has led to some confusion, as when one Member yelled “Bingo!” during floor debate.

But rules of thumb are gradually taking hold. “Since we can’t vote on the text of the legislation,” said one Representative, “some of us are only voting for bills that have lucky House Resolution numbers.”

Associated articles:;; associated video:

Obama Signs Executive Order Issuing Blanket Denial of Vice President’s Future Remarks

Washington, D.C.--In what was described as a move to “streamline the process of clarifying” Vice President Biden’s repeatedly ill-informed remarks, President Obama signed an executive order that contains a blanket denial of comments Vice President Biden is expected to make in the future.

Obama addressed reporters at the start of the signing ceremony, stating “When I put my Vice President in charge of overseeing the trillion-dollar spending Congress authorized this year, I said nobody messes with Joe. And as we’ve seen, nobody messes with Joe because he is entirely capable of making a mess of himself.”

Following the ceremony, the Vice President apparently made some remarks of his own from behind an opaque screen, using a electronic device to disguise his voice. “Thanks to this blanket denial,” he warbled, “the American people will no longer have to worry about my public statements giving the green light to an Israeli attack on Iran, stating this Administration misread how bad the economy is, warning that people should have avoided confined places and public transportation after initial swine flu reports, and confessing that determining how many jobs were created by the spending bill I was in charge of was above my pay grade.”

According to Administration officials, the White House considered alternatives to the executive order -- such as extending to the Vice President the Administration policy of reading Miranda warnings to terrorists and advising them of their right to remain silent – but ultimately decided to take steps short of those required before criminal prosecution.

Sources said the executive order would also bring an end to a controversial CIA program in which all of Biden’s communications were secretly monitored to help preempt further public embarrassment.

Associated articles: Mediaite;;

Sunday, July 5, 2009

School Voucher Opponents Protest Food Stamps Program

The federal food stamps program allows people of low-income to purchase the foods of their choice at grocery stores. But lately that program has come under fire by President Obama and Congressional Democrats for the same reasons they oppose school voucher programs that would allow low-income parents to choose where their children go to school.

“Education is essential to development, but so is food,” said Obama at a rally organized by food-choice opponents. “If we can’t trust low-income parents and profit-making companies to educate our children with taxpayer-funded vouchers, how can we trust those same people with vouchers used for food? The government, not individual citizens, should be doing the choosing.”

Teachers and prisoner food service unions joined forces to attack the food stamps program, which has helped those of limited incomes to choose meals for their own families since the 1960’s.

“Food vouchers create a two-tier system in which people who are incarcerated have to rely on government-provided food services, while those living freely on limited incomes are able to choose the food vendors of their choice,” argued one protester holding a “Support Public Foods” sign. “That unfairly drains money from prison and other government-run institutional food providers.”

Another protester said “How can we go forward with a food voucher program when there’s an ongoing debate regarding whether or not food choice leads to better outcomes in nourishment?”

Other protesters pointed to the separation of church and state, saying “Under the food stamp program, low-income beneficiaries who follow religious dietary laws can use taxpayer funds to pay for foods based on religious teachings. How is that constitutional?”

And yet another protester added, “Come to think of it, why can someone buy a religious text with a welfare check? Down with welfare programs!”

Associated articles: Daily Caller;;;;;;; Wall Street Journal

Associated videos: Reason TV;;;; Institute for Justice

Thursday, July 2, 2009

White House Defends Use of Electric Cattle Prods at “Cattle Call” Meetings

Washington, D.C.--The White House has come under criticism for planting questioners and screening questions at what were promoted as spontaneous “town hall meetings,” prompting veteran White House correspondent Helen Thomas to say not even Richard Nixon tried to control the press the way President Obama has.

In response, the White House announced it would stop exercising such control over the events. Now referred to as “cattle call meetings,” they will feature questioners “chosen at random” with an electric cattle prod.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibb acknowledged the new format was a work in progress. “I understand it’s sometimes difficult to hear the questions over the yelps,” he said. “We’re working on that."

When asked whether the use of a high-voltage behavioral modification device might unduly influence the tenor of the questions asked at the meetings, Gibbs replied in the sarcastically patronizing manner reporters have come to know and love. “I’m shocked, shocked you would suggest such a thing,” he said. “Kiss off!”

Associated article:; associated video: